Strongshape - Mishmash

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They’re fascinated by the plane’s crash as much as the takeoff.

To some extent, I think people maybe enjoy watching reality shows (such as the ones on TLC) in hopes of witnessing someone act erratically or have a breakdown or behave in a way that makes the viewer feel better about themselves. “At least I’m not that bad.” I have friends who watch those shows and have said as much about their motivations for watching. Maybe this is normal. I can’t blame anyone for wanting some form of reassurance that they aren’t “like that” and that they’re fairly normal. This is based on limited information. It’s hard to fathom how many different events a person has gone through in their life. I still remember new things I had forgotten over the years. Some of them make me cringe.

But when is life a straight path from A to B? We don’t know the circumstances that led to someone being the way they are, not unless they provide that information. It’s never simple. Speculation can be cruel, if not outright harmful. There are some things people don’t learn or haven’t learned yet. My parents tried. It’s complicated when you’re raised by people who have to grow through their own immaturity and formative events. Both of them went through heavy circumstances, as did a few of my grandparents. What do you do when you’re growing up with parents and grandparents who didn’t have tools to cope with their own traumas?

They tried. I’m trying. I don’t know if it’s possible to come back from being so socially inept that I don’t realize what I’m saying doesn’t come off as well-intended as I think it does or that people need breaks from me or that someone stepping back to think about a situation doesn’t mean that they hate me or stopped loving me. But I do know that I can and need to make an effort to be warm, to try to understand. It’s my responsibility to heal no matter how upsetting it is to be in this situation. How many times have I hurt someone else with my incompetence? Probably many.

I often wonder how many others are like me or used to be like this, if it’s possible to change. I think my inner child wants to accept love and to give it back. I don’t know how. Sometimes I get the feeling that people don’t believe me.

The loss of my father is sinking in. He had nothing but love for his family and friends. I sorely wish I could have been as personable and loving as he was. He could talk to anyone. He helped everyone as much as he could. I wish things would have been different. So much of it.

And I wonder how many people out there have faced a similar struggle or are still grappling with their demons. Sometimes it’s a very public struggle, and sometimes you’d never guess it was happening because they keep it quiet. You don’t want to put it out there at the risk of being rejected. But then it’s not always easy to hold it in. I hate my explosive episodes, the fear, the paranoia that if I let people get too close they will hurt me or that they’re planning to hurt me.

Then there’s the ever present feeling of having no place in the world. Do I belong here? Why am I not normal and what’s it like to be normal? Do people compare their worst behaviors to mine and thank whoever for not being like me?

Show me someone who hasn’t fucked up. Show me who someone who has never erred. Show me someone who can honestly claim that they’ve never hurt someone without meaning to do so.

We are flawed.

Examples of Irrational Thoughts/Cognitive Distortions:

These are common errors in thinking. And sometimes these distortions can cause us distress or other strong emotions.

Black and White Thinking: This is all or nothing thinking. For example, if you see yourself as failing at one thing, you think it makes you a failure at everything. "I didn't pass my driver's test. I can't ever do anything right."

Overgeneralization: This is where if one thing happens that is bad, you assume all things will be bad. For example, "I woke up late this morning. This day is doomed to be terrible."

Ignoring the Positive: You disqualify any positive and focus on the negative. Maybe you got an A on a test, but are disregarding that because you messed up somewhere else.

Jumping to Conclusions: You ignore facts in favour of your own interpretations. You may assume your friend hates you despite them inviting you to the movies the day before because they gave you a short response.

Mind Reading: This is making a conclusion about how someone else is feeling. "My friend hates me. I can tell."

Possibilities to Cope with Irrational Thoughts / Cognitive Distortions

Check the Facts: Here’s a post I wrote on this.

Challenging Irrational Thoughts: Here’s a post I wrote about this.

Examine the Evidence: Here’s a post on this.

You’ll likely find that most of these possibilities are very similar. One of the more common ways to deal with thoughts like the above is to use evidence and logic because it gives our brain something solid to use. Just telling ourselves that our thoughts aren’t real isn’t often helpful enough whereas evidence can help make it more convincing.

I’m going to include a couple other links I think may be helpful:

Emotional Permanence: Here’s a post on it. This one I think is important to understand because if we lack emotional permanence then it makes it that much easier to forget about anything other than the feelings in the current moment which make reinforce any negative thoughts.

Needing Reassurance: Sometimes our distorted thoughts lead us to second guessing our loved ones. Here’s a post about that, how to cope with it, and how to get reassurance in a healthy way if needed.

Some General Tips:

Learn about the different types of irrational thinking and cognitive distortions. (I don’t have them all listed). Being able to recognize them can be helpful itself. I find when I’m able to realize it’s a cognitive distortion, I’m able to move beyond it easier.

Keep a list of our accomplishments that you add to. This can be helpful in times we need reminders if we often have thoughts about us being a failure anytime we make a mistake.

Keep screenshots of loved ones and/or lists of things they’ve done that make you feel cared for. This can be helpful if we often have doubting thoughts about loved ones as a result of our cognitive distortions.

Think about what you’d tell a friend. If a friend failed a test, would I think they were a failure?

Sit with the discomfort. Sometimes, we know a thought is irrational and all we can do is get through it. Telling myself “it’s an irrational thought. I can sit with it. I don’t need to act on it” can be helpful. Acting on my feelings to irrational thoughts often damages my relationships or has other negative effects. But as uncomfortable as the thoughts are, learning to just sit with them instead of acting on them prevents some negative consequences.

Journaling. You can journal about your thoughts and feelings for a set amount of time a day and then mark the irrational thoughts. This can help us learn to recognize them when we’re having them.

Focus on something else. Sometimes the thoughts are too distressing and the best thing we can do is distract ourselves. You could reach out to a friend, watch a favourite show, enjoy an activity, etc.

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