Spilled Writing - Blog Posts

For years, I’ve tucked away the thirst to create in the deepest corners of my heart. I squeezed it into the corner until it grew cobwebs and dust; until it became lost under the mess of my unstructured days; until it became nothing but wishing thinking of who could I be.

Coming into a new city made me feel small. Honestly, I still feel small and an untalented mess as days fly by.

Why can’t I be as outgoing and creative as the others?

Why can’t I be as smart?

Then, I realized, it’s not that I can’t. It’s that I don’t allow myself to.

I love plans. I love creating plans. I love planning what to do. I love listing my plans. Until I woke up one day that plan is all I’ve ever done.

It’s about time I start doing. It’s about time I come back to my first loves. It’s about time I clear the cobwebs and dust covering my thirst to create. It’s time I allow myself to try even if I’m unsure of what to do. It’s about time I grow and leap.

my sunflower

i looked at you through the cracked screen of my phone. through the cracked and pixelted, you were beautiful: an angel, in my eyes.

you lauged lightly, a mellifluous sound, as i made a joke about one of your multiple ex-girlfriends.

you continued to blab about your current "love inerest" that would probably end within the span of 3-10

crack

the sound of my fragile heart tearing echoed in my ears and inreased slightly more with each word you uttered. it would never be fully-broken, never be fully-healed

always continuing the slow, agonizingly painful, ceaseless torture - like the nightmare that re-occurs every night: you're there, i'm running and running, sweat dripping, thighs burning, flushed face, but i can't seem to move an inch can't seem to get my feet off the ground.

i keep the smiling demeanor on for you.

so i don't worry you

so you're not confused,

so you'll continue to talk to me without any hesitations,

so you won't bother asking why i'm hurting so much inside,

it's all for you

i listen as you talk about her, not realizing that you are chipping pieces off of me second by second, like i'm merely a clay piece for you to play with and abandon once you're done, yet you keep coming back for more, you can't seem to let go.

my smile falters once you end the call saying that your mom called you - probably to set the table or something.

a deep sigh escapes my mouth and the corners of my mouth turn down into a frown.

sluggishly crossing the room, i grab the hoodie; your hoodie, merely a piece of fabric, yet it means so much more to me than you could possibly imagine.

after being repeately washed, it still had that faint smell: you - you, you , and nothing but you.

i slipped the sweater over my head and through my arms - the hoodie fell to about my mid-thigh.

the aroma filled up my senses completely, i felt drunk on you, intoxicated with just the mere scent of you.

i craved for you to be near me, to hold me, to talk about me like you actually want me, and need me - like i need you

The turmoil inside me has begun to settle

That should be a good thing

But now I just feel empty

As if the war inside of me has accepted its defeat

But has not lost hope

I see in your eyes your love for her

And your curiosity of me

I feel in your touch the “what if” of taking it further

The want to do it again

But now I’m wondering if I’ve become an experiment

If these feelings are worth pursuing

Or if the only time I am worthy of your affection

Is when we both have something to blame it on

- It’s not real if we aren’t sober

Eyes like islands in the ocean

The waves of your iris pulling me in

A rip current that can’t be escaped

Sailing toward the whirlpool of your pupil

Drowning in your soul

-These Windows Are Dangerous

And then, just like that, we became strangers to each other.

4 a.m. thoughts, words better left unsaid

They say the truth will set you free, So why am I still here?

God If You Are Above by Falling In Reverse

Maybe we are all crazy, that’s why we search for love in places it can never be found.

4 a.m. thoughts

Like Phases of the Moon

To my parents I am waxing and To my sister I am waning To many I am new, unseen and mysterious. Never do I fully show myself to those around me…only to those I deem worthy, If I present to you in my full glory you must know you are special, you have been chosen to seem me as I am. I am a complex web of something quite simple, built to forever stand out in space amongst the many planets who demand majority’s attention Overlook but not underestimated, I am like the moon. -For the Outcasts

sorry

My words might be beautiful, but they are empty

Devoid of soul, devoid of feelings, a low hanging fantasy

I use it as traps, trying to catch strangers' hearts

Trying to cram those pieces into my chest, hoping mine would start

My hands are so red, I have crossed too many lines

Does my guilt absolves me? Do I still have the right to call this pain mine?

