We Were Two Hours On Call, After Days Without One Because Of Me Studying. She's So Sweet, And I'm So

Me: -eat something-

My ed: That had like 10 calories

Me: So?

My ed: yoU aRe gOnnA bE FAT

Me:

Me: omG I LOST 3 POUNDS ;_;

My brain: great, next, die

My ed: hOLD A FUCKING SECOND, WHEN, WERE, HOW, WHO, WHAT¿ but you still fat gurl.

Me: -counting how much calories I ate last week and trying to anilize how I lost 3 pounds in a week after bingin' 2 times-

I wanna see blood in my arms so bad, or overdose on acetaminophen again, it wanna feel something different to just being empty

The dumbass is back

Hi, I have a 4.4.4 android so in the middle of 2019 tumblr got an update and i couldn't use the app anymore.

I came back in the quarantine just to see chinese learning things¿¿ I don't know.

I got the app because in my searching of an old version of netflix (i can't use new netflix updates too) i thought that I could use tumblr in an old version too so i'm back for now.

School

I hate school shjshdjdh.

I'm in holy week vacation right now, so i'm not having homework to do. But it was difficult to not stress out with a lot of work to do.

It's like- in the time we were going to school we used to learn something in about 3 days in classes like Social studies, spanish (i'm not supposed to call it like that, but because it is our first language we call it "communication and language"¿¿), etc. And they were sending work to do for THE NEXT DAY. I barely remember what I saw the last week. I do remember math, english and science because two were sending explanations for the homework and science,,, just awful, really, really long if we have in mind that it was for the next day.

Before we got in quarantine, they gave us our grades, and I got 69 in science lol (i'm gonna talk about that in another blog) my grades were pretty meh, english was the higher note, and I got an "i" (for insufficient) in attitude, because I had a mental breakdown in front of the principal. She said it was a "trantum", I couldn't breath, for real, I was choking because I was hiperventilating AND SHE WAS JUST YELLING. My mum came to pick me up but I didn't left the school, and everybody thinks it was my fault.

I'm anxious 'cause if quarantine lasts to a longer time, I'll not be able to know what to do about getting in another school I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT SCHOOL TO GO, i'm going to hang myself.

Sweetheart

I got a "girlfriend" and she's so sweet:(. We're not officially dating, but i've been waiting two years and she finally admitted that she likes me.

She's so sweet, she listens to me when i'm sad, and she wasn't angry when I was answering late her messages because of school. SHE EVEN ASKS ME TO TRY GO TO SLEEP, 'cause I can't sleep.

I love her so much, I can't even express it. But i'm so insecure, I don't want to make her feel insecure because of MY insecurities:(.

I can't sleep and that's why i'm in tumblr again.

It's currently 4:31am when i'm writing this, i can't sleep AGAIN. School fucked up my sleeping schedule (going to sleep at 9pm when I was going to school). This days i've been falling asleep between 1-3am. I don't know what happened this day but i'll be awake at least at 2pm.

Ah shit here we go again??

I spent 6 months eating like a pig and i'm thinking of purging AGAIN and I fucking hate it. I don't like it, but I feel so bad with my fucking fat body I don't know what to do i'm like-

And that's my update for now (day 25 of quarantine: april 8)

FUCK 10 FOR 5am I'M FUCKED

I'm-

whoops, i've been told that "it is not abuse 'cause is for your own good", the harm my parents did to me for my own good turned me in a traumatized child, with fear. Nobody who was physically abused as a child turned out okay.

being spanked is abuse

being slapped is abuse

being physically harmed or hit in any way by a person in power over you is abuse

being intimidated and terrified into thinking that they’ll hit you is abuse

being forced into state where you flinch when their tone of voice changes is abuse

being sure that you’re dead when they lift their hand is heavy psychological abuse

being hit with your own hand is abuse (abuser forcing your hand to strike your body)

feeling like you have to keep a happy face and pretend that everything is okay is abuse

feeling like you haven’t been hit enough and like you deserve more is abuse

having a person with power want to cause physical harm to when you have no way to defend yourself is abuse

controlling your reactions is abuse

demanding a different reaction after physical harm is abuse

demanding no fear, no anger, no bitterness, no symptoms after being hit is abuse

forbidding expression of pain and fear and anger is abuse

subtly letting you know that you can’t tell anyone about what they did is abuse and silencing technique

shaming you for hitting you is abuse

demanding that it’s your fault if you get traumatized by physical harm is abuse

claiming that it’s you who is violent if you resist or try to escape or fight back is abuse

if any of this was done to you: you have been abused

if this was done to you and you don’t think it was harmful: you are wrong

if you dare to comment “i was hit and i turned out okay”: nobody who thinks any of this is alright to do to a child has turned out okay

Hallucination that turned into a draft, possibly

autistic self diagnosis is valid

self harming by trying to make your symptoms worse on purpose

My blog is for:

Coping with my mental stuff

Getting my disordered thoughts out of me and not letting them eat me up inside

Seeing other ppl with similar issues to not feel so alone, possibly making friends with them so they don’t feel so alone

Making me not feel so crappy

My blog isn’t for:

× For promoting mental disorders

× Promoting self harm

× Putting others down

× Telling others to do what I do