Latest Posts by over-by-the-fishtank - Page 5

What a persecutor is: An alter that harms the system in one way or another. This may be to a specific alter, or to the entire system. This often stems from abuse and/or warped thinking they learned through years of an unhealthy environment.

What a persecutor does not have to be: Aggressive, angry, rude, or violent. Some do act this way, but it is not inherent. Persecutor and rude alter are not synonymous. Keep in mind that while it is very possible for them to act this way, a lot of this can come from being pushed away, insulted, or not listened to, or it may be an unhealthy coping mechanism.

What a persecutor is not: Evil, a parasite, a menace, something to repress, something to try to “lock up” or “get rid of”, the “dark side” of a system, someone who does not deserve to recover, or a lost cause.

Some explanations about dissociated parts and memory, information from The Haunted Self and paraphrased by yours truly.

Every part deserves to have their piece respected, even if it doesn’t seem to fit in neatly with the others, even if you think it’s weirdly shaped, even if it just seems scary. 

And remember: Puzzles are put together one piece at a time.

[Check out my DID/OSDD casually explained masterpost for sources and more infographics!]

Are you enabling people in your life?

Do you find yourself... * Lying or covering for other people? * Making excuses for someone else's crappy behavior? * Blaming yourself for someone else's crappy behavior, shortcomings, mistakes, etc.? * Swooping in and redoing tasks you've asked someone else to do, that you feel aren't getting done the "right" way? * Helping people who didn't ask for your help, or who said no when you asked if you could help them? * Giving people advice they didn't ask for or seek out? * Feeling resentful when you take on all these responsibilities for other people, even though no one forced you to? * Feeling used or taken advantage of? * Projecting your feelings onto other people? (i.e. When your partner's leaving dirty socks on the floor is no longer about dirty socks, but them not caring about you) * Feeling like you're being taken for granted or that your hard work is not being appreciated? * Feeling drained and exhausted, because you're taking on your own responsibilities plus everyone else's, and you're not taking care of your own needs? * Nagging or micromanaging? * Doing things for people that they are capable of doing for themselves, and should be doing for themselves? * Trying to manage other people's feelings or moods? * Always going along to get along? * Feeling like you're spread too thin? * Not having time and energy to do the things you want and need to do, because you're too busy taking care of everyone else? * Letting your needs fall by the wayside? * Feeling like others are not "pulling their weight?" * Feeling like you're doing more work than other people in your life? * "Checking in" a little too frequently when you delegate a task to someone else? * Always in a state of stress, chaos, and worry? * Worrying about how or whether they'd survive without you? * In an intimate relationship, feeling less like their partner and more like their parent? * Spending money you don't have or can't afford to spend on "helping" the people in your life? * Always getting sucked into drama you don't need to be involved in? * Giving out ultimatums? * Attempting to set a boundary, but then caving? * Doing things out of a sense of guilt or obligation? * Treating people less as people, but as fix-it projects? * Thriving on being the rescuer, the fixer, the go-to person, etc.? * Deriving a sense of self-worth and identity from such? * Feeling like a doormat that people wipe their dirty feet on? * Feeling responsible for other people's choices, feelings, words, and behavior? * Expecting people to read your mind, then getting upset when it turns out they can't? * Feeling like you're giving and giving and giving, and they're taking and taking and taking, and not giving you anything in return? * Trying to change other people's behavior? * Getting into one toxic relationship after another? * Feeling like you're a magnet for toxic people? * Feeling like you're losing yourself, or aren't being true to yourself? * Wearing too many hats? * Resenting the people in your life? * Not having an answer to the question, "Who are you outside of your role as _______?" * Constantly worrying about what other people will think? * Saying "yes" when you really want to say "no?"

Alter Roles

Host -  Co-Host can also fit into this definition. These alters handle day to day life for the most part by fronting the most. These alters can also grow up being completely unaware to the system growing up. This however, doesn’t apply to every host but can due to the foremost fronting.

ANP - Short for apparently normal part. Almost if not all systems will have an apparently normal part. These are grounded and rational individual alters.

Protector - These alters handle protecting the system. Mostly from trauma but other situations can and do apply. 

Trauma Holder - Alters who hold onto trauma are labeled as such. They handle often the memory of the trauma or emotions that come with dealing with said trauma mentioned.

Caregiver - This term is most popular with systems that have 1 littles. They are in charge of taking care of the littles and their needs. They also commonly help others in the system, especially the body.

Gatekeeper - Gatekeepers are in charge of managing switches, triggers. Another common thing gatekeepers control and or help take care of can include access to memories.

Helper -  Those who assist in the helping managing the system. Similar to gatekeeper.

Introjects - Alters who split off and resemble a fictional character and or often times real people as well.

Middles - Child alters. Except, this can fall under only 12-17. Age range may vary from system but it used to describe tween to teenage alters rather than tiny children. 1 Littles - Like Middles, Littles are a term to describe child alters. This however only includes babies, toddlers, and kids. E.G. 1-11 year olds. Again, age range may vary by system and doesn’t apply to everyone but that’s the typical standard.

Persecutor - An alter that typically harm the body. This can be siding with an abuser, negative. These alters can also commonly be introjects of an abuser. They typically have protective or protective induced logical behind their actions. They not to be demonized and are fully capable of healing, their actions however are not to be blatantly excused. Non-human Alters - These alters are - as self explainable - non-human. They can present as an animal, religious figure such as an angel or demon, or even a ghost or spirit. They are however not limited to these.

Sexual Alters - Alters that are formed to handle sexual abuse, trauma, so on. Do not guess their toleration to sexual acts because it varies between systems and alters. Just because they split off to handle sexual trauma does not mean they are comfortable with it.

Why maladaptive daydreaming (MaDD) should be classified a dissociative disorder

Contents:

Maladaptive daydreaming summary

Dissociative disorders summary

Diagnostic criteria

Conclusion

(~1100 words)

Keep reading

Things endos/tulpas don’t talk about or romanticize about DID/OSDD

tw: mentions of trauma, csa, abuse, hallucinations, introject guilt, self harm

Not remembering/knowing seemingly common information (math, history, trivia, etc) because your trauma blocked it out.

Introjects of abusers.

Alters with opinions/beliefs that are generally harmful (homophobic, pro-MAP, sexist, etc.)

Introjects from harmful/problematic sources because of what you used to cope during trauma.

hallucinations and flashbacks

hypoarousal and tonic immobility

hypersexual littles from previous csa

introject guilt (feeling bad for being canon divergent, pressure to be “accurate”)

nobody wanting to front and feeling empty/hollow.

fear of not being taken seriously even by medical professionals

fear of being seen as evil

system responsibility even in horrible situations

alters that self harm the body, fronting only to see you are in immense pain

having to be covert and not knowing who to trust

fear of faking or that your trauma wasnt enough to cause this disorder

species dysphoria and age dysphoria not being taken seriously because of how non-systems appropriated it

feeling disgusting or unlovable because of your trauma

feeling rage because endos/tulpas appropriated this serious disorder.

For DID awareness day, I want to bring awareness to the vast spectrum of DID and OSDD symptoms. I feel like the symptoms of these disorders are often misunderstood. Many people assume that DID and OSDD are such extreme rollercoaster disorders when that’s usually not the case for any mental disorder! I’ve also seen others who believe that DID/OSDD are just having alters and not liking them–which is also not an accurate portrayal!

The DSM’s criteria of alters, amnesia, and distress/impairment aren’t meant to be taken at the surface level. These are very simple descriptors for a spectrum of experiences that are the hallmarks of the disorders. Besides that, there are many, many more symptoms that are very common. No two people with DID or OSDD are going to be exactly the same; I think that goes for any mental disorder.

Below, I’ve written up a non-exhaustive list of common symptoms in DID/OSDD. It’s important to know that many of these symptoms can overlap with other mental disorders. DID/OSDD symptoms are always unrelated to other medical conditions or non-disordered experiences, such as substance use or epilepsy. Furthermore, these are common but not required; a person does not need to experience all of these things to have DID/OSDD.

(PLEASE don’t use this list to diagnose yourself. Seek a professional if you are questioning a mental disorder!)

Common symptoms of DID/OSDD:

C-PTSD symptoms

Since DID/OSDD are more complex forms of PTSD, you or other alters might experience the symptoms of complex PTSD. Check this PDF for the symptoms of C-PTSD.

