Transblr - Blog Posts
y’know, i’ve been wondering. is it still considered trans if i use they/it/he? like, i am absolutely more masculine than feminine, but i wouldn’t really call myself trans. i identify as blankboy, but also lean a little more towards genderblank and genderfree, hence why he/him is my third preference. i’m genuinely curious about the technicalities, so if someone has any answers… :)
Okay you got me lying on my back… what comes next… 🥺😍
Reblog and DM for Nfsw content
Growing up both neurodivergent, and a trans girl (though I didn't know that part at the time) while also being athletic was a very weird experience.
I could gain social capital through being good at sports. People would see this weirdo kid that they would otherwise call a freak, but I threw a ball really good. So they didn't.
The better my stats were, the more of myself I was allowed to be.
It's a weird experience having a quantifiable measure of your social capital.
It's even weirder when it's gone and you don't know where you stand anymore.
I don't think anyone could have fully prepared me for how life changing it is to be interacting with people who genuinely see me as a woman. Not as a woman* or a feminine man or anything like that, just a girl.
The people I feel safest around are those who treat my existence as wonderfully unremarkable. I'm just a girl to them. A trans woman, not a transwoman type of deal.
Having experienced this really opened my eyes to just how much I had internalized that while I may be a woman, I'll never be woman. Which is some stuff that I still have to try hard to combat.
I wonder how many people were buried with the wrong names. Not due to their parents disrespecting their identity, but because they themselves didn't know that it was wrong.
They never got to learn who they were. They never got to see what life could have been like. Who they could have been. What they could have done if only the world had allowed them to explore.
How many more of us could there be. How many more of us are out there. Numb to the fact that they aren't truly living. How many will never realize.
Another day without HRT means another day of ✨️ 𝑫 𝒚 𝒔 𝒑 𝒉 𝒐 𝒓 𝒊 𝒂 ✨️
I bought my first 2 bras today 😎😎 all by myself!!!! Ive only tried one on so far but I like it so much!!! I'm sure this enjoyment will end at some point. All my femme friends say they haven't worn bras like their entire adult lives. So I'm sure they won't spark joy forever. But for now they do!
I came out to my brother tonight. It went fucking lovely. He was like "oh cool" and we talked about it for an hour while building the new Dungeons & Dragons Lego minifigs. I told him about my meds, how long I've been transitioning, who knows about it, etc. Lots of stuff. I almost started crying a few times, he was so fuckin sweet. "I'll love you no matter what. You can always come to me with things you need to talk about" stuff like that. It was perfect. I'm so glad I did it.
Next up - Mom and Dad.
Time to have a small cry and then sleep cause it's 4am. Night night friends
Haven't updated the transition timeline in quite a while. No huge changes or anything really. Nothing that screams at me to write. So let's update some small things I guess.
My tits are way bigger than they used to be! Like it's hard for me to boymode! Significantly harder!
I wore a "bra" for the first time and it felt great. A purple strappy lingerie piece I put on for my husband. First time wearing feminine under-wear that made me feel euphoric. I wore it again to a friend's place just to see how it'd feel and I tell you what that shit was uncomfy and I was happy to take it off despite how euphoric it made me.
I've been keeping my nails painted pretty regularly. I like blue. Pink or feminine colours make me panic and feel dysphoric, reason as of yet unknown.
Similarly, my hand/nail dysphoria has pushed me to continue growing my nails. They're getting long enough that I can probably cut them to shape and start taking care of them nicely. My husband LOVES how well I scritch and scratch every inch of him now. Though he wants me to shorten two in particular...
I'm gonna move in with my husband soon. Very excited!
He took me to a "fill-a-bag" event at a thrift shop today, we got a few new skirts, a purse, a wallet, two dresses, n some other stuff! Very excited.
I've never worn a dress before. For some reason they make me uneasy. Maybe because so many of them are shoulderless. My shoulders are wide and not something I wanna draw attention to. Idk. Whatever.
I havent come out to anybody new yet. Fucking annoying. I really wanted to before Christmas. But. Idk how. I'm struggling really hard to do it. It's such a good time. I need to.
I've found a cute hairstyle I like. It's literally just a ponytail tied at my neck. It let's loose hairs fall and frame my face. I like it when they do that. Makes me look like a disheveled mom if I let it go unkept for too long. But I enjoy looking like a mom.
