Bruce, After Nose Surgery: Anyone Makes A Single Comment, I Will Fry You.

Talia: Okay, if I had Damian in the spring and it’s winter now… I forgot his birthday, didn’t I?

Harley (holding a teacup): Yeah, he said he’s used to it.

Talia (panicked): Oh my God! Quick, what do boys like? Fisher-Price is still a thing, right?

Harley (flatly): Tali, he turned twelve.

Talia (lamenting): I thought he was nine! Okay, I can work with this. I’ll call Bruce—no, no, he’ll be upset that I forgot his birthday and think I don’t care. But I do care! He’s my tifl. I spent thirty-six hours pushing him out of my body! My mind just gets foggy at times.

Harley: Talia.

Talia: If I had remembered, trust me, I’d throw him a party! Plus, I’m a busy woman. I am a businesswoman before I’m a fighter. That’s not me excusing my actions, though. Don’t say it is!

Harley (repeating herself): Talia?

Talia: I need to give him something good—

Harley (raising her voice): TALIA!

Talia (annoyed): What?!

Harley (passing Talia her phone, which is open to the Amazon app): What you see is his wishlist. That’s the stuff he wants as gifts. You don’t have to buy everything, just one or two items.

Talia: Oh bless you, Harley! Huh, he has a lot of books in here. I shall buy them all!

Talia pulled out her phone and began adding every book she saw on his wishlist to her Amazon cart. Harley shrugged, sipping her tea.

Two weeks later, Damian received numerous packages from Amazon filled with the books he had been hoping to get. He blinked, unsure of how to react. But what stood out the most was that Talia had also bought him the ship Lego set he wanted.

Damian: Hm… She really went through my wishlist for this. If she got the notification that the packages were delivered, she should be calling any second now.

His phone rang two seconds later, right on cue. He answered with reluctance.

Damian: Don't speak yet. I just wanted to say thank you for the gifts. Now you can react.

Talia (sweetly): I get you the best because you’re my precious twelve-year-old, and I knew you turned that age, but it’s been crazy busy dealing with business and my father.

Ra's: Hey!

Damian (small smile): Mm-hm, thanks anyways, Mother. I… love you.

Talia: I love you too!

Stupid headcanon based on myself

Peters phone dings and he asked Tony to read the text for him

Tony confused: "who is 'big balls man'???"

Peter casually: "oh that's Ned"

Tony: "what the- 'autistic weed dealer'?? Who tf-?"

Peter: "that's MJ"

Tony blinking confused: "istg if you named Romanoff 'mommy'-"

Peter: "no that's loki- Ms Romanoff is 'terrifier 3'"

Tony:

Peter:

Tony: "what the fuck are these names kid-?? WHO IS 'INTERGALACTIC CUMSOCK'!?"

Peter: "that's Thor"

Tony: "WHAT'S MY NAME??"

Peter: "just Mr stark with the chair emoji"

Tony:

Peter:

Tony offended: "that is so not fair-"

i finally have enough time to properly draw again, so i'm treating myself to a PTA Mom VS. Twilight Saga. listen all i want is a silly little post reveal story with silly little shenanigans and extreme pettiness + perfectionism from twilight in the most trivial of matters. is that too much to ask?

i am going to tag this under 'spy x pta' LMAO

(for those who don't know, PTA stands for Parent Teacher Association. commonly in elementary schools, parents in the PTA are often stereotyped as overbearing, overly competitive, and petty)

real

nothing can break the bond between a girl and the anime she watched when she was 12

ngiiiii toritsuka curious to see saiki without his glasses so he asks saiki to take off his glasses and saiki's like "you will turn to stone" and toritsuka's like "its okay its just 24 hours who's going to notice haha i was absent for a week when your brother abducted me and im fine ☺️"

Saiki ".... 😕 sorry"

anywayyy. next time torisai see each other, saiki's wearing normal glasses like. clear ones and toritsuka's like "HOLY SHIT. YOUR EYES ARE PURPLE?" "yes" "THEYRE STUNNING sorry IM NOT" "? thank you?"

i just want to say toritsuka's crazy for saiki and even crazier for saiki without his glasses or just when toritsuka can see his purple eyes like

punkflower where hobie likes to crochet in his spare time bcs it keeps his hands busy; he does it while he’s daydreaming and it’s great! it’s fun! it’s relaxing!

the problem is that he can’t stop making things related to miles.

he picks up his hook and when he looks down again he’s made a little crochet spider in red and black. he doesn’t even remember reaching for the colours.

he tries again a few days later and by the time he realises he’s daydreaming about miles’s face and miles’s hair and miles’s smile, he’s already nearly done with a loose-knit navy cardigan. he ties it off temporarily and tries it even though he already has a feeling it won’t fit properly, and he’s right.

it’s too short on him.

because he’d subconsciously made it to miles’s measurements that he’d eyeballed.

fuck.

he finishes it anyway, passes it to miles all nonchalant just to get it off his hands and off his mind but the next time they hang out miles is wearing it and hobie has to stand in the corner with his mouth shut before he puts his foot in it, because the cardigan fits perfectly and if he talks he’s absolutely going to embarrass himself. miles is laughing with his head thrown back and hobie desperately wants to kiss him.

