Pluto Astrology - Blog Posts

Sagittarius Mars and Pluto conjunct in the 12th house

This is for the question @snooty2raw asked me in my "12th house astrology observations" post.

ALSO, THIS IS A LONG POST AHEAD!

First of all, I would like to start off by saying, Mars and Pluto, both being the original rulers of another very intense house, the 8th house, sitting in the 12th house is NOT for the weak.

Pluto and Mars when seated here makes an individual go through the most soul ripping experiences where the native can't really do anything to defend themselves and feels so powerless.

These individuals have a lot of unjustifiable actions taken towards them for no reason at all. In the sense, they face a lot of injustice in their lives.

Especially since both the planets are in conjunction, this further intensifies the placement. When the planet of deep soul transformation, power and death conjuncts with the planet of strength, ambition, drive, anger and action, this placement becomes one that is beyond intense. The native is undoubtedly strong, like stronger than anyone can imagine.

Imagine this:

In a battlefield, they get stabbed a thousand times (it's a big number but that's the number of times they get blows in life) and with swords still in their body, this person, with all the strength they have left, no matter how little, fight the enemy till their last dying breath.

These people face a lot of inner battles that no one knows about. These native's lives are like a literal battlefield. These people are often underestimated of their strength, will power and ability to go through tough times and tragic incidents.

This person's strength and power is unmatched but natives with this placement often keep so so much pain they feel hidden. They have also probably been insulted and ridiculed in the worst ways possible. They also are very much a puzzle piece that doesn't feel like they fit in their family or anywhere in general.

They are often used by others a lot and then unexpectedly left by them. These people have also been betrayed, manipulated, and degraded by others so much while growing up. These natives go through very intense spiritual awakenings where it feels like their soul internally died and a soul took rebirth in them while still alive.

These people also fall prey to energy vampires a lot who drain their energy without them even knowing. These natives are also quite paranoid because of past experiences. They are amazing online stalkers (online cuz that's where most things are hidden). They are like that one friend who helps you find the instagram account (or any online account really) of the guy you have/had a crush on, no matter how long ago it was.

I've also observed that these people like dark jokes and their sense of humor is quite twisted and weird (not harmful) but other 8th housers/scorpio placements and 12th housers/pisces placements would most likely match their vibe and sense of humor.

These people are deeply passionate and loving but these traits go highly unrecognised by others. It takes a long time for someone to understand how they actually are on a deeper level but most of the time due to this person's really high walls, they are not understood on a soul level. The high walls are built by them gradually due to hurtful experiences that only worsened their insecurities and pain.

Once these people actually open up to you on a soul level, you will actually understand how they are extremely fun to be around and that they have really beautiful souls. They are really really soft cookies on the inside while they portray an image of tough rocks on the outside.

People are really mean to them for absolutely no reason, they are people who just naturally trigger others. A lot of people are intimidated by their existence, this is actually for all 12th housers but it's even more intense with this placement.

People feel very inferior to them for no reason. It's like they are just themselves and are being as kind as possible but the other person just treats them like shit for no reason or speaks very rudely to them for no reason, even the native gets confused.

These natives are also very funny and their jokes can make anyone laugh but again people do not see this in them unless they are really close to them. These people feel very safe in their own space, with no one around...these people are also amazing detectives, like sherlock holmes and they even have an interest towards these kind of themes like mystery and unsolved crime.

These natives also have their knowledge very much underestimated by many which begins to make themselves underestimate it too. They often have people challenge their inner morals and fall prey to others making them feel ashamed of something. These natives are very knowledgeable and see the world in a higher perspective. They are very spiritually protected, guided and looked after.

These people are also born in families that are extremely protective of them or not protective at all (can depend on other placements).These people can have others look at them as insensitive people when they are nothing of that sort, it is really sad actually.

How misunderstood and unheard these people feel are just not it, they deserve so much more. These people are living samurais. These people also get very easily hurt but never open up about it easily and they never openly show it. They often overthink situations so so much and are always reading between the lines.

People can even term them as dramatic when they are only trying to express how they felt about a situation or how, the way a person treated them, left them feeling. These people have really powerful intuitions.

These natives also have so much of repressed or unexpressed anger. This anger pushes them forward in life to prove to those who degraded them (or continue to degrade them) that they are capable of anything, that they are capable of taking on anything that life throws at them.

They feel very judged and degraded by others, that's why they keep so much to themselves.These people are such beautiful people and they often go unrecognised for how far they've come in life.

