aghhhhh i woke up sick to my stomach... why must the universe torture me like this?
anyway i had a really freaky dream but i can't remember it </3 i'll update tumblr if i do
i figure that i should put a kind of warning, even though the content isn't particularly triggering... mentions of f4uxc3st and stuff. and if you don't want to read a slightly depressive and introspective ramble, please just don't read it. thank you :)
i'm starting to think that my interest in f4uxc3st is spread primarily from the fact that i'm the youngest sibling of four. i suppose i just always felt like i've never gotten enough attention nor time alone with my thoughts, let alone talking to other people who i can share my thoughts and feelings with.
that and the feeling of being the youngest always made me wish i was older. the way i've always kind of forced myself into acting older than i am to connect with people who would actually understand me. i've always wanted to protect someone, to be an older sibling, but i've also never gotten the real experience of being treated to an actual childhood.
being autistic certainly hasn't helped that either. it's just forced me to feel ostracized from others and want a deeper connection to the people who are supposed to be closest to me.
or maybe i just think that it's hot! who knows??? and also i'm super mentally ill and have basically no concept of right and wrong beyond the basics!!