Journal - Blog Posts
Letter #19
I tried to find your love At the bottom of my bag But all I found was hairties And receipts of our outings Forgotten about months ago I tried to find your love At the bottom of a liquor bottle But I got lost between regrets And memories of our laughter In a call that no longer exists I tried to find your love At the bottom of your shoes But their spot by my door was empty And the footprints I once followed Now covered in snow, invisible I tried to find your love At the bottom of this denial But deep down I know it's gone And your words have become relics Time didn't stop for us
Date Written: 8th of September, 2023
Letter #18
Strings intertwined cause friction Somehow prized as this winning affliction So eager to tie our own ropes Yet all I can think of are the breaks and bends They're burning the candle from both ends Cascading wax leaks through my fingertips Is a string meant to melt? To dissipate? Sparks without a pulse to accommodate What a reward to be drenched in oil Awaiting the next pretty flicker of flame To set ablaze every notion of it's fame The tale of a red knot tangled
Date Written: 2nd of September, 2023
Letter #17
Make me talk, make me sing Wash away everything Teeth on skin is the answer Meld me into flickering amber Design my body, change it's shape Run your fingers by my nape Melted through this simple touch Have my knees return to mush Break me, remake me Swear an oath, a loyal devotee As long as morning never comes Let us exist amongst loving hums
Date Written: 2nd of September, 2023
Letter #16
You tempt and toy with my mind as your playground Never settling, never quenched My emotions are your strings As you move you play melodies You ask me to tell you about all the ways one can be bad I felt my stomach retreat upon it's mention Unassuming expectations for the storm you lit within Rather than words I would show you Slowly, fervently Lacing each second of your intrigue with worship But these requests from your lips I can never accept Saving tongue-tied advances for strangers beds instead Self reflection set a boundary around your sneakers "A line where no love may land" And through tangled heat I know we'd cross it My heart unfit already shivering at your voice so sweet The game you're playing caught all my thoughts off guard Begging me as I remind you of the rules you made My muse your words are cruel Feigned innocence far crueler With each bated breath my morals are in agony Truly you bring out the worst in me
Date Written: 29th of August, 2023
Letter #15
I still think about you some days - Most days. It's been hard not to when the home you made for yourself in my heart was left to ache without any remedy or closure to sooth it. I wonder what you're doing now days, and who you're doing it with. The thought doesn't fuel jealousy through my veins so much as it does a sense of melancholic acceptance, as I know no matter where you found yourself, it wasn't somewhere I belonged. I hope you're going well, that your same bad jokes and unjustified confidence still annoy yet endear you into the lives of everyone you meet. Getting over you has been hard, impossible maybe, I'm unsure. Years in and my journey still isn't over. But, I know I'm glad that you left. Maybe I didn't accept it at the time, but this space has been healthy. You were a good chapter of my life, a fanciful page I needed to turn to feel satisfied by the storyline ahead. The fan favourite, re-read lovingly on special nights where the comfort of slipping into something safe is needed. I still think about you some days, most days, but it's less than I used to and I'm proud of myself for that. I'd like to think if we ever met one another again, it'd be in passing with awkward small talk and half-hearted goodbyes as our only exchanges - because as much as I cherish you still dearly, some things belong in the past as memories. Perfectly and sweetly, with love.
Date Written: 25th of August, 2023
Letter #14
Hands sinking from this intrinsic weightlessness These contradictions spill out of me With every rhythmic throbbing of the arteries As though it were inherently innate to lose reason Reluctancy claimed it's vested right to my chest The thought bringing it all into perpetual deliberation An impending consequential end to touch Like a clock continuously thrust into resetting Hands disheveled, scraping, tired Sinking.