You are the natives Bonnie Tyler was talking about in this song👇, the individuals this singer was searching for. This song is also like the background music of these natives lives (if they had a background song for their lives):

❤️ A heartfelt note:

To all those who have this placement, especially you @snooty2raw , yes, YOU. You are someone with a really huge heart and no matter how much you've been hurting in life, you choose to hurt alone than to inflict that pain in others.

You are someone who really wishes they were just understood for once and not have their deepest pain ignored by loved ones. You are a living inspiration for those who find it hard to fight their battles all alone, with no one by their side.

You are undoubtedly the most fun person for anyone to be around, so do not doubt that either. You deserve a huge hug for all your efforts and all your blood, sweat and tears for having come so far in life.

Do not ever speak bad about your inner strength because the samurai in you listens and is weakened by it. You are very strong, beyond your own imagination and even though no one around you recognises, the Universe applauds your valour and strength and hold you in very high regards. You my dear, are the definition of 'indestructible'.

By the way, most 12th housers can relate to some parts of this post as well because the 12th house is a house of deep pain and unrecognised parts of ourselves. So 12th house stellium natives can really feel this post as well. No matter what planets in the stellium is sitting here.

I hope whoever took their time to read this post felt it on a deep level. I will see you all in the next, and I hope all of you are having a great day.

Have a wonderful time ahead! Thankyou for taking your time to read this post!💖

hii, hope u are doing well🫶🏻 i was wondering if u could tell me about a couple placements i have in my solar return chart! i have pluto at 29 degrees in the first house in capricorn , and i also have an 8th house stellium (mars, venus, and mercury) . should i be scared😭😭😭

Hello! I'm doing great, hope you're doing good as well❤☀️ thankyou so much for your ask

I've just started getting good with reading solar return charts so please omit what doesn't sound similar to you💓

Pluto 29° in Capricorn, 1st house

8th house stellium(mars,venus,mercury)

Okay, lemme ask you a question first. Have you been serious about how you may appear physically, cause where capricorn is in your chart can tell you what you are more formal or serious about. And are you a capricorn/sagittarius/aquarius rising? If you are capricorn rising then your vibe emits a lot of formal energy, you look serious and very unapproachable to people this year. Also since your pluto is in the first house, there's a lot of transformation related to how you see yourself or how you're overall physical appearance. You can look really intense and mysterious to people. You have this dark intense gaze and you're energy holds power. I also feel like people find you very intimidating and dangerous this year. Your physical body can transform to this beauty that's striking and too much for people to handle(in a good way). This year pluto will transform your physical identity and your face and eyes mostly. Lots of intensity and sensuality in your appearance and gaze. You could catch a lot of attention this year, knowingly or unknowingly. Mostly unknowingly actually. Also you can attract a lot of jealousy and envy because of this. But don't worry, this is only because your transformations make the others jealous or bothered for no reason. Just do what you do, slay💅🏻🔥 also pluto being in the special degree 29° makes your pluto feel empowered. Your pluto is in power this year and will make you have hell lots of transformations. Bomb fire🔥💥 kind of transformations that'll make you a better person this year. Sudden transformations too! But don't worry cuz these transformations are gonna make you glow better and become a stronger person.

8th house stellium having mars,venus and mercury isn't bad actually. You don't have to be scared dear❤🫂💓. this house represents deep feelings and you might be knowing about the 8th house already lmao. The 8th house is nothing to be afraid of. All placements in our chart hold life lessons, that's all. Now let's go ahead. Mars being a very passionate, rough and a motivating planet when sitting in the 8th house makes you passionate to learn deeply about certain things in this world, mostly things connected to seggs, de_th, mysterious things, and a lot of hidden knowledge in this world. Since mars and venus are in this house you could feel very intense about your emotions and sexuality. You can have a lot of emotional outbursts or there is a chance of overwhelming emotions because of mars here. Handle your emotions with care because I feel you are maybe too harsh while handling how you feel emotionally. Venus being in this house again makes you very sexually reserved and hidden. The 8th house is a 50% part of 12th house that's why it's very mysterious and deep. Venus is art, love, creativity. Venus being in 8th house makes you find a fascination for these soft textured kind of art this year.⬇️Especially of woman.⬇️

Also you may discover a lot about your artistic abilities, if not..then I think you should try it because it'll amaze you. You may also keep your romantic feelings hidden or just out of reach. You may also fantasize a lot this year about various things. Mercury being in 8th house makes you have a very deep setted mind or a fascination for writings or books about hidden, occult and mysterious stuff. You can also maybe wanna read books related to intimacy or things that are left unsaid like mysterious de@ths, unsolved cases, hidden knowledge of the world.

