Jaze, A Mix Between All My OCs.

WHY / WHY ME (repeated)

“Stop justifying, defending, and explaining yourself. If something is correct for you, move forward with confidence.”

— Unknown

I ripped out years of trauma and pain then acted out and left everyone and everything while having mental health crises I can't even remember happening and at the end I don't find myself suicidal anymore. Just dealing with repressed anger and deep loneliness and PTSD and also regret for putting my feelings on others or trying to be friends with old friends or find a way to restore lost relationships. It's left me feeling estranged and like nobody is out there that can understand my POV. I never thought I would be alone without friends or unable to live on my own. Or that my abandonment issues would lead me down this road completely. I never thought I would fuck up so badly without meaning to to the point where I just feel like I would cause people guilt by association. But I've always felt like a burden. It was how I was raised and treated and still am to this day. Every day I deal with feeling inadequate in every capacity. I wish there was some sort of reprieve and I had a friend left. But most of all I miss my reputation. Schizophrenia is an all encompassing illness and it really ruins things for you. Ontop of that I feel like I most likely have undiagnosed borderline or bipolar even though I don't relate to cluster b personality types from everything I've read. But then there's times I don't think or even feel anything at all.

If only I could go back in time and get a redo.

“At some point you just have to let go of what you thought should happen and live in what is happening.”

— Unknown

"you need to let it go" that would be really cool, unfortunately I'll take it with me to the grave

i pretend it doesn't bother me but it's tearing me apart.

Schizophrenic people aren't evil!

We cannot help who we are. We experience a lot of horrifying things, and sometimes react in ways people don't understand. We don't always have control over our own actions. It isn't our fault.

computers, spirals, general tech.

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