Date Written: 20th of August, 2023
Letter #13
I picked up a packet of cigarettes again I needed something that would keep me sane Same old one with the ultra slim filter, fresh burst blue I guess because somehow it still reminds me of you My mind wanders with each deepened breath Thoughts I'd share, if not for your death Would you be proud of me for just being around? Or wished I had done something more profound? With each swift flick to turn on my lighter I enter a strangers bed for another all-nighter I'd love to talk about him with you some day How this love left me a messy bundle of disarray For now though, all that remains is ash Memories torn, our photos left by the trash I picked up a packet of cigarettes again I wanted to feel like I did when I was ten At least I could talk to you back then
Date Written: 18th of August, 2023
Letter #12
"You deserve better." Cowardness trickling through each word A lie is laced in fickle venom An attempt at some redemption As if you weren't deflecting Off a heart you didn't desire "You deserve better." It did not hurt me because it's untrue It did not hurt me because I wanted you It was accepting what had been left to die When you just couldn't think up an excuse That would make for a better goodbye "You deserve better." How hard did you try to make yourself believe it? Would it have been that hard to admit? I thought with me you'd show your real colour But the choices were grey Turning simple and duller "You deserve better." Did you expect me to shed a tear? Yes, maybe it's true My forwardness might cast a shadow But at least I know how to be more honest Than this a lie on which you insist
Date Written: 13th of August, 2023
Letter #11
I will fade away from your life Just like the petals That have outgrown their bloom Softly, quietly Leaving only gentle traces My dear sunflower Thank you for the light Though my spring cannot last forever Your resounding presence Shall never come to wilt As I return to the earth I hope the breeze is kind I hope it carries me caringly across the sea To a land where soils can nurture The dust that has become me May my stem descend to the ground Away from your gazes Beyond the reach of your touch With only one last apology to be given I fear for me this world was simply too much
Date Written: 14th of August, 2023
Letter #10
You are my apple seed Daily dose of poison Your world promises wellness "It only costs a bite" But beneath the flesh you hide Delicious seeds of cyanide Sweet almond tart delight "What a wonderful morning meal" If only it wasn't for the chemicals You so covertly conseal Such a painless little portion "There's no harm in one or two" I indulge and think no more About what a tiny seed could do But they add up one by four Trickled rain turns pouring fall All because of the innocuous Your hidden apple core
Date Written: 14th of August, 2023
Note #9
Experiences may have lended their wisdom, Taught me how not to be like that monster. It's true I have gained new vision, however; My trauma did not make me stronger. The lessons it taught were too strict, Turned me afraid of being a bother. Yet you will not hear me faulter as I say; My trauma did not make me stronger. It left me beaten, battered and bruised, Now left to walk with poor posture. Please stop telling me time will fix things; My trauma did not make me stronger.
Date Written: 13th of August, 2023
Letter #8
My little daffodil, Resting all alone without any sunlight. What's given you that might? How many demons were you made to fight? Do you know there's no end to what I'd give In the mere hope that it'd help you feel alright? Because I'm sat here, chest clenched tight Pleading with the harshness of the night. "If only the stars would give some heed to this weary plight" "If only my warmth through unconditional love you'd requite" Your petals shine so bright, Resting all alone with the moonlight. Always so close to that beautiful, unifying sight But never quite.
Date Written: 12th of August, 2023
Letter #7
Seeing you happy still means the world to me But that joy has grown a contradiction "What is a love without it's strength?" "What is a heart without it's flaws?" My love once so unconditionally sweet Gained a rancid taste, bitter and overripe A fruit left neglected for years Such sharp textures for something so contrite I once promised you the universe To this day I would still serve it to you Only my hands are tainted with soil No longer clean enough to use If I love you, I should let you free A true effort to prove my loyalty Yet the temptation of a bird cage Now sounds the kindest to me
Date Written: 11th of August, 2023
Letter #6
"You really hurt me." Fuck, I wish I could say that to you. I want to tell you "I wished you were better" And hear you say "I'm sorry." like you mean it. My love of you is a laceration across my chest Visible to everyone who meets me, Stinging at every change of the winds. It likes to bleed out at night. The kitchen sink is stacking higher, Soon the laundry pile will join. Sometimes I still see your ghost in the mirror, Staring back at me with empty eyes. I guess I'm in another one of my rutts again It just all feels so pretentious and aimless "You really hurt me, but I hurt me more." The truth is a harder pill to swallow.
Date Written: 10th of August, 2023
Letter #5
The sharpness traces Gentle and cold Pressure brings warmth, a gasp Purely pleasurable relief Muscles forced into stiffening All while melting to belief "Red is the colour of passion" I tell myself as it trickles down my side Where engravings sing of promises Living life, finally feeling satisfied Guilty yet remorseless "What petal has yet to fall?" So sickly sweet, but is no treat Just a sucker left to crawl
Date Written: 7th of August, 2023
Letter #4
It rained in my head for years But look at all the flowers that bloomed from it As they grew I thought of us Our resilience created such beauty Now, as they come to wilt I find myself thinking solely of you
Date Written: 7th of August, 2023
Letter #3
You're a toxin, a poison built to dissolve the lives of everyone you touch with that deformity of an organ you call a heart. Avert your gaze and ignore your texts, decline any sense of desperation you use to cling to those who're above your station. A lowly imperfection so intent on infecting any mercy you're shown, what wilting flower wouldn't weep given the chance to witness such a pathetic display of insecurities. Be grateful you are not yet eradicated, For time and the likes of you do not cross kindly. A childish fool, you were never worthy of humanity. To: Myself "With love - whatever that means."
