She remembered that excruciating feeling, that devastating day in the mulefa world when Xaphania told them about their fate.
It felt as if the universe collapsed around and into her, merciless and suffocating.
They were to live their whole lives without each other, long and supposed-to-be-meaningful lives without the only person in the universe who could understand them fully.
It felt like being gutted.
Lyra smiled distractedly, caressing the old bench she lounged on.
When she was fourteen, she didn't understand that the universe had robbed Will and her of much more than loving each other openly, or kisses, or romance.
She didn't know then that loving an idea of a person was quite easy.
She couldn't imagine that she would mourn extremely mundane things.
Something everyone else got to experience every day with their loved ones.
Lyra longed to know if Will snored. Or, if he did, whether she would complain about it to him every morning. She wanted to burn his coffee at least once, to do renovations and bicker about wallpaper colours. She wanted to buy things together, read together, steal food from his plate and sip from his cup. To fight about... about something, anything, and then make up, and kiss his brow. To not be forced to replay his every touch from memory, because there wouldn't be need for that. Lyra wanted to whisper Will's name to wake him up, to warm up her feet against his scorching skin. To never let him work, to parade him around and sneak away to dark hallways to kiss, giggling.
She longed to have a life with him. Just this domestic life, so sweet your teeth start rotting at a mere thought of it.
But no, of course not.
They would never have that with each other. The fate made sure of that.
Lyra gripped the edge of the bench tighter and felt, with a grim satisfaction, a splinter lodging itself deep in her palm.
Her eyes burned. She bit her lip so hard she could taste blood, and exhaled shakily.
Envy, anger and pain were swirling in her chest like poisoned water.
Why her? Why Will?
They gave everything, why did they have to give up each other?
That Midsummer Day the loss of him hurt different.
Perhaps, the deepest.
Because she didn't lose his love. Lyra knew she couldn't possibly lose it.
She lost all the ordinary days she could have spent by his side.
Somehow it was even worse.