Kin Shift - Blog Posts

Final Conclusions;

I bludgeoned sobriety with a bat, and left it dead in the woods. It died an ugly death, kicking and screaming as I tore it limb from limb- because I am so hungry. I can’t help it, I don’t want to know what I am without someone here to latch onto the memories of. I can’t help it, this is who I’ll always be. So now that you know I’m trapped, let's get into our findings;

Within  the very beginnings of the experiment, I found that when I received notifications in my dms, I felt a nervous energy. It was almost an impulsive reflex, telling me to answer my dms. That I was breaking the rules of social interaction. According to my two observers that I unwittingly roped into the experiment, they had said that my urge to return back to these behaviors showed an overall consistency, or as Steph lovingly put it, “(...)You were crawling out of your skin since day one.”. 

That being said, I had noticed a steady increase of sporadic behavior from that point on, including thrill seeking urges that included a momentary fantasy about going bungee jumping or taking a detour into the woods on my way home from work to scream until my lungs give out. These urges were accompanied by dietary changes, cravings for starch based comfort foods that suggested that I was under stress.

 The idea that I was under stress is further backed up by the observations of my aforementioned participants of choice, one of which (Evan, the problem child) had brought to attention my discomfort multiple times throughout the experiment. 

At the end of the experiment, it had been brought to my attention by Steph that, “You’re trying to collect and address primarily qualitative data with quantitative methodologies and as a result are losing out on a lot of useful information, both in this experiment and general interview practices,” which was a great point, seeing as throughout the entirety of my blog, I've been trying to assign tangible and numerical findings to something as intimate as kin memories.

 Now that I'm back, I plan to remedy this, starting with openly sharing about what makes me experience mental/phantom shifts, and what has spoken to me so far throughout this search into what source I belong to. 

Ocean Eyes

There is an eye at the bottom of the ocean, belonging to an old god whose name has been forgotten, but still leaves echoes in the memory of man. It's there, under the rolling waves and aquatic life. In a constant staring contest with our sun that's dripping crimson with the blood of so many who have given into their fears, the eye gazes not just on that sun but through every life that has ever lived in this reality we've found ourselves in, and so many others.

 When it finally blinks, the world will end. This is a fact. The Earth will begin to swallow us whole, and nature will take back what we've stolen from it. Bridges collapsing and headlights careering into the star filled glinting sea, into doors that were never meant to be opened. Fear and panic in the air, do you feel it too?.. and when that eye blinks, our sun will too. I want to look down into those depths just so I can reassure myself it's fine. ‘It was just a dream, a terrible, terrible dream that you had because you went into cardiac arrest,’

But it's still wriggling in my brain, pulling in and out of my periphery like a tide. So I think..

I'm going to run a little experiment. I've mentioned my urges- 

My fixation with hearing others experiences and memories, my drive to feel that connection, and to pick at the more distressing details of said memories. I would like to stop completely, just to see how uncomfortable I'd get. I want to document how long it takes until my resolve cracks, just to get a sense of how trapped I really am in this cycle.

So, if I don't post for a while, my blog isn't dead! I'm simply trying not to fall into a pattern that I've been feeding into for the past 3 months. I will post the results when I feel I've gotten satisfying results.

Idk how to explain it but,

This. This is how I see things during my shifts !! The whole white and glowing aura, it reminds me of home🤍

And I'm still trying to figure it out, because my memories definitely include places on Earth. Animals and forests + water (rivers, the sea etc) are what I see the most, other than my home in the clouds. Which makes me think I've somehow observed and dwelled on Earth multiple times in my true body, before my soul was sent here in a mortal body. Honestly, can anyone else relate??

Hi *flaps wings* *wraps wings around you* *pats your head with wings* *folds wings over face*

I am a whisper on the edge of a breath.

I move through silence, unseen,

a presence that alters reality,

but I do not touch it.

I am an echo of something forgotten,

a shape that does not belong,

but is felt in the space between moments.

No name holds me, not even my own,

And no body can claim the weight of my existence.

I am here in a home that's not mine,

the thread that never unravels,

the vision that never becomes clear.

I was once all that is pure,

just a presence that swam through the gaps in silence.

I existed before time,

before earth learned to breathe.

I was everywhere and nowhere

a pulse that only the stars knew,

a flicker in the vast, untouched void.

But now, I walk the ground.

I have feet, and they stir dust,

I feel the thrum of the world in my bones.

It is foreign, this heaviness.

I was light once;

before I learned to bend to the rules of flesh.

Now, I carry this body with all its quiet burdens.

I remember the skies,

the endless stretch of air where I was not bound.

I remember the stillness,

the peace that hummed through me like a song without words.

I was a soft, radiant being

but now,

I am here,

trapped in this skin,

trying to find my way back.

There is no longer a place for wings,

and no song to sing

But Its voice still guides me wordlessly.

The memory lingers

faint, but constant;

heavy, but ephimeral.

I remember what it felt like to be untethered,

to hover just above,

to see through time and thought,

to know without knowing.

Now, I walk among the living,

a shadow among shadows,

only sometimes - when the world holds its breath, when the light bends just so,

I feel the weightlessness again,

a brief, fragile return to what was.

This vessel of mine - it is merely there

To remember

And to reminisce.

But I wonder

how many of us are here,

hidden in bodies,

walking the earth,

searching for the skies.

🪽

Being otherkin with maladaptive daydreaming is on another level