Memory gaps

You might find that your memory is unreliable. You might lose a lot of details or misremember the important bits.

You might have difficulty piecing together a coherent timeline of your life. You might struggle to retell what your childhood or adolescence was like.

You might have moments where you’re unable to remember important life events, such as the day you got married.

You might find that sometimes you can’t remember important information about yourself or about those closest to you. This could include things such as your name or who your family members are.

You might find that you sometimes forget well-learned skills, such as driving or a favorite hobby.

You may find that sometimes you can’t even remember more recent things, such as what you did today or what the last conversation you had was about.

You might have moments where you discover evidence of your memory gaps, such as text messages you don’t remember sending or purchases you don’t remember deliberating.

There might have been times when you ended up in a different place but could not remember how you got there.

Someone might have told you that you did or said something that you don’t recall.

You might have moments where you don’t even remember the times you have forgotten things. Because of this, you may feel like you don’t truly know how much memory loss you actually experience.

Depersonalization & derealization

You might experience moments where you don’t feel in control of what you’re saying or doing.

You might feel like your body is unrecognizable, unreal, or doesn’t reflect who you are.

Familiar places, objects, and people might suddenly become unfamiliar or detached to you. Alters might feel things like “those are the host’s parents, not mine.”

You might have moments where you feel like you are in a dream or a fog. 

There might be times when watching your surroundings seems no realer than watching a movie.

You might have moments where you feel unreal. You might feel like you are invisible, two-dimensional, or a robot.

You might feel numbed to or detached from your body parts, thoughts, emotions, sense of agency, or even your entire self. 

You might sometimes experience heightened or muted visual/auditory distortions with no medical cause, such as blurry vision, muffled sounds, or tunnel vision.

Sometimes might you feel like you are watching yourself, as if you are having an out of body experience.

Being an alter & having alters

You might feel confused or distressed because you do not identify with the things that people associate your whole identity with such as name, personality, opinions, or preferences.

You might feel confused or distressed because you do not identify with the same age, gender, or species as your body.

You might feel confused or distressed that your physical body does not reflect how you feel you should look.

There might be other alters who feel the same way above but differently from you, and this may also confuse and distress you.

You might not be able to access same skills, knowledge, or talents that other alters have.

Others might tell you that you sometimes act very differently, almost like different people.

You might hear voices, such as voices arguing or commenting on your actions.

There might be times when you experience intrusive thoughts, visual images, feelings, or urges that don’t actually belong to you but to another alter.

There might be times where your body seems to be moving and speaking on its own because another alter is controlling it.

You might have moments where you involuntarily switch to a vulnerable alter. Sometimes this may result in an unsafe or distressing situation.

There might be alters who are be unaware of other alters’ existence or refuse to believe so.

There might be alters who struggle to communicate with other alters or refuse to do so.

There might be alters who have suicidal thoughts, physically harm the body, or engage in risky behavior.

There might be alters who dislike or lash out at other alters within the system.

There might be alters who still carry onto memories, thoughts, feelings, or behaviors related to past trauma.

The alters within the system may have contradicting thoughts, preferences, and opinions.

You might sometimes have difficulty making cooperative decisions with your system because of conflicting desires, needs, and perceptions.

You might have episodes where you feel like you don’t know who you are, like you’re a combination of alters, or that you’re just not like yourself.

Somatoform dissociation

You might sometimes experience pain or sensations that don’t have a medical cause, such as “switching headaches.”

You might sometimes go catatonic or become paralyzed without a medical cause.

You might sometimes experience the loss of a physical function without a medical cause, such as your sight, hearing, speech, or feelings of hunger.

Sometimes, it might feel like you are numbing out pain or sensations.

You might experience other conditions without any medical cause, such as pseudoseizures.

Other symptoms

You might experience hallucinations or delusions, usually related to past trauma.

You might feel afraid or shamed of the possibility of others finding out your thoughts.

When someone asks you to describe who you are as a person, you might feel at a loss for what to say.

You might experience mood fluctuations or like your moods sometimes come out of the blue.

You might have difficulty being aware of your own symptoms or describing the severity of them. This might be because you have had them for so long that you are used to navigating life with these symptoms.

Disorders that are commonly comorbid with DID/OSDD:

Borderline personality disorder

Depression

Anxiety disorders

Substance abuse disorders

Eating disorders

Sleep disorders

Keep reading

Should I name my alters?

Or: How much separation is too much separation?

The ISST-D treatment guidelines state: “It is countertherapeutic to suggest that the patient create additional alternate identities, to name identities when they have no names (although the patient may choose names if he or she wishes), or to suggest that identities function in a more elaborated and autonomous way than they already are functioning.” - Source: www.isst-d.org

So what does this mean? Why does this matter?

“Countertherapeutic” means “Working against a therapy”. It refers to something that goes directly against the way therapy should be approached, enacted, or provided.

Doing something countertherapeutic will make your healing journey harder, and in some cases can cause you even more harm.

Does this mean that you should never give your alters names?

No. The guidelines clearly state that it is ok to name alters, but that you should not name alters who do not have names.

A personal take on this, by a reddit user, is: “You’re supposed to discover and accept differences, not push alters to be more separate than they already are.”

Basically, if an alter has a name, or chooses a name, and wishes to be referred to by that name, then you should accept that. If an alter changes their name, you should also respect that - especially as a lot of alters choose or have names which are descriptive of their roles, purpose, or values. And as these roles or purposes might change, the alter in question may wish to change names with it.

Interestingly, “Got parts? : an insider’s guide to managing life successfully with dissociative identity disorder / by A.T.W.” actually suggests that people with DID/OSDD MUST pick names for parts/alters who do not have names. This is found in the section titled “Getting to know you”.

In this case, I believe that the purpose of naming alters who do not have names, is to identify them and link that alter’s personality, triggers, traits, etc together more easily. It is my interpretation that you do not need to pick a name, but that you do need to pick an identifier for each alter in order to complete the task laid out in that section of the writing.

Identifiers.

An identifier is a word, name, or term, which helps distinguish one person or alter from another.

For instance, at school you and your friends might refer to a fellow schoolmate as “the red haired girl”.

In a system, you might refer to a little alter as “the happy one”, or perhaps “the 6 year old”.

Identifiers like this can help make sure that everyone in the conversation knows who you are talking about. This can be particularly helpful in therapy for DID/OSDD, as it will make it easier to track an alter’s thoughts and personality, as well as helping the therapist identify which alter is having a particular problem, reaction, or any negative learned behaviours that they may need help with.

Systems will often use labels as identifiers - eg “host”, “little”, “protector”. I even know a system who refers to alters by numbers in a chronological order (that is, the first alter to become known is alter 1, the next is alter 2, and so on). This particular method is unusual, because most people would interpret this as a hierarchy, or a way of saying that some alters are more important than others.

The type of identifiers you use is up to you and your system. Make sure to remember that identifiers can change at any time - “the angry alter” may become less angry, and then a new identifier may be needed. If you do not allow identifiers to change, you may accidentally be forcing other alters to feel as though they have to act in a certain way - eg “the persecutor” may have started healing and growing, but if you insist on still calling them “the persecutor”, they may be angry or feel helpless to control their actions.

When is a name or identifier bad? - See this separate post.

What is the problem with increasing separation between parts?

It is my interpretation that pushing alters to be more separate than they actually are, will likely increase or strengthen dissociative barriers between alters, which is contrary to the goal/s of treatment (whether you want fusion or healthy multiplicity). And can make communication and cooperation even harder.

However, the ISST-D guidelines (and the personal experiences of many systems) shows that some separation, or acknowledgement of separation, is good and healthy.

Why is this? Isn’t this a contradiction?

No. To summarise, you should not force names/traits onto an alter. But you should also not refuse to acknowledge that they have a name/trait.

If you break an alter’s trust by forcing something on them, or by refusing to allow them to be themselves, your healing journey will become more difficult. All of your alters (including whichever alter is reading this) are equal. You are all part of the same person. So you should accept your differences AND similarities.

“ Taken together, all of the alternate identities make up the identity or personality of the human being with DID.” - Source: www.isst-d.org

In conclusion:

- Do not forcibly pick a name, appearance, trait, etc, for any alter.

- Do not insist that any alter must keep a previously chosen name, previously displayed trait, or insist that their appearance or age cannot change.