As my self-made ghosts roam around this false cemetery,

As my body sinks with the weight of the burden I chose to carry,

Can I still forgive myself before this imaginary coffin turns real?

For all the wounds I've inflicted, for all the wounds I never learned to heal.

It is my tragedy to have you as my enemy

Once upon a time, you loved me dearly

Sweeter than I prefer until it turned bitter

Everything soured, words could've been phrased better

But once a year, like an eclipse, we'll be back

Trying to touch those hands, tiptoeing around the cracks

You'd pour salt in my wounds and I'd offer you a smile

It is my tragedy, to have a taste of you for a while.

Farewell

Untie your hands, love, use your feet

Let go of my waist, dance to your own beat

It will be clear, if only you'd wipe away your tears

For your happiness, I'd go and face my fears

The wind in my sails, we're at your stop

Promise me I'll at least be in your map.

I knew I loved you then, but I didn't tell

You've only fallen and I wasn't well

Cold, cold days with arms wrapped mine

Flowers were wilting, and you're looking for a sign

I want to be better, you want me to be yours

I keep screaming, screaming 'till my voice is hoarse

But you didn't know, didn't know 'cause you were deaf and blinded

I was paralyzed, trying to be found, you're lost, we're both stranded

I was rage, you were kindness, we made a home out of lies

Second chances, third ones, a promise that flies

A pair of wings growing while one withers away

I will never deserve you, I didn't ask for you to stay.

Sunset

I take off the hatred, take off the love

Until I am empty, breathless and numb

And I lay beside you, under the stars

We're kids again, ignorant of the wars

Yet your hand, I can no more hold

You used to radiate warmth, now it's cold

And I expect you to recount my mistakes, where I went wrong

But all I could hear is a familiar melody, you're humming our song

So I reach out and laces our fingers, this is not the end

We're just two kids with broken hearts, we could start again.

Betrayal

One eye blind, one bright and clear

Both swimming with doubts, both filled with fear

One hand with gun, one gripping yours

Both bloody and bruised, both aching with force

Your lips on my ears, whispering the same words again and again

Telling me you're sorry, to pick up the pen

But the one's not holding mine, clutches a sword

And blood flows through my mouth instead of words.

Innocence Lost

My heart clenches as if it can still feel

Can still discern what's right, what's real

But I know better, it was torn

The day it fell for you, I was reborn

I can still feel the phantom beating

I can still hear the echoes of footsteps receding

The day it fell for you, I was reborn

That was the last day in my sleeve, it was worn.

Destiny

I hide behind these walls, I hide away my soul

Yet one look from you I fall, one look and you stole

What was never mine and has always been yours

You're good, you're good, I whisper as it gets worse

We're not meant to be, you made me happy

We're not meant to be, a footnote in your story

We're not meant to be, all I want is an apology

We're not meant to be, please tell me why you left me.

Delusion

My fingers graze your skin

And my heart beats loud and fast

A flinch, and a step back

The scene shatters in a flash

I blink my eyes open

As sunlight filters to my room

And I reached for your side

To be met with empty sheets

It is a beautiful day

But I close my eyes, letting myself drift

To the land of dreams

Back to you again.

Defeated

I was running when you found me

With my heart filled of thorns and your head crowned with daisies

In the field of dandelions we met

Your tired eyes looked at mine with regret

With petals in my hands, and yours filled with blood

We part ways, losing what we never have.

Hoping

I wonder if I flit through your mind

If there are times you still try to find

Me, in those songs, those places

If in your life, I left some spaces

For you part me with a void, an aching in my soul

The face I look for in the crowd, the name I try to howl

Or maybe you don't even remember

The girl you've given a hasty farewell that chilly December.

