Jason: my boyfriend’s mad i haven’t replied to his post yet, like hold on shawty i’m tryna figure out how to spell georges
Jason: Yeah, don’t worry Salim, we had a great time at the pumpkin patch! isn’t that right Zain?
*a pumpkin strapped in the backseat*
Jason: I’m gonna have to call you back
Jason: I would die for you
Salim: I would die for you too
Jason, suddenly very emotional: Please don’t
the year is 2003
Salim: [trying to bond with his boyfriend] hey Jason! i got us tickets for this new underground band, i think they're called Michael- Michael Romance?
Jason:
Jason: YOU GOT US TICKETS TO FUCKING MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE?!?
Nurse: You scored a 25/27 on your mental health questionnaire.
Jason: So that means I'm good at mental health, right?
*Crisis Counselor enters the room*
Jason: Ah, shit.
Jason: I just offered Salim the world, so I don’t know where y’all are gonna live, but it can’t be here
Jason’s whole character arc summed up
Jason: I suck at apologies, so...Unfuck you or whatever.
Nick, holding a deck of cards: Who wants a tarot reading!?
Eric: Those are Pokemon cards
Nick, holding a card: You got a Squirtle, it means fuck you
Jason, depressed, lying on the floor: I just feel like a noodle
Salim joining him on the floor and hugging him: Good, I like pasta
Salim: Have you guys seen Jason?
Rachel: No, haven’t seen him since the storm started
Nick: Since the sto- JASON NO!
Meanwhile, Jason standing in the middle of a thunderstorm with a shovel raised high: STRIKE ME DOWN ZEUS, YOU DON’T HAVE THE BALLS
Salim: Okay, truth or dare?
Jason: Truth
Salim: How many hours have you slept this week?
Jason: ...Dare
Salim: Go to bed
Jason: I’ve decided that I don’t like this game
Nick: Please tell me you didn’t kidnap him, Jason?
Jason, carrying Zain: I didn’t kidnap him
Nick: Oh thank god
Jason: I adopted him
Salim: So, what was your childhood like?
Jason: Oh, you mean my tragic backstory that you must be at least level 3 friendship to unlock?
Salim: ...What level am I at?
Jason: 10. So it all started-
the funny thing about this is that Jason is actually a war criminal
Salim: can't believe i'm the first ever bisexual war criminal ❤ love wins
Jason: idk bro, i should probably kiss him
Eric:
Nick:
Rachel:
Salim:
Jason: what?
-eric interrogating Salim-
Eric: Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole, truth, and nothing but the truth?
Salim: no
Eric:
eric, into his walkie talkie: what do I do now?
Jason: You're wearing makeup.
Salim: Oh, it's just eyeliner. Do you like it?
Jason: Looks... okay, I guess.
*later*
Jason, sobbing into Nick's shoulder: IT LOOKED SO GOOD!
Nick: I know, Jason.
Jason: I'M SO GAY!
Nick: I know, Jason.
Jason: *extremely drunk, starts colouring Salim with a highlighter*
Salim: Erm... What are you doing?
Jason: Highlighting you.
Salim: Yes, I see that... Why?
Jason: Cuz you're important.
*nick and eric start dating*
Rachel, bewildered: What the hell just happened? Jason: Something gay lmao Rachel: You’re gay
Salim: for me!
Jason: Salim is the kind of person that makes everyone think about them all the time, even when you’re asleep, right?
Rachel: I don’t think of Salim all the time
Eric: I don’t dream about Lieutenant Othman
Nick: When you say everyone, do you mean yourself?
Jason: Yo dumbass, get over here.
Nick: Okay-
Salim *gleefully runs past*: I’m coming!
Nick *sadly*: I thought... I was dumbass...
Jason: You can’t make everyone like you. You’re not Salim.
Nick: Not everybody likes Salim.
Jason: Who doesn’t?
Nick: What?
Jason: Names, now. Give me their names.
Jason: Why do you think I don’t like you? I do. I would kill for you.
Jason: Ask me to kill for you.
Salim: ...First of all, calm down-
Semper Fi? more like Simper Fi, amirite?