Screaming Into The Void - Blog Posts

maybe drinking *is* the answer to all my problems

That's a real relief to here. I'm always scared ðat I'm just screamiŋ into ðe void. To know I'm not alone, and not beiŋ annoyiŋ is niçe.

Does it get annoying with me asking so many questions and responding to so many of your posts?

No. It's actually great to see you interact wiþ our posts.

Artblock is funny to me

Because when i see other artists in artblock post something, it’s honestly not that bad and I enjoy looking at it. But!! It’s obviously not good/up to standards, according to the artist who made it?

Which makes me wonder,,, was/is there any art i made that was actually good, but I couldn’t see it because of my mindset at that time

A random drunk girl trying to pick Dazai up at a bar: I've never even kissed a guy.

Dazai, staring intently at Chuuya across the room, chin propped up on his hand: Me neither~

going to sleep after saving another 30+ edits of Anaxa, goodnight beautiful world

and fuck chemistry

a special goodnight to my wife ofc

I just finished VLR.... what the hell have I gotten myself into

Our head hurts,,might delete this later,,CW for guteral yelling and crying./this is a vent

Goodnight everyone.

college got me feeling like I'm 13 again and deeply ingraining myself into the online world

u go up to a girl who u bullied/helped to bully for years and think she’s rejecting you as a friend when really you just weren’t the person she wanted to see at that exact moment but in general she thinks ur alright and u ask her is there anything i can do to change ur mind about hating me forever and ever…? and she asks you ‘can you realign the stars?’ and you think wow. what a sick metaphor for asking me if i could turn back time and not have played a hand in her childhood trauma. i will say no and leave in tears. but no. marinette’s ACTUALLY asking if sabrina knows how to reschedule a star’s arrival at Jupiter because of its astrological significance and how that could positively affect her romantic relationship with adrien I Love This Show

On mother's day

Mum

I'm sorry

i love you i swear i do i just cant say it. i dont remember the last time i did. i do remember when i promised myself i never would again and now i cant anymore

im sorry and i know you are too i know you love me. you do say it. and you want me to say it back. you hug me and want me to hug you back. you kiss me and want me to kiss you back. i cant. im so sorry.

it hurts and i know it hurts you too. i know, because it kinda was the point. it was payback for hurting me. i was a kid and scared and powerless and the only thing i could take away from you and dad was myself. so i did. as punishment. i didnt know i was punishing myself too. i didnt know i didnt know any better im sorry.

and when we left him i thought we'd be fine. but we're not. we're so obviously not. we're alone with each other and i dont know how to love. and you dont know a lot about me.

you gave me my life and have been with me almost every second of it. and there's so much you don't know. so much i've kept from you. i kept myself from you for too long. i dont know how to give myself back.

and i don't know if you'd want it. if you'd like it. me. if you'd like me.

i remember you wanted me to do ballet, like my cousin. im sorry im black belt now. i remember you wanted me to go shopping with you. im sorry i couldnt care less about it. (i AM sorry. you like it so much and i just dont.) i remember every time i've had to put makeup on and how pretty you say i look. im sorry the mirror makes me want to cry.

im sorry we dont care about the same things. its not that i dont care about you. its not the only way you can care about me.

i remember when i wasnt too excited about doing my hair and you said i might as well have been born a boy im not a boy im just not a girl in the ways you want me to be

i know it hurt that you are not going to my graduation party im sorry, it hurt me too. it hurt me to. I hurt me too. im sorry dad's gonna get mad when he finds out he's not going either. im sorry he hurt us so much.

i remember when you said im cold. im not. i just dont know how to feel out loud. not anymore. not in front of you, anyway. and today you said you hope to at least be invited to my wedding. im sorry i dont know if im ever gonna get married.

but if i marry a girl, would you go?

please go.

im sorry this was such an awful mothers day.

im sorry im sorry im sorry i know im not what you wanted but its all i can be

please understand please love me please forgive me

x your only daughter

On death. Again.

On december 2020 I wrote about my grandma’s passing. I’ve just read the post again and it says that “it’s the first time someone close to me dies”.

oh, well.

Next thursday will be the first month anniversary of one of my classmate’s death. It’s the fourth death of the year. So far it’s been two illnesses, one suicide and one accident.

He wasn’t my friend, I didn’t know a lot about him, except that he would have been a much better engenieer than I’ll ever be. I think we were going to graduate at the same time. It’s not fair.

I found out right outside the lab where I saw him for the last time. We were there with the rest of our group the day they told us classes were cancelled because of covid. We cheered and laughed and said good bye and see you soon.

We were not scared. We didn’t know.