Next appointment is in February. A ways away. It'll be 6 months on hrt. Fuckin crazy. I hope I get to up my dose. I love being like this. Sometimes makes me a lil crazy but it's okay because I have a human that loves me and understands. Very excited that we are transitioning together. He's the best.
Anyways. Night night friends.
I had a really poor depressing moment the other day. I was in such a poor state that for the first time in my life I decided, while sober, that I need to get drunk and high to deal with what I was feeling. My friends passed me while I was on the way to get some drinks at the convenience store. They saw me, for the first time in a really long time, dressed like a boy. And a really gross, depressed, visibly distraught boy.
It was kind of humiliating for me. I put so much effort into my appearance for them, but I didn't have the energy to do it that day and they just happened to see me at the lowest I have been in a very long time. It feels so embarassing. I'm gonna see them tomorrow. I just fuckin know I'm gonna spend at least an hour and a half stressing about my look for the event we're going to. I feel so humiliated.
When I started my transfeminine adventure I was mostly happy with how I dressed, I didn't care. I enjoyed dressing like Adam Sandler every day. Now I stress about outfits for hours before going out, and wearing my old clothes makes me sick to my stomach.
When I started my transfeminine adventure I enjoyed the way my hands looked. I enjoyed that they are scarred and covered in lines like utterly shattered glass. Now I'm exceedingly jealous of online hand models.
When I started my transfeminine adventure I didn't think about my skin, but now I worry about developing a habit of a skincare routine.
When I started my transfeminine adventure I enjoyed going out in public wearing my trans pride pin, but now I'm increasingly aware of the unwelcome stares I get - more than I've ever got in my life.
When I started my transfeminine adventure I wasn't so afraid.
I've had to boymode a few times in public lately. Fucking hate it. I've felt so safe being myself in my home town for the last few months but now if I wanna go outside in Toronto I need to boymode if want to feel even kind of safe. It makes me feel so gross and angry. Even putting on my tall boots and my trans pin make people look at me weird here. I fucking hate it.
I've been a nail biter my entire life. Tried to quit for years and years. It's silly.
Watched one video that started me on hand/nail dysphoria.
Haven't bitten my nails ever since then. Nails growing nicely. Never been this long my entire life. The video fuckin killed that habit. Insane.
I just finished painting my nails for the first time!! No tutorial, no nothing. The nail polish remover make me a little dizzy to be honest completely a bit. They don't look that good. But I'm happy. Maybe I'll decide to remove it all tomorrow before I go out.
I've been thinking more recently about wishing I had a big sister, or a motherly person to guide me through all this trans girl stuff. Someone I legitimately trust and who cares about my development as a girl, but can also teach me about this stuff and mentor me in it. I don't know. It's not really something I can search for. Just gotta wait until someone finds me.
Trans clue memory unlocked:
My whole 7th grade had to learn how to Swing dance. We all had opposite gendered partners to dance with, and kept the same partner as each Gym Class went by. The girls got these sweet coloured poodle print skirts to wear during the dance routines. I was jealous of them. I loved the poodle skirts. I didn't understand why I enjoyed them so much because wearing them was for girls, so they weren't for me. Clearly.
I'm stuck in a bit of a pickle at the moment. I've been a little kinda sorta completely fucking gutted by the election results. I feel so utterly saddened for 2SLGBTQIA+ people, BIPOC, women, people with disabilities who now have to live beneath that man's shadow.
Among the sadness is an ache.
An ache to do something. An ache to take action of some kind. I have no idea what kind yet, but I can't stop thinking about it. I am brewing. Do I mean to create something? I don't know yet. I'll figure it out. But I mean to do something.
Community.
I've been reading lately. A book called "How To Think Like A Woman," by Regan Penaluna. The book tells the author's personal memoir, as well as the stories of 4 Early-Modern philosophers (who were women). I'm not a particularly smart person, sometimes I needed to read a paragraph or even a passage multiple times to really 'get it,' but some things stuck with me.
These philosophers were steadfast in their beliefs that women were deserving of education, asylum from abusive husbands, that they shouldn't need to hide their sexuality, that they should be allowed to pursue their intellectual desires just as a man could. But in these demands they each were specific. These freedoms were not meant to enable selfishness in women, as they often did in men. They believed that these freedoms, for all people, also came with the duty to better one's community - to give back. That embracing the people, valuing the people, fostering each individual, would further the community.
