Socialization - Blog Posts
Why did someone send me this and claim it was proof women’s rights were under attack?
Yeah women aren’t the only caregiver and often due to socialization they push males out of parenting roles and often undermine males in these situations.
It’s actually part of the whole “women have historically been the child raisers” narrative. As a society women see themselves as the only ones who know how to raise kids and we even specifically use women as symbols of good parents despite men being statistically just as good at parenting.
You aren’t being attacked by this and if you see this as an attack you are a brainwashed idiot who thinks women’s only role is a walking womb who is meant to push out spawn and then raise them while the rock person you are married too go and dies in a war or something.
Toxic moms vs Good Fathers
The Crucial Role of Fathers in Child Development and Overcoming Maternal Gatekeeping
As a psychotherapist, I've observed firsthand how deeply impactful a father's role is in a child's emotional, psychological, and behavioral development. Current research underscores the importance of paternal involvement, highlighting the structured, authoritative approach fathers commonly adopt, characterized by clear expectations, discipline, and consistent guidance. These aspects of fatherhood foster independence, emotional resilience, and social competence in children (Frontiers in Psychology, 2022).
Why Fathers are Essential
Fathers uniquely contribute to children's growth through structured play and consistent discipline, significantly influencing children's emotional regulation, academic performance, and social interactions. Research shows that children with engaged fathers exhibit improved cognitive development, better behavioral outcomes, and enhanced emotional stability. Conversely, the absence of a father correlates strongly with increased risks for mood disorders, behavioral problems, and difficulties with emotional regulation (PMC, 2023).
Understanding Toxic Maternal Gatekeeping
While mothers often excel at nurturing, some behaviors, especially maternal gatekeeping, can inadvertently hinder a father's involvement. Maternal gatekeeping refers to behaviors where a mother may limit or restrict the father's access to the child, often through criticism, control, or undermining his parenting efforts. This behavior frequently stems from unresolved attachment issues, emotional insecurity, or distrust, particularly among mothers who themselves lacked a father figure in their upbringing (PMC, 2016).
Maternal gatekeeping not only undermines paternal engagement but can perpetuate generational cycles of absenteeism. Women raised without fathers are more likely to experience similar patterns in their own families, leading to ongoing familial dysfunction and emotional instability (Fatherhood.org, 2023).
Economic and Emotional Challenges in Father-Absent Households
Families without an actively involved father, particularly single-mother households, commonly experience economic hardships, increased stress, and limited social support. These stressors can negatively impact children's psychological and emotional well-being, highlighting the need for paternal presence to provide stability and structure. In contrast, single-father households typically report higher incomes and better resource accessibility, underscoring the socio-economic advantages of paternal involvement (Pew Research Center, 2013).
Strategies for Overcoming Maternal Gatekeeping
Fathers facing toxic maternal gatekeeping can employ several effective strategies:
Open Communication: Initiate respectful, non-confrontational discussions focused on the child's best interests.
Clearly Defined Roles: Establish written agreements outlining parental responsibilities and visitation.
Legal Support: Consult legal professionals early and document interactions meticulously.
Mediation and Therapy: Engage in mediation or family counseling to facilitate healthy co-parenting communication.
Parenting Education: Participate in parenting workshops to strengthen parenting skills and demonstrate commitment.
Child-Centric Approach: Prioritize the child's emotional health and consistently avoid negative speech about the other parent.
Strong Emotional Connections: Maximize quality time to build trust and strengthen bonds with the child.
Professional Support: Utilize individual and child-focused counseling to navigate emotional challenges and familial tensions.
Conclusion
As a psychotherapist, I've witnessed the transformative impact that involved fathers can have on their children's lives. Addressing and overcoming maternal gatekeeping behaviors is critical for fostering healthier family environments. By advocating for structured paternal involvement, supporting co-parenting strategies, and understanding the root causes of gatekeeping, we can significantly improve children's developmental outcomes, ensuring emotional, social, and psychological health for generations to come.
References
Frontiers in Psychology (2022). "The Role of Fathers in Child Development." https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.772023/full
PMC (2023). "Psychological Effects of Father Absence." https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5648344
PMC (2016). "Maternal Gatekeeping and Father Involvement." https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4922533
Fatherhood.org (2023). "Father Absence and Intergenerational Patterns." https://www.fatherhood.org/father-absence-statistic
Pew Research Center (2013). "The Rise of Single Fathers." https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2013/07/02/the-rise-of-single-fathers
Source: Toxic moms vs Good Fathers
I've expanded the instructions I gave for apologizing into a detailed listicle. I hope it'll be helpful. Some of the points, however, are very specific to the English language.
