Openseanft - Blog Posts
crystalbrain-web spider 1/1 NFT on OpenSea
ok so this is some real motherfucking shit dropped down from god's asshole like an asteroid of feces.
it says "web" and it could be construed as a web, i guess. but its motherfuckin' got a spideer on it! yes, spideers are par for the course for crack-smoking interdimensional reaganites. i mean every time we'd see one at the white house reagan would push a button and dudes would come up with these fuckin hoses full of bug killer yeah? and then we'd get to see a spideer die a horrible death. whut are my cocksucking, cunt-kicking thoughts on green spiders? i say those motherfuckers are radioactive and i don't want them uraniuming up my shit, capeche? even if u bring in some plutonium-proof suit or some shit near me just keep the motherfuckin green spider away from me, do u understand?
i haven't even addressed the question of "why" there's a green spideer there, what the punctuation marks are doing on it, and what the fuck the point of this all is. i guess the point is that green spideers are kind of like pop culture, and they can grow on u liek a cancerous tumor. see we get in ur head with pop culture, we're not jacking off or joking that we've got lotsa shit we need to control ur minds with, and that's our green spidierman. peter farker, spidier man.
see, back in the the 1980s we had a bunch of shit we could use to get people to be cool with us doing things. we had tv, radio, the music industry, the media. they pumped out this notion of some super-dude called a superman or some shit and it was cool like a college campus in antarctica. but then some people didn't liek this superman, and that is what we need teh motherfucking green spidiers for: to hunt these people down and turn them into peter farkers to our cause of money-making.
crystalbrain-dan quayle, savior of democracy 1/1 NFT on opensea
say what u want about dan quayle, he didn't get shot by jim jones and he didn't smoke our crack cocaine either. yeah, this guy believed our bullshit. i mean, he would be liek "no, no i don't want to cheat on my wife" but reagan and bush and I would insist, saying stuff like "well, this cock ain't gonna suck itself" 2 him and i guess he'd reluctantly comply. he was a real boy scout, and belieeve me, teh boy scouts are no strangers 2 sodomy. but this guy, we couldn't believe it, after bush would pull his dick out of his ass quayle would feel guilty about cheating on his wife, so we mostly kinda kept him away from teh dark shit we were doin', liek filling heaven with crack cocaine. yeah, he was a real moral kinda guy but he wanted that power, u know, 2 be a great leader and all that…fuck that, we were just about the money, crack cocaine, and hardcore, man-on-man anal sex.
but it turns out dat this guy coulda saved the illusion of democracy in america. yeah, i know, what the fuck are you talking about? i mean we ran the show with our three letter agencies, but this guy wanted ppl 2 be elected fair and square, so when that ass-clown donald trump had his brigade of neckbeard horse-porn masturbators march on teh capitol, vice president mike pence was supposed officially say that teh president was joe biden, and donald trump was reeeeally gonna throw him under the bus for that shit, becuz even tho it was teh democrats turn to unfuck things up that we'd fucked up, quayle was at teh certification during teh capitol riot and told mike pence 2 suck it up and say that joe biden was president.
so this guy, this fuckin boy scout, is one of the reasons u don't have trump as a dick-tater. so u have to give him credit for that.
crystalbrain-freedom 666 NFT 1/1 on opensea
ok, so the fuckin thing about this is that america gives liberty to do shit. liek, i know that we manipulate teh fuck out of people and do all kinds of bad shit to ourselves and other people, and we liek, committed genocide and stole the whole fuckin country, but there's liek this other side to stuff, liek about freedom and human rights. r we embarassingly full of shit? yes! but u can have whatever religion u want, u can be a christian, a muslim, some kind of weird witch, or just a hindu or an esoteric weirdo, its all allowed even if ppl will give u shit, which they're allowed 2 bcuz of freedom of speech. u can say all kinds of nice stuff, or not so nice stuff, but lately, some motherfuckers want 2 change all this shit, they want 2 force their shit down ppls throats, and that ain't happenin'.
the statue of liberty or somethin is a symbol of liek immigrants coming in 2 get harassed by cops in cities but its also a symbol of the good shit about america, before we blew it by trying 2 force our beliefs down each other's asses. there was a time not 2 long ago where u could be liek…hey, abortion? cool! sodomy? cool! and people would call u a bitch or gay or whatever, but at least u could get an abortion or not worry about some dickhead with insecurity in their masculininity fuckin shooting up teh place where u hang out. i mean, yes, america is totally full of shit, but i'd take the chance 2 say the good stuff about it, liek about how we can say shit, and maybe the government will bust u on drug charges even though i smoked crack with ronald mcreagan, but its mostly ok, u can say shit without getting thrown in a gulag.