Overall these three planets being in the house of pluto again enhances intimacy and intensity to these planets. Lots of transformations and discoveries related to your creativity, art,writing skills, knowledge, books, authors, hidden things. Again this year I see intimacy and transformations play a very major role in your life. Especially related to your sexuality, dark feminine, physical appearance and your emotions.

There's nothing bad here, so don't worry. You're just going to transform into the next higher level. If you're having a lot of overwhelming emotions, it's only because you're old self is wearing off and a new you welcomes you. Keep growing and slay cuz you got this! But just be careful with trusting woman with your emotions and secrets, they could use it against you. Overall you got a very rewarding life ahead of you!❤💅🏻💓🫂

Hope you enjoyed reading and please let me know if it resonates with you💘🫂☀️

Thankyou! Have a great day ahead💓

This has been all my life

““If it doesn’t challenge you, it won’t change you.””

— - Pluto in the 6th house.

i’m looking at his natal chart. even though we aren’t together anymore, i can’t help myself. i’m still struggling to make sense of everything that has happened, but i’m slowly accepting distance as the reality. there’s just something about him.

we both have five planets in retrograde. his are the outers. i have venus, no saturn, plus chiron or something. i’ve always liked the fact i have a lot of retrograde planets, and most people don’t have more than one or two. our charts really are like a mirror.

i found the source for his violence and emotional power games. it’s his mars conjunct saturn, both in twelfth house. i admire him for that. since my sun is there, i’m no judge of the chaos the 12th house brings. i seem to live in it and enjoy it. our relationship was quite twelfth house after all.

but supposedly mars & saturn connections can bring a penchant for harshness and cruelty. quite frankly, that kinda turns me on. i do have a bunch of squares to my moon & pluto after all. i thought the arguments we had were fun. i have a gemini stellium and he has a gemini moon. it wasn’t fun and games for him though unfortunately.

i remember when i saw his qi energy one day in his back yard. qi energy is something i see on people sometimes, like their spirit energy. for him, it was a quick glimpse like the right side of his face was rotting. his eyeball was missing and it was like creepy. it was quite scary come to think of it, but somehow it transferred a light to me. and i don’t recall feeling too scared by it.

but after that, i began seeing a light in other peoples eyes occasionally. it was like a “hey, i’m here for you. i’m not judging you” kind of light. i think me seeing his qi energy gave me that light, to help me move forward when i get so depressed. and as i would come to find out, the 8th house is the house of “rot”. and he was my eighth house sun.

mars in scorpio will take you to hell and back, that’s for sure.

my mom is a scorpio, and i have a lot of pluto aspects, so i guess it adds up. i’m a wittle cancer. and a lunatic 12th houser.

have dated two men with mars in scorpio. each one scorched me. power dynamics within the relationship. definitely invigorating, but lead to an intense end.

VENUS OPP PLUTO

catch an opp

i still carry the scars from your love

when you made me feel like

i was in heaven

above

now we’ve plunged to the depths of hell

and i have enough tears

to fill a well

well

well

well

what do we have you’re making me want to sing in song

i don’t know how my heart will go on

but is what we have

dead and gone?

i thought you were the one

you broke my heart

terminator

commence

execution

the moon in astrology represents our emotional nature and instincts. pluto represents power/force (good or bad) and what gives us energy, what transforms.

in my chart my moon squares my pluto, which means the planets are basically competing with each other for dominance and it creates imbalance.

pluto in aspect to the moon creates POWERFUL and strong emotions. it wasn’t until my early twenties that i realized most people don’t feel things as intensely as i do. but then again, most people aren’t as awesome either.

i don’t like many astrologers interpretations as pluto being a bad planet, or a square as being a bad aspect. it might be harsh at times, but if you haven’t noticed babe, so is this planet. get over it. wipe that neptune out of your eyes.

if anything, pluto is empowering. it is energizing. after all, something is forcing you to keep getting out of bed in the morning. something is pushing you to get what you want out of life, despite all of the pain and misery and bullshit we have to put up with. we find a will and we find a way. this is pluto.

