UK Broadcasters have patted themselves on the back for managing not to get distracted by the fact that the UK has overtaken Spain and Italy in daily death toll and instead zeroed in like snipers on the vital news that Boris Johnson was feeling rather chipper.
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In a hastily convened press conference, the US president told the world that his administration had just made an extraordinary leap forward in the quest for who to blame for his government’s abysmal failure to react appropriately to the coronavirus pandemic.
A big bunch of greedy bastards who only look after themselves have vowed today to do whatever it takes to stop a big bunch of greedy bastards who only want to look after themselves.
The latest trend for 5G conspiracies claiming the new technology does everything from microwave your brain to spreading coronavirus is actually part of a secret government conspiracy to identify the nation's simpletons.
Matt Hancock has said it would be a nice idea for millionaire footballers to take a pay cut and give that money to struggling hospices instead, seemingly unaware there are plenty of other millionaires who don't do that currently.