Saturn in 9th House
Since my last post got me on the topic of Saturn, I figured it deserved its own post. Personally, I don’t like Saturn all that much in astrology. The symbol is alright ♄ (I was honestly thinking of Jupiter’s at first which is much cooler (･_･;
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(ﾟoﾟ;; but I digress. However, the themes of Saturn just do not appeal to me. Responsibility, rigidity… it just makes me think of a stern judge who passes judgment on others without compassionately understanding what they’re going through. I see it as faulty. Rigid, stiff, error prone but powerful enough to reap no consequence. Saturn gives us form, especially our entire earthly life. We get our Saturn return in our late 20s, which I am approaching. So far, I don’t quite understand what people complain about when it comes to Saturn returns, however I’m confident I’ve caught glimpses of it.
There is something to aging that is just uncomfortable and sad. And scary. However, Saturn being in the same sign as when I was born excites me rather than causes dread, cuz then wouldn’t that mean the world and I will be on the same page again?? I mean come on.
Aries. That is the sign with which one of the ring giants resided when I was born one morning in the summer of ninety-six. 9th house is its house. Don’t ask me degrees, cuz im not all into that. I suck at math. But my sun and moon are both at 0° which I find odd… Pluto too…. Anyways.
So my previous post talked about how Saturn in 9th folks like more orthodox and traditional religions, and that rings very true for me. I’ve always felt drawn towards Judaism, was a devout Mormon for a couple years, etc. Another issue of this placement is supposedly existential nihilism, which I’ve also suffered from greatly. I believe it was even enhanced, because my Sun (life, energy) tensely squares my Saturn, which I read can cause a depressive person. Which is also extremely true…
Maybe if I look at what transits were happening when I was 12, because that’s when I first began feeling depressed and suicidal. It was entirely because I was gay, and ashamed and afraid of the point of even living if I was damned to a life of mockery and eternal suffering afterwards. I was deeply depressed all throughout my teenage years because I honestly just grew comfortable with it. Once your brain is so serotonin and dopamine depleted, and you’ve been laying down for hours with absolutely no joy or stimulation whatsoever… you get kinda used to it. I was too scared to admit being depressed to friends and family, so I just dealt with it my own way. I fantasized about suicide often, wrote emo blog posts and journal entries. You know, the works. But I eventually got over it. But I attribute this to sun square Saturn, like Saturn was just draining and zapping the will to live out of me. I finally got over all of this during a church sermon one day, where the preacher of this architecturally lovely church said that perhaps misery is not something we need to run from or avoid, but a ship that must be set sail. And that really spoke to me. Like it gave my depression, my square, meaning and significance, rather than a fluke that needed to be avoided and corrected.
In my post high school life, I struggled to find meaning. I was constantly wondering what the point of everything was, in a way that was more frequent and emotionally taxing than the average guy or gal. Maybe, maybe not. Who knows. But I was unhappy. It’s interesting that Saturn in 9th could be what caused that.
For the Aries part of my Saturn, I have less to say. However, I am quite impulsive. I feel like I act more like my draconic sun and moon, sag and aquarius, than I do my natal cancer/virg at times. I’ve always been pretty rebellious as well, which I kind of interpret Saturn in Aries to represent. I’m not sure.
Aries was actually my least favorite sign for quite some time. I don’t exactly have a least favorite sign anymore, but if I had to choose, maybe Libra :P ahh got eem. No but seriously. It wasn’t until I grew close to my friend / former roommate who is an Aries, and had a romantic fling with an Aries or two, that I got over my Aries complex. It’s just like impulsive and childish and insensitive. But since I am a cancer, cancer and Aries naturally square each other apparently. So my feelings are in fact, understandable. Natural, perhaps….