Astrological Coincidences

this post started off as the importance of saggitarius and cancer in my life. i stayed true to that, but i was not expecting it to evolve into a 4500 word entry. read if you dare, it gets personal and drifts to anecdotes, involving gay unrequited love, but all kinda ties back together. i only scratched about half the surface, but there’s infinite time in the universe for these things. for everything, really. 

Since I started studying astrology some years ago, I’ve noticed a lot of “coincidences”, that I can’t help but feel the universe put there for some higher meaning. For example, I began to notice that most married couples possessed complementing signs. For example, water signs would date or marry other water or earth signs. Air and fire signs would date and marry each other as well. Of course, this isn’t always the case, but it always sticks out to me when a couple possesses two sun signs of opposite polarity. It’s more rare. 

My bishop of my church was a cancer (water) and his wife a saggitarius (fire), and now that I type this out, I realize another coincidence that has been revealed to me over the past few months. I would say Cancer and Saggitarius have been the two signs most on my mind lately. I am a cancer sun, and my pluto is in saggitarius. My draconic sun is in saggitarius, which I was pleased to find out. I’d much rather be a fire sign sometimes than water. Fire signs seem to have it all figured out, and are so confident in themselves. My virgo moon and sun square saturn have given me HELL.

Well, anyway. The bishop and his wife were pretty important to me when I was mormon. I liked them. I loved the church. They were sucessful church members, and good people. I still think about them almost every day, and pray for them and hope they are doing well. It is ironic to me now, that I realize two very important people to me in such a transformative, profound part of my life have these two signs.

My grandmother, who has practically raised me alongside my parents, has a saggitarius sun and a cancer moon. My cousin brenda is a saggitarius sun, so is my best friend Zoe, and my favorite dog Prince. My pluto is in saggitarius, and whether thanks to my scorpio mother or my aspects (sun quincunx pluto, moon square pluto, mercury & mars, and maybe even venus since they’re all conjunct, opposite pluto. A Harsh aspect I may add! jupiter semisquare pluto, saturn trine,uranus sextile, neptune sextile, trine ascendant, sesquidrate midheaven. whew!), I would consider myself a pretty plutonic person. It took me some years after high school to realize that most people do not operate at the level of depth I feel I do. It makes me lonely, batsh*t crazy, intimidating, and sadly, feared. I’m tempted to delve into my mercury opposite pluto and how that completely destroyed my mental health, but I wanna stay on topic.

Well, I guess this is a good segue then. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I Suppose it’s the cancer thing. Time and time again I would fall in love with “straight” men [they were predominantly straight acting/behaving but I know at least one of them messed around with dudes, the other one I don’t really care, and the other is likely a closet case) but anyways, I would fall in love with these straight men. 

The first time was sophomore year, I fell deeply in love with someone and would think about him all day every day. I would dream about him, imagine scenarios with him that would never occur, but I kept it all a secret. Maybe it was part infatuation, but maybe it was deeper. He reminded me of Jake Gyllenhaal, also a saggitarius! who was my absolute favorite actor. Although I eventually got over my love for him, it did kind of hurt me in a way, whether it be from low self esteem or just carrying a secret like that. I’ve always been tempted to blame my mood “disorder” or psychological problems on being gay, but even per the gay community I am eccentric. Weird. Crazy. 

The next unrequited love was during a summer leadership program before my first year of college. I was extremely ambitious. I wanted to be a CEO, a millionaire. The next big actor or entrepreneur. And it felt possible! at least, for a moment...

Well, there was a handsome fellow in the program, and I became fixated on him. I thought about him constantly, wondered if he thought about me, too. Of course, part of me kind of knew he wasn’t, but what was so confusing to me at this point was why would I be feeling so deeply and strongly about this guy if he wasn’t feeling the same way about me? Perhaps that’s where the delusions start. I don’t know, you know. It just didn’t make sense. He HAD to be thinking about me because I was absolutely in love with him, right? And it wasn’t just a sex thing. I don’t know what it was, frankly, because my memory escapes me. I think I just was so curious about him and wanted to be around him constantly. IDK. But after leaving the program and returning home before the start of the semester, I gathered up enough courage to send him a message on facebook and ask him on a date. Honestly, I couldn’t NOT do it. It was driiving me insane, how much I was thinking about him. Something absolutely had to be done, but I guess I’m just not one to let an opportunity pass me by. I told my coworker at penn station what I had done, and she said “you’re very brave”. 

