I’m Trying So Fucking Hard And No One Sees That. I’m Trying So Fucking Hard To Stay Alive But My

"I just want to be okay for a day. I want to wake up and be happy to be alive. I want to enjoy the company of people around me. I want to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. I want to breathe the air freely and enjoy life."

— things people with mental illnesses wish they could do

I wish I knew what happiness felt like

Okay. Come on, then. I love you, get up, we are going to keep going. Repeat this to yourself in a mirror or in a whisper or in the shower or in a shout. I love you, get up, keep going.

I am tired too. It's okay. We will sleep in the car ride over. We will sleep on each other's shoulders. We will sleep upside down and in the laps of new friends and on the bellies of our lovers and in the hands of better tomorrows. We will sleep and we will wake up rested and we will wake up happy and we will wake up home again.

I love you, get up. It's time to write "maybe next time" on our gravesite. It's time to write: it could not kill me, I would not die. It's time to write a love letter to the sun and our one-act play and the history of our keychains. It is time to write a future where despite everything, we are finally warm and safe.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Get up. Keep going. We are going to be okay.

TW: EATING DISORDER THINGS

Up-pining after hitting my UGW.,

1.       “Hunger will not betray you like eating will”

2.       “Hunger hurts, but starving works”

3.       “Hungry to bed, hungry to rise, makes a Boy a smaller size”

4.       “Calories won’t make you happy”

5.       “Starving is willpower”

6.       “Pleasure to the lips adds pounds to the hip”

7.       “Do not reward yourself with food, you are not a dog”

8.       “If it was easy, everyone would be thin”

9.       “I’m not telling you it’s going to be easy, I’m telling you it’s going to be worth it”

10.   “Eat to live, but don’t live to eat”

11.   “Hunger is your friend and it won’t betray you like eating will”

12.   “Your stomach growling is the sound of your fat screaming”

13.   “Everything looks good on skinny”

14.   “Know that the pain will pass. When it passes you will be stronger, happier, and more aware“

15.   “The greasy fry it cannot lie. Its truth is written on your thigh”

16.   “Giving into food shows weakness, be strong and you will be better than everyone else”

17.   “I made myself fat, I can make myself thin”

18.   “If I eat anything, I’ll eat everything, so I eat nothing”

19.   “Waking up thinner is worth going to bed hungry”

20.   “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”

21.   “Every calorie you eat equals another step towards destruction“

22.   “Eating will not solve anything”

23.   “Ballerina or beanbag?”

24.   “No one ever got skinny sitting on their behind”

25.   “You could die at any time and once you are dead, you will be that weight FOREVER, do you want to look fat when everyone comes by to see you in the coffin?”

26.   “Eat less, weigh less”

27.   “Starve my pain away, make me beautiful, make everything okay, turn my problems into bones, crush them up, gather the remains, blow away the dust“

28.   “Junk food is cheap but thin is priceless“

29.   “Never trade what you want most for what you want at the moment, it only leads to failure”

30.   “For every day that you binge, it pushes back the day of your ultimate goal weight by a week”

31.   “You only fail if you stop trying“

32.   “You are not hungry, you are bored, learn the difference”

33.   “ You will not regret getting skinny, but you will regret overeating”

34.   “Do it so that people ask, “has she been eating?”“

35.   “I am not there yet, but I am closer than I was yesterday”

36.   “Need motivation to lose weight? Just sit in front of the mirror naked”

37.   “If you are not hungry enough to eat an apple, you are not hungry”

38.   “Dear stomach, you are not bored, you are hungry, so shut up”

39.   “Stop eating, you must be beautiful”

40.   “So you can show everyone who doubted you, you can do it”

41.   “Inside us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she is too sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake”

42.   “Keep calm and hunger will pass”

43.   “The fact that you are not where you want to be should be enough motivation”

44.   “You’ll never get skinny if you keep on eating”

45.   “An imperfect body reflects an imperfect person“

46.   “The thinner is the winner“

47.   “You cannot taste perfection, you can feel it“

48.   “If you aren’t thin, you aren’t attractive“

49.   Are you a dog? Stop rewarding yourself with food

50.   What you eat in private, you wear in public

51.   Fat lasts longer than flavor

52.   Excuses don’t burn calories

53.   Whatever the problem is, the answer is not in the fridge

54.   Your competition is in the mirror

55.   The fact you aren’t where you want to be should be enough motivation

56.   Don’t trust the scale, trust your clothes

57.   Half-ass, fat-ass, or bad-ass. It’s your choice

58.   Summer bodies are made in the winter

59.   Your body can withstand almost anything. It’s your mind that holds you back

60.   It’s easier to workout every day than to look in the mirror every day and hate what you see

61.   It’s a slow process, but quitting won’t speed it up

62.   Could someone justifiably call you a fatass right now? Fix that.

63.   Are you closer to a supersize or a superskinny?

people don’t understand how mentally draining having an eating disorder is. they assume you just skip a meal a day and then boom you lose like 30 pounds then recover. they don’t realize that you lose all your energy and can barely even function. you lose friends over it, get horrible grades, have to stop working, lose interest & energy in pursuing passions and hobbies. it fucking sucks and they make it so obvious they don’t give a shit about us.

i am tired. i am exhausted. from my head to my soul to my bones i am so fucking tired.

I swear I’m not a person anymore. I don’t laugh, I don’t feel joy or satisfaction or anything even remotely positive. I find sadness in literally everything. It’s like my brain isn’t capable of processing the good stuff anymore. I feel pain. I am pain. There’s nothing else. I don’t even have a personality anymore. All I am is pain.