so anyways, i usually talk about smoking crack with bush or how we smuggled oil in the caskets of dead soldiers or somethin but this time i just want 2 say: if u want to say "fuck u" to conservative values, u have the right 2, even if they try 2 turn u into a homeless crackhead. so inverted crosses r ok, havin the number of the beast is ok, it's freedom 666, u can be a weird edgelord dude or whatever and the cops won't arrest u although u might get watched bcuz of people eroding the right 2 be an asshole.
https://undefinedlabelnoise.com
crystalbrain-aids 666 1/1 NFT opensea.io
ok, so wait a minute. hold the motherfuckin phone 4 a minute, just chill. this is some grade A, serious, government inspected shit. and that's this motherfuckin idea that u create ur own reality, and i have to say that even crystalbrain is smart enough to know that in the 1980s, the 1990s, the 2000s, and shit liek that, this meant u CREATE UR OWN AIDS. becuz lets put our stinking thinking caps on 4 a second. what is the first thing, after u've smoked a big rock of crack cocaine and ur really confident as fuck and u swallowed some new age shit about creating ur own reality, what is teh first thing ur going 2 do? ur going to stick ur dick into some orifice without a condom on. and unfortunately my friends, even with super ultra multiverse interdimensional powers, i'm not gonna stop u from gettin' HIV INFECTED if u do this.
one point of contention i had with reagan is that he thought it was cool 4 ppl 2 get AIDS, and as i smoked huge rocks of crack with him i sort of had a debate with him, a real heart-2-heart, and he was of teh opinion that the solution 2 overpopulation was 2 just not give a fuck about AIDS. and me, i thought about this and decided that even for me, this point of view was 2 fucked up and i just sorta looked at my lighter and said "let's talk about somethin else" with reagan as he fondled my balls. and so i just took probably the biggest hit of crack of my life becuz i just wanted 2 cry 4 teh fact that u couldn't have unprotected sex with ppl anymore without risking getting ur ass killed by this AIDS bullshit.
now this picture, i know what ur thinking…its evocative of some serious shit, liek a metaphysical conspiracy, but that's what this shit really was. i mean the metaphysics were bullshiet but that's the point, u believe in bullshit, and these beliefs are problematic as fuck becuz they can get u AIDS. so maybe just have a moment of silence with urself, just put teh crackpipe down and decide which side ur on: do u want ppl 2 get AIDS, or do u think that's fucked up? becuz with reagan, even though he was my crack-smoking buddy and bought me cool things liek a japanese famicom tv by sharp, i decided i was on teh side that said gettin AIDS is fucked up, and giving ppl AIDS through bullshitting them is fucked up too.
in teh picture there is a T-Cell, and u fuckin need these 2 survive i guess. but this occult bullshit, its liek upside down jesus, which is dumb right side up or upside down, but its got a inverse pentagram over it which signifies matter ruling over consciousness or 2 put it a different way: thinking with ur dick. anyways this is some seriously dark shit, so maek sure ur selective with who u do the nasty with.
crystalbrain-reagan of death NFT on opensea.io
ok, so liek the 1980s had this dude named reagan, my crack cocaine smokin buddy. and when we smoked crack, it was because we had an infinite supply of something called MONEY. yes, god himself gave us shitloads of cash, handing it out of a TV liek some kind of ghoul. so anyways, this NFT is a tribute to a few different things from teh 80s: JAPANESE appliances, RICH PEOPLE with money, CRACK COCAINE, and teh DEVIL. yes, there were many people afraid of teh devil so i added a little inverted pentagram liek from teh forehead of some baphomet drawn by eliphas levi or some shit, but there is a TEN HEADED REAGAN who is sodomizing himself with money, but you can't really tell from the image. yes, reagan would get into god's secret stash of cash with oral roberts and teh devil, and we'd roll around frollicking burning 100 dollar bills and smoking huge amounts of rock cocaine. yes, i said oral roberts, and he knew ALL ALONG that god wasn't going to kill him if he didn't raise $1 million, but he just wants some money to add 2 the pile so he could smoke ridiculous amounts of CRACK with us. it was truly a great time to be a rich guy being groomed by dudes spouting greek philosophy, bcuz they would give u piles of crack cocaine and cash to ur 10 year old ass or whatever, it was such a great, great tiem in history, installed so many dictators in third world countries, yes.