1. Don't explain what happened, it will sound like you're justifying your actions. And because of the way our brains work, you're likely to actually start justifying your actions. At that point, you're no longer apologizing. Remind yourself that the apology needs to have priority right now, and that there will be time later to identify causes and solutions.
2. Be specific, or at least use more words than "I'm sorry." "Sorry" is used so often as a polite noise, nearly meaningless, that it's difficult to be sincere, or even sound sincere when using it for a formal apology. Again, this ties into what @theconcealedweapon wrote: we're trained to say "sorry" when we don't mean it, so that becomes the core of the word's meaning, without our even realizing it. And if you're Australian, it gets even worse!
Personally, I use "I apologize" or "My apologies," or in dire circumstances, "Please accept my apology." This allows me to break my conditioning and focus on my genuine contrition, as well as making it clear to others that I'm taking the apology seriously.
3. Apologize for what you did, and absolutely NOT how it made someone feel. The latter is often used for manipulation.
Other things not to apologize for:
that the consequences of your actions happened
what you don't like about the person or group you're apologizing to
being right
being better than the people you're apologizing to
allegedly not having any idea what you're supposed to be apologizing for
...you'd think all this would go without saying, but it can be subtler than you might expect, and sometimes we do it without thinking, because we picked it up as children, from the nastier adults around us.
Instead, take a moment to focus on what you did, and how to describe it clearly in a way that accepts your fault and/or responsibility for the situation. Again, don't bring anything else into the apology, lest you make it seem less of an apology. People are so used to hearing the above crap from unrepentant people, that they will not give you the benefit of the doubt.
4. Watch your tone of voice. This is actually two separate points.
First, yet another thing we unconsciously pick up as children is the obviously sarcastic mock apology. It's not always a bad thing, it can be a joke or a verbal gesture, but you have to make sure you don't let that habit find its way into a genuine apology, and ruin it. This is where the bit about "Say it like you mean it" comes from. The easiest way to say it like you mean it is to mean it. See next paragraph.
Second, if you can't be respectful and express regret, you shouldn't be apologizing just yet. You're not ready. Leave the art of convincingly faking an apology to the con artists and cult leaders. You will probably need to just keep your mouth shut for a while. Acknowledge (to yourself) the possibility that you might change your mind later. In some rare cases, it may be possible to tell people, "I'm not ready to apologize just yet," but don't count on it.
5. (optional) If necessary and you can do it honestly, either characterize what you did, or agree with others' characterization of it, or promise to/ask how to not do it again, or multiple of the above. Say that it was wrong or inappropriate or a failure or whatever. Name people who called you out, say they were right, and repeat what they said about what you're apologizing for. If you promise not to do it again, don't pivot to talking about how great you will be in the future, keep it focused on the apology.
This might be a bit too much for less dire apologies, and you may not be able to manage this if you apologize the minute you can bring yourself to be sincere, but otherwise, you can build yourself some credibility by immediately seeking to improve yourself and make sure that YOU never do whatever-it-was again. It's more for privately apologizing to your direct supervisor, or to a friend.
On the other hand, beware of doing this if you're the authority figure, or are apologizing to a large group, because politicians routinely pivot away from making actual apologies by making big promises for the future. People are wise to this, though, and your whole apology is liable to be dismissed as bullshit if you try to use it for self-promotion.
So many people seem completely unaware of what a genuine apology is.
And that's because children are forced to say sorry on command.
Before they ever had a chance to process what they did, why they did it, what effect it had on others, or what they should have done instead, they're expected to say that they're sorry. And they're expected to "say it like you mean it" with no indication of what that even means and with no time to figure out how to phrase it correctly.
Sometimes, even when the child's actions are justified by any logical reasoning, they're expected to apologize because an authority figure demands it.
The goal of saying sorry ends up being solely to avoid punishment. And they phrase the apology in whatever way the authority figure will accept.
The result is an entire society filled with people who give completely useless apologies that appear like they're only trying to avoid punishment.