Strongshape - Mishmash

Adapted from Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

What is a need? (Adapted from this article)

It’s important to be connected to our needs because true needs are always in our best long term interest. Our needs for air, food, water, shelter, community, companionship, autonomy, respect, etc. are all in our best long term interest to fulfill.

Wants, on the other hand, don’t necessarily correlate with long term well-being. In fact, many wants, when fulfilled, actually contribute to our long term detriment.

Put another way: needs refer to the conditions that must be met in order for us to live a balanced life; whereas wants are strategies we use to fulfill our needs. This is why needs inherently map to long term well-being, while wants don’t have such a correlation. Wants can either contribute to our long-term wellbeing, or they contribute to our long-term detriment. In order for our wants to be good for us in the long-term, we must understand which needs they map back to.

Ideally, we should be connected to our needs first, and our wants second. When we become disconnected from our needs due to past trauma, we rely too heavily on our wants to guide our decision making. The disconnection from our needs increases the likelihood that we will attach to wants that lead to our long-term detriment. 

they’re just straight up beautiful

This goes out to the survivors who haven't spoken up because they're afraid of not being believed,

I believe you.

To the survivors who have been called a liar, or been told things like "maybe you just misunderstood,"

I believe you.

To the survivors who haven't been believed because the other person is so well loved or well respected by others,

I believe you.

To those who have been silenced, shoved aside, or ignored,

I believe you.

To any and all survivors,

I believe you. I believe you. I believe you.

A lot of pop psychology gets thrown around and since I already have a headache, here's preventing you lot from making it worse.

Love-bombing: A manipulation tactic of increasing affection and grand gestures before or after doing something abusive, specifically to weasel one's way out of consequences.

What it is not: A streak of affection and generosity towards friends/loved ones.

Trauma-bonding: Knowingly traumatizing someone to take advantage of their vulnerable state, to then act like the "hero" or the one who cheers them up.

What it is not: Bonding over similar traumas.

Gaslighting: *Knowingly* convincing someone they cannot trust their own perception of a situation in pursuit of one's own narrative.

What it is not: Misaligned perception of events.

Narcissist: Someone afflicted with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, a traumagenic cluster B disorder, that struggles with self-obsession, paranoia, craving validity from the public, delusions of grandeur, and social disconnection.

It is not: Your rubbish ex that cheated on you.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

-Xanthe

the "feeling like something is wrong with you that you have to hide" background noise is often a result of childhood trauma because an abused or neglected child who doesn't rationalize their mistreatment runs the risk of alienating themselves from what little shelter and care is actually being provided. it's theorized that blaming yourself at that age is a way to survive by coming up with a justification for why you're being abused so you don't blame your caregivers for your own suffering, thereby alienating them to the point that you are fed or sheltered or protected even less than you are currently. believing you may be able to "change" so that you're worthy of love also prevents despair/giving up. it's of utmost importance to the survival of very small children to develop a worldview that keeps them alive, even if it's by totally magical thinking and at the cost of their ability to perceive reality or navigate normal human relationships. the same thing can happen to adults in abusive domestic situations.

anyway once you're out of that situation it's time to get really pissed off

I did the best I could with the amount of time, energy, and knowledge I had in the moment. I am a part of nature; like crashing waves or seasonal fruit trees, I will not be perfectly consistent. I am not failing or falling behind, it makes sense why it didn’t work out. I didn’t have the resources or people that I needed to complete that thing successfully. I will find them. It is everyone’s first time living and we are all learning how to navigate it together. I forgive it all.

By the way, you’re worthy now.

Not when you’ve healed. Not even when you started your healing journey. You don’t need to be in a certain place on your healing journey.

You are worthy now, as you are. You don’t need to “earn it”.