Jokes - Blog Posts

I have been deep down the MW2 rabbit hole and have now accepted that I will not be coming back the same person. I am now changed. REBORN!

I feel like vampires would be so excited to see their victims drinking water. How many people do you know that only drink like coffee, energy drinks, pop, or just completely super-sugary super-caffeinated things, and no water? Imagine how bad their blood tastes! Shit has to burn going down... And that's not even mentioning alcoholic beverages

I feel like if you drink water, vampires would just flock to you- full stop 😂

Control the narrative, control the world.

Economy is so bad we're fantasising about having someone love us for our savings 😭😭

I think price gets a huge heart boner when he watches you act all thrifty when it comes to shopping

‘bloody cost of living’ he’s thinking when you’re at the checkout, watching the price of the weekly food shop rack up with every item scanned by the cashier. you don’t seem phased whatsoever, is this always what it costs when you come shopping?

john’s snapped out of this thoughts by you making a grabby hand gesture at him, asking for your purse. he trues to protest but you just roll your eyes and grab it yourself. he watches you pull out a stack of vouchers, passing them over to the cashier. his heart rate slows considerably when he watches the pounds drop like flies, it nearly bursts out his chest again though when looks over at you to see you beeming with pride, happy with your savings

he’ll see you eyeing up a nice item of clothing next, flinching when you flip the price tag over. he furrows his brow when you walk back over to him, without the clothes

‘I’ll buy it, dove. don’t stress about the price.’ he says, reaching to grab it but you intercept his hand before he can, shaking your head

‘that top was in style twenty years ago, the charity shops down the road will have a similar one for pennies, john.’

he doesn’t have faith but you prove him wrong within the hour. it’s obviously not the same but it’s actually better quality than the one you originally saw. besides, you also managed to find two pairs of trousers, a dress, some shoes, and a bag for what you said was half the price of the original top

‘clever girl’ he hums, pressing a kiss to the side of your head as you tap his card and put his wallet back in your bag

he has no problem spending money on you whatsoever, but he adores how considerate you are of his finances. the smile on your face when the planning pays off. he’ll find another way to spend that money on you though, buying you the designer item you’ve been trying to thrift forever because of the price but you just can’t find anywhere :)

help me i managed to get her phone help me please im in a basement i haven’t had food in weeks and the last person that was in here was taken away i haven’t seen them since. that was months ago please help before she takes me away too please

One Shot Messages

JJ: Hey, what's going on? You seem a little off. Y/N: Just tired. Long case. JJ: Tired, huh? Maybe you need a distraction. I can make you laugh - I'm pretty funny. Y/N: You? Funny? I'll believe it when I see it. JJ: Challenge accepted. Prepare to be amazed. Y/N: Alright, let's see what you got. JJ: Okay, here goes - why don't skeletons fight each other? Because they don't have the guts. Y/N: Ugh, that was terrible. JJ: I know, right? I'm hilarious. Y/N: You're lucky I love you. JJ: I'll take that as a win :)

it’s just me and my panadol against the world

I woke up laughing at the own joke I told in my sleep

favourite character in crime and punishment; the guy with balls, Whodyounick abollockov

marauders as things my friends and i have said

James: What do you think I'd go to jail for?

Sirius: Harassing old people because you wanted to help them.

James: ...

Peter: Seems reasonable to me

Sirius: What would I go in for?

James: Assaulting an officer

Remus: I think I'd go to jail for something

Sirius: In for what? Following the rules too much?

James: Yea Remus, you would not go to jail, sorry.

Peter [confused]: Isn't that a good thing?

Remus: I don't know at this point.

What my best friend sees before my phone falls on face time:

It really hurts to see how shame-based american culture is. If anyone was wondering, I don't capitalize the a in america because I don't respect capitalism :]

‘pb did so many things wrong!!! she’s evil!!’ idgaf. make her worse actually

[First day as a rookie cop.]

Me: Dispatch, suspect is dancing down Main street, completely nude.

Dispatch: Copy that.

Me: Well I’ll try but I’m not much of a dancer.

submitted by /u/TheFiredrake42 [link] [comments]

So it's this fan-created film preservation of the original Star Wars trilogy films. An English teacher named Petr Harmáček led a project with eight other fans to undo the various alterations made by Lucas in the 1997, 2004, and 2011 home video releases, calling the edits "an act of cultural vandalism". They used photoshop and rotoscoping techniques to

[ID: A pair of Tundra Swans are swimming on a pond close to one another. They are facing the camera and the Swan on the right is leaning close the one on the left and appears to be yelling right into their companion's ear. The Swan on the left appears to be staring into the middle distance, not necessarily listening. End ID]

Coming back to tumblr after the clusterfuck of social media that is shorts, Tiktoks, and instagram is like finally coming home to your Mom after a 8 week bender for her to nurse you back to life with homemade chicken soup, blanket, and quirky book to read while you recover.

Crash

My laugh was like a Hiena

This link goes to chapter 5 but there is more:

Be warned I DID NOT READ AHEAD SO PLEASE READ THE TAGS

JOKE: A Man Goes into the Job Center…

By Robert Nashwick

A Man Goes into the Job Center in downtown Denver and sees an ad for a gynecologist’s assistant. Interested, he asks the clerk for details.

The clerk says, “The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down, and rub soothing oils into their private parts so they’re ready for their examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana.”

"Good grief,” exclaims the man. "Is that where the job is?"

"No sir,” syas the clerk. “That's where the end of the line is right now.”

And that's why we love Tumblr

Trends on other social media sites:

Try this new dance challenge! Post your glow-up! Get Ready With Me!

Trends on Tumblr:

Why was Steven King hired at the bank?

Because he was Pennywise.

I hope I die in 2069 cause that would be a great joke.

Ya know, just like my life.

The YouTube content creator community was wracked by macabre tragedy this morning after Amelia Bedelia was instructed to hang streamers for a six year old’s birthday party

My older sister is currently failing the bechdel test. Every conversation she’s had she talks about her boyfriend. /J

(This is truthful but it’s in no way a problem)

on the way to the bathroom, you're russian. when you're in the bathroom, european. when you come out, you are finnish. ;)))

Thanks for the warning, I'll make sure to remove the child.

What do you call a french lawyer who's also a hot tub?

a j'accuzzi

Home decor expectations vs. reality!

If laundry piles are part of your aesthetic right now, you’re not alone! 🥲