Mania - Blog Posts

I bought an over priced toy that I had to open. (Not because I wanted to, but because the box is closed of and I wanted to see my toy)

Marvel Legends Space Knight Venom and Mania 2 pack.

I’m not a big Venom fan, But I will buy any Marvel merch based on the comics, in high hopes that they quit beating the dead horse that is the MCU.

I do actually like the initiative to cut down on plastics, and it makes the packaging fell like older collectibles from way back in the day.

But, Man! I miss the window that shows the figures off.

Look at these sculpts!

They even come with little ghost costumes!

Venom ripped his…

I love them, and hopefully buying more crap like this will force Marvel’s hand to make a figure of Itsy Bitsy.

(A man can dream)

I don’t always throw money away, but when I do, it’s $60 bucks on Venom toys, I don’t even like Venom, but I LOVE these Venom… venoms? What is the plural for Venom???

My core self was quiet because I was told to be. And hence, this. Sigh. So many to blame but a lot to remedy. First, the need of the hour: removing triggers of all my illnesses. Let's get to that, yes.

Too many insights. Too many realizations. Long way to go. Sit tight. 🫠

✨️finally gone manic after being unable to want to breathe for years ✨️

"You are the Sun and I am just the planets spinning around you"

"The last of the real ones- Fall Out Boy"

are you deranged like me?

💯✨

The Prequel

"Welcome to my sweet upside down world."

In 2013 I wrote my first blog piece. I had (have?) zero followers, I rarely posted — at one point it was 2 years between, and yet I still held on to this need to write. "Someone, somewhere wants to hear my story."

Today I’m sitting on my front porch, it’s an unusually warm October day, contemplating things that two decades ago I never thought would be in my brain — Why is my wife upset with me? When do we have to leave for our trans son’s LGBTQ group meeting? Are we taking the dog with us? What will this drive look like next week after the 2024 election?

I'm writing again, today, because aforementioned Wife (THE bestest wife everrrrr) has asked me to take time to focus on my writing - for the first time ever. My goal - share my life. Lots of people - when I share my story/ies - find it interesting. I often think it's quite ... normal? Is that the word? Maybe. If nothing else I feel like I can keep the attention of most people when I share. We shall see. I'm not sure what order makes the most sense, but I have lots of stories to tell, and I am confident they will make their way here.

Shall we?

-Yes, let's.

First blog post - May 14th, 2013:

There is a saying in yoga practice when doing inversion asanas (upside down poses):  inversions help you to see your world upside down in practice so you know how to deal better with upside down moments in life.

Let’s just say that I’ve been doing a lot of inversions lately.

Hello, I am the self-titled Bipolar Baker… And welcome to my sweet upside down word.

I was only recently diagnosed, as of May 9th, 2013… Not even a week now.  And yet, it feels like I have lived with this disease all my life.  I’m already comfortable with its company.  My official diagnosis is Bipolar I, rapid cycling, with mixed mania, and Anxiety Disorder.  Sounds like fun, right?  Actually, it is quite fun… 

When I’m in my mania, I am a hoot!  I am the social butterfly, the Carrie In The City, the best friend you just met.  I am super over productive: writing a 1,450 word paper for school in three hours — in APA format, with citations and five references, without an outline. I am the baker baking forty-eight  cupcakes from scratch, with homemade raspberry soufflé icing, individually wrapped in lace and prepped for the bridal shower that is less than ten hours away, which I then co-host with flair (constantly having to remind myself, of course, that I am NOT the center of attention for the next two hours).  I am the organizer of clothes into rainbow rows, by type, from left to right, separated by specific hangers into three sections — pants, tops, and dresses/skirts, even coordinating my underthings in their drawers by color.

Color rules my world most days.  I get caught up in feeling the deep, cellular green of the late spring leaves inside my head.  I watch the wispy feather white clouds drift in slow motion across the infinite Carolina blue sky.  I study the amber and coal and hematite hairs on my dog’s coat as he lays beside me, head on my thigh.  I see colors as moods, and as auras.  It is my gift and my burden as an empath, only adding to the complexity of my mind.  In my mania I see starbursts of yellow and honey gold following little children, chasing their worries away…  

Luckily, the downs don’t stay as long.  “The Crash” I have named it. The free fall after the mania.  It is quick and steady: a ride down the steep side of the roller coaster, G-forces pulling at my heart, then a quick upturn to baseline, stomach churning, to wait for another incline, steady again climbing up up up.  On grey days baking and my yoga pull me up.  I have never found baking difficult, which is how I know it is my “out” when I have crashed.  It is the one sweet thing where I can lose my mind, both figuratively and literally.  My yoga practice I revel in: morning yoga to invigorate, day yoga to stay motivated, evening yoga to be thoughtful, and night yoga to burn off the stored energy from the day.    Usually the night yoga involves the inversions — head stands, bridge pose, arm stands, wheel pose…  Feet high above my heart to remind me: be grounded in the air, let that which is real rise above your wounded heart, and let your heart rise above your head. 

