Something About Me - Blog Posts

Me

Please DNI if you get triggered by mentions of SA/CSA.

Read at your own discretion.

This is a true story, unfortunately. I hope no one will have to experience this.

Hasn’t been checked for misspellings/grammar/punctuation.

Queue a petite, blonde haired girl, 6 years old and just trying to live through being bullied. She’s only in prep, the grade before grade 1, but she’s already more mature than all of her classmates and more. 

She’s only 6, but really, she’s 16. 

She should not know what sex is, yet.

She should not have felt what sex is like, yet.

But she has, and she doesn’t realise that what she was taught is ‘sex’, wasn’t truly sex at all.

Her brother, only a few years older than her, already in grade 5 and way too knowledgeable about porn, wanted to ‘see what it feels like’.

He asked her to try it out with him.

She didn’t know any better.

He’s her brother, right? She trusts him.

It happens once.

Then again the next week

He’s ‘just practicing’ he says.

She’s confused; finally asks her parents how babies are made.

They choke on their spit and eventually give her a brief ‘birds and the bees’ explanation.

It wasn’t enough to teach her.

It happens again

And again

And again.

It goes on for a long time.

Still she doesn’t understand it fully. But by this time, she’s craving it. She still trusts her brother, and he always has fun when they do it. Why wouldn’t she like it? 

It’s a new routine.

She still doesn’t understand.

One day, her brother makes a sex joke. He’s 12 now, so it’s expected. She know’s better, about what sex is. She realises maybe what they were doing was sex, so she laughs along with the joke and eventually tells her mom that they had sex.

She’s shocked. 

She doesn’t believe her.

But she moves her out of their shared room, and now she has a room to herself. 

Eventually, the events are forgotten completely.

Until she grows up.

And she remembers.

By now, she’s been taught the difference between sex and rape. 

She’s distraught. Her brother knew what he was doing, he should have known better.

Why didn’t he stop?

Now she realises why she is so hypersexual. 

She hates it; she hates her mind and body for constantly being sexual - why can’t she just be ‘normal’, she’d think to herself.

She doesn’t realise it’s a trauma response.

Now, whenever her chronic depression plays up (effects of being bullied every year of primary school), she has severe breakdowns because she remembers it all.

It plays through her mind like a vhs tape and she can’t seem to shake it.

She wants to get help.

She never does.

How does one learn to accept and move on from the fact that her own brother took advantage of her? 

She can’t tell her family about it, especially not when her family is already very fucked up.

These days, she is close with her brother, after all, he’s the only one who can relate to her with their family problems.

But how is she supposed to act around him now that she realises that what he did to her was severely fucked up?

She’s messed up, but she can’t show weakness.

Not now that she is a leader at school, in her graduating year. 

Not now that she will be leaving for uni soon, not now that she has all eyes on her.

She doesn’t cry, but she wants to.

Her body aches; in pain from the memory of it all.

He doesn’t remember, or at least he chooses not to remember.

Her friends don’t really care, when she told them.

To them, it’s some far away experience that most of them will never experience or relate to, which is a good thing for them. But for her? Not so much.

How is she supposed to move on, when her friends don’t fully grasp or care about it? 

She certainly doesn’t know.

And so the memory keeps playing; and she keeps feeling disgusted about herself, about the way she liked it when she was younger. She knows she didn’t know any better, but how does she move on?

She hates herself because of the actions of others, 

And so she contemplates on whether to end it all or not.