Her reaction kind of puzzled me because it was not what I was expecting. I guess she is right, it is brave of a man to ask another man out on a date, especially if you’re unsure of his sexuality. It could have been nasty, but honestly it was quite the opposite. He simply responded that he wasn’t gay, we exchanged a few more messages, and I suggested we could hang out if he was interested (but platonically, of course (; xD) He was super nice whenever he saw me around campus, and honestly looking back at it, I’m getting kind of emotional. Because if anybody handled a gay man hitting on them the right way, it was this guy. He made it clear he wasn’t interested, but still treated me like a human. He gave me a high five one day on campus and I dunno, it was like nothing was wrong. And of course, I got over him. I didn’t get hung up on him, it was pretty easy for me to move on because he just wasn’t interested. But I won’t ever forget how I felt that summer before college. 

Of course, as I wear my heart on my sleeve, it was not long before I fell in love with someone new. I suppose I should tie this back into astrology. This summer before college was when I started getting interested in it. I began looking up people’s signs and who’s compatible with cancer. Partly on tumblr and just google searches, and your typical superficial commercial astrology articles. This is how it started, and I remember that guy being a leo, and me being upset because I’m a cancer, and we’re not compatible with leos. I suppose I was searching through the stars to measure up my chances with this guy. If I remember correctly, I probably googled things like how to tell if a guy is gay. But then, I was already doing stuff like that in high school. Omg I just thought of other crushes I’ve had, so maybe I don’t need to go down the list. I can just bring up the ones that are more relevant to this post, which are the saggitariuses!

 So I became obsessively infatuated with this saggitarius after I had left the Mormon church. It had been a rocky week. My crippling indecisiveness and existential fear of punishment and damnation had reappeared as I was slowly distancing myself from the Mormon church and its teachings. I had been in the cult er I mean covenant (just kidding, I still love ya Mormons) for two years of my life, had shaped my world view (as best as I could) and made plans for my future around this religion I had become so deeply apart of. I was a MORMON, I wanted EVERYONE to know. I truly fell in love with the Mormon church. Anyways, I couldn’t resist m*sturb*ting (censored for tumblr) and watching p*rn. P*rn is such a loaded term though, because are shirtless dudes on Instagram considered pnography? Ugh!

Well, I eventually hooked up with this guy off grindr. He was actually nuts and kind of threatened me and scared me. Perhaps he is the one who sewed that seed in me, and I am merely possessed by the same demon that inspired him to blow up at me for not wanting to come back over his apartment for a second hookup, and then messaging me saying “I’m outside”. Like, he didn’t know where I lived, but I was scared. I was like 19 or 20, he was probably in his late 30s. I dunno. I was upset about it and told my dad and he made me feel better by threatening to kick his a**. I later talked to his boyfriend (this is gay culture remember) and he apologized for him, and I actually ran into him at Fazoli’s or somewhere and he looked kinda ashamed/embarrassed. So like I forgave him I guess, or at least I just moved on and didn’t dwell on it. He was blocked on socials for years, which says something, because I don’t really block people. I was more angry about it than anything, because it was like undeserved on my end. Today though, as I write this, I’m wondering what was going through his mind. In a compassionate sense, not a judgmental one. Now that I’ve lost my noggin once or twice, I kinda get it….

Well, the next morning, I was being angsty and 20 and mad at the world and my mother and yada yada. I still don’t know if my tendency towards anger is a rather natural, human thing that most people just don’t talk about, or if I am in fact angry more often than most and more intensely. Maybe, because of my harsh moon aspects (moon square mars, moon square pluto) plus I’m a cancer scorpionic person, right? Well my friend Patrick who is a pisces sun cancer moon made me feel like I wasn’t the only one who feels things so intensely. And my friend gracie, who I can tell anything to. Shes a saggitarius sun and scorpio moon, wow did I freaking forget to mention her earlier in this post? Wow, so yes, another very important person in my life who coincidentally is a saggitarius. She knows anger, and I’m thankful for it.

