Trauma Tw - Blog Posts

[ Midori Francis, cis female, she/her ] — whoa! JULIA SATO just stole my cab! not cool, but maybe they needed it more. they have lived in the city for THREE MONTHS, working as a PAEDIATRIC DOCTOR. that can’t be easy, especially at only 33 YEARS OLD. some people say they can be a little bit PEDANTIC and GUARDED, but i know them to be EXTRAORDINARY and PATIENT. whatever. i guess i’ll catch the next cab. hope they like the ride back to BROOKLYN! 

Tw: Unwanted pregnancy, adoption, trauma

Julia wasn’t born wanting to be a doctor, she didn’t grow up playing doctor, but little did she know it was always on the cards for her. Pushed from a young age to focus closely on her academics she had two choices - doctor or lawyer, and in the end she chose the former. Her father was a well known cardiovascular surgeon and her mother one of New York’s top OBGYN, so it was hardly surprising when their only daughter was said to have her eyes set on medical school (Even if they were telling people long before Julia had any idea that’s what was happening.)

They tended to do that though. The pair of them would decide on something and before you knew it that was exactly what was happening, it was a control thing they loved to have, and it overflowed into every aspect of their daughter’s life. On the most part Julia was a sweet, normal child, she did well in school and didn’t make too many waves that drew extra attention to herself. With a select circle of friends - she was the girl you wanted to be in group projects with because it meant the ball wasn’t going to be dropped, you would have a finished project bang on time, and the lettering on the poster board would be impeccable to boot. Well if you’re going to do something you might as well do it properly, she knew the past of least resistance in her family was to excel so she didn’t put up a fuss. Just knuckling down to do what was expect of her. It wasn’t a miserable existence, did she get to go to as many social events as the rest of her classmates? Maybe not, but she never felt she was being deprived of anything. 

That was until she met and fell for Leo West. The two had been in the same grade for their entire school life but it wasn’t until they turned fifteen that their paths properly crossed and Julia’s eyes were suddenly opened to a world beyond her school books and music lessons. He had an freedom she had never been around before but wanted more of as soon as she’d been exposed, and it wasn’t long before (much to her parents disapproval) the two were dating. Julia’s first romance and it was a total whirlwind of infatuation and codependence they were inseparable and soon became a package deal. Even as she continued to study hard, it wasn’t with the same dedication that she’d had before and both the Sato parents started to notice, concern growing that this boy was turning their daughter’s head in the wrong direction. Not that they ever acted upon that thought - but they certainly made it known to Julia. Leo was due to go away on a year abroad once he finished high school and the Sato parents had already decided that this would be the end of their daughters relationship with him. And just like that he left when summer broke that year and Julia was back to focusing her attention onto her studies. 

Kinda. 

About three weeks later it was discovered that she was pregnant. A total disaster in her parents eyes the girl was made to go through with the pregnancy, hiding it for the most part thanks to her mother’s medical field, and the baby was put up for adoption the moment it came into he world. Never up for debate. Julia never got to hold it, they never even told her what she’d had. Instead she was just expected to go back to her studies as if nothing had happened without any kind of mental health or trauma support, and she did. But she was never the same. By the time Leo came home from his time abroad (which ended up going from one year to two) she had left for medical school so her parents didn't have to worry about the two of them reconnecting.

That was sixteen years ago and even after earning a place at The Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine, a placement at Boston Children’s Hospital, and finally getting a job offer she couldn’t refuse back in her home town of New York, she still felt totally lost. So to combat it she threw herself into her work without letting up for a second, no time to think meant no time to hurt. At least with this career she could help children in a way she could never help her own child, but that didn’t stop her eyes from lingering a couple of seconds longer on kids that came in with features that reminded her of Leos’, wondering what had happened to their son or daughter. 

Wound tight, laser focused, a stickler for detail, and well overdue for everything she’d squished down to the depths of her soul and darkest parts of her brain to come bursting out, there was really no telling when this ticking time bomb was going to go off. 

beepxbeep​  /  richie tozier * !!

