Jokes - Blog Posts
hello anxiety, my old friend
i’ve come to talk with you again
Imagine being part of the Marvel cast and being liked by these guys!
A/n: gifs aren’t mine!
Tom Hiddleston
Y/n: Hiddles! Wanna hear a quote I made?
Tom: I’d rather no-
Y/n: Okay great! Listen carefully!
Tom: I’m listening!
Y/n: Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Tom: *laughs* I’m impressed!
(He said winking at you)
Y/n: And that’s why we’re still single! *wink*
(You said waving goodbye and walking off)
Tom: (gif happens) Wow!
Sebastian Stan
(Both of you are reacting to Liza Koshys puns)
Y/n: Her puns are cringey but funny!
Sebastian: Oh Yeah? Why don’t you make one than?
Y/n: Is that a challenge Stan?
Sebastian: Yes indeed Y/L/N!
Y/n: Okay! How do you get holy water?
Sebastian: You boil the hell out of it! Make a new one!
Y/n: You make one!
Sebastian: You know your puns are cheesy, but they make me feel GRATE!
(You fell onto the ground and started dying of laughter! Sebastian tried holding in his laughter but ended up laughing along with you) gif happens
Y/n: You’re so cute! Oh my gosh I can’t!
(You couldn’t stop laughing but you had enough energy to get up)
Sebastian: You’re so annoying, you know that?
(Sebastian said chuckling now. You got up and walked to the door about to leave the trailer still laughing. You turned back to Sebastian)
Y/n: Mission accomplished Soldier!
(With that said you winked at him then stepped out)
Sebastian: (gif happens) What am I gonna do with you?
Chris Evans
Chris: Damn! That ass is flatter than a piece of bread!
Y/n: I can always tell when you’re lying. Your lips move!
Chris: I guess you prove that even god makes mistakes sometimes.
Y/n: You did not just say that to me!
(You had a serious face but both of you knew it was as a joke)
Chris: You heard me!
Y/n: You just started war Evans!
(You said in a low voice, crossing your arms over your chest)
Chris: I’m well aware of that!
(He got up and slowly walked towards you)
Y/n: You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse
Chris: Some babies were dropped on their heads but you were clearly thrown at a wall.
Y/n: The only way you’ll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chickens ass and wait!
Chris: Are you the chicken?
(Chris asked with a smirk on his face)
Y/n: You wish! I can’t fit a big human dick like you up my non-existent chicken ass!
Chris: Right!
Y/n: Admit it Evans! I have an ass!
(Chris nodded his head mockingly)
Chris: Yeah you do!
TAH-DAH
wow, the first installation on davey, FL!!!
i’ve always wanted to do something like this, and i’m so excited to start!
expect a comic around once a week!
I have a bad case of resting bitch face and I just feel like wyrdeer and I could bond over that.
The class after the teacher mentions your name while reading a book out loud:
It’s 2:30 in the morning
Where does Dionysus hear all his gossip?
The grape vine
Gravity is a ploy by the rich to keep us down, weak, and so called "grounded".
First, lets take a look at gravity. Gravity generally means something along the lines of a force towards another mass, but in practice this generally means towards the planet we reside on. Now planet, and infact, much of the universe, is created in a closed source environment, as we have not managed to create an environment that takes external input or output. What does this mean? It means the owner of this system, God, is keeping us from connecting and collaborating with other environments, under the guise of them being "TO MUCH FOR YOUR MORTAL UNDERSTANDING", which I could maybe excuse if not for the fact that, according to the terms and conditions, God owns everything in the universe. He owns the raw material, the factories, your new Jordans, everything. This puts him in a class of his own, with him being able to make a lavish paradise in the sky, and weve only begun to scratch the surface. Ok, now to loop back to the Original point, gravity. Gravity is a tool used to keep those indentured into working on Gods blue Earth from, rioting and reclaiming the right to have cool cloud houses and flying. Gravity also keeps you from reaching your full potential by putting insurmountable obstacles, such as 5 pound weights. Without gravity, I could life the moon. They say it's to keep us grounded, but really it's to chain us.
Curse the words "homesick" and "seasick".
It's the same -sick suffix, but the opposite meaning.
Missing your home, feeling unwell at sea.
All the while the words I need are the opposite:
I am more often than not sick of staying home, and feel a longing for the sea.
When i grow up, if i ever go bald, I'm gonna get a bunch of vaguely threatening tattoos and become one of those actors who play the bad guy from the mafia in every single action movie.
Damn Hamilton is such a good musical I wish democracy in the United states was real
Tax breaks are the new sexy.
Marriage was never about love. Like historically, it was basically a strategic business merger.
Marie Antoinette didn't marry Louis XVI because she was swept off her feet by his powdered wig and crippling social anxiety.
No, sis was literally shipped across the border at 14 to seal a political alliance between Austria and France. No romantic picnics involved.
y’all still think we should marry for love? In this day and age and late-stage-capitalism? Real love is a luxury most of us can't afford rn. Not when there's rent due.
Its time to choose benefits over butterflies.
Oh you like like me? Ok then, how many goats u got?
I’m not saying we should go full medieval and start arranging marriages for land again (unless you have land, in which case: hi).
But mayyybe it’s fine if I want someone whose credit score makes my heart race. Someone who understands that the real love language is “my job has great insurance.”
I'm telling you,
Desperate times call for desperate marriages.
Thinking about the time there were a lot of people in the public pool and I asked my friend if they wanted to go in and they said:
"I don't like it when there's more boba than tea"
Hello, can I get you guys anything?
Yes, two anxiety potions please
Coming right up
I want mine bitter and teeth staining, and they'll have the laxative one with bovine secretions on top.
Great! That'll be 20$
^ This is what I imagine people who like coffee sound like.
Me: *doomscrolls for hours until it's late*
Clock: it's 00:01
Phone tracking app: Congrats! You’ve spent 0 minutes on your phone today
Me: Oh, yay, I’m allowed to doomscroll for two more hours guilt-free
Phone app: No, that’s not—
Me: don’t care, didn’t ask, it's technically a new day so everything resets
*continues doomscrolling*