This point of community is where I've been stuck all day long. We all need community right now. We need shoulders to cry on, we need friends to laugh with, we need wise folk to tell us what the fuck to do now.
I don't know what I'm going to do - or make - but community needs to be a central theme.
Queerness & Transness.
I also feel like I've created nothing inherently queer. I've abandoned writing for some years now, my projects are old. Older than my realizations about identity. Older than my epiphanies about transness. I want to do something fuckin' gay as hell. I want to pour energy into something that may in some small way counterbalance the hate being screamed into the universe, infecting the pretty space-dust that I wanted to use to highlight my blush. I want to create something that whispers with a forked tongue: "Fuck. You."
Fact or Fiction.
Will it be fact or fiction? Do I want to search for beautiful, real stories to tell and help spread them? Or do I want to create something entirely new? I'm not a documentary producer, but should I be? My heart is in crafting stories, but maybe it's time to set that aside for a while in order to spread true stories that inspire good and justice. Maybe I'd better stick to what I know and make something up.
Abilities // Restrictions.
I am one person. Alone I can write, but that is difficult without an idea. I have the tinder and plenty of firewood, but I need a fucking spark. Once I have the spark I can do more.
I'm a filmmaker, I produce and edit. That's what I enjoy doing best. Not shit I can do without the idea. So for now those sit on the backburner.
I also have a(n admittedly small) rolodex of lovely queer individuals who may also feel a little distraught at the moment. Might be time to meet with them to discuss working on... something?
Budget is zero. Don't know what the project is so right now necessary funds are also zero, which is great. But nobody's getting paid for whatever the fuck comes of this, unless I can be smart.
Ending For Now.
This is all I can bear to write and word-vomit for now. I have been so full of energy and stress thinking about this all day long. I needed to get my thoughts out. If you feel the same ache I do, if there's any way I can help you make your "Fuck. You." project, or if you want to contribute to mine, please DM me and I'll be so happy to discuss and talk.
Please be safe, please be there for your fellow human beings, please be good to each other.
Rant about feeling guilty about ranting.
Do you ever start to type a rant or a vent post and just... delete it all? "It's not worth making a fuss," or "you don't need to air your dirty laundry." Fuck. I want to just talk about my worries and frustrations without feeling upset with myself. I promise I'll actually post this one. I deserve to speak about my feelings, but sometimes it's hard to prioritize my own feelings over someone else's comfort. Stupid.
I visited a market yesterday and picked a card from the Tarot that a vendor had splayed out at her table. I tried for the card most hidden, and eventually picked the second of two cards that were stuck together.
I flipped it over for the witch manning the table. She read it aloud. "The Candelabra." She thumbed through the pages of a Tarot meanings pamphlet, and continued her reading. "This could mean Crossroads. A Junction. Paths. A Journey. Whatever that may mean to you."
I don't take much creed in the magical, but sometimes it's fun to indulge. And I wanted to indulge. I didn't speak of it, but to me 'Crossroads' meant the choice to come out to my family that night. To do it, or not to do it. 'A Journey' meant that I was ready to take the path. Ready to tell them what and who I am.
I was excited, to say the least. My parents had invited my Husband and I over to watch TV that night. My whole family would be there, it would be perfect.
But it wasn't. My husband and I got home after a big day at a local comic convention and we were exhausted. We fell asleep.
It's now 11 after midnight. The next day technically. I know that the Tarot has no real hold over my life and the path I take, but it feels like I missed the opportunity. I didn't tell my family. I missed my exit off the highway, and I'll need to wait for the next turnoff before I can circle back. I felt so ready but I'm not so sure anymore. I've felt so euphoric lately but now all I feel is dread.
Maybe I should give it some time. That readiness will come back soon.
I have my own Tarot deck at home. It may be time to open it up and do my own readings. Maybe it'll tell me the proper time to do it, or maybe I'll decide against whatever doomsaying it tells me and I'll do it anyway. Whatever. Sounds fun.
Any tips for personal tarot reading?
Wish I could have gone out for Halloween. Idk what I would have done, but it felt bad staying home and doing nothing. Wish I could have gone out with my husband. I wanna wear puppy makeup with my ears and paws and a tail (I don't have one of those yet). I saw so many other puppies posting to Tumblr, Twitter, discord, bluesky. Idk. Wish on the one day it was acceptable that I could have gone out and been a happy little puppy for a time.