Again, this is simply the walkway, the entry to my world.  I hope you can join me for a few trips, or maybe just one spin...  Either way, I hope it's a sweet ride.

#Bipolar #anxiety #mania #rapid cycle #writer #wlw #lgbtq

I hope my daughter someday appreciates this rainbow in her closet, and doesn’t loathe me for it…

This is called "word vomit."

I swear I had a draft from last week somewhere… Dammed if I cannot find it.

Oh we’ll. I’m not there anymore anyway, so no sense in trying to back track to then. I’m pretty sure I’m on the way down. I am home, alone, and have managed to eat four bowls of cereal (which promptly was eliminated back into the sewer… TMI sorry).

I had an awesome Friday therapy, had a nice but cold afternoon at the farmers market, Saturday morning was an okay yoga- I felt distracted but couldn’t put my finger on why. Went for an almond joy mocha at the square. Went to a consignment shop- bought a $3 necklace. That afternoon I was happy to entertain myself by working on my husbands car (side note- I’m a closet gear head). We worked on that for so long that it got too dark to work anymore and thunderstorms rolled in while we were cleaning up… Kinda romantic, caught in the rain with him… And then there was Sunday.

I was completely Up allllllll morning. I had managed to wash, cut, prep, store and set up a snack tray with all the market Fruits and vegis. I cleaned and prepped and set up a whole chicken in the crock pot (seriously thinking of going back to vegetarian after that… Ew ew ew.). I scrubbed out the fridge, rearranged all the food to fit in there, did the dishes. And then realized it wasn’t even noon yet. Managed to then prep a bunch of stuff out of my clothes for consignment (my new excuse for purging and rearranging my closet…). And then… … … The kid started to get neeeeeeeeeeeedy. My pet peeve. And when I am Up, it’s annoyance is even worse… Poor kiddo. I know it’s not her fault. It makes me grouchy and irritated… And I shouldn’t be. I should be patient. I used to be. I used to work with dozens of kids everyday, all day… Now I can barely tolerate my own child for a short period of time.

To remedy this, I went to the grocery store. Stay with me on this one. We needed milk, and chocolate milk, and I had a coupon for a free fro-yo and a $1 off my entire purchase, all expiring Sunday. And… Here’s the best part— they have FREE babysitting there. Hallelujah. Two birds- meet one stone. I dropped her off, took my walkie talkie and wandered the aisles for a good forty five minutes. And yes, I bought more than I was going to… But I needed the break. Thirty dollars later, I am a pleasant Mommee again, and excited to see the kiddo. I tease her to guess the frozen goodies I have bought. I treat her to not one, but two quarter gumball treats (she picks a bouncy ball and a ring- good girl). We skip out to the car, sing BINGO at the top of our lungs on the way home… All is right again with the world. I even fall asleep by her side after our nightly ritual of bedtime songs…

And Monday. Monday starts UP, with two capital letters. It is Memorial Day, we have a picnic, at one. I am up at 6:15. I feel like I need to take something, as a good guest I should bring food… Cupcakes are already being made by an aunt… I scour my online hoarding site - which shall remain nameless but rhymes with sin terrist… I find two recipes… I leave my awake little one with my still unconscious husband and again, head to the store — this time I get out with only $12 of exactly what I needed. I proceed to make over fifty strawberry-short-stacks and banana-splits on a stick…. Pics to come. All before we leave at 1230. Yeah. UP. When there, I chat nicely- not abiding to the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, skirting around the work questions, the how are you’s and the quizzical looks when I pause, mid-sentence to try to remember what I was just saying. Eventually, I fall into a good stride of —“shhhh…. Wait…. Listen to her talk…. Nod…. Wait…. Ask a question… Listen…. Don’t talk over her… Wait….” And repeat ad nauseam… I carry a beer, pour out a few micro inches each time I walk around the side of the house when no one is following me. It is a brilliant cover. This is tedious work I find. Pretending.

