Suicudal - Blog Posts

The many stages of depression: (TW)

Depression is one of those feelings that a lot of people have experienced at least sometimes in their lives. It is quite correct to state that everyone at one point in their life have been through it or will go through it. Some get depressed more than others; it could be due to environment, abuse, loss, bullying, mental disorders, stress, poor health, etc.

It is something widely experienced but not widely explained. The mystery of why depression happens to certain people can boil down to their psychological state but should not be considered the single parameter for its existence. Depression like cancer can happen to anyone regardless of any amount of money, status, love or psycological wellness they have. And like Cancer you can't just tell someone with depression to just ignore it or say they are overreacting.

As someone who goes through bouts of seasonal depression and lives in a place where depression is not even considered "real". I have broken down depression according to personal experience into 5 stages.

I am not a medical professional ( I do want to become a psychologist) or someone who can give advice on this topic. But as a patient of depression for around 2 years I can give a little insight into it. Just because I said there are 5 stages doesn’t mean it has to be these stages only, or in the same order.

Here it goes:

1. Anger: just like the stages of grief I always thought the 1st step towards depression starts with anger. It could be outbursts, sudden rage, irritation, annoyance, physical reactions such as intensive urge to kick or punch something (I always have days when I want to burn buildings down and kill my classmates). These reactions can be due to the sudden change in mentality we get before full blown depression kicks in. When we just hate every thing. Everything is stupid. Everyone is being annoying. One of our 1st reactions to anything upsetting is to be mad about it. Depression is not an exception. Anger is where you start. When you start to blame everything around your for causing the pain you are going through. This stage is very important, it is always good to take out your anger before it becomes too much. During this stage I am at my peak of annoyance and can be diabolical.

2. Paranoia: the stage that continues what anger started. This is when realisation kicks in that something is wrong in your mind. You can become paranoid of everything around you. Why is my friend ignoring me for 5 minutes? Why did my parents became quiet when I walked in? Why does it feel like someone is watching me? Why can’t I trust anyone? This is when you are at your peak in terms of insanity. I have been in this stage for the most part of my depressive episodes. Especially as an intuitive, paranoia can be disturbing and harmful to your mental health. It makes you question silly things that don’t even matter for the sake of increasing your blood pressure and start to isolate you from social life. That’s where stage 3 will come

3. Withdrawal: not the withdrawal due to addiction. This is when you start isolating yourself from others. Paranoia put the seed of doubt in your mind about people and how you don’t want them to be near you. People can be a problem sometimes. And this stage is just what being isolated means. This is also the stage people are the most familiar with, because it is often what depression is portrayed as: isolating yourself from other humans as way to build a wall to protect yourself from what paranoia caused. During this time I stop taking calls from my friends, family, anyone. I stop messaging or replying. I often stopped eating with family or having lunch at school with my friends. As an introvert this stage isn’t even that hard, but there is a difference between the choice of isolating yourself because you don’t like to be around strange people and the want to isolate from people you care about.

4. Sadness: the most well known stage of depression, some people mistake it for the definition of depression, which is so wrong. After isolating yourself, you become vulnerable. This is that stage of vulnerability and mostly when people start to have negative thoughts (suicidal thoughts). Sadness itself can’t be explained that well, other than that it leads negativity, hopelessness and the lack of interest in anything cheerful. When I get into this stage, my depression is the most apparent to other people. This is when my mom steps in and ask if things are wrong. And I say #fine when I am so not. Sadness can manifest in tears, coldness, increased self awareness, intrusive and harmful thoughts etc. This is one of the hardest and longest stages to overcome. Yet not as harmful as the next one…

5. Numbness: let me deep breathe before this……this is the most dangerous stage of depression. Every stage before this one had some sort of emotion in it. Anger, paranoia, withdrawn, sadness. But Numbness is the lack of any emotion that can be experienced, even negative ones. You lose all your hope. All your wishes and goals. Everything becomes a barren wasteland of nothingness. The lack of emotions is the worst thing that can happen to you. Just like how you die when your heart stops beating, having numbness to emotions will as in many cases lead to death. Unfortunately, this is the stage when most suicides take places. The inability to have any interest in life and getting overwhelmed from the fact you stopped living the moment you stopped feeling. Have I been in this stage? Yes. But since I am alive there must be a way out of it.

When I said 5 stages of depression, it was meant for those who sadly ended their lives because of it. Stage 6 is for those who made it out alive.

6. Acceptance: again like the stages of grief Depression ends with acceptance. Accepting your problems (I am the problem it's me!), accepting yourself as a problem, accepting help from people who care for you and accepting the little hope left deep down. If you made it to this stage, you are capable of doing anything you want.

Note: You are worth it! (Can't believe I AM saying this) And if you are going through depression or anything related to that, remember that one of reasons to stay alive is to pull revenge on all the people you hate. Maybe in future you can show your haters that the reason they hate you is beacuse of how strong willed you are. You don't have to prove your talents. You don't have to accomplish things to justify your existence. You are here for nobody but yourself. Be selfish, be a bitch and live out the best life there is.