but obviously he can’t, so he crochets more instead and it gets even worse. he’s burning through his red and blue yarn like paper; he’s made headphone accessories, keychains, beanies, a whole collection of loose-knit tops bcs he can’t get the image of miles wearing the first one out of his head.

it’s ridiculous and he drives himself up the wall with it, but he gives them to miles anyway and says they’re just practice pieces until gwen and pav ambush him in his flat and yell at him to finally fucking confess or they’ll do it for him, bcs miles is decked out in swag knitwear and they keep getting stopped on the street by strangers asking where he gets his clothes and you know what he says?

he says they’re just his friend’s test pieces. with a sad little smile.

and hobie can’t stand it anymore, because he practically CUSTOM-MADE everything, test pieces his ass. he opens a portal right to miles’s room and his heart squeezes when he sees that miles is in one of the sweaters he made, cream-coloured with a maroon star on the front, a little green knitted sprout tied to his headphones on top of his head.

miles slams his sketchbook shut, blushing like he’s been caught, and hobie walks right up to him and says, “they weren’t practice pieces.”

miles blinks at him, still clearly flustered. “o…kay?”

he soldiers on. “i made them for ya. with you in mind. by accident.” see? he opens his mouth and puts his bloody foot in it IMMEDIATELY. he fumbles to do some damage control but miles is smiling crookedly, pulling his headphones off.

“you handmade me enough things to fill half my closet… by accident.”

“yeah.”

hobie has to force himself to breathe because miles is standing up and then they’re kissing and every damn thought gets wiped clean out of his brain.

“was that by accident too?” miles asks, close enough that hobie can smell the cocoa butter he uses on his skin, something warm tucked beneath his wry smirk and hobie wants to kiss it off his damn mouth, so he does.

(afterwards, they tumble down to dinner grinning like fools. miles’s parents don’t question, and they miss gwen and pav fist-bumping just outside the window.)

Read a fanfic where Tim Drake thinks Bruce ignored his birthday, then on some random day was like, "Happy Birthday, Tim!" And Tim was like, "It's not my birthday...?" And Bruce was like, "Uh, according to your birth certificate it is, though?"

And the birth certificate shows a date with a different month and day than Tim thought was his birthday, and he realized his parents just FORGOT when his birthday was and essentially picked either a random day or a day more convenient for their schedules or a day they could remember better-

Tim, this whole time, had a completely different birthday than what he'd been celebrating his whole life, and he is so MAD. Like no shit his life doesn't make any goddamm sense he's been a fucking Pisces this whole time

these loverboys

Batfam Headcanon #2

So. Damian Wayne’s school recital.

First off, Damian does not want to be there. He even performs this whole dramatic speech about how performing the viola in front of a bunch of “intellectually inferior Gotham Prep students” was a waste of his talents.

Bruce, however, is thrilled. He had missed out on these sorts of milestones with Dick, Jason, and Tim for various reasons—crimefighting, estrangement, or simply bad timing. But this? This was his chance to savour the quintessential "proud dad at a school event" experience, and he was not going to squander it. He buys eight tickets—front row for the whole family, obviously. He even tells Tim to “clear your schedule” and makes Jason promise on pain of death to show up.

He doesn’t stop there though. He rents an absurdly expensive high-end video camera (the kind National Geographic use to capture footage of lions on the savannah) to record the performance in its entirety, despite Barbara pointing out that smartphones have perfectly good cameras these days, and was pacing in front of the theatre doors 30 minutes before they even opened, muttering about getting the perfect angle. As the recital begins, the Batfam does their best to blend in with the other parents, though it’s a losing battle. Especially with Jason muttering snarky comments under his breath about the less-than-stellar early performances. “If this is what passes for talent at Gotham Prep, I’m never letting Damian forget he’s related to these people.”

Damian, to his credit, looks completely calm at all this chaos. Professional, even. He’s so composed, standing there with his viola, tuning it like this was just another mission. And then he starts playing. Y’all. He was perfect. Like, annoyingly, infuriatingly perfect. Every note was precise, every movement elegant.

You could see Karen from the PTA side-eyeing Bruce like, “What kind of prodigy factory are you running?”

But here’s the thing: the minute Damian finishes, and the polite applause starts?

The Batfam absolutely loses it.

I’m talking:

Dick and Duke standing up, leading a standing ovation.

Jason yelling “THAT’S MY BABY BROTHER, YOU PEASANTS!”

Cass throwing fake confetti that she’d somehow smuggled in.

Steph shaking her homemade “GO DAMI” sign so hard the glitter was falling off

Tim also standing up to applaud, completely forgetting about the phone on his lap live-streaming the whole thing to Alfred back home, ruining the video completely

Barbara’s reaction being the perfect mix of affection, amusement and calm.

Bruce clapping so loudly it echoed through the whole auditorium.

Damian’s ears? Fire engine red. He storms off stage like, “You’re all the worst. I’m disowning every single one of you.” BUT. Later that night, Tim catches him sneaking the recital signup sheet for next year off the fridge. He totally signed up again. Because deep down, he knows that no matter how irritating they are, the Batfam were always going to be the loudest cheer squad in Gotham

And perhaps, just perhaps, he didn’t mind that as much as he claimed.