Journal - Blog Posts

I'm back in fire fighting mode. This is the most stressful mindset to be in. Why is it comfortable? Why do I keep defaulting to this. This isn't healthy for me.

I scheduled a therapy session. I don't know what's wrong. I'm just tired of things being the way they are.

Ok. Long time since I've posted.

I had some great weeks working out three times a week. Awesome!

Not so great with house work and even got behind in school work. But, I'm caught back up and trying to maintain again.

Let's see how this week goes.

Today: 2/4/25

Week been consistent with work out and homework. Don't know why the melancholy has been at me lately. We're getting through it. Always seems like so much. There's always more to do. Always more to get done.

Today: 1/25/2025

I'm up. Calf cramping like hell. It's ok.

Plan:

Dishes,

Laundry,

Trash out,

Workout,

Fishing.

I want something fun today.

Today: 1/19/25

I didn't very good last week. Not sure what happened. I had to go back to understanding why I want these things. Took the oldest to a splatter room. They seemed to enjoy it. It helped me get out of my head. Work is picking up and going to be taking a lot of time. Did five 12 hr sifts last week.

Today: 1/13/2025

Slept too little. Mentally drained after work. Not achieved step goal. Not achieved physical goal. Not achieved housework goal. Complete all assignments for school yesterday and steps.

Reflection: I need sleep. I don't work right when not sleeping. Even caffeine doesn't help. Sad about missing all targets for the day. Angry about people being closed minded at work. Confused on if I'm being closed minded. Lingering effects of not enough sleep. Booooooooo. Did manage some reading for school. Not sure I absorbed any of it. Tomorrow will tell.

Next day goals: 4000 steps. One load of dishes cleaned and put away. One load of laundry cleaned and put away. Draft discussion board post. Do the work things. Connect to the kids.

Catch up:

Been consistent in achieving step goals and dishes. Not getting the help I've been requesting. But, that's ok. This is my journey and my goals. I cannot expect others to participate. 🙁

It makes me sad I'm not getting help. So, I have to strengthen my resolve to see them through. I'll allow myself the sadness here during reflection.

I have not been doing my homework. If I want to get that masters degree, I have to focus and dedicate time to the effort.

For today:

I've already cleaned the kitchen. Wiped all the walls down. I'll mop another time. I've enough clean clothes to make it through the week. So, focus is one homework. This modules assignments are due today. Once completed I'll do the work for my body.

I need to move past the regret of allowing my body to get weak. It's not easy for me. I'll work on that later. Right now, homework and body.

Today: 1/8/25

Rough day. I didn't walk before work. I did achieve my step goal. I didn't do any physical activity apart from walking. I drove home but drove right back to Austin. It's probably going to freeze tonight at home but not in Austin and I need to be at the clinic to conduct training. I'm staying in a hotel over night. Hopefully, I can get back into routine tomorrow. Didn't do homework. Going to bed soon. Able to assign someone else to do dishes and laundry.

Reflection:

I feel meh. Excited to sleep in a little and have slow morning with coffee and easy roll to work. Not going to be at myself up over not achieving as much as I wanted. Not sure if laundry or dishes complete. Should have checked.

Tomorrow's plan:

Get up, have coffee, walk around hotel before work. Finish training and start drive home. I can work from home Friday, so I'll stay up later to finish responses for class. Do one load of dishes and put away. Do one load of dishes and laundry. Do step goal. Do 20 mins of physical activity.

Today: 1/7/2025

Walked at lunch. It was cold. Step goal complete. One load of dishes complete and put away. One load of laundry complete and put away. Assignment started, discussion post complete. Still need to do responses to two other discussion posts.

Reflection:

House seeing benefit of three day consistency. Encouraged to try to add more tasks. More tasks are needed. Worried about barriers popping up and derailing routine before it's built habit. Worried about taking too many tasks on in a day and burning out. Getting really really cold. Worried I won't feel like working out tomorrow. Need to maintain trigger of coming home, changing clothes, going to the garage and doing something. Doesn't matter what it is as long as it's physically moving my body for 20 minutes. With this new term worried that school is going to derail other priorities. Three days in, have maintained consistency so far. I'm worried that I won't maintain it. I need to keep these small steps going until they're habit. Before adding additional habit steps. A little bit everyday.

