The Bachelor Episode 2 - Blog Posts

The Bachelor - Episode 2 Recap

The smoke has finally cleared from the battle of that first fateful night in Bachelor Mansion. We begin week two on Farmer Chris’ journey to find love. Last week left with a bit of a cliffhanger, as one rejected contestant Kimberly refused to take no for an answer and marched herself right back into the mansion. How will this play out? Let us observe…

We open with an establishing shot of the mansion at night, though we all know that party raged on until dawn’s early light. Dramatic music plays over the champagne toast as all the women see Kimberly re-enter the room. She and Chris duck out to have a quick chat. The rest of the women sit down in their formalwear to discuss what could be happening.

“Can we just talk for even a few minutes? I just refuse to walk away from this so easily,” Kimberly implores Chris. He walks away to talk to Chris Harrison about his play here.  As all the women, particularly Dance Kaitlyn, say how much they hope she does not stick around, they walk back into the room hand in hand. Chris tells the other women that thanks to Kimberly having the nerve to come back and ask him for a second chance, he’s giving her just that. She’s back. And the women are displeased.

But the sun must rise on a new day. Chrarrison gathers the women after breakfast for the first pow-wow. He announces that Chris is living right down the driveway in the guest house and that it is in their best interest to “create time, find time, make the most of your time” with Chris. There are no rules. And with that, Old Chrarrs leaves the first group date card.

Jade, Kendra, Ashley S., Mackenzie, Kimberly, and Tara will be going on a date where they will have to “show [him] their country”. The fact that Kimberly is on the first group date has ruffled some feathers, but I think it’s smart. He didn’t get to talk to her on night one, so he wants to talk to her and get to know if there’s a match there as soon as possible.

“I’m more Kardashian than I am country,” Ashley I. tells us of the date. But she needn’t worry too much because the first half of the date is a rooftop pool party.

“I feel so lucky to have my first date with my future husband,” says Tara which seems right that she is the first one to invoke that psycho “future husband” talk.

The first side conversation is between Chris and Kimberly. To have a complete fresh start, Chris walks around the corner to pretend they are meeting for the first time. He and Kimberly seem to be sweet people and have a good time. I feel like this was a good choice by him, especially considering some of the crazies that are there.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion…Jillian the News Producer and Megan sneak down to Chris’ house to explore and snoop. Jillian’s bikini bottom is so small that her butt is censored by a black bar for this entire adventure. Megan appears to be either touched, drunk, or a combination of the two as she puts on his motorcycle helmet and rams her head into the walls and the fridge to make sure it’s safe. So let’s put those two on our Crazy Radar and keep tabs.

Although the girls have enjoyed the pool party, they seem confused by it. They were told to “show your country” and as yet, nothing country has happened. So the producers have Chris lead all six women down the streets of LA in naught but their bikinis and shoes to, what else, a tractor pull.

So just to be clear: they walked down the public streets nowhere near the beach in their bikinis and now are going to be tractor racing in their bikinis which is not only exploitative but honestly sounds super painful and not very sanitary. I’ll bet someone show’s their “country”. There’s a whooooole lot of “country” about to be shown.

Tara is obviously thrilled out of her Florida mind and is hungry for a win. Chris is toeing this strange line between simple-sweet and secret perve for me. He really has all the personality of a field of soybeans.

The tractors take off! And they go very, very slowly. This is a source of great comedy for everyone involved. The race drags until finally Ashley I. pulls ahead to win the whole thing and some special one-on-one time with Chris.

As the women left behind eagerly await the next date card, we get a check in from Juelia who has such massive veneers she cannot speak properly with them. Juelia has a daughter named Ireland, and reveals that she was married to Ireland’s father. Her husband committed suicide right after the birth of their daughter. It’s super emotional. Someone asks if she knew he was struggling, and she replies “Yeah but I didn’t understand…I just feel so bad that I didn’t understand.” She’s crying a whole lot because of course she is. The other women are very supportive and sympathetic to her. Alright Juelia, now I’m totally on your side. You have had it ROUGH and you deserve to have great love again. What an emotional interlude to have right after a bikini-clad tractor race though.

