People Don’t Understand How Mentally Draining Having An Eating Disorder Is. They Assume You Just Skip

if im not 20lbs down by christmas

i will simply pass away

I’m jealous of those who can function like a normal human being. They don’t have anxiety holding them back from everything, they don’t struggle to get out of bed or have to put on an act that everything is fine when its not. They don’t struggle to hold friendships and relationships… they don’t feel sad for no fucking reason everyday. Those that can hold jobs and work towards their dreams, the ones who have self esteem and see the beauty in themselves. Those that know what its like to feel safe and secure, not insecure and fearful of it all. 

Now I’m empty. I have nothing to give to anyone. Except for talking about my pain. And since I realize that’s toxic, I’ve simply isolated.

Dear Body:

- I am so Sorry

I HATE MYSELF! I really do.

Today, my mom had just gotten back from work when she decided to take us out. I got worried and tried to come up with a good excuse. Of course it didn't work. We went to Zaxby's and I feel disgusting. I loathe every part of my body. I ate four chicken pieces. FOUR! How disgusting am I. Not only that, but I also ate lots of fries. I wasn't thinking clearly. I am so worthless. I hate everything that I do. I AM SO SORRY FOR EATING. God, please forgive me....

I am not capable of healing. Every single thing that has hurt me and caused me pain or broken me in some profound way has distorted into this wound that bleeds at the slightest touch

I’m trying so fucking hard and no one sees that. I’m trying so fucking hard to stay alive but my breathing is getting shallow and my heart is beating slower and if I don’t wake up tomorrow just fucking forget about me.

I cant believe I used to be 130 wishing to be 115.... now I'm 155 BEGGING to be 130 again