Date Written: 6th of August, 2023 Words I had written to myself after a mental lapse.
Self-inflicted guilt laces my lungs with tar, it gets so hard to breathe. Sometimes I wonder if everyone feels this weight in their chests all the time, heavy with doubts and hesitations. I'm sure even the most put together people have things that bring them down when it gets quiet, which is sad to think about. All beauty needs to be broken before it blooms, but wouldn't it be lovely to simply indulge in peace for once? To quell the heartbreak inside is something special, I can only hope I may one day join the people who have found their rest from all of the emotional aches. Idk, i'm tired. it's all a lot.
Lot to do, with questioning, how to do...
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the site of memory - toni morrison 💌
I'm working by the fire because it is so cold today
53/100 days of productivity: I don't have a lot of things to post. I revise all days long and that is not really photogenic. But today my mother bring me flower, so I needed to take a picture I will also wear new glasses because my view changed due to working a lot. So take care of your eyes !
39/100 days of productivity: Planning my revision weeks. I use code colouring to know which chapters are important and which one are less important or already known. It last me a lot of time to list every one of it.
30/100 days of productivity: Bullet journal pages about engineering schools entrance examination
23/100 days of productivity: I have so much to do this week. I will try to do as much as I can, but honestly I must make choice on what is optional.
My whole collection, I use them for my bullet journal
Hi, I from France. I study in CPGE, kind of a science class before engineering school. I love watching studyblr and bullet journal posts, and lately I wanted to make my own. I'm not really good at pretty notes, organised desk and perfect writing even if I love seeing those posts. I'm aware that there are already a lot of studyblr but I study quite a lot and I think studyblr community can be a good motivation for me. Also it's been more than a year that I'm using a bullet journal even if mine is quite simple but still helpful.
things to add to your journals
song lyrics for a specific mood
spotify codes for favourite songs
receipts from a trip
envelope for gifts from any small children you know
pages to press flowers in
ticket stubs
fortune cookie readings
daily three-card tarot pulls
watercolour paper for art
page cutouts
watercolours just in general
pressed flowers
other dried herbs
sketches (taped or glued in)
morning/evening routines
colour in the leftover paper backing from stickers and glue/tape it in
friendship bracelets that may have broken or come off
grocery lists or other shopping lists (glue in if written on other paper)
book quotes
block poetry (you'll have to take a page out of a book for this)
mental health goals
halloween: candy wrappers
fabric scraps
family recipes
different textured papers
stamps
coins
Dear Diary,
Of all the coffee shops in all of New York City he had to walk into mine. It has been 8 years since I've seen him. 8 years and then he just strolls into my café with his beautiful eyes, strong jaw and charisma. And just like the last time he walked into my life I was just as taken and mesmerized by him. That was why I sent divorce papers and refused to see him after I left him. Then fate brings him right back into my life. Even if only for a moment. Now I need to read my cards and see what they have to say about all this. Consult the Goddess and see whh she would bring him back into my life.
Em
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It had been 8 years since she had seen that face, nothing had changed. Maybe there were a few a few wrinkles around his piercing deep brown eyes. Other than that, Logan seemed untouched by the hands of time. Ember peeked out at him from the kitchen of her café. He had only just walked in, she had known it was him by the sound of his voice. She herself had been baking in the back when he approached the counter to order. Not daring to show herself to him as he stood at the counter, she quickly messaged Piper at the counter that his food was on the house.
Now there she stood hair a mess, staring at the man she had fallen so deeply in love with ages ago. It felt like a lifetime had passed and yet as she stood there it felt as if she'd never left their apartment in LA. Straightening her hair a bit she tossed the apron she had been wearing to Piper. Making her way to the little nook he was tucked in. He was already on his third refill as she brought him a fourth and one for herself. Sitting it down on the table in front of him before she slipped into the across. Opening her mouth to speak she couldn't form the words, he was even more handsome than she remembered. Taking a sip of her coffee she waited for her courage to kick in.