 On the group date, we don’t get to see any of the one-on-one conversation with Ashely I. except to show how upset the rest of the women are that they are left alone. Chris is very uncomfortable with this whole situation of managing six women at once. When they come back from their chat, Chris asks Mackenzie to spend the rest of the night as a one-on-one with him, leaving the group date rose behind.

The other women are PISSED that their time is cut short, but they also think it’s sweet that he pulled Mackenzie aside because he recognized how nervous and shy she was. Tara is heartbroken and about to cry. Ashley I. feels “jipped” that she didn’t get the rose after winning the race. But that rose has not been handed out yet, and that means Mackenzie still might not get it. He might realize that she is a CHILD with a CHILD and not right for him. Her hair is also such a hot mess.

They’re at a posh bar called Escondite in LA which is out of the comfort zone for both of them. This leads immediately to a bit of discomfort that never quite leaves the whole conversation. Mackenzie observes that he once had his ears pierced, and he laughs saying “no one has ever noticed it before!” Which seemed like a good, kind of quirky start but then she starts in with, “Wanna know something crazy? Well not crazy, just kinda weird?” And she explains that her absolute, most important factor in a man’s attractiveness is a prominent nose. She does this while giggling and it’s very sweet and complimentary, I think. But in his talking head, Chris does not seem very amused or flattered. He thinks she’s weird. Go tell it to the wheat thresher, Soules.

The strangeness doesn’t stop there though. Mackenzie then asks,“Do you believe in aliens?” Chris stammers and flounders for words. Come ON, dude.

“The fact that she’s talking about aliens on a first date does raise a few red flags for me,” he tells the camera.  Does it, Chris? Does the fact that on a first date she’s not talking about marriage and her five year plan raise some red flags? I would so much rather talk about aliens than any of that on a first date. PS – ALIENS ARE REAL. IF YOU BELIEVE IN THE BASIC LAWS OF SCIENCE AND THE FACTS OF OUR KNOWN UNIVERSE, THEY ARE REAL. DON’T BE SUCH A DICK ABOUT IT, FARMBOY.

What is eating away at Mackenzie is that she hasn’t yet told Chris that she has a son. It’s making her nervous and coloring the conversation. She finally gets it out that she has a son named Kale, and he is very sweet about it. Of course he is; he can’t viscerally react to her being a single mom. She shows him a picture of him on her phone. He puts up with that as best as anyone can, “Oh wow he is so cute.”

But I guess that does the trick to convince Chris to give her the rose. She’s stoked out of her mind. They dance a little at the bar. I’m unimpressed. I think he didn’t see a real solid reason to send her home, so he kept her. We’ll see. He kissed her a bunch on the date too.

The second date card has arrived! Megan is going on the first one-on-one date that reads “Love is a natural wonder”. She does not initially understand that it’s a date card and not a love note. Of course though, because who isn’t familiar with the long, storied history of love notes being passed around willy-nilly on the Bachelor?

Megan, a makeup artist, is wearing a metric ton of makeup. She and Chris hop right into a stretch limo to be whisked away in a private jet to Las Vegas. They then step immediately into a HELICOPTER! YES! THE COPTERS ARE BACK! THE COPTERS ARE BACK ON THE FIRST ONE-ON-ONE! They take a helicopter tour of Las Vegas and the Hoover Dam and the Grand Canyon.  They land for dinner in the middle of the Grand Canyon. They sit down on a picnic blanket by the river and Chris cheers to “the most beautiful blue eyes in North America.” Ok, Chris, we're laying it on a little thick here I think. You truly don't have to try so hard with these women.

Megan launches immediately into the harrowing tale of how right before she was supposed to come on the show, her dad suffered a massive heart attack and died. She is detailed in how terrible his death was too which is FUN. Chris eats it all up and is even more into Megan than he was in the copter. Chris gives her the date rose easy-peasy because he is super into Megan. They make out. Duh.