- Do not refuse to allow an alter to choose (or self-report) their name, appearance, traits, etc.

- Be respectful of an alter’s choices.

- Be open to helping an alter if their choice of name indicates a deeper issue, but do not push them about it.

And

- Be careful. If you decide to assign an identifier, appearance, or other indicator, to an alter: Be mindful, and watch out for signs of increased barriers, dissociation, or otherwise negative results. If you see that starting to happen, I’d suggest slowing down and reviewing what could be causing it. Talk to your therapist about it if possible.

hi,i was wondering if you have any tips on figuring out wether i might have alters/more distinct parts/a system or ”only” experience dissociation + memory issues + unstable and changing identity/sense of self (i dont mean that those are lesser problems or less severe, idk a better way to word this sorry) i know a therapist would be ideal but im unavailable to get one, at least for a few years.

Hey anon,

I'm sorry you had to wait a bit for me to answer, I really hope you'll still find this post! 😊

Though honestly I don't really have a clear cut answer. I think you can only find out by experiencing - and honestly I wish I'd done more experiencing myself, rather than trying to figure everything out by reading any and all literature I could get my hands on.

Regardless of what the right diagnosis/explanation for your symptoms would be (and I'm assuming it's psychological - but please always get memory issues checked out with a doctor if possible), the workbook by Janina Fisher could perhaps help a bit (it's called 'Transforming the living legacy of trauma').

I'd suggest trying some tools for what you're experiencing, and that's really a hit and miss. By which I mean, you'll probably try a lot of things and some of them will work and some of them will not, and some may not work now but when you try them again a year down the line, they may be useful then.

Some things that you could try to see for yourself if it helps a bit:

Practice grounding exercises (and there's LOADS of these, google can offer a lot), and for instance the emotion wheel (google has images) can help familiarize people with what feelings they are experiencing

Keep a diary/planner, something to keep track of your days. This can be as detailed or not as you want. Personally I'm really attached to my paper planner in which I just note down all my activities (I also add in spontaneous plans afterwards so later I can look back and remember what I did on which day). Other options are online agendas (like google for instance), apps like daylio, etc.

Writing. More like a diary. Stream of thoughts. What do your different sides of self have to say? Regardless of how "defined" your sides/parts are and what "label" would fit them, it doesn't do any harm to just write. Many mentally completely healthy people use language like "well partially I felt X, but partially I felt Y!" and stuff like that, you're not gonna do yourself any harm by approaching different sides of yourself that you experience with curiosity.

Try 'practical' things for any other things you struggle with. Usually this boils down to working towards a healthy sleep hygiene, creating a nice/safe space for yourself in your (bed)room/house if you can, finding things you enjoy doing (hobbies etc.), basic self care (hygiene, food, moving your body a bit if you can etc.)

Depending on the situation you're in currently (e.g. whether you still live with parents/carers or whether you have your own space, whether trauma is ongoing or not etc.), not all of these things may be possible for you and that's okay too.

Honestly, anything you can do to work towards general taking care of yourself is great. Also, if you can, write down what you experience. Write down how you experience dissociation and the other things you mentioned without diving into "but what diagnosis is this!!" (though yes I am fully aware how hard it is).

Despite what tumblr and other social media may show you, it's extremely common and normal for people with complex trauma disorders (such as CPTSD, DID, OSDD, etc.) to not become more aware until they're in a safe space, which often correlates with adulthood. And also despite what tumblr and other social media may say, it's totally fine to explore "parts of self" without knowing whether you have DID/OSDD or not. Honestly many different kinds of therapy are aimed at teaching people how to listen to all of themselves. It's just that for people with DID/OSDD/CPTSD, there is more dissociation between these parts.

Okay long story short, there's not really a lot you can do but at the same time it's a LOT you can do. You can read things (though this can be triggering and destabilizing), you can practice general mental health self care, you can work on some skills such as grounding. And I think maybe these things sound small, but actually they're massive and working on these things can be really difficult already. And working on these things can also cause a LOT of improvement already!

For now I'd suggest trying to approach your experiences as "parts [of me]" and just adjust along the way based on what you experience. It's okay to be wrong, it's okay to self-diagnose, it's okay to not have access to therapy (though I wish I could everyone that wants it a good, reliable, safe therapist), it's okay to not know what you are experiencing. And regardless of what you're experiencing, you can take tips/tricks from different places. I don't have DID, but a lot of tips/tricks for people with DID help me too. Some don't, but that's okay too. And regardless of what you're experiencing, you're not alone and things can get better.

Good luck anon, and feel free to send me another ask if you have more questions! <3

PS - just to be clear here, everything I just wrote is based on my own experiences. I am not a therapist, I am not a mental health professional, and what I say is not "the only truth" or whatever. I'm pretty sure I forgot a bunch of useful things, and it's also okay if people don't like this reply or don't relate to it or don't agree with it. Just wanted to add that, sorry 🙈

Plurality Resources (incomplete)

► Basic Terminology and 101 Topics: The Plural Dictionary Google Doc The Plural Association website Plural FAQ from The Plural Association Pluralpedia More Than One website - basics and causes Whispering Flowers website - firsthand experiences General alterhuman resources Plurality categories on the LGBTA Wiki headmatesfaq on Tumblr - check the side bar for links on desktop headmatesfaq basic FAQ headmatesfaq glossary of terms The origin of “endogenic” and “traumagenic” as terms

► Plurality Origins: Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) basics Endogenic Systems Carrd - basics and terms Fictives - Multiplicity and Plurality Wiki Introjects - Mulitplicity and Plurality Wiki r/Tulpas - Reddit community Creating a tulpa A Partial History of Plural Self-Advocacy Dissociative disorders in general

► Apps and other things for organization: Simply Plural app The Plural Spectrum Tool - not an app

► Please click here for all plurality resources compiled on this blog.

Please feel free to contact me to add new resource links to this post or correct any misinformation. This post will be updated with far more information as I find it. If any of these links are from sources that are against non-traumagenic systems or non-disordered systems, contact me to have the link(s) removed. Keep in mind that I can only speak from my own experience as an OSDD-1 system with no existing tulpas or fictives. ⚡

I have a question, for systems whove never switched before/have someone frontstuck, how do you deal with that? Like how do you get them unfrontstuck? Our host has been frontstuck for two years and we dont know what to do and we’re desperate at this point

here's some resources for switching:

https://plural.systems/posts/switching/

https://www.feathersong.org/plural-howto/feathers-guide-to-fronting-and-switching/

https://gist.github.com/Xe/b97203769acb3dfa761f#malfaels-guide-to-switching

https://write.as/within/switching

https://www.reddit.com/r/Tulpas/comments/1cigb6/selfawarebots_switching_guide/

https://www.reddit.com/r/Tulpas/comments/2f7ysm/guide_so_you_wanna_switch_do_you_really_might_be/

https://www.reddit.com/r/Tulpas/comments/5gaqye/a_quick_switching_practice_selftest_miniguide/

https://www.google.com.au/amp/s/amp.reddit.com/r/plural/comments/gk4a0z/learning_to_switch_voluntarily/

a lot of these are for tulpas, but should still work for any system

Types of Protectors

Executive/Primary Protector

Oversee general/all system safety matters

Their views and decisions about system safety carry the most weight - their word is final

(Usually) in systems with several protectors - serves an organisational purpose

Tend to be more active than other protectors

Carer/Caregiver

Focus on caring for other system members and the body (emotional & physical well-being)

E.g. hygiene, body health, taking a break when needed, emotional support & care, healthy coping mechanisms

Can be caring for a group of alters, a specific alter, or everyone and anyone in system

(Carers who take care of specifically littles, for example)

Soother

Help calm down emotions when they are overwhelming (e.g. anxiety, panic)

Can either be by supporting an alter internally, getting them to use methods to calm themselves down, or, in some cases, simply the presence of a soother helps dial down emotions

Social Protector

Handle social situations that are considered unsafe by an alter or the system generally

This can be a specific event (parties, going out with friends) or something more longterm (issues between people in a social group - friends, school, work, clubs, online communities ...)

Sexual Protector

Set (sexual) boundaries when others in system find it difficult to

Make sure sexual relations/interactions remain healthy & safe

Can also sometimes take over when whoever's fronting can't handle something sexual

Avenger

Hold anger or/and hatred towards abusers and others who hurt the system

Are often unafraid of putting their foot down when need be

Perse-Protector

Fulfill both the persecutor/prosecutor and also the protector role

Aim to protect the system, which they do successfully to an extent, however sometimes they persecute out of misguidance/misunderstanding

Believe the persecution they do is in order to keep the system safe

Oftentimes, recovering persecutors are a perse-prot at some point (not always though!)

Protectors can fit several subtypes, or none at all! Every system is unique and requires unique roles and alters to fulfill them.

(This is just the ones we're aware of, and definitions can vary slightly. Feel free to add other types or definitions! :))

the brain is literally so fucking cool

here's some fun facts bc i love reading about neuroscience

- the brain LITERALLY cannot tell the difference between what is real and imagined. this is why self deprecating jokes are so harmful and positive affirmations actually work

- contrary to popular belief, your brain doesn't actually stop growing at 21. this used to be believed but has since been proven false. you can change the LITERAL NEURAL NETWORKS OF YOUR BRAIN at any age. (tho it is true that the younger you are the higher the neuroplasticity of the brain)

- hypnosis isn't mind control. IT'S YOUR BRAIN USING HYPNOSIS AS AN EXUSE TO LET GOT OF IT'S SUBCONCIOUS BELIEFS. your brain basically uses the hypnotist as a means to ignore your beliefs. for example, if you have a fear of snakes. it's very hard for your brain to get over that fear by itself, but when being hypnotized the brain basically lies to itself and uses the hypnotist as an excuse to get over the fear.

- pure thought. PURE THOUGHT by itself, can change the fucking hardwiring of your brain. if you run every day, your brain learns to accommodate this habit and make it easier for you to run. now if you sit and JUST visualized yourself running for a couple minutes every day, your brain will do the exact same fucking thing. the brain is like "oh they seem to be running a lot. lets makes that easier for them" and will change the hardwiring of the neural networks to accommodate.

- everything you see and experience is just an interpretation of reality. technically you aren't actually seeing reality. when you think about it, we're just thought. so what the brain (aka the organizer) does, is take all the information that all the different senses provided, with all the brains previous knowledge, and creates what we experience. think of it like your personal sketch artist. (this is why illusions are weird)

Emotional Abuse

What is it?

Emotional abuse is "any act including confinement, isolation, verbal assault, humiliation, intimidation, infantilization, or any other treatment which may diminish the sense of identity, dignity, and self-worth." This is also known as psychological abuse.

Signs and Examples

Humiliation, negating, and criticizing

Name-calling and derogatory nicknames. Blatantly calls you “stupid”, “a loser”, or other insults. Maybe they use terms of “endearment” that actually highlight things you’re sensitive about and ignore you when asked to stop.

Character assassination. Includes the word “always” (always wrong, always late, etc.).

Yelling, screaming, and swearing in order to make you feel small.

Patronizing. Belittling you with mock pity.

Public embarrassment. Picking fights, sharing your secrets, making fun of you in public.

Dismissiveness. Can include snarky replies (e.g., “Who cares about that?”) and/or dismissive gestures (e.g., eye rolling, smirking).

“Joking”. Reacting strongly to your discomfort with something they’ve said with phrases like “It was just a joke”.

Insulting your appearance. Phrases like “You’re wearing that?”, or saying that they’re lucky they chose you because no one else would have.

Belittling your accomplishments. They may shrug them off, say they don’t matter, or claim personal responsibility for your success.

Putting down your interests. Suggesting your hobby is a waste of time, feeling offended that you’d do something without them involved.

Pushing your buttons. Repeatedly doing something that they know annoys you, ignoring your requests to stop.

Control and shame

Making threats.

Monitoring your whereabouts. Always needing to know where you are, maybe even showing up without notice to the place you said you’d be at.

Spying on you digitally. Demanding to have all of your passwords or making you have no passwords. Repeatedly checking your email, social media, texts, etc.

Gaslighting. Denying that specific events, arguments, or agreements happened. This can leave you questioning your own memory.

Making all the decisions or insisting that they make all the decisions. Controlling as much of your life as they possibly can.

Controlling your access to finances. Financial abuse. Making you have to ask them for money. Making you account for every bit of money you spend.

Emotional blackmailing. Attempting to get you to do things by manipulating your feelings. They may play the victim or guilt-trip you.

Lecturing you constantly. Making it clear they consider you inferior by listing out your mistakes and dragging it out as long as possible.

Giving direct orders. They expect you to do everything they say with no question.

Having frequent outbursts. Getting enraged that you didn’t or did do something, no matter if you knew to do it or not.

Feigning helplessness. Making you think they don’t know how to do something so you do it instead of them.

Unpredictability. Getting enraged one minute and taking you on a romantic dinner the next.

Walking out. This is a control tactic that leaves you absolutely helpless. Parent/partner leaving an outing without you. Employer walking out in the middle of a meeting.

Stonewalling you. During an argument or disagreement, they shut down and refuse to respond to you.

Accusing, blaming, and denial

Jealousy. Accusing you of flirting/cheating or insisting that if you loved them you would spend all your time with them.

Using guilt. Guilt-tripping you into doing things.

Unrealistic expectations. They expect you to meet every expectation they have set, no matter how unreachable they are.

Goading and blaming. Making you upset on purpose and then twisting the blame back to you.

Denying the abuse. On par with the gaslighting, will deny any inclination that they could do any harm to you.

Trivializing. Accusing you of overreacting or misunderstanding when you tell them they’ve hurt your feelings.

Blaming you for their problems. When things go wrong, they always blame you.

Destroying and denying. Destroying your belongings and then denying that they did it.

Emotional neglect and isolation

Dehumanizing you. Making you feel inferior or subhuman.

Keeping you from socializing. Changing plans or begging you not to go out with friends.

Invalidating you. Not caring about your needs, boundaries, and desires, and making you feel bad for having these things.

Trying to come between you and your family. Telling family you don’t want to see them, making excuses as to why you can’t make it to family functions, telling you your family doesn’t care.

Using the silent treatment. Ignoring your attempts at conversation.

Withholding affection. Refusing to have contact with you if you offend them.

Shutting down communication. Waving you off, changing the subject, or ignoring you when you want to talk about something.

Actively working to turn others against you. May tell others that you’re lying, having a psychotic break, or having an emotional breakdown.

Denying support. When you need emotional support they shut you down, tell you to deal with it, and/or insult you.

Interrupting. Getting in your face and/or taking away whatever you’re doing to make you acutely aware that your attention should be on them.

Disputing your feelings. Whatever emotion you’re feeling, they insist you shouldn’t be feeling like that.

This is not a comprehensive list.

These signs of abuse are the same as the signs of “narcissistic abuse” which are paraded around the internet. “Narc abuse” people fuck off.

SOURCE

How to Recognize the Signs of Emotional Abuse - Healthline

Disorganized Attachment and Dissociation

As promised, Anon, here’s a VERY quick and dirty rundown of disorganized attachment and the role it plays in the development of dissociation. Sorry it took so long ;–; This doesn’t even begin to cover it, but I hope it at least gives people a basic understanding.

Please remember, this is so incredibly brief and barely scratches the surface. It’s a really interesting field of research, and it has a lot of important (and good!) implications to therapy techniques and models. I highly encourage people that are interested to look through some of the below resources, or make a request for any specific aspects you want discussed further. Apparently, left to my own devices with a broad topic, I fail to be coherent.

What is disorganized attachment (DA)?

There are technically 4 types of attachment between a child and caregiver, differentiated by response patterns. The first 3 types (secure, insecure-avoidant, and insecure-ambivalent) are considered forms of “organized attachment”, despite the negative behaviours associated with it, because even if they’re not “secure”, the behaviour patterns are still organized and, more importantly, consistent. In other words, in all 3 types of organized attachment, the child knows exactly what they need to do to meet their emotional needs, and the patterns in their behaviour are considered organized.

In DA, though, the child is confused, and there’s no pattern to their behaviour. They’re torn between wanting to flee to, and flee from the caregiver. When a caregiver is unpredictable and traumatizing, the child has a difficult time establishing a consistent view of the caregiver, and of themselves. In other words, the caregiver is both needed, and someone to be avoided, and the child may not understand what makes them a “good” or “bad” child, as the caregiver’s behavior is often confusing and unpredictable.

It’s summed up quite well in this image:

What causes disorganized attachment?