Recently been struggling with very poor mood, sudden upsetedness (feels like a tantrum to me), etc.
Husband noted that all this started immediately after I doubled my dose of Estradiol. Good information to record.
Puberty was kinda okay for me the first time, this second ones gonna be a bitch.
I'm having a lot of really euphoric experiences lately huh? Last night after the meeting I got to spend my night getting drunk on wine and doing crafts with two friends. One NB who ive known some 2 years now, and one wonderful new friend.
We were making collage art with a twist – the collage is going to end up being a drinking boardgame in the end. Over the course of the night we had a bottle of rosé, another bottle of white wine, and 4 shots each of Kraken rum. We were sufficiently sloshed. (We put away the scissors for safety reasons after a certain point💜)
The collage making was very fun but it was never going to be the main event of the night. We had shit to DISCUSS. I hadn't seen my NB friend for some time, and their friend who I hope to get closer with is also so delightful to talk to. Work drama, life drama, cool stuff, bad stuff, sad stuff, we talked about everything.
I was so happy being with them. I'd never had something so personal but also casual like that before. We were just drinking and sitting around the room covered in a variety of blankets and shawls, and talking about the things that were bothersome or amazing and how we felt about it. We actually talked about our feelings and we didn't need to be breaking down mentally in order to do it. I've never talked to my friends about my feelings before. I was a boy. Boys don't do that. But now I'm not a boy and I'm not shackled like that anymore.
I stayed the night at my friend's house since I wasn't comfortable walking home on my own, and I didn't want the night to be over yet. I slept on a mattress on the floor next to my NB friend's bed, and I got a little emotional, we talked, and held hands. I'll never forget it. A simple gesture that told me "everything is going to be okay." No friend has ever done that for me. It's never even been a possibility that one of my past friendships would talk me through my feelings and clasp my hand in theirs throughout, telling me that I am loved. I'll never forget it. I love my friends so much.
If this is girlhood, and if this is what friendships with non-men is like, I'm so excited to meet more people. I might not drink as much next time though.
I had a fucking wonderful conversation with a Director who is a trans woman today.
I originally responded to an ad of hers looking for a transfem video editor for a documentary about trans people, but I was several months late. I specifically responded knowing I may not get the gig, but I wanted to work with her on this project that I felt was so important. It was important to me as a person developing a career in film, it was important to me as a trans girl hoping to engage and give to a community I want to be a part of, it was important that a project get made that could help people like me figure out what the fuck is going on with their identities.
So I waited for a response. Eventually one came. We set up a meeting for this afternoon, and the conversation we had was euphoric. I was so anxious and in my own head about the whole thing, but when it came time to talk, I felt like I was unapologetically myself while talking to her. I didn't need to mask, or change how I behaved for her. I just was. It felt wonderful. I've never had that with another person before, I think.
We talked about film work, trans experience, and MOTHERFUCKING TTRPGs!!!!!!!!! She called me "girl" in conversation and that was butterflies in my tummy. When I mentioned I was only 3 months on HRT she unashamedly and excitedly exclaimed that my chest was going to start hurting soon, and that lack of timidity about the subject was so fucking refreshing.
She mentioned how she enjoyed taking on the role of teaching younger trans people and being motherly. I added that my friends say that I'm the same way, but that I don't really have someone to be that way for me. It was a strange feeling to realize mid-conversation that I may need something like that at all. I never felt like I wanted a motherly force in my life, but maybe as I find myself in femininity that's something I need. My husband can only do so much to help me, and he's not exactly the posterchild for this sort of thing.
Nearing the end of our conversation, she told me to keep in touch and ask any questions if I need. But then she mentioned that we could go to get our nails done together sometime soon (I'd mentioned my experience with hand/nail dysphoria from a few days ago). I shut down. I stared at my screen through to her silently for a moment. I then stuttered, trying to answer. She asked if I was okay and if she overstepped any boundaries. I admitted that I needed a moment to restart my brain. Then I explained that I don't have any feminine friends to do "girl stuff" with. I've never been able to before. The idea excited me beyond belief. I said yes emphatically. I almost started crying a little, to be completely honest.
We said goodbye, and I closed the call.
