Mcapriglioneart

A necessary reminder for you and for me. I will allow myself to hurt but I will not let it consume me. I will feel everything I need to and still, in the end, pick myself back up.

They left you on read, and now you feel like spiraling. So the question is, what do you do? I want to specify that for this post, I am talking about pre-established friendships.

First of all, stop and take a breath if you can. A lot of times, we have urges to spam message someone, or send messages asking if they still care about us, or even urges to be passive aggressive because we feel hurt. This can damage your relationships though. If you are struggling with urges, please read about Urge Surfing. The goal of urge surfing is to "ride the wave" of an urge. Another suggestion I have is to try some grounding exercises to pull yourself out.

In most cases, being left on read does not equal rejection, even though it can feel that way. The next thing to do is to find an alternate reason they might not be responding. Here is a list of possible reasons here, but keep in mind that there are numerous other reasons that are not on this list. People have downtime sometimes, but it doesn't mean they want to fill that downtime with talking to people. Even people who are important to them. And that's okay. It doesn't mean they care about you any less.

If you are feeling rejected, challenge those thoughts. I personally keep screenshots from my loved ones that tell me they love me that I can read back when I need a reminder. I also keep a list of things they've done that show me they love me. Here's a post on challenging thoughts.

The next thing I recommend doing is to focus on distraction. A really great skill for that is ACCEPTS. Here's a write up on that here.

Below the read more is some stuff for some long-term coping/communication. It can totally be skipped though if you were just looking to get through an immediate situation.

Sometimes, greater communication might be needed. While no one owes you unlimited access to them, it might be good to set up plans with people who may feel too drained to talk (possibly for days on end), or even friends that may open a notification and then get distracted and forget to reply (and no, this doesn't mean they don't care about you.)

In the first case, it's so valid to feel drained from talking to people. And while people are allowed to take space they need, sometimes it can be a lot for us if it's going on multiple days. It is possible to find compromise. For example, I have one friend who feels insecure if I go a few days without talking to them. For us, we've established a specific emoticon that I can send that says "Hey, it's not you at all. I just am not up to talking right now." I send the emoticon if it's going on a couple days because I don't want to leave them hanging.

For the second case, someone forgetting, in situations like this it might be good to establish beforehand what an acceptable amount of time is before you can send a follow up nudge. While my best friend and I talk a lot, sometimes she forgets to do stuff that we need for the business we run together. We've discussed that it's okay for me to nudge her once a day because she does genuinely forget.

There are also different rules for different friendships. For example, my best friend is allowed to absolutely spam me. The messages can be related or not. But we've established that it's okay if I'm not up to answering, and in this specific friendship, it doesn't drain me if she messages multiple times because there is no pressure on my end to respond.

Either way, it's okay to talk to your friends about situations like this. Is there an acceptable amount of time they're okay with you sending a follow up message? Is it okay if they aren't up to replying to your message, but have the energy to send you an emoticon or even a picture of their pet without responding to the actual message? (Sometimes I have the energy to share memes, or pet pics, but don't have the mental energy to answer a bigger question, and my friends know and are okay with me coming back to the question later while continuing on the conversation in other ways.) If they frequently go quiet because of their mental health, is there a compromise for both of you? Sometimes, it isn't even about our insecurity but that (especially with online friends) we may be concerned for their well-being and would like an indicator they're okay.

Remember that sometimes friendships aren't compatible, and it isn't a reflection on either of you. But if your friend isn't able to compromise and you feel constantly stressed/worried, then maybe the friendship isn't compatible. And that's okay! It's okay to need to walk away from a friendship even if someone hasn't actually done something "wrong."

A lot of my anxiety about being left on read went away as I worked on my own healing and coping. I used to make my life all about my relationships, and I'd feel lost if I was alone. It took me a long time for me to find an identity outside of other people, and it was so worth doing.

A traditional + digital art combo featuring a cat creature 🌸🐱

I’ve really been enjoying mixing traditional with digital lately and this one will also be turned into an mini animation soon ☺️

I hope you’re having a great week 🫶

the "feeling like something is wrong with you that you have to hide" background noise is often a result of childhood trauma because an abused or neglected child who doesn't rationalize their mistreatment runs the risk of alienating themselves from what little shelter and care is actually being provided. it's theorized that blaming yourself at that age is a way to survive by coming up with a justification for why you're being abused so you don't blame your caregivers for your own suffering, thereby alienating them to the point that you are fed or sheltered or protected even less than you are currently. believing you may be able to "change" so that you're worthy of love also prevents despair/giving up. it's of utmost importance to the survival of very small children to develop a worldview that keeps them alive, even if it's by totally magical thinking and at the cost of their ability to perceive reality or navigate normal human relationships. the same thing can happen to adults in abusive domestic situations.

anyway once you're out of that situation it's time to get really pissed off

Arthur Rimbaud (b. 20 October 1854)

Sometimes life is about the little things you can look forward to! It doesn’t have to be big or grand, just something that makes you happy.

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i am silently rooting for all of you, all the time. even if we have not spoken, even if we barely know each other, know that i see you, i hear you, and i am rooting for you. it’s so easy to go about life feeling isolated and alone, but know that i am always rooting for you and the things that you hold dear to you. i do not mean it in a shallow or facetious way, clearly, i can’t ever know all your good days and bad days, but know that i am sending a silent wish to whoever is listening that things go well. there is always someone rooting for you, on the good and bad days and everything in between.

we are all “difficult” sometimes. that doesn’t make you a problem or a burden or an inconvenience. it makes you a human being with feelings.