The final group date card arrives at the mansion! Kelsey, Trina, Alyssa, Tracy, Jillian, Becca, Amber, Ashley S., Juelia, Kaitlyn, and Brit are on the date card that reads “Till death do us part”. The girls are creeped out but intrigued by that missive. It’s dark as the two stretch limos arrive to some abandoned warehouse. They are thoroughly creeped as things start sneaking around the limos and banging on the windows. I know it’s a total slam dunk to watch other people be scared via pranks, but it is a slam dunk for good reason. Watching those girls scream bloody murder and pile on top of each other in the back of that limo is hysterical.

Turns out it’s just Chris you guys!!! Who would’ve guessed! They all giggled upon realizing it was just their hunky farmer man. They are going zombie paintballing. Most of the girls are stoked, but you will never guess who is deeply confused. It’s Ashley S. She is deeply confused about the fact that she’s not shooting any of her teammates.

“Look, do not put any kind of weapon in Ashley’s hand. I don’t care if it’s a fork or a paintball gun, she shouldn’t even be holding a wet noodle,” warns Kaitlyn. And I agree. I wasn’t sure about you Kaitlyn, but that’s some solid gold advice.

This date looks super fun to me and it looks like the women have a ton of fun. Ashley S just walks through a crowd of zombies completely calm, cool and collected. It is truly like a scene from a horror movie. She shoots many of the already dead zombies (played by real humans) at point blank "just to be sure."

“I feel like I’m in the, um, the um, Mesa Verde,” Ashley S says and then points her gun straight at the camera. She is amazingly insane. She is the kind of insane you don’t see every day, and I, for one, am glad she’s there. I am concerned, however, about her obvious mental instability and potential pill-popping problem.

I’m also concerned about Jordan the 24 year-old student who is constantly drunk and stumbling. At the mansion, she attempts to twerk against the wall much to Megan and Mackenzie’s chagrin. Jordan also talks at length about Jillian’s hairy asshole. So that’s real. This show is a national treasure.

Back at the cocktailing portion of the date, the women are trying and failing to understand Ashley S. “There are like angels, literally, in the candle,” she says and looks closely at it. She is an alien. Maybe that’s why Mackenzie asked! Because she knows something we don’t about Ashley S. being an alien trying to infiltrate our earthling culture!

Romance-wise, Chris and Kaitlyn have a really nice chat. Chris is very into her and her whole kooky vibe. They kiss a bunch but it’s very fish-lipped and gross. Chris is kissing a LOT, and he is not a good kisser.

What happens next with Ashley S. is one of the most insane things I’ve ever seen on this show. Her behavior is so bizarre and irrational it borders on terrifying. First she’s trying to explain something to the women and all she can say is “boom”, “that’s the truth”, and “that’s how I feel.” And no amount of further questioning gets her to explain. Then she goes off to talk to Chris and he is being as diplomatic as possible as he asks her questions and she either completely doesn’t respond or whispers something quickly.

She suggests they play hide and seek because she originally said she wanted to hide, but her alien computer told her that’s not normal. They go for a little walk and she asks Chris if he a) knows where they are b) has ever been there before c) knows if this is Mesa Verde  d) where is Mesa Verde. Guys, I’m not totally positive, but I think there’s some kind of extraterrestrial significance to Mesa Verde. I can’t legally tell you to go mine for unobtainium in Mesa Verde, but I’m saying it’s not a bad idea.

Even as Chris is giving an interview saying how strange she’s acting, Ashley S. approaches and interrupts the interview. “Your leather smells really great,” she slurs after some other things I honestly couldn’t make out. He pulls her aside to have a chat.

“How are you doing? Are you holding up ok?” he asks.

“I literally don’t even know what you’re asking,” Ashley S. replies.

“I’m just asking how you’re doing and if you’re holding up ok. It seems like you’ve got a lot on your mind,” Chris says gently. For what it’s worth, he’s being very patient with her, probably because he can tell something isn’t quite right.

“You don’t wanna lose the whole world. You wanna gain the whole world,” she says to him after he suggests she goes home and they get some one-on-one time tomorrow, “You don’t wanna lose your soul.”

