Trauma Response - Blog Posts

Sometimes, I don't want to heal. Healing almost feels like a betrayal to myself. I know what they've done, and the damage will never be fully healed. It almost scares me to think that I might forget or become numb to it. As long as the wounds stay open, and I still feel the burning pain, it's real. I can't trick myself into thinking it's not.

There are other times when I don't want to heal because people might not believe me. I've already plenty who don't, but it would be so much worse if someone saw evidence of my trauma but didn't believe me because the rest of my personality and coping mechanisms seem normal. If I stay broken, the smaller cracks are less noticable, and they're easier to explain. Obviously, a shattered window is going to have both big and small cracks and might even be missing some pieces.

Sometimes healing just doesn't seem worth it because I feel like my life should be perfect once I'm past that point. People have it worse, and the worst is behind me, so I have no right to be this way.

I don't know. I'm not sure I want to heal

What if it was years ago, and they didn't exactly try to change, but things aren't as bad as they used to be.

I still feel the pain, but she's has been too terrible recently so I would feel bad if I finally left after all this time. After being a jobless shut in due to depression and possibly autism....

You don't have to feel bad for not wanting to be around the people who hurt you.

No, "but they're your family."

No, "but you used to be friends."

No, "but you have to put up with it because they're your partner."

No.

If someone hurts you repeatedly and there is no indication of them trying to do better, you are allowed to dislike contact with them.

So many people feel guilt over not wanting to be around people that intentionally hurt them.

It's not wrong of you to want distance.

It's not wrong of you to want to be treated well.

I've gone from refusing to call what I experienced trauma to looking into finding a psychiatrist to see if I have cptsd.... (Over the course of several years unfortunately)

2006: "No. My parents aren't hitting or beating me. They're spanking me, and for good reason. :/"

2010: "I don't think you should spank kids, but what my parents are doing isn't bad. I think a pop on the hand makes more sense, but these spankings aren't abuse."

2014: "Well now I'm depressed. My parents definitely have a lot to do with it, but I don't think they were physically abusive. Definitely verbally and emotionally but I have no trauma."

2016: "it could have been so much worse, but it's all stuck in my brain and I can't get it out. It's definitely me being sensitive. That stuff doesn't cause trauma."

2019: "So it is trauma... But it wasn't that bad. I heard about little t trauma. That's what it is. I still have no right to complain."

2020: "Trauma is trauma. Why am I comparing? They messed up and I should've left by now. They were physically abusive, but still not that bad. Little t trauma still counts."

Very recently: "Nevermind. Big T trauma. It is most certainly that bad. I wouldn't have reacted that way back then if it wasn't."

Suck that it took me so long

Is "irrational" anger a trauma response?

I only feel like it might be because I'm always bothered when this person enters the room. I'm almost enraged when they try to speak to me, more often than not. I try to keep it to myself only because I know I would look utterly insane otherwise.

It's almost like I've gaslit myself into thinking I've been overly dramatic this whole time and nothing they ever did was so terrible. Then, I feel guilty for being mad at them, even though I look back in it and see how much it affected me or how badly my younger self wanted to leave and cut contact.

I almost feel like I'm losing my mind just thinking about this.

I know we make fun of Kevin and Neil’s habit of thinking only of exy right after something traumatic happens (Seth's death, Neil's focus on his racket after Andrew’s attack, the bloody happy birthday jr.). But I think some people overlook that it's a trauma response and a very well written one at that. It's a form of disassociation that, on the outside, looks very dismissive, disconnected, or irrelevant from what's actually happening. Both of them turn to exy because it's mentally a safe place for them, and focusing on it is their brain's way of feeling a little in control of the situation.

"Your trauma makes you stronger"

No, my trauma gave me depression, quiet & self-destructive bpd, anxiety, insomnia and a inner child that desperately wants to get healed.

Scared of being alone, only pleasing other people desperately trying to have friends, to not be the outstander.

I was a child. I wanted to be protected by the persons that hurt me. I wanted their help & their love. And now I am the person struggling to accept care even though I want it because it makes me feel trapped & dependent. I am the person struggling to show love.

Romantisized Daddy issues/father complex.

No, daddy issues isn't liking to call someone 'daddy' in Bed, thats a kink and not a issue.

The father complex is a trauma response, so please stop romantisizing it out of respect.

Its much more than the liking in older men.

There are 3 Types:

Fearful - avoidant means that affected people avoid getting close to anyone. If they are in a relationship, they tend to run away from challenges. They struggle with intimacy.

Anxious - preoccupied means that affected ones are scared to be left, ofting causing relationship anxiety. Its common that they are really clingy and feel unsettled if they aren't with their partner.

Dismissive - avoidant means that affected ones have heavy trust issues, avoiding conservations and being scared of getting hurt again or to depend on anyone else than themselve.

Lets go over to common symptoms, the type of a father complex clearly depends on the symptoms.

Possessiveness & clingy behaviour.

Overabundance of love & assurance.

Using Sex to feel loved.

Dating (older) men that make you feel protected.

Being afraid to be alone. > jumping from one relationship into another.

Choosing repetitively abusive men.

Attachment issues.

Being afraid to be vulnerable.

Trust issues.

Not setting boundaries because you're scared they will leave if you say "no."

Idealizing your partner.

the father complex often comes with..

Depression

Persistent anger issues

Low self-esteem

Stress

Worry

Anxiety

The father complex is treatable, search for a therapist and analyse your struggles. If your partner is okay with that, maybe even consider couple therapy.