Ruthless

My heart aches as you walk near

You, who've once taken everything I held dear

You have some nerve to come to me

When you made certain to ruin who I could be

Are you here to gloat, parade your victory?

I want to go, but you won't set me free

And I'm tired, I have nothing left to give

I wish you wouldn't come back once you leave.

Deny

We're here again, stuck in the same place

With flames in my eyes, tears streaking through your face

I can see the tension you carry, the way your shoulders sag

All I did was raise your red flags

I can't be your hero, can't love you the way you want me to

So why won't you go, why not leave too?

Why won't you fight? You deserve someone better

Don't weigh yourself down with me, I'm a monster

Believe what you believe, but I can't be, I can't be better.

Mute

My pen glides through the paper as I bleed you out

The ink tells what I can't speak through my mouth

It seems I lost my voice since you left

Not does it matter, with me, you're always deaf

I beg for you to stay, I plead for just another minute

But you're hellbent on tearing my heart, blowing it to bits

Yet you say there's nobody crueler than I

When you didn't even think twice when you said goodbye.

I float, empty, a husk

In solitude, I bask

Don't let me, don't let me drown

Fill this void and anchor me down.

I watch the pebble skips in the water

As my heart flips, flips, flips

The ghost of your touch, my knees waver

And I weep, weep, weep.

Sisters

I smile as I lift my phone up high

It was one of those nights that don't make me wish to die

There was singing and teary eyes

As the laughter echoes, and we're free of lies

And for the first time since I can remember

I slept with thoughts of getting better

For them with my side

I can do anything, I can try.

Lies

I was watching the moon up in the sky

As I sat up and sigh

I told the stars I'm letting you go

That it hurts, but I have to grow

I hope the whispered message reaches you

I forgive you and I'll learn to forgive myself too

Though I know I'll miss you forever

I accepted that things end, connections sever

And I wish, I wish someday when we meet

I can smile and say I'm happy without lying through my teeth.

Why

I can hear your laughter echo in my head

I can feel the love I wish to raise back from the dead

Your footsteps recede, you turn your back

I whimper and stare, still in shock

For even if I knew you're gonna leave

That we run out of stories to weave

My fragile heart can't still accept it

That it'll no more flutter to your smile, it won't no longer beat.

Sleeping woefully to awake and relive it.

You used to wrap your arms around me on nights like this

Whisper in my ear

You tell me none of it is real.

I roll over to an empty bed and colder hands

My knees scrape the ground thinking about you giving someone else the name that was supposed to be mine

I fear you're wrong this time.

I keep the door unlocked in case you change your mind

I wait for your silhouette everynight.

Your reflection, a cradle of false promises.

- A.L

Frauenherz

Cro sagt er glaubt gott sei ne frau

Aber es ist ein mann das weiß ich ganz genau

Wär ers nicht

Gäbe es mehr licht

Mehr licht an den dunkelsten orten

Und mehr Wahrheit in worten

Mehr Gerechtigkeit auf dieser welt

Und das ende ist nicht so tief wenn man fällt

Es geht nicht so viel schief wenn man sich stellt

Und ein Reichtum an liebe statt an geld

-B.I

Enough?

Can you miss something you never had

Or is it just the feeling, that makes you sad

Every time you think about

the great moments you’ve left out.

You’re saying you were too scared

And not prepared

You had Too much doubt

And Too much to care about

But that shit holds you back

And leaves u with a ship wrack

So she packed her backpack

And started trying new things

Hoping its the feeling of joy, it bings.

Step by step getting closer

But one step further and it shows her

Again the face of the clown

Making her drown

showing it all was a joke

And had nothing to do with hope

Its like the creepy box

Its not the friendly music that shocks

Its the red big smile jumping in her face

Showing her all the disgrace and the hate

Thinking its her fate

To be always late

And get the last piece from the plate

Just the feeling of not getting enough

that made her so tough.

-B.I