Plan for tomorrow:

Won't have opportunity to walk at work. Going to be facilitating training session during lunch hour. Attempt to do A thousand steps before work tomorrow. Need to complete one additional paragraph tomorrow on assignment. Do one load of dishes and put away. Do one load of laundry and put away. 20 minutes of physical activity after work. Ask for help for additional cleaning tasks.

Today: 1/6/25

Back to work today. I love my job. It's not easy and people make it more difficult than it needs to be. But, we're making progress and the culture is changing.

I did manage to workout when I got home. It wasn't as much as I did on Friday. But, I'm building habits and something is better than nothing. I reached my step goal of 3000 steps. Fourth day in a row reaching that goal. Still 450lbs, this is not sustainable and my body is weak.

I didn't do as much as I wanted around the house. I did load of dishes, one load of laundry (wash and dry still need to put away), swept living room.

Reflections: I was worried I wouldn't work out after work. I hate the 1.25 hr commute. I didn't do as much around the house. First assignment of this term is due Thursday and I haven't even started. I do not like being a student. I love learning but the student thing is terrible. I miss my strong body. I miss doing 10 mile hikes. I miss being able to lift heavy things one handed.

Lessions learned: Keep the phone put down. Podcasts and music are better than TV and videos for me. Less distracting and helps focus. Every little bit counts.

Plan for 1/7/25: Walk at lunch break. Start marketing assignment. One load of dishes. One load of laundry wash, dry, and put away. Put away the load in dryer.

Today: 1/5/25

Well I was able to get somethings done. Not as many as I wanted to. I felt lethargic and slow. Like my body was extra heavy. Not sure

Today: 1/4/2025

For the first time in my life I rented a drained snake. Amateur plumbing. My body is tired. I've gotten way too fat and weak. The laundry room was backing up into the house. The kitchen sink was backing up into the house. I'm filthy and need a shower.

Reflection: Apart from money, I don't know why I put this off for 2 weeks. I feel accomplished. My body hurts and I feel weak. I feel relieved that this task is done. I feel encouraged to do something else. It might not be today but I have to do something else in the house. The list of things I have to do is way too long. And my body is so weak.

Lesson learned: Just do the things. Take 20 minutes everyday and do something for your body. 20 minutes everyday, something to make your body better.

Just Me

I need to finally accept the fact that I’m alone. I tried to open myself up to help and friendship and support & I’ve had to demand it. It did not come freely. I don’t think this is going to change. It hurts but I accept it.

I think pretty soon, I’m just going to have to diminish my contact with others. Keep it to only public scenarios like grocery stores and barbershops. Leave personal ties behind me. I wish things were different but there nothing I can do.

I wish that I didn’t have to keep changing myself to fit into this world. I’ve really come to like who I am as a person, and I thought I was bringing something good to the world. I find myself having a harder and harder time everyday. Being myself makes me only feel more lonely and like I don’t belong. I wish no one would ever know this feeling.

So much of the time I feel like I don’t matter. And I think I do, but no one else seems to think so. I’m not sure how I’ll manage to be who I want to be and also remove myself from society. So much pain. It doesn’t matter. My feelings don’t seem to matter. How can I value myself when no one else does? I’m conflicted. I’m hurt. I think I really should just leave everyone alone.

Maybe one day someone will hear me.

(11.11.17)

Good Morning

I can feel you. Your skin on mine. Our hair lightly intertwined. My thighs pressing on yours. No fabric between us. The sun spilling through the blinds onto our bodies. It’s warm, just warm enough. Last night... Goddamn! We’re lucky there wasn’t a noise complaint. Between the sweating and squeezing, I’m surprised my muscles finally stopped throbbing. Your hair and your neck in my hands... your lip between my teeth, you taste so good.

