A Random Drunk Girl Trying To Pick Dazai Up At A Bar: I've Never Even Kissed A Guy.

Dazai: I am 100% straight.

Ranpo: Kunikida teaching Atsushi martial arts.

Dazai: I am 90% straight.

Yosano: Dostoevsky in the Dead Apple movie.

Dazai: I am 70% straight.

Ranpo: Sigma wearing his high heels.

Dazai: I am 50% straight.

Atsushi: The Hunting Dog that arrested you.

Dazai: I am 40% straight.

Dazai: Still straight, still doing okay.

Ranpo: Chuuya-

Dazai: I am not straight.

Dazai, trying to impress Chuuya: I'm great in sex. I've lost count how many times I've done it.

Chuuya:

Chuuya: Masturbation does not count as having sex.

Dazai: My feelings for Chuuya are strictly platonic.

Ango: I see...What color are his eyes?

Dazai: Ocean blue, not in a weird way but in a way your ship can get lost in their waves and you’d never want to escape because it feels like an adventure and discovering new things in life...

Odasaku: Right...

Ango: What color are my eyes?

Dazai: Idk brown? Shut up Ango I'm talking about Chuuya.

Ranpo: So, I'm going to grab a healthy breakfast.

Fukuzawa: Are those gummy bears wrapped in a fruit roll-up?

Ranpo: Breakfast burrito but yeah...

Fukuzawa: I pity your dentist.

Ranpo: Joke's on you I don't have a dentist.

Fukuzawa:

Fukuzawa: I'm taking you to the dentist.

Chuuya: Shut up!

Dazai: Or what?

Chuuya, thinking what to say that could make Dazai shut up forever:

Chuuya: Or else I'll marry you!

Dazai: *malfunctions*

Chuuya: Hey, if I ask you a boy question, will you promise not to be weird about it?

Kouyou: Come on, when have I ever been? Go on, tell me!

Chuuya: Well, Dazai--

Kouyou: You can do better!

Chuuya:

Ranpo, first time meeting Dazai about Chuuya: My special abillity says there's a man in your life you're having problems with.

Dazai, angrily: That's an easy guess.

Dazai: I'm clearly an annoying person and have problems with both genders.

Ranpo: Yes, you clearly are.

Atsushi, seeing the cops marching past:

Atsushi, who has done nothing wrong ever: They're coming for me.

Dazai, currently wanted for 138 murders, 312 cases of extortion, and 625 cases of fraud, along with various and sundry other crimes: Yeah, probably.

Dazai, who had a sex dream about Chuuya: Drunk ppl do tons of things they don't normally do when their sleeping, like snore and have really weird dreams.

Dazai: Like sex dreams but it doesn't even matter cause dreams don't mean anything.

Chuuya, who also had a sex dream about Dazai: You're right. They don't mean anyhting. You can have a sex dream about someone you're repulsed by irl.

Dazai: Yes, yes exactly. Thank you, Chuuya.

Dazai: You could have a sex dream about, like, me.

Chuuya: But I didn't.

Chuuya: And if I had it would be a sex nightmare cause I hate you.

Dazai: And I hate you too, thank you.

Mori: What do you do when someone offers you drugs?

Dazai: Take them!

Chuuya: Punch them in the neck!

Tachihara: Say thank you!

Akutagawa: Offer them more drugs to assert dominance!

Mori:

Mori: No.