“That’s…a fact,” he mutters. Starting at about 50 minutes into this episode on Hulu is when this all started going down, and I highly recommend taking a look because it is so bizarre. Like I said, and per the other women on the date, “she is obviously on some hardcore something.” And with that, she leaves. The final shot we get of her is her on her hands and knees talking to a stray cat who I assume is her alien overlord there to yell at her for blowing her cover so bad.

Moving right along to Britt, Chris and she pick right up where they left off. The chemistry is intense and you can tell they already like each other so much. Chris gives her a card for one free kiss because he is a teenage boy and thinks that’s the height of romance. It’s not, but Britt loves the gesture.

Ultimately, the date rose goes to Kaitlyn. Britt is a little disappointed, but I’m not surprised that he gave it to Kaitlyn. She’s got a hold on him.

The final cocktail party begins with the usual nerves from the women who didn’t get date time with Chris this week. Emotions are officially invested, so the stakes are high right away. Whitney wanted to make a good impression and stand out so she set up a mini-date on the patio. She gives him a bottle of his favorite whiskey and they share a drink together. It is understated but memorable and a very smart move on her part.

Then a huge knowledge bomb gets dropped on us. Ashley I., Mackenzie, and Megan are all talking and Ashley I. drops that not only has she never had a boyfriend, but she is a virgin. Mackenzie is SO jazzed about finding that out. She is jealous and thinks it will make sure that Ashley I. sticks around for a long, long time.

“No he will like it, all guys like it because guys like taking your virginity,” Mackenzie implores to her. “You’re super pretty. You’re really intelligent, and you’re a virgin. Oh my god you’re so lucky,” she squeals.

Her reaction is a little intense, but I feel like it’s the absolute best Ashley I. could’ve hoped for. With the courage given her by Mackenzie, Ashley I. goes forth to have one-on-one time with Chris. She starts off by telling Chris that she has a magic lamp belly-button ring, and that throughout her time there, he gets three wishes. “Do you want your first wish tonight?” she asks. He asks for a kiss and she makes him rub her belly button ring. Gross. But they starting making out, and I mean, making out like on top of each other and heavy petting right in front of all the other women.

This is also a key piece of information given what Chrarrison told us during the very beginning of the premier last week. Ashley I. is going to make it all the way to the fantasy suites unless there's another virgin running around. Spoiler alert, Chrarrs! But now I'll be interested to see how this plays out. Ashley I. certainly hasn't been a real front-runner, but we need to take her bid seriously.

The kissing reaches such a point that the other women already start their jealousy pangs and jealousy tears. Britt is particularly upset. But for others it just encourages them to go for it. Amber kisses him. And when Jordan gets wind of that, she goes on the warpath to kiss him. She’s wasted as usual and really puts off Chris by just talking about kissing the whole time rather than letting it happen naturally because she’s wasted and that’s how drunk logic works.

And with that, the Chris’s go away to decide on the cuts for the group.

So who’s in? The roses go out to the following ladies.

Britt, Ashley I., Trina, Kelsey, Samantha, and then he calls Juelia who is standing behind Jillian who thinks he calls her name. When Jillian realizes her mistake she almost slips and completely goes down on the carpet. She laughs really loudly and overcompensates for how embarrassed she feels about both parts of that. So, Juelia gets the rose. Then back on track with the roses going out to Amber, Tracey, Jillian, Jade, Nikki, Becca, Carly, Whitney, and ASHLEY S. GETS THE LAST MOTHER LOVIN’ ROSE OF THE NIGHT. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I CANNOT. I mean I can because the producers probably begged him to keep her, but still. I can’t wait to see more of her antics.

This means Alissa, Jordan, Tara, and Kimberly are going home. I feel bad for Kimberly because it really hurts to get rejected by the same guy twice. She is really sweet and a complete bombshell of a woman, so I think love might be just around the bend for her. Tara is sobbing to be leaving. Girl, you’ll be fine. Go back to Florida. “It will haunt me for the rest of my life,” she weeps. Um, no it won’t. You just think it will but like all things in life, this too shall pass Tara.

See you guys next week for when Jimmy Kimmel shows up to help Chris go through some kind of Bachelor Bootcamp or some nonsense! Love!