Richie smiled up at his friend and reached up to grab the cigarette, taking a drag from his mouth before reaching back up and putting it back in hers. This was reminiscent of all the nights they’d had growing up, the ones where they couldn’t help but be together for. The days where they skipped school and smoked in the janitor’s closets, the early mornings where they would get together after a bad night and smoke until the sun came up. As much as he hated Derry, it had given him 6 wonderful things and Bev was absolutely one of them. And truth be told, he needed this here in Ivywood. Her words brought him back and he rolled his eyes. “Oh come on, Beaverly….this is serious.” Which it was. He didn’t get serious a lot, only really with three of the losers, but when he did it was usually important. “I was just thinking about it and I mean…you know we both have fucking shitty pasts and we’re here and we’re stuck and do you…I mean our parents can’t get to us here right?” he asked, curiously. “I mean we all love my dad, good ole Wentworth Tozier can come any day but I mean my mom…and your dad.” Richie could handle his mom showing up if it happened but Bev’s father was a whole different story. 

・・・・・・

                    “maybe i’d take you seriously if you weren’t a literal dickhead.”  beaverly — unacceptable from anyone else. it was almost as if greta && henry had all made sure her reputation stuck with her no matter where she went. but, with richie it made her laugh, though with one shared look she knew... this was important. the usual flush that always hid behind cheeks quickly faded, face white at what richie suggested. her memories might be rather fucked, but one strong memory of hers was never wanting to see her father again. whatever that meant for her. it was bad enough he visited her in slumber. && richie’s mother ?? her presence bev imagined would be nothing but a setback. despite how  d r y  her mouth had become, she took a long, long, desperate drag from the cigarette, she was gonna need it. bev wanted to be optimistic, to say of course they wouldn’t show up but what was stopping them ?? “the idea makes you wish that border stopped people from coming in instead of leaving, doesn’t it ?? but realistically they could. the bowers gang too. all of them. derry might’ve been small but this place almost feels smaller.” beverly fixated her gaze on her hands, the soft texture of his hair as fingers continued to brush through it. “but look at all you’ve done without her, all you’ve accomplished no thanks to her. even if she can get here physically she can’t get here.” digit lightly tapped against his temple. “not anymore. && even if she tried she’d have to get through me first.” determination strengthening the tone of her voice once again, nothing but sincere.

Personal vent under the cut. Don't expect to understand anything, I needed to settle an argument I've been having with my own brain. Don't worry, everything is ok now...

"Wow, did you see that freak monster hurt that person? God, what a creep... that person's DEFINITELY scarred for life!"

"I did... I hate people like that."

"Oh really? Funny of you to say that because well, y'know... you're kind of like them, aren't you?"

"I'm nothing like them. I wouldn't hurt anyone, let alone to that degree of awful."

"Nothing? You're literally the same category of freak."

"I am no such thing. I don't take advantage of other people. My moral compass is intact. I know how that person they hurt feels, it's happened to me too. I would defend them with my-"

"That person would hate you if they knew the kind of freak you were. You're just like that freak who hurt them."

"We may both be freaks but I-" "So you admit it then?"

"Let me fini-"

"You're just another monster. You may not see it now, but just you wait."

"I made a promise to never-"

"You're just making excuses for yourself."

"No-"

"You should apologize."

"For what? I've done nothing, I've only done is everything to not become a mon-"

"Doesn't matter. Your freaky little existence begs for forgiveness."

"I- I-"

"What? What? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?"

"I'm sor-"

"So you admit you're a monster in need of forgiveness"

"I never sai-"

"You don't deserve it. You may be 'innocent' now, but just you wait... just you wait, little freak."

"I hate how you twist things around. I hate how you manipulate me, telling me things I don't wan't to hear."

"Even if they may be... the truth~?" "IT'S NOT THE TRUTH. YOU'RE JUST HORRIBLE. ALL YOU SAY ARE THINGS TO MAKE ME MISERABLE. HONESTLY, BETWEEN THE TWO OF US, THE MONSTER HERE IS YOU. NOT ME, YOU."

"Sounds like someone's having a hissy fit. Do you hear yourself yelling like a stupid little child?" "BECAUSE IF I DON'T YELL, YOU TALK OVER ME. I'M TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW, SHUT UP. JUST SHUT UP. FROM FREAK TO FREAK, I MAY BE A FUCKING FREAK BUT I WILL UNLEASH HELL AGAINST THE AMORAL, AGAINST THE RANCID CANCER BEINGS RAMPAGING THIS LOVELESS EARTH. I DON'T CARE IF I'M SHOVED INTO A CATEGORY OF FREAK SHARED WITH THESE CANCER BEINGS. I DON'T CARE IF THAT PERSON HATES ME BECAUSE I'M SHOVED INTO THAT BOX. I'M FIGHTING FOR THAT PERSON REGARDLESS. I KNOW WHO I AM. I KNOW WHO I AM. I KNOW WHO I AM. I AM NOT THE MONSTER YOU SAY I AM."

"...heh."