I mean, of course we were in the same group chats and online classes for the next couple years, and even teamed up in some projects, but I never saw him again.

It was an accident. He was riding his bike. It was not supposed to happen. We were supposed to graduate together. We were all supposed to make it.

I feel guilty because I chose not to go to the funeral, or the ceremony, or the homage. I didn’t tell his family and friends I was sorry for their loss. And I was. I am. I just really didn’t want to go. I would have felt totally out of place. I was not his family, I was not his friend. I barely knew him. And it still hurt.

It still hurts.

Classes start again next week, and he is not going to be there. We are going to sit there and take the lessons and do the homework and listen to the teachers and complain about all of it. And he is not going to be there.

We are going to graduate without him, and all the good things he could have made in the world are never gonna happen. All because of a fucking accident. It’s not fair. It’s just not.

I don’t know why this death struck me more than the other three. Maybe because it affects me directly. Maybe cause he was my age. Maybe cause it was so sudden. Maybe cause now I’m scared someone I love will walk out the door and I’ll never see them again.

There. I said it. I’m scared. I’m really fucking scared. I can’t do anything to stop things like this from happening, and it’s absolutely fucking terrifying.

That’s all I have to say. for now.

On... death? grief? pain? not sure.

So...

I’ve never actually written a post here before, even though I’ve been meaning to for a while, but now I have too many thoughts and I need to say some things out loud and I don’t really trust my voice. That leaves me with writing them. Maybe this will stay in the drafts. Maybe I want it to stay in the drafts. I don’t know. Now that I’ve finished writing, I feel like I have to post it. The drafts are not ¨out loud¨. 

If you want to read just know that it’s not happy at all.

My grandma died today.

And I’m not crying. Not yet, at least. 

It´s not that I didn’t love her, I just didn’t see her very often; we live in different states. But now I’ll never see her again. Not in christmas, nor in summer vacation. Never. 

I mean, she was very sick already, we knew this was coming, but now it happened. It’s the first time someone close to me dies. I don´t know how this works. I’ve never even had pets, I have no precedent for dealing with this.

This afternoon my dad called my mom and asked her to tell me. He didn’t want to tell me himself. He’s never been good with emotions and stuff. Now I have to decide what to do. I obviously want to go, the funeral is tomorrow. But the pandemic is getting really bad there. They don’t allow more than 20 people at the ceremony. I’m not sure I should be in those 20. As I said, I didn’t visit very often anyway. Then again, how can I not go? I have to say goodbye. I couldn’t say goodbye. But what if I go and get covid? and spread it to my mom when I come back? what if, by attending to a funeral, I cause another? maybe my own?

I can´t do that, not when the vaccine is so close, not when we’ve managed to stay safe for so long. 

But I just want to go. I feel like I owe it to her. It’s risky, it’s impulsive, it’s all the things I usually wouldn’t do. I’m confused. I’m sad. I’m still not crying. why??

My grandma died yesterday.

2:38 p.m.: Still not crying, but my chest is heavy. I feel weak. I’m not hungry.

10:42 p.m.: I’m... fine???? I’m going. Tomorrow. I’ll see how it goes.

My grandma died 4 days ago.

I’m back home. It was... fine, I guess. Apparently everyone agrees that it was time, she had to go, it was for the best. 

Her last moments were with my uncle, he is a retired doctor. a gynecologist. It is sad and somehow ironic that he, whose job was basically keeping mothers alive and well, was the one holding her when she died. He said he’s never had a patient die in his arms before.

Yet another example of life’s dark sense of humor is that my dad’s birthday will also be from now on the anniversary of his mother’s funeral.

So I’m home, and I’ll stay locked for a couple weeks and pray that my mom and I didn’t get infected. Wich sucks, becasuse just a few hours ago, we recieved notice that my other grandma has cancer. And my mom can’t go visit her to the hospital, because I wanted to go visit my dad’s family and dragged her with me. Great. This year only gets better. I hate it. This has to stop now. Please. Please.

I think I’ll end here. I have nothing left to say. I am going to post it. Leaving this in the drafts feels like trying to yell with my mouth shut.

pacifica fans how r we feeling about the platinum paz code on thisisnotawebsitedotcom.com

GRRRR WOOF BARK BARK ABSJDKDKDJDJDBARH

that’s it. that’s the post.

I need everyone, literally every human, to know:

YOU NEED A FUCKING ADVANCED DIRECTIVE.

I don't care if you're young. If you're old. If you think your kids know what you want. If you think your spouse knows what you want.

DO THE FUCKING PAPERWORK SO YOUR FAMILY WON'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS.