A Printer Error Is An Attempt From God To Get You To Kill Yourself But You Must Be Stronger And You Must

1202

i want to grow out my eyebrows and become the jellyfish woman with a blowfish tongue. i want to be the yellow teethed sun, smiling back at my own anger. i want to use my tears as a blanket and drape them over every heartache i have ever felt until the colors of my pain dilute into a disgusting brown puddle. then i will bathe in it. when i was sad about how slow i was moving through life i found comfort in the late-blooming trees, until i read that they are not really at a disadvantage compared to early-blooming trees. then i got mad. i had a dream of chopping off all my hair and leaving it on your doorstep. i want final proof that loving me never even crossed your mind. i want final proof that i will drive away the wrong people by being as ugly and loud as possible. i want to protect myself from becoming someone's saint.

{Words by Anaïs Nin, from The Diary Of Anais Nin, Vol. 4 (1944-1947) / Cynthia Cruz from diagnosis,The glimmering room}

Studio Ghibli: ‘Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind’ (1984) dir. Hayao Miyazaki

chatgpt is the coward's way out. if you have a paper due in 40 minutes you should be chugging six energy drinks, blasting frantic circus music so loud you shatter an eardrum, and typing the most dogshit essay mankind has ever seen with your own carpel tunnel laden hands

america has a functioning democracy where one party tries to kill you and the only other party just campaigns around the fact that they aren’t the party that tries to kill you

stop trying to be palatable, stop trying to be palatable, stop

a couple thoughts on self-improvement

we need to understand that not giving ourselves enough time to kick a bad habit and establish a new better habit is a form of self-sabotage.

humans always want a quick solution for everything but our nervous systems were not built to adapt so quickly. that's why quitting a bad habit cold-turkey or starting a new good habit in an extreme way rather than easing in slowly usually doesn't work. (not saying it never works, but even if it does it's not the most optimal way to do things).

think about it this way: most addictions don't go from 0 to 100 immediately. since this is something that most of us struggle with, let's take for example phone addiction: you didn't just become addicted to consuming brainrot after watching a couple of reels. it's a learned behavior that develops from repetition and reenforcement.

i was already addicted to social media and the internet long before i had a smart phone. i watched hours of youtube and scrolled endlessly on tumblr. the problem just got worse and worse as I got more exposure to it and my brain became used to the sensation of that particular, easy dopamine reward. of course shortform content taking over and apps becoming more and more predatory in their design made the problem worse.

another thing that we tend to forget is that creating a better habits means making a conscious decision to do so on a regular basis. the fact that this too, is hard on our bodies and minds needs to be taken into consideration. that's why it's important to celebrate little successes. you managed to go a week without instagram? that's great! you managed to delete an app that you've been wanting to delete for a long time? there's more good things waiting if you keep going!

and if we mess up? if we re-install it or binge-scroll after a week of no social media? -we immediately feel like failures. instead of drowning in this feeling of failure, which reinforces us to go back to our addictive behavior, we need to encourage ourselves to keep trying.

and when we keep trying it's important to observe why we went back to the behavior we are trying to stop and what we could try to do better next time, so that we don't try blindly. what we perceive as failures are actually just experiences to learn something new and do better the next time.

the importance of gently and steadily building resilience and making your body and mind get used to trying again cannot be understated when it comes to forming better habits.

2002