Journal - Blog Posts
self doodles in my journal so far
journal page i liked
💗
this and a quiet life with a girl in the future 🩷
[8.08 am] Just finished revising all the vector calculus that I have done so far. I will do 10 more pages of vector calculus today. Just praying to God that this day goes well.
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[12.29] I studied vector calculus for an hour and so done with it for today. I will later check out Paul's online notes to see if I can use them for my next two chapters. But for now, I'll watch a movie.
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[10.18] I completed three chapters of analysis 1.Omgggg.I was listening to some om chantings in the afternoon because I was getting stressed. It did help and made my day go so much better. I still haven't figured out how I will remember the proofs. I understand them and only vaguely reconstruct them. I just have to remember that I don't need to stress about it. I'll eventually get to know about it. If you guys know how to do it then please let me know <3
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217 days left to go...
Will I make it ?
The Mayriit Project.Stay tuned on a Tumblr blog near you.
this is happening to me for a reason. i do understand that it's happening because i haven't fully reached the potential of being at full peace with myself, my existence in this world, as i am. that as long as i search for that peace in other people it will keep happening to me again and again. that as long as i don't let go of wanting to be in control over this, it will keep happening to me.
the air after spring rain–
a relief spreads in my lungs
the raindrops glitter on the grass as the sun caresses
a long winter's hurt
drawn out of the depths of my heart
The Power of Intention over Purpose and Goals
Recently, I became frustrated again with my seeming inability to declutter my life from the usual distractions. Reaching for my phone to scroll endlessly, putting Youtube on as background noise, constantly listening to random playlists, the usual suspects. When I reached my peak in frustration a thought came to me: I want to live my life with intent. I want to make conscious decisions and act accordingly. I want to focus on one thing at a time, as often as possible. I know I'm not reinventing the wheel here. Mindfulness and conscious living isn't a foreign concept to me either. But for some reason when I started framing it with the question "What is my intention?" Meaning, what is my intention, in the first place, towards myself, I realized that it seemed easier to shift my behavior. So now when I instinctively pick up my phone out of boredom I ask myself: "What is my intention in doing this?" For some reason it helps me shift my attention towards better options, like reading or just drinking my coffee in silence while looking out of the window, without feeling like I'm forcing myself to. Of course I don't just only do that though. I'm not one of those people that believes all social media is inherently evil. But the way that I consume things on there changes when I ask myself what my intentions are. When I do go on Youtube for example, the end result is I spend less time on there, but consume more high quality content that I'm actually interested in, rather than senseless short-form content. Before, I used to always try to set myself concrete goals like "No scrolling in the morning" but often failed to actually reach those goals because my mind immediately registered it as another annoying task I have to do. The cool thing about finding out what your intentions are in doing certain things, is that it can be applied to a lot of different aspects in life, or even just life in general. Rather than asking myself what my overarching goal or purpose in life is, I just ask myself "How do I intend to live?" Goals and purpose are terms that can feel heavy and burdensome to us, as they are intricately tied to our usefulness to the system we live in. That isn't to say that we should only think about ourselves and never be useful to others, but the societal pressure that comes with "finding your purpose" or reaching certain goals that everyone deems to be standard things you have to achieve (getting a good job, buying a house, starting a family, etc.) often doesn't actually help us achieve those things in a truthful and intentional way, even if we really want to achieve them. And of course it doesn't help at all, when we have dreams that are completely different from the "standard" way of living. (Some people don't care about being successful in their job, some people don't want families, etc.). By focusing on our intentions, we ask ourselves what we want out of life, not what we think we should want. The more we become familiar with our intentions, the more easy it becomes to navigate life in a way that is suitable for our particular selves, and the easier it becomes to live in line with those intentions, because it becomes easier to reinforce positive behaviors that enhance our life experience.
a couple thoughts on self-improvement
we need to understand that not giving ourselves enough time to kick a bad habit and establish a new better habit is a form of self-sabotage.
humans always want a quick solution for everything but our nervous systems were not built to adapt so quickly. that's why quitting a bad habit cold-turkey or starting a new good habit in an extreme way rather than easing in slowly usually doesn't work. (not saying it never works, but even if it does it's not the most optimal way to do things).
think about it this way: most addictions don't go from 0 to 100 immediately. since this is something that most of us struggle with, let's take for example phone addiction: you didn't just become addicted to consuming brainrot after watching a couple of reels. it's a learned behavior that develops from repetition and reenforcement.
