Benedick: Well, if you're not at least a little bit gay for your friends, then what kind of friend are you?
Benedick: Hey Beatrice, can you give me the opposite of these words?
Benedick: Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down.
Beatrice: Never, Going, To, Give, You-
Beatrice: The fucking satisfaction.
Benedick, very tired: Can I sleep in your bed?
Beatrice: *half asleep* Benedick, this is a queen-sized bed. That means it’s for *gestures vaguely to themself* the Queen.
Benedick: *venting endlessly to Beatrice about their week*
Beatrice, every once in a while: *in a monotone* Wow, that is so wild.
Benedick: Beatrice, can I ask you a question?
Beatrice: You just did.
Benedick: Okay, can I ask you two questions?
Beatrice: You just did.
Benedick, frustrated: OKAY, CAN I ASK YOU FOUR QUESTIONS?!
Beatrice: You just did.
Benedick: When?!
Beatrice: Just now.
Beatrice, to Benedick: I'll be under the mistletoe when you start feeling desperate!
Benedick: Valentines Day? I'm ready. *Sprays an entire can of AXE body spray on themselves*
Benedick: Tommorrow's garbage day.
Beatrice: I can't believe they made a whole day dedicated to you.
Beatrice: I love the term 'partners'. Are we dating? Are we robbing a bank? Are we the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies and are members of an elite squad known as the special victims unit? Who knows.
Benedick: We have a problem.
Beatrice: No, YOU have a problem. I have an idiot who keeps making them.
Benedick: So... what would you do if you were in bed with me?
Beatrice: Depends. Is your bed comfortable?
Benedick: Yes.
Beatrice: I'd sleep.
Benedick: I left instructions for everyone while I'm gone.
Beatrice: Mine just says "Beatrice no."
Benedick: I want you to apply it to every possible situation.
Beatrice: I want to kiss you.
Benedick, not paying attention: What?
Beatrice: I said if you die, I wont miss you.
Beatrice: A fistfight CAN be romantic.
Beatrice: I've met a lot of pricks in my time, but you, Benedick, are a fucking cactus.
Benedick: You know, when I first met you I thought you were a real bitch.
Beatrice: What changed your mind?
Benedick: Oh, I still think you're a bitch. I've just grown to like that about you.
Benedick: I’m in love with you.
Beatrice: We called off the prank war last night at midnight, dork.
Benedick: I know.
Beatrice: Ah. Okay. Um. Cool. Neat. Very cool. Cool. Cool. Coolcoolcool-
Benedick: Even Beatrice and I have been getting closer. The other day, they gave me half of their sandwich.
Beatrice: I mistook them for a garbage can.
Leonato/Don Pedro: Woah dude, premarital handholding? That’s just not cool or groovy.
Beatrice : Of course I have a lot of pent-up rage, you fool! I've been the same height since I was twelve!
Beatrice/ Benedick: Not to be nsfw but I want someone to hold me while I sleep.
Beatrice : If karma doesn't hit you, I fucking will.
Don John: If I can't cause tiny bits of chaos every day, I think my body will shut down.
Beatrice : I love sarcasm! It’s like punching people in the face, but with words!
Benedick : My heart is guarded but like… very poorly. The kind of guards that would let 3 kids in a trench coat into an R rated movie.
Beatrice : I'm not funny, I'm just really mean and people think I'm joking.
Benedick , at Hero’s funeral: I need a moment with them.
Everyone: Of course. *They leave*
Benedick , leaning over Hero′s coffin: Okay, listen here you little shit. I know you’re not dead.
Hero : Yeah, no shit.
Beatrice , to Benedick : How do you tell someone politely you want to hit them with a brick?
Beatrice : If I may interject...
Benedick : Oh, awesome, Beatrice was eavesdropping.
Benedick: Can I bother you for a second?
Beatrice: You're always bothering me, but go ahead.
Beatrice: Hey, Benedick? I need advice.
Benedick: I’m pretty useless at giving advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment instead?
Beatrice: My hands are cold.
Benedick: Here, let me hold them.
Beatrice: My lips are cold too.
Benedick: *covers Beatrice's mouth with their hand*
Benedick: Beatrice, I screwed up, big time.
Beatrice: Benedick, given your daily life experiences, you’re gonna have to be more specific.
*
Benedick: I can't take this anymore, someone needs to take me out!
Beatrice: In a dating type of way, or an assassination type of way?
Benedick: I don't know, surprise me!
*
Beatrice: I’m proud to identify as morosexual. I’m attracted to dumbasses and dumbasses exclusively. Someone asked me what the Spanish word for "tortilla" was once, and now I dream of kissing them under the moonlight.
Benedick: What kind of animal is the Pink Panther?
Beatrice, already taking off their clothes: God, Benedick, you’re so fucking stupid.
*
Beatrice: Valentine’s day is just a consumerist holiday that holds no real value other than drive people insane buying heart shaped chocolates for their significant others and pos-
Benedick: I wrote you a poem.
Beatrice, already crying: You did?
*
Benedick: Hey, random question, what are your favorite flowers?
Beatrice: Peonies, why?
Benedick:
Beatrice: Were you going to get me flowers?
Benedick:
Beatrice:
Benedick: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵃ ᵖᵒˢˢᶦᵇᶦˡᶦᵗʸ
*
Benedick: Strawberry milk doesn’t taste like strawberry OR milk.
Beatrice: Go the fuck to sleep Benedick.
*
Beatrice: You’re overthinking this.
Benedick: You don’t know the appropriate level of thinking, Beatrice. What if I’m underthinking?
*
Benedick: I have a problem.
Beatrice: Kill it.
Benedick: Can you chill for like, two seconds?
*
Benedick: Anyone down to take couples counseling and see at what point the therapist realizes we barely know each other?
Beatrice: Idiots to lovers, 20k words, angst with a happy ending.
*
Beatrice, laying in bed: Get out of my room.
Benedick, standing just outside of the door frame: I’m not in your room.
*
Beatrice, ordering Starbucks: Hey, I just got my heart broken, what do you recommend?
Benedick, who’s running the drive thru: …
Benedick: Tequila.
*
Beatrice: I don't know how to tell you this, but... I love you.
Benedick: That's great, Beatrice. Especially considering the fact we've been married for 6 fucking years.
*
Beatrice: *standing on a balcony and sneezes*
Benedick: *standing on the roof* Bless you.
Beatrice: God?!
*
Benedick: Do we have any orange juice left?
Beatrice: *pours the remaining juice into their cup*
Beatrice: Sorry, we’re all out.
*
Benedick: Am I right, Beatrice?
Beatrice: I’m almost certain you’re not, but to be fair, I wasn’t listening.
*
Benedick: Hey, Beatrice. What kind of flowers do you prefer?
Beatrice: I like sunflowers.
Benedick, pulling out a bouquet of Venus Flytraps: Well, shit-
*
Benedick: Go fuck yourself.
Beatrice: Come over here and fuck me yourself you coward!
*
Beatrice: Don’t weep for the stupid. You’ll be crying all day.
*
Benedick: Capitalizing every word in a sentence is vomit inducing.
Beatrice: Enjoy Your Trip To Puke Land, Boy!
*
Beatrice: Benedick, can I ask you a question?
Benedick: Sure, anything.
Beatrice: Why don't you go back to your own house and leave us alone?