All the same standard things you would already know about. Abuse, neglect, behaviour that’s frightening, intrusive or insensitive, and disrupted affective communication, but it really boils down to, “A parent’s consistent failure to respond appropriately to their child’s distress, or by a parent’s inconsistent response to their child’s feelings of fear or distress.” And this happens in childhood. The way a baby or very young child form attachments are the base building blocks that a child will use to build their relationships with people in the future. 

It’s important to note that it’s not just abuse that can cause a child to form DA. Sometimes loving caregivers who have experienced trauma themselves can behave in confusing ways toward the child, especially if they are suffering untreated PTSD or DID themselves. This happens because of the caregiver’s own inability to control their emotions. Traumatized parents can have a difficult time managing their emotions and providing a sense of security for the child even though they are not abusive or neglectful. Anger or fear can erupt unexpectedly and traumatize the child. 

As well, “Disorganized attachment is often the result of intergenerational parenting patterns. This means parents are responding to their children in the same unhealthy ways their own parents responded to them when they were children.”

What role does disorganized attachment play in dissociation?

This one is… A bit tough. There’s a lot of factors in play and so much ground to cover.

First, when discussing dissociation, it’s talking about it in a general sense. Everyone is capable of dissociating, and it’s simply when you become detached from reality in response to trauma– at any age, for any kind of traumatic event.  It’s also important to note that without a secure attachment style, an overwhelming event is more likely to be perceived as trauma. Basically, though, dissociation is a general symptom in this regard, not specific to any single disorder. DA is linked to dissociation, and from there, combined with other symptoms someone may be experiencing, it can become problematic and be assigned to specific mental disorders. 

So, the child needs to maintain a relationship with the caregiver– they have no one else to turn to, so the child can develop dissociation as a way to make sense of themselves, and to maintain a child-caregiver relationship. They may “forget” the abuse, or deny it. “It is an adaptive and defensive strategy that enables the child to function within the relationship, but it often leads to the development of a fragmented sense of self.” This fragmented sense of self may or may not develop into something worse– namely, BPD and DID based on severity, frequency, and whether there was any sense of reprieve (i.e. a child can avoid the worst of dissociative symptoms if one of their parents was more supportive, because it helps them build some positive attachments).

Children with DA and suffering from abuse “are likely to generate two or more dissociated self states, with contradictory working models of attachment,” in order to handle their confusing relationship with the caregiver. From there, “It is proposed that the propensity to react to traumatic events with dissociation is related to disorganization of early attachment and its developmental sequelae.” This is fundamentally the basis of why DID can’t form once the child creates an integrated sense of self. It is theorized that DA and dissociative disorders are inexplicably linked together. You can have DA and not develop DID/OSDD, but you can’t have DID/OSDD without DA. 

A lot of new research is suggesting that it’s not so much trauma as we know it (physical and sexual abuse) that is linked to dissociation, but that trauma is something that is far more discrete and insidious (longterm inconsistent and confusing parenting styles linked to DA) and that it’s only part of “a complex web of environmental, societal, familial, and genetic factors that are all likely to interact in ways that we have only begun to understand.” This is something I firmly believe in and attribute to a lot of the endogenic claims of having no trauma (and under this theory, “overwhelming events” also constitute trauma). 

Interestingly, it’s theorized that different types of attachment are linked to different mental disorders. “Attachment insecurity can therefore be viewed as a general vulnerability to mental disorders, with the particular symptomatology depending on genetic, developmental, and environmental factors.” Going back to the 4 types of attachment, the 3 insecure types can be linked to basically all types of disorders. They are all linked to depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD, eating disorders and suicidal tendencies, but those with anxious attachment are more likely to develop things like DPD, HPD and BPD and are drawn to co-dependent relationships. Those with avoidant attachment are more likely to develop things like SPD and APD and form addictive habits, and those with disorganized attachment are more likely to develop DID/OSDD. 

Sources:

Identifying Attachment Problems

How Disorganized Attachment Can Lead to Dissociation

Disorganized Attachment

Disorganized Attachment, Development of Dissociated Self States, and a Relational Approach to Treatment

Trauma, Dissociation, and Disorganized Attachment: Three Strands of a Single Braid

From Infant Attachment Disorganization to Adult Dissociation: Relational Adaptations or Traumatic Experiences?

An attachment perspective on psychopathology

Fragmented Child: Disorganized Attachment and Dissociation

Types of Timeloss

This is based completely on personal anecdote. Hope this is helpful for someone.

Soft time loss: There are a lot of different forms of soft time loss. Zoning out and feeling numb/dissociated is one of the most clear signs that you are being influenced by an alter or that one is co-present. If you can only remember the gist of what is happening in your life, you are losing a lot of time actually.

It can be helpful to remind yourself of what you’re doing day by day and month by month. As you close your day, keep a journal and remind yourself of what happened. At the end of the month, try to remember what happened, then re-read your daily journal. At first, the separation between alters may make this feel weird. There is often a lot of dissonance for multiples when they try to look at and remember the activities of other alters - a reflexive feeling of shame, fear, disgust. If you push through it, it’s so worth it because it begins the process of integrating past those barriers. I found that unless I reminded myself of what was happening, within a month things would fall away from me.

Some people experience a form of time loss where they will remember things better if the alter responsible for those events is co-present, and will find they have an inconsistent memory where sometimes they remember another alter’s activities, and other times they do not. It’s not uncommon for someone to initially remember what happened but for this knowledge to then become compartmentalized to the identities responsible for it over the course of a few days or weeks, leaving things that seemed clear initially in the dark.

Hard time loss: A sudden jump in time. This may be severe enough to be noticed by the main active parts of the personality. This is often caused by active trauma. A lot of people, especially multiples who are no longer being abused and traumatized, don’t have a lot of episodes of this. A certain degree of integration happens when safety is attained that makes it less likely. Instead, people who are safe will often experience co-consciousness or when they switch, they retain awareness of their actions.

Sleep-induced time loss: Alternate identities can switch in during sleep, although not everyone has this form of switching. I’ve noticed people with this type of switching generally have a comorbid sleep disorder like narcolepsy. This is usually caused by alters trying to hide their activities from another alter. If someone is abused in an organized ring as a child, they may have been trained (by doing things like associating different alters to different phases of sleep) to automatically switch during certain states of mind. People who have sleep induced time loss can sometimes end up trapped in their internal world as a lucid dream. This may not be noticed for a very long time by the person because they think their dreams are normal dreams - but actually, while they are dreaming, they may be active in another identity, making this not a true dream but rather is indicative of being stuck in the internal world while another identity is fronting. People who learn lucid dreaming can learn to cross the barrier between this type of extreme switching by forcing themselves to wake up while another identity is active (I did this once and woke up in the middle of a programming session.) It can be difficult to tell if you are dreaming or stuck in the internal world and it may be a while before you can catch yourself. I once caught one of my alters trying to go on an online date when I accidentally woke myself up during what I thought was a lucid dream in my internal world.

Co-consciousness amnesia: Some people have the problem where they will lose time when they are present because another alter who is actively observing/fronting will do something for a short amount of time, like say a few things to another person or take a few steps towards making breakfast, and the other identity will not notice they’ve done these things or will feel as though they have zoned out and will have a vague awareness of their actions.

Dissociative Psychosis: The apparently normal part(s) of the self are completely overwhelmed by emotional parts that are stuck in an active flashback. People with a lot of alters may end up in a cycle of flashbacks through different portions of their memory, and may spend most or all of the time in a flashback. These flashbacks can become severe enough to cause psychosis where the person can no longer tell people from the past and present apart. The person generally feels as though they are living in a fugue state. This is usually due to active trauma or a medication side effect causing rapid integration into a traumatic part of the memory. Dissociative psychoses can mimic manic episodes.