now as i was laying on a pile of cash being fellated by unspeakable demons i decided 2 play famicom (which is teh japanese nintendo, yes) on a special tv with a famicom on it, but then TEH DEVIL possesses teh TV just to mess with me, and then reagan gets up and fucks teh TV in the ass to create an alternate dimensional version of me, and we try to beat each other at a game called urban champion which is a fighting game that SUCKED bcuz street fighter II was still years away. but anyways, it was quite a trip…while we were rolling around in that pile of cash we got so much cocaine and devil sperm on dollar bills, which is why u will notice that dollar bills from the 1980s smelled liek COCAINE and SEMEN. i am beside myself with laughter, it was a great trip being teh personal fucktoy of the world's leaders, with oral roberts, pat robertson and the pope taking turns on my ass while various republican politicians and donald trump got teh other end.
anyways, this television is a tribute to REAGAN, CRACK, MONEY, AND POWER!!
crystalbrain-crack rock on a scale 1/1 NFT on opensea.io
ok, so teh thing about music is that crack rock doesn't get 2 much mention as far as i know. it's fucked u know, some drug that's this powerful, and it got liek no mention. when i was a little crystalbrain, everyone was smoking crack. liek teh news was always sayin "hey, there's all these ppl smokin crack"…of course they tried 2 paint it liek only black ppl smoked crack becuz this scares white ppl, but there were white ppl smokin crack 2, not teh least of which was ronald and nancy reagan whom i have shared many quarter rocks with. yeah, they had teh best microwave money could buy in teh white house, and that muthafuckah was so good at cookin' rock that when teh lighter hit teh crack it sounded liek a sparkler. yeah, i've mentioned teh legendary crack rock that george bush pulled out of that sonuvabitch, but what i want 2 talk 2 u about today is musicians and crack rock, and teh serious lack of songs about smoking cocaine in rock form when it was at its height. yeah, there's some stuff by nas, a few mentions here and there in music, but 4 somethin that was so important 2 teh history of teh world, u would think that there would be more that would be devoted 2 such a sacred rock. no, when someone talks about a rock on a song, its usually an engagement ring or somethin i guess, not a rock of cocaine. or maybe ROCK N ROLL, which is NOT about smoking rock cocaine and rolling on ecstacy, as disappoiointed as i was to find this out.
thats why i made this NFT: i wanted 2 show how crack rock could be musical. on this motherfucking NFT we have a musical scale, and its motherfuckin got a lot to say namely the words, "C R A C K" and "R O C K"…how do u play this on the piano? well see, u pick up ur crack pipe with a rock in it, get up on teh keys, and start dancin' around like a crazy dude while applyin' a flame to ur rock. there is some leftover devilry from when i was talking about the crown prince of saudi arabia and how he just doesn't seem to get crack smoking liek george bush or saddam hussein or something, and thinks he's some kind of cool machivellian edgelord…anyways, it left an impression on my mind, and so we have some COCAINE in an upside down five pointed star lol. is this proper? of course, there is no way that cocaine can be used that isn't proper: in the nose, in coca tea form, in a syringe, as freebase, as rock, in a damn enema, and any other motherfucking way u can think to use it. maybe as eardrops? eyedrops? the sky is the limit 2 this incredibly versatitile substance.
crystalbrain-crown prince mohammed bin salman in the cannabyss 1/1 NFT on opensea
ok, so this crown prince guy is similar to liek some dude in the west who got too involved in reading stupid satanic books and thinks he's some machivellian nietzschean superman but he can't match my powers cuz i destroyed heaven and hell and its all my show man. this guy smokes way too much pot, liek i shouldn't talk becuz half of my time is spent hitting teh crack rock but this dude thinks he's so fuckin edgy because he smokes so much weed. i was liek, "dude, ur teh crown prince, u need to smoke crack liek all teh other world leaders" and he just was liek "huh?" becuz he was so stoned. and i was liek "dude, ur not cool enough yet, here, hit this rock" and he got so cracked up and he was all paranoid from teh weed and coke mixing together and decided to attack yemen…and then he tried to think he was the ultimate edgelord becuz he'd smoked teh crack and he talked about his political manoovering and i'm liek "ok, we get it, ur an asshole, we all are dude, get over it"
i'm not sure what to think of this guy, he needs to grow teh fuck up and worship me, becuz i'm his interdimensional crack dealer who has liek a limitless supply of crack and a huge dong, and he's liek sitting on motherfucking mammoth amounts of oil so i know he can fuckin buy some from me. but then he won't pass teh pipe when u smoke with him, he tries to power trip and starts showing off by liek having a journalist executed blatantly and i'm liek "dude, u r such a fuckin dumbass, real men smoke crack, put that marijuana shit away, its makin u paranoid".