Anyways. Those are my thoughts for now. Perhaps it’s the Aries in me, but the idea of growing up and becoming responsible just seems so sucky to me lol. But as I’m typing this I’m realizing that’s not necessarily the case. I’m turning 26 next month, so I’m not sure when my exact Saturn return will be. But I’ve felt the pang of Saturn a few times in my life. The existential realization that our actions have consequences. It doesn’t always matter what our intentions were, or that we didn’t know, or that somewhere someone loves us. None of that can save us from the hard fist of the law, or from the temperamental and violent nature of other humans. But I am 26, and I am officially no longer a kid or a teenager. I’m an adult. And I feel like I’ve gotten settled, and I’m just getting a peak of what is to come. And I’m less afraid than I was before :)
Astrology Journaling
/themes
· LDS CHURCH · SATURN 9H · HOMOSEXUALITY · LIBRA · SUN 12H · /
So I am currently dating a Pisces sun, Cancer moon. I myself and a cancer sun virgo moon. I noticed when I first got into astrology, I was sitting at a table with my group of friends at the liberal arts college I attended. I started asking people’s birthdays and birthtimes so I could generate their chart online. This was before almost everyone knew their sun, moon, and rising. Circa 2014/2015. I had just started dabbling in astrology. I got hooked into searching the web late at night for what aspects meant what, how my house placements could influence what decisions I might make for say, my career, or life’s bigger questions like what is the meaning of it all. Astrology sort of became like my therapy, a search that acted as a distraction from my existential nihilism and just truly piqued my interest.
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But, I was also LDS (mormon) at the time, and rather devout. Interestingly, I would later read that people with Saturn in 9th house like I have, tend to favor more traditional religions, such as Catholicism, Mormonism, and Judaism. When I read this in a book about Saturn, my jaw dropped! My search for existential meaning budded in my senior year of high school. Although I was raised baptist by a *fanatic in word but complete opposite in practice * father (love u dad lol), I became an atheist, or agnostic actually, at age 12. By this time, I had already realized I was gay, and that shattered my Christian faith. My pride and ego did not want to believe in a deity that (from my perception) made gay. I didn’t actively choose it or anything, so why should I be condemned for it? However, the seeds had already been planted in my brain. I remember at age 7 or so, praying to Jesus over and over and over again to save me, and that if I died that night to go to heaven. I was afraid. I was afraid one prayer wasn’t enough. Perhaps this was the start of my obsessive compulsive behaviors to come.
See, even though /I/ said I didn’t believe in God or whatever anymore, that doesn’t mean that he didn’t still exist. I figured he had to, since there’s so many religions in the world, and one of them had to be right. So, I found online that most religions are homophobic, even the Buddhists and Hindus, so I concluded that homosexuality = wrong. Even though I was undoubtedly attracted to men, I figured something must’ve happened to make me this way. After all, I was attracted to women at one point in my life. I recall stumbling upon my grandfather’s playboy magazines when I was 9, and what followed was excuse after the next to wander down into the basement so I could sneak a peek. TW - sex ||| However, around age 11 when I first started masturbating, something switched and I started focusing on men. I would look at pictures of men in speedos online, the whole shebang. Eventually I stopped looking at women all together and to this day I cannot get aroused by a woman. So what happened ? What gives ? There was nothing traumatic that happened to me. My family was dysfunctional, divorced, working class. Love was just as scarce as the money, so it seemed. Shit felt tense, no other way to say it. But I stopped living with my grandmother as much and started living with my mom more once middle school started, so with all the resentment and rage of an angsty gay 18 year old, curious for answers on life’s bigger truths, while also terrified of going to hell, and at the very beginning of building a life for myself. I delved back into spirituality, because I felt that was more important than anything else really. When it comes down to it, once you’re dead, how much does it really matter what you had on earth? This was my thinking at least.
((I have a 12th house sun and so does my father. So this emphasis on spirituality makes sense to me.))
So I search and search and stumble upon the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And I fell in love. It seemed like every answer I had was being answered by something concrete, their ideas about community and taking care of others completely aligned with my own, and let’s face it, the Mormons do a damn good job marketing themselves to others! That’s what missionary work is all about. Utah has a very big communal culture that Kentucky seriously lacks. Here, it’s practically every man for himself. People don’t go out of their way to be nice here. In Utah, they do. They walk the walk and talk the talk. I respected that, and I wanted to be like that.
Since we’re on the topic of the LDS church, I wanna say the church gives me heavy Libra vibes. Salt Lake City is the plastic surgery capital of the country. Mormon temples are just breathtakingly beautiful. They are so obsessed with looking attractive, having white teeth, etc, because it makes missionaries more effective in obtaining converts, and the church teaches that the righteous prosper. So the more you live in according to the word of Jesus Christ, the wealthier and beautifuler and happier you will be. Just seems very libra to me. Lol. I wonder if the church’s natal sun is in libra? Like whatever sign it was when the church was formed in upstate New York.
I started this post thinking I would talk about my relationships , cuz I’ve had a few and dated two Pisces now. Oh well!