Look at you, fast sleep. Your body barely moving against gravity as that gentle heart of yours beats. The heart strong enough to hold me and my epic feelings. You’re still sweet to me even when I’m at my worst. Your hair always smells like the beach, and your lips a bit salty after the first kiss. Your body still fits in mine, it’s so comforting. I’m trying not to wake you as I run my fingers over your lower back down to your ankles. I want more.

I’m watching you from the bathroom, washing the taste of sleep from my mouth so I can wake you with sweet kisses. You feel so good under me. Your knee resting on my ass, your wrists crossed on the back of my neck. Take my weight baby. You like how heavy I am... Make me grow.

Out of breath again. Your head on my chest as the clock keeps ticking. I don’t want to get up, everything else can wait. This feels right. How do we do this to each other? Never mind, I dont want to ruin the magic, promise me you’ll never stop. Your eyes, they’re shining as you look at me. Your lips twitch before you speak and it’s one of the cutest things about you. What are you going to say to me my love?

“Good morning, baby.”

(10.6.17)

excheckered:

143—The page where Jason quits his job at a high profile tech company.

i'll always be forever sad that 'awesome' has become so warped in context in comparison to what it originally meant. awe-some, to invoke awe. like?????? i want to be able to use it without sounding like some skater boy from an early 2000's sitcom

just got nettle stings all over my legs from running through a forest at dusk because i was spooked by an owl that is so manic pixie dream girl of me

'spit' being the past tense of 'spit' doesn't sit right with me.

Journal

And its all in my head, (our past, our future)

I can’t get you out of my head

Mind reader, you can see inside my head

Seeing you it all comes to a head

The thought comes into my head

I’ll love you until I’m dead

There’s a part of me that’ll always love you.

The part of me that’s still 13, the part of me that was the beginning of who I am now, not the child but the person. You watched the change, you changed yourself, and we survived that terrible process together, the death of the old us, the horrors of becoming, the fear and loneliness and hope and desire.

And that’s the foundation of who I am today, and you’re there too, imbedded in the cornerstone, along with all the joys and disasters, and I can’t not love you. I love you like I love summertime, or old musicals, or a favorite book. But it’s more than that. I don’t love you like a friend, or a brother, or a lover. Maybe I love you like I love myself. You’re a fragment. You’re a coin I flip, tails for a grudge and disappointment and bitterness, heads for overwhelming tenderness.

And our bodies never meet, you’re so careful to stay a few feet away, but the meeting of our minds is tangible enough for the brush of your fingers to seem irrelevant. And it’s so tragic and so romantic and then tragic again, isn’t it? You’re divorced and too young for that, I’m a virgin and too old for that, and we won’t say those words but we know it in the sidelong glances, in the shapes we draw around in our conversations.

In the scandalously intimate front seats of the car, in the dark and deserted corners on our evening walking, in the quiet of the galleries where we pick apart the art like it will tell us something about ourselves, I can’t bear to look at you for fear of what I’d do. And we’re two ships in the night, a long day together and then a long year apart, and maybe a year becomes forever, because despite our best efforts and egos we aren’t psychic, or perfect, but I think, I hope, we both want otherwise.

And I think about other things too, about your fingertips through my hair, about how we’d laugh, and it would be so strange, wouldn’t it? But if you were the last man on earth, I think we’d be grateful for the apocalypse to leave us to our own devices. And you’re nothing without an audience but I would laugh enough for a whole auditorium, just you and me and the end of the world. But these are foolish things, flights of fancy that die in the sunlight, in the statistics. So I stop thinking about them, about you. And I can go without thinking about you forever, but you’re always there anyway, in the map of my subconscious, in chess and in that christmas card, in showtunes and in shame and in shivers, in dialects and old sci-fi and always, always, in dreams. I hope I’m more than just an old face to you.