Toxic Red Flags you do, to yourself. Aka; Self Destructive Behaviours

(FYI, I've done some of these myself. Again, I'm not perfect)

Pushing people away

Pushing your friends away

Pushing your own family away

Thinking you DON'T deserve love

Thinking you are a burden to everyone

Controlling other people; what they wear, how they talk, what friends they can have and even what relationships they have

Extremely independent; refusing help (even tho, you really need it), thinking you can do everything on your own

Keep making the same mistakes BUT NEVER learning from them

Blaming your behaviour onto someone else

Blaming your condition on your actions

Lying to therapists

Lying to your friends

Lying to your family

Having double standards

Ignoring your basic needs (i.e, brushing teeth, eating good, not taking a shower/bath once a week, brushing your hair etc)

Being a people pleaser, so you avoid conflict

You expect everyone to respect your boundaries, BUT you NEVER respect someone else's boundaries (same as, double standards)

Talking about your mental health is okay BUT it's bad when someone else is talking about theirs (same as, double standards)

Trauma dumping

Everything is a trauma, including an embarrassing story that you could laugh at years down the line (example; a haircut YOU wanted, ISN'T a trauma story).

NOT accepting consent

Blocking people with no warning (same as pushing people away)

Ignoring everyone around you

Making everyone happy BUT NEVER making yourself happy

Causing arguments

Fighting and having outbursts (this can hurt people. Emotionally and physically)

Thinking you deserve less than

Self medicated (i.e; alcohol use, taking too much medicine than what your doctor prescribed, taking drugs. Weed and CBD DOESN'T count)

Attacking the ones that you love (since you CAN'T express how you feel)

Causing drama in your friendship group

Causing drama in your family

Everything has to be evolved around you

You CAN'T say "no" (same as being a people pleaser and avoiding conflict)

Being childish and and acting in a child like manner

Keeping secrets, so you're worried of back lash

Self harm

Eating too much

Eating too little

Comfort eating

Restricting your diet

Thinking you DON'T deserve food

Thinking you DON'T deserve warmth

Thinking you DON'T deserve comfort

Locking yourself away from everyone around you

Keep putting yourself into dangerous situations

Gossiping about your friends BUT the minute your friend gossips about you, you're annoyed (same as double standards)

Giving advice BUT the minute someone gives you advise, you're annoyed (same as double standards)

Having a secret life that no one knows about

Keep dating abusive people and wondering where are going wrong

Having a rude tone to people BUT when someone is being rude to you, you're annoyed (same as double standards)

Falling out with everyone

Having that mentality where you think you are always the victim and you NEVER did anything wrong

Thinking you are perfect in everyway (NO ONE is perfect)

Thinking you CAN'T make mistakes

Telling someone's secrets to people BUT the minute when someone tells your secret, you're annoyed (same as double standards)

Putting blame on abuse survivors, thinking it's their fault.

When you judge someone's interests or hobbies it's okay BUT when someone judges your interests and hobbies, you get annoyed (same as, double standards)

When you vent to someone that's okay BUT when someone vents to you, you get annoyed or get 'triggered' (same as double standards)

It's okay for you to be annoyed at them BUT when someone is annoyed at you it's 'triggering you' (same as double standards)

It's okay when you make jokes at other people BUT when someone does it to you, you get 'triggered' (same as double standards. Example; Will Smith's wife, she's fine joking about her bald head but when someone does it back, oh no you can't do that. Again, it's that double standard)

Kink shaming

Thinking you are smarter than they are

Ignoring a situation and thinking it will all go away

Ghosting someone

NOT acknowledging that you're NOT doing okay and pretending to be okay

Hiding your true feelings

Being a door mat for everyone

NEVER voicing voicing your opinions (same as, being a people pleaser and avoiding conflict)

You force yourself to stay quiet in different situations (same as avoiding conflict. Example; someone is being rude to you and you stay quiet and just nod)

Putting someone down because they don't have the same qualifications as you

Gaslighting someone and putting them down (that's straight up bullying)

You preach about your religion BUT when someone has a different religion to you and they preach that to you... You get annoyed (same as, double standards)

to those of y'all who want the feeling of sh but don't want the blood or the scars or smth:

one: take a paper mask and take out that bendy metal thing out of the top, you can hurt yourself with it but it doesn't really leave marks. it's hard to even make yourself bleed (but it is possible) but it gets that feeling of hurting yourself. it doesn't really hurt that much but it's better than nothing when you're about to break, but please use a clean mask.

two: cut your nails too short. people don't really question it and it hurts for multiple days, but be careful. your nails are dirty so wash your hands regularly.

three: scratch yourself. literally just nails against skin- BUT BE CAREFUL!!! its very easy to get carried away with scratching and if you go too far it'll just be the same as using a blade but less sanitary. your nails are dirty.

four: intentionally nick yourself while shaving. pretty self explanatory, just don't do it on your youknowwhat that shit hurts way too much and there is lots of bacteria there only do it on your legs and arms or idk chest?

five: pour wax on yourself. it's not that dangerous as long as you're careful and is a kink for some so idk you could say it's for that ig. be careful youre messing with fire.

six: wear slightly too small clothes (specifically underwear). it hurts and you shouldn't do it for a long period of time or a lot but if you wanna be in pain while going shopping or smth it'll definitely hurt.

i dont encourage s3lf h4rm and i encourage recovery, but if youre going to sh please do it safely and take care of your cvts!

pls tell me if the info here is wrong or a bad recommendation or anything ill try and fix it

On days you feel exhausted but frustrated because you feel like you haven’t done anything to be this tired, think about these things:

How longe since you’ve had a good night’s sleep? No nightmares, no waking up multiple times, actually going to bed early, not having insomnia, actually waking up feeling rested and ready to face the day?

How long has it been since you ate a properly nutritious and wholesome meal?

How long since you’ve taken a break from work without thinking about all the work you will have to do later?

Are you currently fighting any illness? Remember your body takes energy to recover.

Are you really “doing nothing” if you are constantly overthinking the fact you feel unproductive, if you are constantly stressed with the things you do and don’t do?

Have you had bad/no social interaction lately?

Are you in any physical or mental pain?

Are you taking care of everyone but yourself?

Does trying to live during a pandemic and world crisis brings you worry and stress?

Are you feeling anguish over all the burdens you have to carry but don’t seem to be able to do everything you feel like you should be doing?

Are you constantly worried? Anxious?

It doesn’t feel like you have been doing nothing now, does it? It feels like you have a lot going on that you have to deal with daily, even when you don’t consciously notice it. There is a lot of stress inducing factors around you and struggling is okay.

It is not easy to be human sometimes, so please, don’t pressure yourself so much when you are already trying to cope. If it feels like everything is too heavy, please ask for help.

Please take care of yourself. 🌱

What are some common consequences of being neglected as a child? source: r/emotionalneglect

Pete Walker identifies neglect as the "core wound" in complex PTSD. He writes in Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving,

"Growing up emotionally neglected is like nearly dying of thirst outside the fenced off fountain of a parent's warmth and interest. Emotional neglect makes children feel worthless, unlovable and excruciatingly empty. It leaves them with a hunger that gnaws deeply at the center of their being. They starve for human warmth and comfort."

Self esteem that is low, fragile or nearly non-existent: all forms of abuse and neglect make a child feel worthless and despondent and lead to self-blame, because when we are totally dependent on our parents we need to believe they are good in order to feel secure. This belief is upheld at the expense of our own boundaries and internal sense of self.

Pervasive sense of shame: a deeply ingrained sense that "I am bad" due to years of parents and caregivers avoiding closeness with us.

Little or no self-compassion: When we are not treated with compassion, it becomes very difficult to learn to have compassion for ourselves, especially in the midst of our own struggles and shortcomings. A lack of self-compassion leads to punishment and harsh criticism of ourselves along with not taking into account the difficulties caused by circumstances outside of our control.

Anxiety: frequent or constant fear and stress with no obvious outside cause, especially in social situations. Without being adequately shown in our childhoods how we belong in the world or being taught how to soothe ourselves we are left with a persistent sense that we are in danger.

Difficulty setting boundaries: Personal boundaries allow us to not make other people's problems our own, to distance ourselves from unfair criticism, and to assert our own rights and interests. When a child's boundaries are regularly invalidated or violated, they can grow up with a heavy sense of guilt about defending or defining themselves as their own separate beings.

Isolation: this can take the form of social withdrawal, having only superficial relationships, or avoiding emotional closeness with others. A lack of emotional connection, empathy, or trust can reinforce isolation since others may perceive us as being distant, aloof, or unavailable. This can in turn worsen our sense of shame, anxiety or under-development of social skills.

Refusing or avoiding help (counter-dependency): difficulty expressing one's needs and asking others for help and support, a tendency to do things by oneself to a degree that is harmful or limits one's growth, and feeling uncomfortable or 'trapped' in close relationships.