i was already addicted to social media and the internet long before i had a smart phone. i watched hours of youtube and scrolled endlessly on tumblr. the problem just got worse and worse as I got more exposure to it and my brain became used to the sensation of that particular, easy dopamine reward. of course shortform content taking over and apps becoming more and more predatory in their design made the problem worse.
another thing that we tend to forget is that creating a better habits means making a conscious decision to do so on a regular basis. the fact that this too, is hard on our bodies and minds needs to be taken into consideration. that's why it's important to celebrate little successes. you managed to go a week without instagram? that's great! you managed to delete an app that you've been wanting to delete for a long time? there's more good things waiting if you keep going!
and if we mess up? if we re-install it or binge-scroll after a week of no social media? -we immediately feel like failures. instead of drowning in this feeling of failure, which reinforces us to go back to our addictive behavior, we need to encourage ourselves to keep trying.
and when we keep trying it's important to observe why we went back to the behavior we are trying to stop and what we could try to do better next time, so that we don't try blindly. what we perceive as failures are actually just experiences to learn something new and do better the next time.
the importance of gently and steadily building resilience and making your body and mind get used to trying again cannot be understated when it comes to forming better habits.
it's easy for people to say "it's not that deep" when they're not living it. sometimes we say it to cheer someone up when they're going through something. but you know what else is okay? maybe it is that deep for you. and that's okay. maybe it is that deep for you right now, but it won't be forever. feelings change all the time. what once scared you to death, you might be doing with ease now or not even thinking about. or maybe things you never worried about suddenly start weighing heavy on your mind. let's just remember that feelings are not final. what we need to learn is how to feel them, and how to exist beside them. sometimes that means certain feelings will be overwhelming or dominating you when they shouldn't. but if life was perfect and we never felt anything troubling then we'd never make any experiences and we'd all prob have the same character and personality. who wants that??
i went on a walk today again and i kept thinking about how the more you try to control what happens in your life, the more unhappy you will be with it. at least up to a certain point. the more you think you know what you want, the unhappier you will be once you get it and realize what the reality of living with it is like.
society is so fixated on finding your purpose, reaching goals and achievements but that's mainly because we're scared of dying and realizing how miniscule our existence really is in the grand scheme of things. that's one of the main reasons why so many people wanna be remembered for something. and there's nothing wrong with wanting that but there's also nothing wrong with not finding your purpose, or just achieving things that society deems "small" or "unimportant". if it's important to you then it matters. our baseline purpose is to just live our lives and exist. anything else on top of that is a bonus, but not necessary.
if i learned one thing in my almost 30 years of existing, it's that during the course of your life you will realize the ways in which you will reach your goals or find your purpose will be different than you imagined. the less you resist that truth, the less you will be worried about the future and the more at peace you will feel with your existence.
is anyone else fascinated with the concept of reclaiming silence and boredom?
because why does it feel so freeing? no screens, no music, no distractions, just being and observing the world around you.
i mean, i wish it hadn't come this far. i wish i didn't have to "reclaim" something so natural. but at the same time it feels good to be reminded of how simple it can be to be more connected to yourself and the world around you again.
i'm such an easily overstimulated person. especially when i'm in public places i usually prefer to have headphone in and listen to music. but recently even that feels too overwhelming, so i just keep my headphones in but don't listen to music.
i know it's ironic that i'm not actually doing nothing right now as i'm typing this on tumblr but right now it's raining and it kind of feels like a treat to just sit and listen while typing.
i'm just happy that i'm starting to lean towards enjoying life in a less distracted way again. that's all.
About journaling and more.
the ups, the downs, and the in betweens.
I've been journaling pretty regularly for the past 8 years (with little breaks in between). Ever since I started I pretty much decided my journals would all be "anything goes", meaning there would be no strict guidelines on formatting or content. I also call it creative journaling for that reason, as it encompasses far more than just regular journal entries. As such, the contents of my journals are colorful accumulations of diary entries, creative writing such as poems, essay-like writing, collages, drawings, doodles, wild scribbles, etc.
As with any hobby or habit, my relationship to journaling has changed a lot in the past few years. I've experienced some journaling fatigue, sometimes also accompanied by guilt that I was not keeping up with my habit. As we all know life sometimes gets in the way, and even though it often helped me to write out my thoughts, if I was going through prolonged stress, it sometimes felt like journaling about it made me feel worse. I rarely had energy to express myself creatively and every written entry would just be me venting the same feelings over and over, creating a strange cycle that seemed to amplify my misery instead of alleviate it.
