Kacie B - Blog Posts

The Bachelor Recap - Episode 1

               In the immortal words of Dr. Alan Grant in Jurassic Park III, “My God…we’re back.” And so we are! Back to another season of extravagant dates, multiple Katie’s and Ashley’s, drama, romance, and of course, a journey to find true love. Sean Lowe has recovered from his heartbreak over Emily Maynard to find God’s match for him. I wish him the best of luck and that the make-up artists would for THE LOVE OF GOD shade his eyebrows in a little.

If you will so kindly recall dear readers, last go round we started these recaps after episode three of last season of the Bachelorette, so this is the first time I’ve recapped the introductions episode and boy is this exciting. Let’s jump right in!

At minute 1:12 – We get a girl who says the catchphrase of reality TV: “I didn’t come here to make best friends.” YUP. YES. SAYING THESE WORDS DEFINITELY MEANS NOT ONLY WILL YOU GO FAR, YOU WILL WIN AND NOT BE HATED BY ALL OF AMERICA. FOR SURE.

Sean talks about how crazy this all is and how he can’t believe he’s here blah blah blah I can’t hear him because it’s voiced over a montage of him exercising and I’m distracted by a) his muscles b)his splotchy redness that he gets on his arms [I’m concerned] c) is he a ginger or is he blond??? Oh no, I’m broken from my reverie by the sad Emily montage. Good thing he dodged that bullet because now he’s here! For our entertainment! Yaaaaaay!

Just in case he didn’t hammer home the point enough last season, Sean is obsessed with his family and the idea of starting his own family. He more than anything wants a house full of “love and laughter”. This guy. Alright. We get it. You are great and family oriented.

He ends his monologue with “I want to protect my woman. I want to love my woman. I want to honor her. I want to love her with everything I have, and I want to be the best man I can be for her.” Which is sweet, but also maybe let’s cut down on referring to your soul mate as “your woman” ok, Texas?

Pointlessly, Arie shows up to Sean’s bachelor pad just chat like dudes over a beer about such producer suggested topics like being dumped by the same girl, breaking up with other girls, and kissing. A weird, weird moment happens where Arie gives his kissing tips, and while I find them to be accurate and good tips, it is just a weird moment that passes. After teaching the 29-year-old grown man Sean how to properly kiss, Arie leaves. Great.

Now, let’s meet some crazies!

We get an in depth look at a selection of women which can mean any number of things. Some will be front runners, some might be villains, some might be crazies who go home the first night.

First up is Desiree, a lovely Southern belle who is a bridal consultant dreaming of the day she finds the man who will enable her to find the white dress of her dreams.

Next up is Tierra. That’s right. Her name is Tierra. Is this show self-aware enough to know what they’re doing to me by having a serious contestant named TIERRA? Apparently, because she starts off by showing us her depth. “Some people who live without love and be fine with their whole life [sic all of that mess], but I’m the opposite.” Oh really? Really, Tierra? So some people (sociopaths) can live without love and be fine (devoid of measurable human emotion), but you are the opposite (sane/ capable of empathy)? Oh, GOT IT. You are STAND OUT, among these women now. Blown away.

She literally squeals when they tell her that the Bachelor is Sean. She tells her heinous little Yorkshire terrier to get excited. I die a little.

Robyn is next, a lovely African American business woman from Houston who is learning Spanish “the romantic, sexy language” because that’s measurable. She’s fine, and I appreciate the show at least trying to be less Caucasian-specific.

Dianna is a 31-year-old hair-stylist from Utah who tells us she’s 30. She is the mother of two girls who “mean the world to her.” She is pretty and her girls are sweet. She’s a divorcee and is looking to find soul mate number two.

Here comes Sarah, an advertiser from LA who was born with one arm! She is just beautiful and very positive about life. She doesn’t feel it defines her, and is excited to find a love who can just be a partner.

Holler to Michigan! Ashley is a hairdresser from Macomb, Michigan who has a cat and NO idea why she’s still single! Then she tells us her dream man is Christian Grey from “50 Shades of Grey”, and we get some insight as to why that might be. She’s obsessed and weird about it. “Spank me!” she says to the book. Oh God.

Lesley M. lives and works in Washington DC and is “a huge advocate for the environment” whatever that exactly means nowadays in politics (at first I typed this as “hug advocate” which actually sounds like a great job that I could get behind). She is blond and pretty and looks like any pretty sorority girl you might have known and generally liked in college. She is originally from Arkansas and claims to be a “modern Southern belle”.