Codependency (the 'fawn' response): excessively relying on other people for approval and a sense of identity. This often takes the form of damaging self-sacrifice for the sake of others, putting others' needs above our own, and ignoring or suppressing our own needs.

Cognitive distortions: irrational beliefs and thought patterns that distort our perception. Emotional neglect often leads to cognitive distortions when a child uses their interactions with the very small but highly influential sample of people—their parents—in order to understand how new situations in life will unfold. As a result they can think in ways that, for example, lead to counterdependency ("If I try to rely on other people, I will be a disappointment / be a burden / get rejected.") Other examples of cognitive distortions include personalization ("this went wrong so something must be wrong with me"), over-generalization ("I'll never manage to do it"), or black and white thinking ("I have to do all of it or the whole thing will be a failure [which makes me a failure]"). Cognitive distortions are reinforced by the confirmation bias, our tendency to disregard information that contradicts our beliefs and instead only consider information that confirms them.

Learned helplessness: the conviction that one is unable and powerless to change one's situation. It causes us to accept situations we are dissatisfied with or harmed by, even though there often could be ways to effect change.

Perfectionism: the unconscious belief that having or showing any flaws will make others reject us. Pete Walker describes how perfectionism develops as a defense against feelings of abandonment that threatened to overwhelm us in childhood: "The child projects his hope for being accepted onto inner demands of self-perfection. ... In this way, the child becomes hyperaware of imperfections and strives to become flawless. Eventually she roots out the ultimate flaw–the mortal sin of wanting or asking for her parents' time or energy."

Difficulty with self-discipline: Neglect can leave us with a lack of impulse control or a weak ability to develop and maintain healthy habits. This often causes problems with completing necessary work or ending addictions, which in turn fuels very cruel self-criticism and digs us deeper into the depressive sense that we are defective or worthless. This consequence of emotional neglect calls for an especially tender and caring approach.

Addictions: to mood-altering substances, foods, or activities like working, watching television, sex or gambling. Gabor Maté, a Canadian physician who writes and speaks about the roots of addiction in childhood trauma, describes all addictions as attempts to get an experience of something like intimate connection in a way that feels safe. Addictions also serve to help us escape the ingrained sense that we are unlovable and to suppress emotional pain.

Numbness or detachment: spending many of our most formative years having to constantly avoid intense feelings because we had little or no help processing them creates internal walls between our conscious awareness and those deeper feelings. This leads to depression, especially after childhood ends and we have to function as independent adults.

Inability to talk about feelings (alexithymia): difficulty in identifying, understanding and communicating one's own feelings and emotional aspects of social interactions. It is sometimes described as a sense of emotional numbness or pervasive feelings of emptiness. It is evidenced by intellectualized or avoidant responses to emotion-related questions, by overly externally oriented thinking and by reduced emotional expression, both verbal and nonverbal.

Emptiness: an impoverished relationship with our internal selves which goes along with a general sense that life is pointless or meaningless.

im tired of ppl misusing these terms so:

codependent does not mean two people who have a strong attachment and are very clingy towards one another

codependent means a specific type of unhealthy relationship where one person engages in unhealthy/self-destructive behaviours and the other person becomes their caretaker whilst enabling them, out of a need to feel needed

trauma bonding does not mean two people find common ground because they've both been through similar traumatic events and grow close because they understand each other's experiences

trauma bonding means bonding to your abuser as a survival strategy or due to manipulation. (similar to the concept of stockholm syndrome)

Hi everyone,

I thought I would share this interesting comparison chart between Autistic traits vs Autistic trauma. I found this pretty informal, so I hope some of you do too.

Autism Traits

Autism Trauma

I suspect quite a few people on this site don’t realize they are struggling with the effects of chronic trauma. In particular I think more people need to learn about the symptoms of C-PTSD.

Distinct from general PTSD, Complex PTSD is caused by prolonged, recurring stress and trauma, often occurring in childhood & adolescence over an extended period of time. There are many risk factors, including: abusive/negligent caregivers, dysfunctional family life, untreated mental/chronic illness, and being the target of bullying/social alienation.

I’m not a mental health professional and I’m not qualified to diagnose anyone, I just remember a million watt light bulb going off in my head when I first learned about C-PTSD. It was a huge OH MY FUCKING WORD eureka moment for me—it explained all these problems I was confused and angry at myself for having. The symptoms that really stood out to me were:

Negative self-perception: deep-seated feelings of shame, guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, and stigma. Feeling like you are different from everyone else, like something is fundamentally ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ with you.

Emotional avoidance of topics, people, relationships, activities, places, things etc that might cause uncomfortable emotions such as shame, fear, or sadness. Can lead to self-isolation.

Learned helplessness: a pervasive sense of powerlessness, often combined with feelings of desensitization, wherein you gradually stop trying to escape or prevent your own suffering, even when opportunities exist. May manifest as self-neglect or self-sabotage. (I remember watching myself make bad choices and neglect my responsibilities, and having no idea why I was doing it, or how to stop myself. Eventually I just stopped caring, which led to more self-neglect.)

Keep reading

I do want to say a thing I missunderstood about DID when I was "new to it" was that I thought all repressed memories were things I did not remember happening, and while some of them are like that, MOST of the "recovered memories" was more often things I had written off as normal, didn't realize how much damage it took and only realizing it then, or things that were blurred over that I cpuld guess what happened but not actually see it clearly.

For the first year or two we said we never had any sexual trauma, not because we didn't know OF the events, but that we did not remember how bad it was or the damage dealt. We later recovered some of that lost details, emotions, and damage and was left to process it as a "recovered memory"

Do you know any credible sources on “programming” specifically? I am unclear on the actual definition, I think I went through some things that could be described that way but I don’t understand the difference between “programming” and “grooming” trafficking victims. I previously have only really heard explanations on what programming supposedly is from untrustworthy, conspiracy-ish sources talking about like government mind-control in pop music, but I don’t want to disregard the whole concept if there is better information or research on it.

The term "programming", as I understand it, has fallen out of academic favor due to the connections you mention. Because of this, its definition is somewhat fluid, but I'd generally define programming as:

"The process of using trauma-induced dissociation to implant specific sets of instructions, messages, learned associations, and triggers to produce desired behavior in a victim. It is, at its essence, an extreme form of conditioning, and relies on the use of dissociated parts (alters) to effectively control the victim's mind."

Another source, ra-info.org (one of the oldest sites about RAMCOA on the internet) puts it this way:

"Programming refers both to the process of teaching part of the mind unquestioned obedience and to the content of what is taught. Thus you can say that a person has been programmed to suicide under certain conditions, or you can talk about a suicide program that is triggered (activated) by certain words or conditions."

Grooming for trafficking purposes may or may not use programming methods, as programming requires a level environmental control that not all situations can muster. Programming also typically involves... Well, weirder, more intense stuff. For example, most trafficking operations are not going to use spin programming, but rely more on basic cause & effect. Additionally, grooming may have more of a focus on positive reinforcement, while programming typically doesn't.

And programming is just one end of a large spectrum that encompasses many forms of conditioning, grooming, and abuse; some cases may have some elements of programming (like manipulating dissociative responses to create alters) while not having the structure necessary to do a good job of it. (That's what our case looked like!) Trafficking organizations may not have the money, access, space, or time to implement full programs.

But sources that mention programming by name do exist, and most give their own definition of programming. I'll throw them under a cut because this post is already getting long.

Dialogues With Forgotten Voices by Harvey Schwartz (2000). Generally a great resource so far, I haven't read all of it but what I have gone through is enlightening. Programming is mentioned all through the book but 330 is where more specifics are discussed. Index starts at page 499 so you can peruse topics by your own discretion. His other book, The Alchemy of Wolves & Sheep, covers similar ground (RAMCOA) but with a unique focus (forced perpetration). It's in my pinned post.

Both of Alison Miller's Books, Healing the Unimaginable (2011) and Becoming Yourself (2014). Many survivors swear by these books, and they use the term "programming" throughout. I haven't read these yet but you'll see them referenced constantly.

Safe Passage to Healing by Chrystine Oksana (1994). Another "classic", another book I haven't touched yet. Discusses programming quite a bit and is meant for survivors.

Many of Steven Hassan's works use programming in a slightly more "casual" manner from what I can see—referring to brainwashing at any age in the contexts of cults, as that's Hassan's focus—but helpful for many regardless.