I fled all of the way across the sea

But there is never an escape for me

I live in paradise, no grades, no stress

Yet here I am again, always regress

When all the monsters are inside your head

An angsty teen still anxious in her bed

But I am 20, not 13, and still

I’m still trapped and depressed, please God, when will

My mental anguish end, is there no hope

Or joy for me I can sustain? Just cope

And love the Lord and lose my mind

Searching in vain for that which I can’t find

Sick to my stomach, missing all I had

Though knowing this is better, I feel bad,

No, dreadful, selfish, worthless, stupid, fake

Embarrassed, paralyzed by each mistake

I couldn’t ask for more, it’s not enough

There’s no place on this earth that’s up to snuff

I am a traveler, stranger in this land

Not Italy, but earth itself, I stand

In fear of God, oh Jesus come, your hand

Be in my life, and may this life be grand

A stupid ending to a stupid poem

My old self-loathing just wants to go home

Pics from thanksgiving 2023,I liked my outfit,but it was really cold that day so I was freezing.

21.07.21

Organization

I’ve been trying to take my dog out in walks more often lately

He gets very rowdy since he doesn’t typically go on walks

And I thought walks after dinner would be something that would be good for both of us

We don’t go anywhere special

We just walk around in my suburban neighborhood.

I went to another section of the neighborhood for a change.

Right across the busy street.

And oddly enough

The scenery didn’t change

But my mind finally came to the realization of how odd the layout of my neighborhood was

Two trees in every front yard

A flower bed on the corner of it too

There’s no other greenery other than grass though

The roads go straight, right hand curve, straight, right hand curve

Border by light poles and power lines

You might see people outside, but this is rare.

They’re only outside come the holidays

Popping fireworks until one in the morning

I came to a section that had two baby trees alongside the sidewalk, which was also just as rare as seeing people outside.

Its soil was structured into a square on the ground.

There are so many basic shapes in this neighborhood.

What’s it all for?

I’m told to go outside but what it outside is nothing but boring attempts at housing.

It’s all

So

boring

No parks

No pools

No community

We’re not even allowed in the ditch anymore.

Is this what the future of housing is?

Humans try so hard to control nature

And to control organization

And make things clean

Because nature is just messy and chaotic and gross.

So we’ll just put all the trees in one block of land then put a road then put another block of trees in another acre of land and call ourselves friendly to the environment.

Humans have such parallels to our environment.

We’re messy

We’re chaotic

We’re gross.

And we’re so beautiful.

We’re also just an unpredictable as nature is

But we’re also fascinating because of our unpredictability

We do things that we ourselves do not even understand

We live, die, sleep, dream, get sick, fall in love, hate, fail, succeed,

All of these things are down to its core chaotic, unpredictable, unhinged, and messy.

I guess we inherited that from nature

So

Stop trying to pretend that we are meant to live on squares and rectangles

Because our world is so much more complicated than that.

And instead of fearing that very fact,

Try embracing it.

Letter #30

These shoes never walked a single step astray From the memories of skin in that dingy underway In their wake comes everything I once held dear to say Tightened laces bracing forth through times of "come what may" While you fall on a prayer you wont remember me this way Love, you wont remember me each day.

Date Written: 25th of October, 2023

Letter #26

She didn't know how to rest yet Hadn't learnt the point of growing up Curled lips and big bright eyes Vein attempts at masking her truth She built palaces with her words Enrapturing swarms with pretty lies Answer "I'm happy" in earnest when asked Naive to knowing emptiness isn't meant to fill If only charms didn't cost her a sense of self When rose coloured glasses lose their hue Tell me, what else is a young girl to do? She'll learn the lesson of life eventually Little by little, day by day, Time will tell every tale that shall come Each rose petal guiding her forward The future will change her pace Discovering what it means to slow down Dream in something other than clouds Her mind knew not of certainty No shining knight, no protective shield Mercy found only beyond towering walls As their creator, she shall soon be their end But refusing destruction beyond herself There is only so much a tender heart can mend A limbo she lives, hopelessly hopeful Spinning until she becomes spun So for now, let youth recklessly take her It's not a lesson you can teach her She has to learn it on her own

Date Written: 23rd of September, 2023

Letter #20

Let's meet again In another life If not conversely Then to share Silently sweet smiles Polite passing nods Where you don't Look like "you" And I resemble Only simple nothings Let's meet again As different minds Shall our shadows Split into 4s Beyond all connection Where time begins

Date Written: 9th of September, 2023