It must have gotten into my psyche. That night I sleep like a brick- so hard that my husband doesn’t even wake me at 615, or 700… He leaves at 745 and kisses me “it’s almost eight, just so you know…” His sweet way of saying get your ass outta bed… We are now late. After falling up the stairs, I slept on my right wrist wrong overnight, it throbs. Wearing my brace now we are even more disadvantaged to get to school and therapy on time. She is one hour late, “Class Junior Kindergarten- time 902- reason - just late.” I am only a half hour late to therapy today… I can already feel the need to slink in, under the radar, to ready myself for the inevitable “your turn”… I’m just not feelin it today.

And somewhere, sitting in there, listening to another person whine (my apologies, it is no one I know in the Real World and will certainly not invite to read this blog…)… Her depression is contagious. The day floats away. Apparently I called my mother, told her to pick up the kiddo today… I meant tomorrow. My mother in law calls, twice, then texts “I am here to get the kiddo, your mom already did” … My irritation is here again. I text a brief I WILL GET HER without care for hurt feelings. Then… I cry. Short, small, hot tears, but not chest heaving, sobbing. Just cry. And I feel like I need a nap, but I’m too irritated to sleep…how is that even possible? I try to read my Bipolar book… It irritates me. My stomach is irritated too, oh hooray. What is this feeling? Is is the Crash? No, not really. The Crash makes me thoughtless, motionless, powerless. Here, I am still creative, wanting to write more of my word vomit- the words that come to me in waves, unfiltered, almost regurgitated onto page. I am still thinking of things I should be doing, still understanding that I have to keep my nice clothes on to play the Good Mommee to go get my kiddo. This is not the Crash… it may be a Down. Apparently, there is such a thing, halfway between Up and Crash. Is this a sign that the medication is actually working? Or that it is not? I can’t read my book to know to find out… Right now, I am still irritated. Later, I will go to get the kiddo… Now… I will just write…

Welcome to my sweet upside down world

There is a saying in yoga practice when doing inversion asanas (upside down poses): inversions help you to see your world upside down in practice so you know how to deal better with upside down moments in life.

Let’s just say that I’ve been doing a lot of inversions lately.

Hello, I am the self-titled Bipolar Baker… And welcome to my sweet upside down word.

I was only recently diagnosed, as of May 9th, 2013… Not even a week now. And yet, it feels like I have lived with this disease all my life. I’m already comfortable with its company. My official diagnosis is Bipolar I, rapid cycling, with mixed mania, and Anxiety Disorder. Sounds like fun, right? Actually, it is quite fun…

When I’m in my mania, I am a hoot! I am the social butterfly, the Carrie in the city, the instant best friend you just met. I am super over productive: writing a 1,450 word paper for school in three hours- in APA format, with citations and five references, without an outline; baking 48 cupcakes from scratch, with homemade raspberry soufflé icing, individually wrapped in lace and prepped for the bridal shower that is less than ten hours away which I then co-host with flair (constantly having to remind myself, of course, that I am NOT the center of attention for the next two hours… A difficult feat for me). I am the organizer of clothes into color coordinated rows by type from left to right, separated by specific hangers into three sections- pants, tops, and dresses/skirts, even coordinating my underthings in their drawers by color.

Color rules my world most days. I get caught up in feeling the deep, cellular green of the late spring-leaves inside my head. I watch the wispy feather white clouds drift in slow motion across the infinite Carolina blue sky. I study the amber and coal and hematite hairs on my dog’s coat as he lays beside me, head on my thigh. I see colors as moods, and as auras. It is my gift and my burden as an empath, only adding to the complexity of my mind. In my mania I see starbursts of yellow and honey gold following little children, chasing their worries away… Luckily, the downs don’t stay as long… “The Crash” I have named it… The free fall after the mania. It is quick and steady: a ride down the steep side of the roller coaster, G-forces pulling at my heart, then a quick upturn to baseline, stomach churning, to wait for another incline, steady again climbing up up up. On grey days baking and my yoga pull me up. I have never found baking difficult, which is how I know it is my “out” when I have crashed. It is the one sweet thing I can lose my mind in, both figuratively and literally. My yoga practice I revel in… Morning yoga to invigorate, day yoga to stay motivated, evening yoga to be thoughtful, and night yoga to burn off the stored energy that wasn’t released in the day. Usually the night yoga involves the inversions- head stands, bridge pose, arm stands, wheel pose… Feet high above my heart to remind me: be grounded in the air, let that which is real rise above your wounded heart, and let your heart rise above your head.