Spin Programming: A Newly Uncovered Technique of Systematic Mind Control by John Lovern (1993) and Common Programs Observed in Survivors of Satanic Ritualistic Abuse by Neswald, Gould, and Graham-Costain (1991). Lumping these together despite the different authors because they're in my "I can't 100% trust these but the information is, in general, useful and many survivors share these" category. The first also includes sketches by survivors, but we're partial to the second one because we don't have spin programming.

On top of this list, there are HUNDREDS of sources that do not use the term "programming" but regardless, refer to similar processes. Too many to list. I hope this is a good starting point though!

what are the first steps you would recommend for someone who thinks they may have gone through RA/OA/RAMCOA?

Here's some tips that I and others have recommended. I want to emphasize that I am not a professional, just a survivor with experience and some research under my belt. What helped me may not be what helps you.

Track! Your! Symptoms! This is the best advice I can give you. RAMCOA is all about repetition and patterns, and being able to look at reoccurring symptoms on specific dates, times, triggers, etc. can give you a clue into what happened. If you are a system/pwDID/pwOSDD, see if certain alters/parts show up in specific ways too.

Do not try to figure it all out now. Don't overanalyze everything, don't obsess over every detail, don't scour your system (if you have one) for information. You will not learn everything right away. If you did experience RAMCOA, you may experience some severe internal retaliation for pushing too hard, and no one deserves to be hurt. It's a hard lesson to learn; everyone wants to solve all the mysteries as fast as they can, but it's infeasible.

Similarly, don't overload yourself with external information. It's almost compulsive at first, the want to research and explore the topic, but that can create some issues. You can end up triggering yourself (RAMCOA related or general trauma related), accidentally mess with your own memories, and you won't retain much at first. I'd recommend only baby steps at first when it comes to research, and specifically overview sites and not journal articles or case studies. Give yourself a break. It's scary and stressful to go through all of it.

Don't worry about the lingo yet, either. RAMCOA survivors use a lot of specific terminology and I promise, if you choose to, you'll learn it in time. You can also ask here or other blogs about what stuff like "screen memories" or "CSEC" or "Beta" mean. It's unfortunately a big barrier to entry with these communities but don't stress too much about it.

Find community. A lot of spaces for RAMCOA survivors are specifically welcoming to unsure folk, and encourage questions and discussions. If you come off anon/DM, I can guide you to spaces (primarily private Discord servers) that are run by knowledgeable people who aren't old conspiracy theorists, as it seems most spaces these days are.

What you remember may be confusing, contradictory, outlandish, or downright impossible; this doesn't mean you're faking or a liar. Abusers are known to mess with their victims memories, and this goes double during RAMCOA. Costumes, stage magic, film or music, and flat out lies are all in the toolkit. Additionally, factors like dissociation, (often forced) substance use, dehydration & hunger, lack of sleep, etc. can warp memories. Don't take what you recall at face value, but don't throw it away, either. "Crazy" memories are often substitute beliefs or smokescreens that when re-examined, tell a "more true" story. And it's okay if it turns out you didn't experience RAMCOA at all. You're not faking our a liar in that case, either.

Our story was different than most; instead of suddenly remembering trauma, we always knew we experienced what we did, we just didn't have the words for it. (Especially since our situation uncomfortably straddled the line of "too organized to be considered 'normal' CSA, but not organized enough to be considered a formal group whatsoever".) We found that communities online have been a lifesaver in navigating our past, present, and future as survivors.

Take care! Aisling

I am seriously thinking about making a big post about this

Can people stop pushing the idea that you shouldn’t share information about RAMCOA at all? Yeah, sharing detailed information about programming publicly or with people who don’t need it can be dangerous, but it’s already such a taboo topic to the point where a lot of survivors feel like they can’t even speak up about what happened to them. And they have the right to, they endured it.

If you’re saying “be careful how much you share about programming” that’s valid. I’ve seen a lot of people saying that and that makes perfect sense. But “don’t talk about RAMCOA” do people not realize that’s what many of the perpetrators of this type of abuse want? They want total silence. They go to insane lengths just to ensure survivors can’t talk about this. They thrive off secrecy. They’re protected by people’s ignorance. This is a widespread issue that requires a societal effort to put a stop to. How will that happen if people aren’t educated on the fact that this happens, at the very least?

I know a lot of people can use this info to hurt people or get some sick pleasure from hearing about the abuse. But that doesn’t take away the need for this to be heard and known about. Stop silencing survivors.

hey there! if you dont mind me asking, what does programmed mean coming from a traumagenic system? ive only ever seen endos use that one so im curious what it means to someone who Legitimately has DID. /gen thank you! :-)

Hi, I'll answer this the best I can.

Programmed means that someone has undergone trauma programming. It's not exclusive to dissociative systems either - a singlet can also be programmed.

If you've been trauma programmed it just means that somebody has purposely used a more "organised" form of abuse to change or control you, and it leaves an imprint on who you are.

In systems this can mean having alters who behave in a way / have an identity that suits an abuser's preference, but it can also be done to singlets in small ways such as an abuser programming you to have a phobia of something.

But essentially, it's when an abuser has purposely used abuse and/or stressors to change the way you think or behave.

Honestly I don't know how an endo could claim to be trauma programmed bc that would mean they're not endogenic. To be programmed you literally have to undergo immense trauma that's how it works. But that's what it means anyway.

- Leo

Hey, so definitely don't go into more details than you feel comfortable with but if you can, could you elaborate on systems forming pseudomemories because they researched programming? Like developing completely false memories of programming when they aren't, or?

Hey constellation!

To be completely honest, I don’t know how well I could do that because I’m in heavy denial for the memories I currently have. I often try to tell myself they’re not real/they are pseudomemories so that I can like…feel better, I guess. Lol. Iykyk.

The reason I said that is because of what I read when I looked into RAMCOA, including alllllll of the warnings that were given to me from other victims of RAMCOA and ignored them like a dumbass and researched anyway.

They told me it was super common for non-RAMCOA systems to get pseudomemories. I honestly don’t remember how they explained it, I apologize. Something along the lines of “if you hear about a trauma situation that vaguely seems like it could make sense you may jump to conclusions” sort of thing. Gonna do like a really basic example here:

If you have a phobia of spiders (common in anyone really) but you read about a trauma scenario involving torture with spiders you might be like “Oh GOD! I have a spider phobia! I must have spider related trauma!” And anyone can be good at running with an idea and overthinking and imagining all these horrible scenarios.

HOWEVER

This is not always the case. If you feel you have genuine programming or memories regarding them it’s probably best to NOT fuck around and find out and find a specialist that can treat that because if you poke the bear it can get hella messy. It’s better to be safe than sorry. It’s better to realize they are pseudomemories later than assume they’re pseudomemories and dig deeper to figure out the “real memory” and realize that IS the real memory and massively destabilize the system.

However! (x2)

I stand by my original reply to that one person that if you haven’t already looked into RAMCOA, Don’t. You will not find good things. Whether you have progs or not. It’s not a fun thing to read about.

TW on this next part for what progging would be used for, NOT detailed at all, just be aware that I will be talking briefly about CSA/MC/suicide related things.

Wanna add that not all programming is done the same. I sorta brushed past that in that last reply, but I wanna make it more clear: not all programmers are super skilled or have done it a lot to make a fully programmed system. This sort of thing takes massive amounts of work. YEARS of work. And the stuff that happens is usually massively fucked up. I can only imagine some people not involved in a literal organized cult who specializes in this stuff who try will give up for some reason or another, or may not do it “well enough” or may modify things they’ve learned from other proggers to fit their own needs. Programming/mind control is usually done to fit the abusers/proggers needs, which means one’s programming could be at the level of like “Monarch Program” shit or like, more simple MC/progging for sex-related tasks or compliance or suicide programs for protection of the abusers.

Hope that answers your question. DMs are open, I’m absolutely okay to talk about this stuff carefully.

-Dorian

People can jump on my ass all they want for this but it’s actually super shitty to treat a RAMCOA survivor like shit because they share too much information. And I don’t mean being angry at them, I mean harassing them, bullying them, and refusing to respect them as a survivor even if you don’t like them as a person.

You need to keep in mind that despite the risks of what they’re doing, they still went through these things. They suffered and still suffer. And above all. They’re a human being. Be fucking considerate of that.