Im doing a little tiny cry now, I feel so fucking good. I feel so proud of myself for trying for this and sticking with it. Proud of myself for not canceling because of my anxiety. Proud of myself for allowing me to be me unapologetically with absolutely no fabrication for the pleasure or comfort of another person.
Writing this now in bed. No other plans until later tonight. That call took a lot of my energy. Time to rest.
Night night💜
I had my very first big mood swing yesterday! I got uncharacteristically upset at my partner, it wasn't very cool of me. We had a talk and everything was okay in the end, but that instance was weird. And the moodswing didn't end there! I continued to have the most intense panic-cry I've had in weeks. It was really not fun. My Mister stuck by me and weathered the storm, he was so helpful to me, even though I'd been so rude to him earlier.
When I was ready to emerge from the cave, he suggested I sit on the floor in front of the couch so he could play with my hair. I asked if we could watch an instructional video on how to use my brand new ROUND HAIR-BRUSH!!!!!!🌠🌠🌠 He agreed, and we sat down to practice. He pet me and called me a good girl.
Well. Apparently you need a fucking blow dryer to use round brushes! Guess what; I didn't fuckin know that. I dont have one! But Mister was so determined to help me feel better that he tried to follow along with the video as best he could to get it down before we added a blow dryer someday when I could afford one. He brushed my hair for at least an hour and a half as I dove into a femme self-care tutorial video RABBITHOLE. We watched a "how-to do a 90's blowout!" and "here's my everything shower routine!" and "my Coachella nails for 2024!" and more.
Each video taught me so fucking much it was incredible honestly. The everything shower video told me I should be shampooing twice, conditioning only the mids-ends of my hair, etc. While the Coachella Nails video taught me a certain level of what to expect if I wanted to go get my nails done at a salon (maybe?), but it also realized within me: Hand/Nail dysphoria.
I stared at my hands for maybe 10 minutes noticing how thick, lined, and scarred they are. Even though my hands are soft they don't look soft. The video host's fingers were so slender, long, elegant. Mine are stubby in comparison. My nails are so short because I bite them when I have nothing else to fidget with. Her nails were at least an inch long on her nailbed, it was like they were groomed specifically for nail art and extensions (i suppose they were). I've never thought about my hands before. I used to like having scarred hands. But now they make me feel sick.
I needed a change of pace. I switched to a video that detailed tips and tricks for DIY alt/goth fashion by a channel called Rattus Rattus. Loved it. Only made it 20 minutes in as it was 1:30am and I was fading. Captivated by each of the videos telling me how to achieve a certain level of high-maintenace girlhood, my eyes drooped closed until i could keep them open no longer. I lied down on the floor and fell asleep until my husband decided it was time to sleep in a real bed.
Anyway. Big day yesterday for learning and new experiences. It was intense. Time for sleep.
I've been said to have "mom friend" vibes by at least 3 people, two of which affectionately call me "Ashmom."
Just yesterday I had a discussion with my husband about my fashion as a trans girl. He's witnessed so many mtf transitions, because he's been in the community much longer than I have, and his general observation is that trans girl clothing fashion tends to be any combination of young, showy, slim, and thin. My husband was reflecting on this because I gravitate to items he calls "grandma fashion". He wondered why I wasn't the same as other trans women he's seen/met. The thing is, I don't really know. I enjoy what I enjoy.
Now. That being said. On the same day, my Mom, Dad, and little brother, all separate of one another, said I look like a Grandma when they noticed my new glasses chain from the queer market yesterday.
Is this my fate? To be the Grandma trans? I love being motherly and I enjoy caring for the people I love. But grand-motherly? I don't think so.
My husband purchased me 4 items from the Witches and Wellness queer artisan market we visited yesterday :)!
I got a little ring (my first ring ever) with mushrooms stamped into it, two plastic-beaded bracelets with "she" and "T4T" beaded into them respectively, and then a chain, decorated by red gem beads, meant to hold my glasses.
I was considering asking for a witch's pointed hat, but I decided I felt sufficiently blinged out and would be very happy to leave the busy event.
I looked in the mirror a few hours later, the chain hanging from my glasses framed my face with the red beaded accents and it made me feel... euphoric. It made me feel pretty. I didn't have to look away from the mirror until I was finished being happy for myself. I am very lucky to have someone who willingly and happily facilitates my journey to being a happier girl.