 Well, I run off with my car, which I’m blessed to have from my grandparents (thank u grandpa Wilson and Sondra, I don’t think I ever expressed how thankful I was for that car but I really was. Thank you.) I end up all the way in Elizabethtown, like 45 minutes outside of Louisville, because I just wanted to get the fuck away. So of course my horny 20 year old ass gets on grindr, and almost immediately, this dude sends me the most gorgeous dick pic my little 20 year old heart had ever seen. I was like jaw on the floor wow, I wish I still had the picture! I was kinda nervous and still new to the whole hookup app thing, so I was like just sitting there, in the mcdonald’s parking lot, wondering if I should go or not. Then, he sent me a face picture, and if he wasn’t the most absolutely stunning, drop dead gorgeous man on the PLANET. Holy shit, I was in love from those two pics alone. The dick pic was giving me like trashy straight white man in a wife beater and basketball shorts vibes. Like a slimey criminalesque guy who knows how to fuck. But then he sent me that face pic and it was like the freaking sun shining on me like I was a sunflower or something. Drop dead beautiful. Anyway I hurry my ass on over there. I recall now that I was NOT looking my best, and honestly had I been a little better groomed, maybe things would have turned out differently. Maybe not. But I was wearing this like ugly like suede-ish or curdoroy-ish deep red shirt, like a worker’s shirt like a cowboy or something. I dunno why I thought that shirt was cute and didn’t give it away. I really didn’t vibe with it, but at this point in my life I was always doing what I thought I /should/ be doing, not what I felt like inside. Had to be manly, right?

Well, anyway, I looked like trash and felt like trash. I had this shitty buzz cut because I had buzzed my hair, I had some scruff, I hadn’t douched or like properly even just soaped up my ass. Like gee what was I thinking, haha. I’m so dumb. I guess I was only planning on giving him a blow job or something, but boy when he grabbed my ass did I regret not being cleaned down there. Damn if I could have taken that man’s cock, cuz it’s looking like that may have been my only chance. Ha!

Well, I get there, and of course I hesitate before I went it, and I would later use this to justify other things that went wrong in my life. Because I chose the wrong thing, which is to have [GAY] pre-marital sex, which was wrong in the Mormon church and would make me feel guilty and bar me from serving a mission (which was extremely and shockingly disheartening). Now you see why I say this man got good dick? He took it all. My pride. My shame. I kid. But I did lose a lot from these hook ups, but that was from my own lust. But this guy, E-town I would go to call him, was honestly like my dream man. He was tall, a football player’s build. I am absolutely weak for a football player, a linebacker. Especially after they’ve put on some weight! I need a man who looks like he eats a freaking steak! And plays cornhole!

I remember feeling shy and nervous for reasons outside of him and for reasons that had to do with how drop dead gorgeous he was, and I’m just a pretty shy person, no matter how far I pushed myself to be type A, extroverted, CEO successful Kyle. Straight masculine kyle ha ha.

I remember sitting on his bed, next to him. I kinda just sat there and looked at him, he put his hand on my knee, and kind of titled his head to the side and… kissed me? I don’t remember. I feel like the next thing I remember is him pulling down his (Red?) basketball shorts and watching that big fat dong slip out. And of course I went to work. (sorry mom! if ur reading this). Damn, did I suck that dick. It had to be for like 20 or 30 minutes, which honestly is kinda long lasting in the realm of anonymous internet hook ups! And for a blow job! Maybe it was only 10 minutes, who are we kidding. I don’t know, but it felt amazing and it felt like forever. I’m gonna get into the grimey details here, because I can and want to.

He like laid down on his bed and I like crouched over him and sucked that dick. It was just as great as the picture, as was he. He looked strong and masculine, and beautiful, really, sitting next to me just moments prior. The reason this hook up was so important was because I had a realization, or feeling, that was impactful on my spirit while I was sucking this hunk a junk’s dilly will. Besides the embarrassment I feel at his reaction when I reached down for his feet while I was sucking away (he looked to the left uncomfortably, fine, no feet play), I recall just you know, doing my thing on his bed, then kinda looking up and opening my eyes and this thought just kinda hits me, or appears to me, “What is wrong with this?”

“What is wrong with this?”

It was a thought that I guess had more of an impact on me than I realized, because it’s been like four years since that has happened and I have not gone back to the Mormon church. I suppose his cock literally killed the homophobia inside of me. Lust, love (mars, venus), whatever you want to call it, led me to that man and that situation. If I hadn’t been attracted to him, I wouldn’t have gone over, right? He brought up something about catfishing before I came over, and joked about how he pretended to not be home or something when the guy showed up at the door. I dunno, I guess these details put me at ease and led me to complete the task. The night before, before going to that mean guy’s house, I was like pushing myself back and forth back and forth like don’t do this, but something in me just needed to I guess. Is sex like a human need? Apparently! But I remember the tug of war that was going through me, because I didn’t want to give into the homophobia.