now teh thing about crack cocaine is that smokin a lot of it maeks u reallly paranoid but this guy just talks about how i'm his nietzschean superman when i fuck him in teh ass, as liek an excuse for his homosexuality that he barely conceals with his edgelord wars in yemen and syria. what a fuckin douche, i really hate this guy; i hope his ancestors come to him in a dream and castrate him and he wakes up with no balls, becuz it wouldn't make much difference, this guy already has no balls; he's just givin commands. he doesn't even liek bdsm himself, he just lieks a vanilla assfucking and that's just boring these days, i can't get these dictators to do anything original, it's all "oh, i'll tell my guys to go get these people" and then they give 'em liek a few blowjobs and a few envelopes of cash and boooooom they think they're so cool.
dickhead.
crystalbrain-circle of saddam NFT 1/1 on opensea
ok, so what u might not know about saddam hussein is that he really lieks his BDSM sex. liek, so much that he would totally do it involuntarily on people. i'll tell u somethin, smoking pipes of afghani opium and then hitting the crack pipe had a strange effect on saddam; he just sorta chilled out but became real detached about breaking peoples' ribs one at a time. i mean one time he had these dudes who were totally fucking sodomized with really sharp objekts, and i mean, do u really expect that guy to be able to shit after u shoved a cactus up the dude's ass? i mean come on, that's just fucked. but i mean, he lieked 2 torture ppl for fun, and since he was dictator he liek didn't need consent, he just had a bunch of dudes he randomly fucked in the ass secretly and they would round up ppl who were just tryin 2 mind their own business. then he'd offer them a crack rock and they would be too scared to turn it down; and so they'd be really high on crack while this dude is workin them over with all this medieval torture shit. he'd have his sons come over and we'd pass the pipe back and forth and take turns hitting dudes in the knees with a cricket bat. torture and crack cocaine really go well together; it's commonly known that crack makes u totally want 2 slowly kill a guy sometimes.
but dude, saddam had a total bottom side to himself, he was a switch, he'd be tied up with a ball gag and there was this special spot on his back he'd tell us to hit with teh blowtorch, and that was some grisly shit but he'd giggle liek a schoolgirl when u got it. he'd humiliate himself by watching the movie Hot Shots: Part Deux and then totally do the part where he puts his face on a bug zapper. in fact, they didn't do this in the movie but he put his penis on the bug zapper and he'd keep rubbing it against it until the flesh started melting off of it while we're hitting him on the back with a cat o' nine tails…dude was crazy. anyways, he was kind of a dangerous guy but i wasn't afraid of him, obviously he couldn't withstand my interdimensional superpowers. so anyways that's saddam, he liked his opium, his blunts with powdered freebase…he liked 2 kill the pain and then try 2 get the pain goin' as much as possible. dude never douched before we had our iraqi gay sex orgies tho.
crystalbrain-george dubya bush commemoration NFT 1/1 opensea.io
ok, so liek when it comes 2 cocaine, i think he kind of wussed out. yeah y'all probably heard the rumors that he'd do it and believe me there was a time or two when he'd snort it off of my gay ass crack, but really george dubya bush was more about the man on man anal sex and fellatio. he was kind of a partier and man he'd totally have all kinds of women pretendin 2 laugh at his jokes after he drank some beer or some shit, but he just could not get into the hardcore crack cocaine smokin' lifestyle that me and reagan and his dad were into. we'd microwave up an ounce into a bunch of rocks and he'd be liek "naahhh, do you got any powder left in teh bag", and then we'd make fun of him, liek i'd get up behind him and pull his pants down and we'd laugh at the size of his penis, which was kinda small. and don't get me started on saddam, when i'd be whipping saddam in my batman suit he'd be liek "omg u gotta do that to me" and i'd be thinking "this guy is such a bottom". anyways one time i was peeing on his face and i noticed that he'd actually left some blow on the table; liek he didn't even do cocaine even though it was there, which breaks the first rule of ruling this world, which is that u have 2 do as much cocaine as possible.
and don't get me started on this "compassionate conservatism" bullshit, we warned him that we gotta be ruthless, liek i'm talking full on "drop a bomb into your motherfucking house when your kids are home", machine gunnin motherfuckers with depleted uranium, cocaine smuggling, full on roman-style torturing shit is par for the course, u can't maek those motherfuckers think u REALLY believe in good and evil. its liek this guy knew he was bullshittin' but he still pretended liek he was a good person. liek, hello? no dude, do ur cocaine, execute ur criminals and shut the fuck up. he even called out saddam hussein 4 gassing his own people. liek ok dude, who is he gonna gas, himself? that shit's just whack. this guy i never lieked, he was just sooooo confused. liek he actually believed in morals or something secretly and he was just tryin 2 be a psychopath bcuz his mother had weak genes she gave him or some shit. what the fuck is wrong with u dubya? were u just in it for the gay sex and NOT teh drugs? i'd hate to think that about u but then again i never lieked u anyways.