Kristy is a Ford model who boxes. “Girls will be jealous of me. No question,” she states. Despite being super proud of being a Ford model in New York, she wants to be known as the Wisconsin, Midwestern girl. Fine. Let’s see you put away some brats, and then we’ll talk.

Ashlee is a professional organizer who loves her perfectly organized life! Oh Em Gee! She’s sweet but holy crap seems a little neurotic. However, just as my jury is about to come in about her, she flips it around telling a truly touching story of being adopted at age six by a pastor’s family after going through six foster homes in one year. She tells us that she remembers them promising that they will tell her they love her every day, and I tear up just a smidge because, come on.

Without further adieu, it’s time for the parade of ladies to meet Sean!

Ashlee the organizer is up first. She’s wearing a nice red dress. She’s sweet.

Jackie a cosmetics consultant comes next! She puts on some red lipstick and “puts her mark on him” with a kiss on the cheek. He says “thank you very much!” and is like “Cool. What do I do now?” inside.

Selma! Selma is a beautiful, raven haired real estate developer who wipes the kiss off Sean’s cheek. I already like her. Something about her just seems beautiful, fun, and good-natured. Please don’t prove me wrong, Selms.

Leslie H. a poker dealer comes up next. She keeps telling Sean that he is handsome and a hunk and forgets to tell him her name! She’s cute but bland.

Daniella a “commercial casting associate” (that’s a thing?) comes out and teaches Sean a secret handshake that he obviously fumbles over because he’s never done it before and then they just leave it. Her hair is a hot mess.

I may have spoken too soon on the hot-mess-hair train because out next walks Kelly, a “CRUISE SHIP ENTERTAINER” with heinous extensions. She’s from Nashville and therefore finds it appropriate to sing a ridiculous song to Sean. It includes the words “love to have you home to try my mama’s sweet tea” so I’ll just let you dream up what the rest of the hellish nightmare might be like.

Katie a 27-year-old yoga instructor comes out and centers his chakras for some good chi. she is barefoot and clearly a hippie.

Ashley Shades of Grey comes out in a slinky black sequin number! “So have you read any good books lately?” she probes. “I have actually!” Sean eagerly retorts, probably expecting some intellectually stimulating conversation. She tells him she read “50 Shades of Grey” as she pulls a grey silk tie out of the bust of her dress. His face is priceless.

“I’m guessing I know the symbolism behind this?” he asks.

“Yup,” she says, “Crazy!”

“Yyuh-essss,” he croaks out. Yes, Ashley. Yes. Crazy. You are crazy. Let’s TONE IT DOWN with the bondage talk at first introductions, kay?

We meet Taryn, Catherine, Robyn who tries to do two back-flips and falls on the second one, Lacey, Paige from the Bachelor Pad whose occupation reads “Jumbotron Operator” and I cannot believe that’s a thing. All their introductions are succinct and fine and nice.

Tierra emerges and is a little ball of orange light. I hate her already, perhaps unfairly but her name is TIERRA. She tells Sean, “I wanted to show you that I have a heart on my finger, and it’s open. And I hope that you’ll be the guy to complete it.” Then he tells her to wait right there for one moment.

What’s going on? What does this mean? Her smug face is hiding her inner panic and confusion. Sean finds the honorable Chris Harrison to find out if he can bend the rules.

When he comes back out to Tierra, he gives her a rose. Right off the bat, he likes Tierra enough to give her a rose and keep her around. Sean is a rebel. A real rose rebel. Surely this will not bode well with Tierra’s favor with the other women.

The next barrage of women brings Amanda who forces them to have a weird awkward pause that is actually awkward, Keriann who drove over 2,000 miles for him, Desiree our bridal stylist in a gorgeous red dress who has Sean throw pennies into the fountain with her, and Sarah our one-armed friend who claims she always envisioned falling in love on a TV show with 24 other women, Brooke a community organizer who purrs at him like Eartha Kitt, Diana forgets her name in her haste, and finally Lesley M. who runs a football play with Sean just to catch a view of his tight behind. I like you game, girl.

Kristy the Ford model leads with the fact that she’s the best from the Midwest, and again, I must challenge her to any kind of casserole or brat eating contest. Ashley, a model from….Denver? Denver has models now, I guess. Arrives. She is slinky. Lauren’s family owns an Italian restaurant and threatens Sean’s life! Ha ha!

Oh my god. Oh no. Lindsay just got here. Lindsay is wearing a full wedding dress and veil and goes right in for a kiss on the lips that Sean desperately tries to get on his cheek. “I’ve got balls!” she quips. “I hope not,” he manages.