Tw: Failed Suicide attempt, Suicidal thoughts, Self harm (hinted), Abuse of Power, Psych Wards, Implied other forms of Abuse, Severe Mental Illness, Forceful Medication (Mentioned)

My time in the mental hospital wasnt fun. Of course no ones reallly is but regardeless. It wasn‘t necessarily the worst, but i have some horror stories. Like when an adult patient came into the childrens ward becuase he was „still in highschool“ and was loudly argued with and then had to be dragged out by the police. Or when i got put in the bad corner for tapping on the wals during quit time and then when i asked for a pen and paper to write down my feelings ,a coping mechanism we had just talked about in group, i was denied and then was left becuase someone else started having a breakdown and asked to be moved to the other mental illness timeout corner so i was less likely to hurt myself ,literally taking initiative and attempting to do the best for my own mental health, and was then called attention seeking for bothering someone when my fellow patient was having a breakdown (the guy who i was asking permission from was just sitting at a desk). What i hated the most was the fact that i wasn’t allowed to say goodbye to anyone because they took me away during quiet time and when i started arguing they threatened to keep me for another week. Sure i have more stories, there was a nine year old who was both suicidal and homicidal, but guess What? She was nice. She had to be put on paper only gowns, lived in the white room, had to be forcefully fed meds, and had been to that specific hospital 5 times alone, and she treated me with more compassion then any of the nurses did. We were friends, i helped her draw, and she confided in me terrible things she had not told anyone about her home-life because i treated her like a human. I never saw her again. The point to this, above all else, is that this system doesn’t work. I felt just as suicidal as I had before but now I was more scared to tell the truth about that because I didn’t want to go back. The people in power have no one to check that they are actually helping and the patients become inmates more often then not. And I know that ill try and commit again, and i hope to god that i‘ll succeed, because i can not go back there again.

In honor of suicide prevention month, here goes my story. When i was 8, i decided I'd had enough. My sister stopped talking to me, i had lost my favorite person, my friends left me, and my parents didn't care. I tried remaining happy, to please my parents and my teachers.But then my third grade teacher started yelling, I'd flinch and cry. And when my fourth grade teacher yelled and said I'd disappointed her, i cowered behind a locked restroom door. And then, at the ripe age of ten, i tried to die. I figured, what was the purpose? He was dead, she left me, i was alone with time to spare. So I grabbed a kn!fe and i ¢ut my arm. And it didn't bleed and i was mad. I was mad it didn't bleed, so i ¢ut again. Eventually, i found it addicting. Every time i would ¢ut deeper until one day, i found no amount of ¢uts would satisfy me. So instead of wanting to feel something, i didn't want to feel at all. So by the beginning of spring when i was twelve, i was overd0$ing. Any kind of p!lls i could take, i did. But when i couldn't feel anything at all, i met someone. She lit up my days and i loved her smile, and the way she aligned and how she spoke. So i followed her around, like a lost puppy looking for its owner. But when i told her i loved her she became distant. I loved her with everything i had and i thought we would grow up together. I was wrong. By early October of the year following, she left. I cried and yelled until my voice went hoarse. I spent a week without talking. I took a trip and met my niece and said i would live for her, i would live so i could show her the world when she grew up. But when i got back home my walls were painted a light shade of gray, and my sheets were missing, and all the p!lls were gone, and i couldn't find a single fucking kn!fe. I was fine up until then. But then my parents started to try to fix me. And then, i came out. And i thought it would be fine but i think it was never okay with them. So i shut my door and blared my music, and anyone who dared to open the door would have to leave. The Sunday after i came out my mom tried taking me to church to "help me feel better" and i denied. Then she tried pulling my arm towards the car while i was screaming and hitting and crying and i couldn't stop. When i finally wrenched my arm free i went to the only room in the house with locked doors and hid in the closet. I went back into my closet to breathe. And then i heard pounding on the door and locked myself in the closet, wishing and hoping she wouldn't get in. But she did. And i tried to calm down but she wouldn't let me, and she was telling and i could tell she was crying but not out of love or sympathy or pitty, but of anger. And then she called my dad to calm me down because she was "busy". But as i was calming down she walked by the door. I didn't have to look to know it was her because i could hear the pattern of her steps in the hardwood floor and i was afraid. I started to get angry but i couldn't move because my dad was holding me back. So i did the only thing i could do and i yelled. I yelled for her not to touch me. And i yelled for her to go away. And i yelled and yelled until my dad was shushing me and the dog was barking and the birds were screeching but i didn't care. A child shouldn't have to memorize the sound of their parents footsteps. A child shouldn't know how to ¢ut. A hidl shouldn't have to feel like if they couldn't please their family they were worthless. A child shouldn't have to worry about being safe in their house. A child shouldn't have to yell and fight to get away from their parents. I was seven when childhood ended.