And wow, if something didn’t just click! I was never really afraid of Mormonism or Mormon theology. I don’t think I ever truly believed in it, I just wanted it to be true so bad I was willing to compromise so many things. And I wasn’t quite afraid of anything but homosexuality itself. I was afraid of being gay. Point blank simple. But what can I say? I have a high as fuck sex drive and I like sucking cock. I love men. I don’t know if that makes me gay or trans or a bottom or a faggot or what, it’s just what it is, you know? And I guess that’s what that feeling was that surfaced as I was sucking Austin’s dick. Austin B——

I saw little things in him that just made me convinced he was placed on this earth for me. He had a buddha head statue in his house, he had the local news playing on the TV while we hooked up. Which is just funny cuz a. the TV was on, and b. it was the local news. Like why was he watching that. The only person I know who watched that was like my grandma. And it was like the morning time, I dunno I probably would have been watching cartoons or Disney channel or history channel, not the local news. And I wouldn’t have had the TV on during a hook up, but I’ve learned that not everyone shares my electrosensory sensitivities.

He also mentioned having a gardener, and the fact he is literally football player type looking like a Greek god Hercules in the pic he sent me on the Versace beaches of Italy, tan, large, and had a humungous lizard. I was like obsessed and infatuated or whatever. And apparently it was abundantly clear because I feel he took my actions out of proportion, turned them against me, then expressed these negative, mean things to ryan weekly and later craig, my saggitarius boyfriend, at big bar. Like, honestly that’s just hurtful. But I suppose these seemingly normal things, which I took as a sign that he was the one for me and I just assumed recipricocity. Maybe that’s my problem, even to this day. I assume if I have a feeling, it is immediately shared by the other person. Huh, I’ll have to think about that.

But I didn’t talk to him for like months, because I was fucking scared. Like, I didn’t wanna get hurt. But boy did I get hurt HA. Well, I add him on facebook, because it was connected to his phone number that he had given me. I honestly thought this was not that weird, but now that I’m processing things I’ve been told and looking back at it, he might have found this odd. But like, they’re connected. It’s the digital age. I thought he was younger than he was because his grindr age was a couple years low, so I was confused. I thought he was rich because his age said like 26? Or 23? I don’t remember. It doesn’t sound old now, but to me it felt kinda old cuz I was only 20 at the time. I was like wow, he has a gardener and his own place and is that young? Like he must have a bachelor’s degree, comes from a wealthy family, etc. which I now realize I assumed because I was surrounded by that at Atherton and centre. It was kind of ingrained in me that everyone went to college and wanted to go to college. That’s just what I thought was normal, but no he didn’t go to college and neither do most people. Especially in Kentucky.

Well I also changed the color of our messenger chat because I was like haha I saw your picture from play!!!!! Omg I remember now. I did not in fact add him from his phone number on facebook because I probably correctly assumed that would have been creepy. I spent months thinking about him, then after I had gone to Play with travis on new years, I think I saw that Austin was in one of the pictures and I used that as an excuse to add him!

Ok, now things are adding less up. If I didn’t add him from his phone number, that’s one less strike against me. The play thing is like a normal thing, right? I mean I’m used to myspace and shit I’m friendly, I feel like adding people and browsing play’s page would be a normal thing. The changing of the messenger colors was honestly just a new feature and I thought it was cool, it was kind of a cute uwu flex that showed affection. Maybe he just thought it was weird and creepy. Maybe he just thought I was an unmemorable hookup, because I didn’t look my best or feel my best, and when he grabbed my ass I told him that I needed to shower. Then he had to go to some football game or something.

I’m not sure what other events exactly transpired, but I was hooked on this man but obviously super cautious about how I approached it. It’s ironic isn’t it, that I was so weary about being perceived as bad or undesirable that I held on to feelings for so long, but ended up getting fucked over in the end anyway.

The only thing I can think of which was weird was when I texted him A BUNCH that one night I showed up at nadia’s after fighting with my dad and driving all the way to Glasgow because I had this persistent urge and spiritual compulsion / delusion that I was being called AWAY. That I needed to LEAVE PERMANENTLY and that would solve all of my problems. I suppose that was dramatic of me. Well I must have been smoking weed or something because I was a little too open with my emotions and sent him a bunch of texts and said I was gonna make art about him. Which in retrospect I am super embarrassed about, because that’s like a vulnerable thing for me to say especially to someone who is about to be spewing hatred towards me. Like let’s face it, this man did not have good intentions for me. Maybe he never did. Wow. Wow. Huh. That’s a revelation.