crystalbrain-kim jong un toilet 1/1 NFT on opensea
ok. so i was in kim jong un's meth lab he uses to ship shit to the yakuza and dennis rodman shows up with like this military garb and he's liek asking kim jong un how he looks and shit. and i'm like, dude, ur in teh wrong place, ur out of ur league, if u get any farther into this shit even van damme isn't going 2 come save u from the can of stalinist whoop-ass that kim jong un is gonna unleash on u. anyways dennis rodman looks liek i hurt his feelings and so i fuckin get give him this bump of 100% pure crystal and he brightens up liek a christmas tree. anyways, i just sort of let him show all these basketball moves that kim jong un's generals pretend 2 be interested in, and then after kim jong un smokes a chunk of ice he's liek ranting and raving about how he's gonna send another bomb flying over japan……into the ocean, just to fuck with them. and he laughs and he gives me this look liek i'm expected to laugh, so i'm pretending to laugh and i can hear the basketball in the other room…it was some serious shit, man.
anyways i ask for some food and he's liek "hell naw, i gave u some meth u don't need 2 eat" liek i'm some kinda dude who just because he's just smoked meth in north korea with kim jong un doesn't need 2 eat. wtf man, i'm liek trying to think of a way 2 get out of there and i'm pissed so i used my telepathetic mind powers and take over kim jong un's mind. then i instruct him 2 put his head in teh toilet and i give him a swirly. his head is all wet and shit and i liek take his pants off and there's leik some serious gay sex going on when dennis rodman comes in teh room with his rod out and i'm liek "dude, can't u see i'm givin the old swirly screw to kim jong un" and he's liek "ok, ok whatever". anyways kim jong un drowned in teh toilet so that was a nuclear crisis averted but the yakuza were pissed becuz they didn't get their meth shipments. however one of kim jong un's body doubles just fuckin started pretendin' 2 be the dear leader again, and i'm liek, "fuck. my work is wasted." but i think this guy doesn't have what it takes 2 be kim jong un becuz he's not a preening sociopath and i think this woman who runs the secret police wants 2 kill him already. we'll see how it goes. anyways i have 2 swim across a river to get 2 china but since i have superpowers it was easy. i even caught a bullet in my teeth and spit it back at a border guard and he flew all the way from china 2 seoul, south korea and all the south koreans were liek "wtf is this dead dude doing here"?
anyways i get into china and i'm liek trying 2 diffuse military tensions between the US and china now, so wish me luck.
crystalbrain-george motherfucking bush 1/1 NFT
ok, so do you remember this dude, george h.w. bush?? he totally held up a bag of crack cocaine on TV and this was supposed to make us like afraid of black dudes all high on crack with guns and shit. like ok what the fuck ever, you certainly remember the big quarter-rock of crack you took out of the microwave and passed around with me and reagan, or are you so short on memory, maybe from smoking so much premium rock? like i totally remember we were standing inside that petroleum refinery when i was 11 and you just sort of fondled my ass and asked me with a sweet grin if i wanted to get really high. and i was like "what the fuck dude, there's oil everywhere, don't light that shit up in here, you'll burn the place down." and then you hit it anyways and reagan had to put out the fire with a garden hose that i thought looked like a snake because i was so high after you passed the rock to me. anyways, saddam fucked with your oil in kuwait and you got pissed off at him like some wrathful babylonian deity and i was like "just chill man, the dude just wants a port to ship his oil out of, just let it be or something."
but then i took another hit of crack and the thought of blowing the shit out of a foreign country sounded kind of cool in that cracked up kind of way we had with ourselves. do you want to know a secret? saddam and i were like BDSM buddies after the war ended; yeah, i took my 13 year old self over to iraq and we were like trying out new torture techniques on each other, it was really kind of fun. can you picture my 13 year old ass with a whip just givin it hard to saddam while chicks in harem pants stuffed grapes in his mouth and slapped him around with hot spatulas? because i never told you about that george, i never got a chance to. so while most people remember the US army giving it hard in the ass to saddam, i was the real deal, i actually raided his palace and we played hide-and-go-fuck-yourself with all kinds of cool mesopotamian torture devices. what the fuck do you think of that, huh? you never had so much fun.
crystalbrain changes his dumb ass over to opensea.io
ok, so crystalbrain is a dumbass of teh highest order, this has already been estabablished. BUT a smart move was to start selling his NFTs on opensea.io instead of a different place. check out these NFTs for sale (which have already been posted elsewhere, there are more 2 come in the future):