My current journal has roughly 16 pages left. I started it in January 2023, feeling a bit fatigued from the prior year where journaling first started feeling quite weary to me, possibly due to a lot of stressful big life transitions happening. I decided I would focus more on the visual/creative aspect and only write when I truly felt like it. Then more stressful stuff happened, and I lost my passion for journaling almost entirely.
It was then that I noticed that when I had the urge to put my thoughts somewhere but felt fatigued, writing with pen and paper made me feel limited, like my hands couldn't keep up with my thoughts. When I needed an immediate outlet to express my thoughts, just opening a word document and going at it would make me feel more satisfied than grabbing my journal and writing them down by hand.
I was going to write all of this down in my journal too, but I decided to put it here instead, just because I felt like it. I've been wanting to get into blogging forever and would like to eventually have a more personal blog but tumblr is close enough for now, as it is my old homebase in a way.
Like many people on here, my teenage years were defined by tumblr. I spent over ten years on this platform (on a diff. account from 2009-2017) mostly just soaking in content and not really expressing myself. Admittedly I wasted a lot of time on here instead of having real life experiences but somehow it still felt like a less brain-rotting way of consuming content than whatever we have going on these days on the big three.
That's why I ultimately decided to come back here, at least for a while.
to the version of myself who got me this far,
you weren't supposed to die this way. despite the circumstances in which you had to go, i wanted to let you go with grace, for you gave me what i needed, when i needed it the most.
you didn't deserve the pain they put you through, or the pain i put you through. you deserved to receive the same love that you brought to other people.
at first i wanted to save you, i wanted to retrieve the memory of what it was like to be you. at least hold on a little bit longer. i didn't want to let you go, but i had to.
i take the goodness you left, and i carry it with me in my new shell. just know, i won't ever forget what you had to go through to become me.
you know better than anyone that everything is temporary. forever is just a hopeful plea, the base of our religion. but what to do with that knowledge? and how heavy it lays on my heart which still carries that child-like hope when it runs and skips in moments like these.
you have to let yourself feel the good things, even if they often feel too light, to implausible to be true.
even if you know they might be gone sooner than you think.
that's the hardest part, you still have to let yourself feel the good things.
Some of the sketches I did at Barcelona comic con
Day 1 of productivity
Well, I decided to make a "journal" of my days of productivity starting today.
I'm a Psychology student and I started at the college last year, but with the pandemic I didn't have the opportunity to get the true experience of being a college student. Actually I'm having online classes, but is not the same thing. It's more difficult to me to focus and to study, so I guess that making this will help me in some way.
Today I did read an article about feelings, because I need to do a presentation about it. Also I did organize my notes about Psychology History... So, yeah, I think that was a good day.
Fun (?) fact: I like to read or make paperwork while listing music or podcast. Today I listened to Six (the musical), Hamilton and a podcast about true crime.
@edwin_japan . . . . #art #artwork #artist #contemporaryart #drawing #draw #pencil #pen #marker #sketch #sketchbook #journal #gallery #happiness #fashion #icon #jean #tokyo #japan
@edwin_japan . . . . #art #artwork #artist #contemporaryart #drawing #draw #pencil #pen #marker #sketch #sketchbook #journal #gallery #happiness #fashion #icon #jean #tokyo #japan
@edwin_japan . . . . #art #artwork #artist #contemporaryart #drawing #draw #pencil #pen #marker #sketch #sketchbook #journal #gallery #happiness #fashion #icon #jean #tokyo #japan
Narrow residential alley #artist #painting #watercolor #drawing #study #artwork #journal #illustration #hockney #art
Okonomiyakiokonomiyakiokonomiyaki . . . .#tokyo #shibuya #japanesefood #watercolor #drawing #art #artist #pattern #painting #artwork #waynethiebaud #study #journal (at Sakuratei)
may 27, 2025
his smile is so perfect. crooked and smug, but perfect for him.
may 26, 2025
i’ve sworn for years we’re connected. because every time you come i can sense it. see it in the dark, hear it a million miles away. not only love swirls between us; raw want drags us back together over and over again.
may 25, 2025
i yearn for destruction of myself.
may 24, 2025
i have nothing to say anymore.
may 23, 2025
i can see you falling away from the man i know.
may 22, 2025
desire is such an ugly thing. pure want disguised in wandering fingertips, fingers laced in hair, and glazed over eyes.