And that’s our 25. But wait! What’s this?! There is one more person arriving. One more woman from the Bachelor family who will vie for Sean’s attention.

It’s Kacie B.!!! Kacie B. from Ben’s season last winter who made it far, but ultimately dodged a horrible bullet. She’s back to try and win Sean’s love after developing a crush on him between seasons. I loved Kacie and really hope that this works out for her. Sean and Kacie as a couple make sense, and I hope he really gives this a shot.

The girls are suspicious of her, but not outwardly super hostile. She’s in for some drama most likely, but if she’s the Kacie we know, she’s got the guts to get through it.

Desiree is upset saying that she had her chance with Ben, so what makes her think it’ll work with Sean? Well, Des, for starters, they are two completely different men, so perhaps that might be the root of her presumptions.

Sean wants everyone to feel at ease. To break the tension, they all let out a big scream. The cocktail party of doom begins with all the women fighting for one man’s attention.

Sean talks to Kacie first, and he gallantly offers his jacket to ward off the cold. He’s shocked and surprised to see her, but she’s confident and is trying to make him see her as more than just a friend. He and I agree that it’ll take some getting used to, but we all hope it’s worth it if there’s something there. So glad we’re all on the same page, team.

As the party goes on, Sean is handing out roses left and right, throwing the women into an absolute tizzy. Every time they see a new woman walk by with a rose, they question what is going on and try to parse out the meaning behind it all. Cattiness ensues of course, as they all try to get a rose.

Eventually some bright woman figures out that he’s just giving out roses as he feels a strong connection with any woman. This seems like a good idea to me, so he has fewer names to remember at the big rose ceremony and it helps relieve some of the anxiety for the women.

Lindsay in the wedding dress is concerned that Sean may not have understood her joke and wacky sense of humor in this whole ordeal and makes a quiet plea to the gods to be “more sober” as she tries to get to know Sean.

Her pleas, it seems, go unanswered as she asks Sean to dance and tries to demand a kiss from him. He is being gracious and laughing the whole way through. They have a truly weird conversation about being traditional and her really being a good girl. He graciously shirks her off and escapes with his life.

Back to Ashley Shades of Grey being the captain of the hot mess train. She starts “sexy dancing” all over the house which just equates to her shaking her booty and making duck face.

Kacie aptly observes, “She just needs a lot of water. Water, people!” I have missed her wry wit.

Ashley is insane. And will not let go of the “Fifty Shades of Grey” thing. Sean makes a joke about a rape whistle which is actually pretty funny. She tells Sean they are going to get married. He is terrified. He has never been more scared in his life. But somehow manages to still be super charming. For being simple, he sure knows his way through an awkward conversation.

There is already a woman who can’t handle “the process”, as they refer to a “TELEVISION COMPETITION FOR LOVE” on this show. She is a weepy mess and just keeps crying because she doesn’t understand how to compete for a man.

Sarah also feels self-conscious about fighting for Sean’s attention. She’s worried what he might assume about her having one arm. Totally unrelated to her completely valid sentiment, is that they shoot her from some bizarrely terrible angle such that her face looks bloated and fat. It is not bloated and fat in the least bit. This girl is tiny, but the angle they have on her makes her look like a big old fat neck. It’s weird.

They end up talking and she addressed the elephant in the room. Sean likes her! They hit it off, and I enjoy her. I would enjoy her even if she was a real big old fat neck and not a pretend one.

I’ve noticed that the girls have all busted out their finest cross and icthus jewelry so Sean is sure to know they deeply share his faith in God. I’m weirded out by this flaunting of religion as a turn-on or a good “strategy”.

At the start of the rose ceremony, twelve women already have roses. So there are only seven roses remaining. Wait…seven? SEVEN?! That is insane. Normally they cut right to 15 people but 19?! Oh we are gonna drag this crap out, aren’t we ABC?

So to save confusion, I’ll just tell you who’s going home, as you have no idea who anyone is yet:  Italian Lauren, Lace laden Lacey, 2000 miles Kariann, Bachelor Pad Paige, Kelly the Cruise Ship Entertainer, Ashley the Denver model, and Ashley Shades of Grey.

Yes, that means Kacie B is safe, yes that means Wedding Dress is safe, and yes, Fifty Shades of Cray is going back to Michigan where she will hopefully stay and not spread her madness outside the realms of the Mitten state.

Tune in next week for more madness as Sean departs full throttle on his quest to find love! Drama, emotions, cat fights, shots of Sean’s chiseled physique, and ugly cocktail dresses all await!  See you on the other side, journeyers.