Again, this is simply the walkway, the entry to my world. I hope you can join me for a few, or maybe just one spin... Either way, I hope it's a sweet ride.

Here is a fun purple folie wallpaper that i just edited

personally i have a really hard time choosing between the folie and mania aesthetic so this is my remedy :D

crazy how sometimes u dance alone to your favorite song in your bedroom and you are like oh yeah thats why im alive

2 Siblings One Disease

My little brother and I have both, at different times and for different breakdowns, been diagnosed with manic depression.

There are many different types of manic depression, and like most of the mental health diagnoses you hear about often/are sensationalized by the media, the crossover for diagnostics can be huge.

I went home to visit my mom briefly last week, and out of the blue, she turns to me and asks, “Do you think your brother has autism?”

And I felt myself dissociate almost instantly, because I’d wondered the same thing about myself many times, and here my mother was, casually asking the same thing of my brother.

My brother’s been in and out of serious trouble his whole life - terrible movie about mental health type trouble - like drugs, gang activity, shoot-outs, the law. I, on the other hand, hold a high-level management job at just 24. Though my outbursts are certainly significant, they occur in containment. There’s only two and a half years between us, but at times that feels like an ocean.

He’s moved across the country now, and we hardly talk. And I can’t help but be jealous. For me, being “bipolar” is a trap both mentally and physically; I’m tethered to my disease in my mind and tethered to the burden of my Normal Face in the real world, both of which have kept me from doing what I want in my life.

In other ways, I’m grateful that I was able to keep my disease from multiplying into thousands of demons, millions of extra pounds to carry around as his did. 

This took me ages but I love fall out boy as much as they love Chicago-- I'm also super obsessed with Lake Effect Kid. I'm really dreaming/hoping they get to see this. Fingers crossed 🤞🏻 help me maybe? @falloutboy @ahomeboyslife

I was tagged by @draculya on this Playlist Tag. It's about setting your music library on shuffle and answering with the first 10 songs that pop up. I decided to make it a 10 day challenge and use it as an exercise to practice my lettering-- I would very much like @unicornempire to join me on this challenge if you're able to! So yeah, I'm not surprised "Stay Frosty Royal Milk Tea" was the first one to pop up since I'm obsessed with M A N I A since friday 💜

My husband is ill and there's nothing more I can do for him, so my mania is taking over. I've done the quiet clean ups and retried making banana nut bread with this recipe. The first time I made it I had a dumb and forgot flour... you know, the main ingredient in bread. I need more hobbies that keep my hands busy because when I run out of chores, my manic episode worsens, and I feel as though I want to crawl out of my skin and scream.

Bipolar really is something.

Turkish mania with English subtitles😄Türkçe mani ingilizce alt yazılı offical video🤣🤣🤣🤣

Someone hit Fall Out Boy upnfor the M A N I A llama’s

Look, the only live action Disney remake I want is the Emperor’s New Groove and I want there to be no CGI, I want Kuzco to be played by two actors in a cheap llama costume

✨️CATATONIC ✨️

I don't want to write about how i feel

bc I feel like shit

& im so fucking sick of it

it's like every day it's the same damn tricks

she's manic again it never quits

the grey mush is spreading nice

all around the brain twice

maybe if they feed it, that will be suffice

pain oozing, it's been sliced

we're at this point, the point we hate

where now our mental state

is up for debate

as if our fate won't devastate

oh for god fucking sake

please let this feeling go away

I'm finished now I don't want to play

if it must, it can stay

to keep the monsters at bay

we can't afford for them to come out and pray

is it my density to be this mad

is this hell or wonderland

why is everything so brightly colored

why is every noise muffled

I look in the mirror, oh no who's this

it looks like someone different

someone familiar but not quite right

you're hiding out in plain sight

that's you that's you that's you, you scream

the mirrored image is baffling

that's not me

oh wait, I see

my reflection, how could this be

change something immediately

work tediously

so they don't see

how you're bursting out through every seam

hurry now, they're so mean

they'll never understand defeat

sinking you within concrete

do whatever you can to avoid the carnival

it doesn't matter how loud you shout

once you're in you'll never get out

Turkish mania with English subtitles😄Türkçe mani ingilizce alt yazılı offical video🤣🤣🤣🤣