I was just someone he was somewhat attracted to but didn’t really care about otherwise, I guess. I dunno. Wish I knew tbh. But I was like accidently nearby him on grindr, like probably less than a mile away, but that is entirely not my fault, because nadia lived in crescent hill, which is a densely populated area that I, ME, am familiar with. I spent two years on Frankfort ave with Andrew. It’s my turf, bitch. My bad, you bought some “fancy” apartment in crescent hill with your stupid Kroger manager job because you think you’re fancy and cosmopolitan but you’re actually just an idiot. I don’t even think he used the right to and your. Maybe he never said those words idk. But I remember trying to have a text convo with him and just feeling so AWKWARD. Like UGH why would it feel awkward!!!!! If I literally was in love with him and wanted to lick his feet and OH

He also looked like a fucking famous movie star director. Not an actor, not a model, not a celeb sports player, but like his vibes just screamed FAMOUS DIRECTOR. And honestly, that’s not something I would have sought out before but it was sexy. As. Fuck. I don’t fetishize directors like I do policemen or firefighters, but damn he looked fucking intoxicating.

 I was working at Costco. Well, after my emotional outburst and telling him I’d make art about him (which honestly, ought to neutralize the whole damn situation. That’s just sweet and charming as fuck. And obviously shows that I’m an emotional and caring person who just isn’t very good at expressing myself. Or maybe I was, and because he wasn’t interested and is just mean, he twisted it to make it look like I was creepy. I was surprised to find out ryan weekly knew him, and when we chatted he like joked around with me about it. But he told me that Austin was really scared of me, “like for his life”. Part of me wants to say ryan was just being dramatic and mean, but now that I remember /how/ he said it, I think it was honest. Which is disturbing, because Austin was never in danger… that was a delusion on his part. Ha! I suppose I was just suffering from his delusions and assertion of his will, or whatever. If yaw anna look at it astrologically.

But ryan was kinda mean. He told me I was awkward and weird because I like would randomly laugh to myself or something. Like how is that weird…. Like I just don’t understand why that would have bothered him and why he would have felt the need to tell me I was weird or inferior or something. I mean I know we had history with kayla and all, but I had forgiven all that and genuinely liked hanging out with ryan before. But, he is also one person who first called attention to my “anger issues”

So maybe that answers my question from before. If two separate people make the same comment or observation about my emotional nature, maybe there is some accuracy in it. Maybe I’m fooling myself by thinking it’s a common thing just because I’ve found good, healing validation in who would become my close friends. But I suppose that is why they are my close friends, and ryan w—— is not.

Anyway, e-town was a saggitarius, and maybe because my pluto is in saggitarius, and is poorly aspected my mars, mercury, and my moon. Maybe that is what created this whole mess to begin with. I guess I can’t exactly be mad, but I mean damn what the fuck God?!

If I wasn’t wrong for sucking dick, because “what’s wrong with this?” then I wasn’t being punished for it. Right? If I hadn’t done the wrong thing, I wouldn’t have been punished….. IF you’re going on basic right vs wrong. Of course in the real world, innocent people get punished for things they haven’t done or for things they have done but just isn’t wrong. It’s like, subjective and relative to the situations and circumstances at hand. Maybe this is just one of those situations, too, and that’s just the detached truthful reality of it. Huh.

Now I could go on to talk about Craig, the next saggitarius romantic endeavor that ended in total disaster. Absolute volcanic eruption. Not supervolcano, but maybe just an island volcano that kills hundreds of people. Damn, I felt that.

I remember smoking weed and feeling like a woman who was psychotic and in space and crashed the entire spaceship because someone did something to upset her. I mean, it’s happened before. The pilots that have taken down entire planes full of passengers, just to kill themselves. That just doesn’t make sense to me. Why not just kill yourself? Why take a whole crew of random passengers with you? And it just doesn’t feel anti-social to me, like he thought people were bad and deserved it. The feeling I may be intuiting that it was just carelessness.? But that doesn’t feel right either. Maybe it was impulse and on a whim. Maybe it was a hint of psychopathy and a strong feeling he had and just took the chance. Maybe he wanted fame. Attention. Who knows. Is this what life is? Detachedly making sense of all this chaos and trauma, and death and loss and unknown? God!

I’m tempted to say this is all so psychotic, but in fact i do feel like it’s actually quite awesome, for once. All this chaos and unknown, but still being able to find happiness in it. That is such a wise, helping healing piece of perception.