Living With Cptsd - Blog Posts

I write this with

melancholic music

blasting in my ears.

It's comfortable,

relatable.

It's hopeless,

as I long to be.

I'm not the past version of myself who didn’t rest,

I'm not okay and I need the help.

If my mental illnesses weren't enough, the seasonal cold has been sitting on my head making my mind even more cloudy and jammed. How is any of this fair?

My mother once told me that she would have dreams that she was attacking and yelling at her own mother.

I did not speak up about the fact that I had these same dreams about her.

Suddenly I was in the shower. I looked down and my legs and my feet weren't my own.

It was like I was watching a movie or a cutscene in a video game.

Trying to put clothes on a dead eyed stranger.

Everything hurts, i have chronic pain everywhere. I dont want to do anything. It huts, it hurts. Where is your humanity for me? Am i sub-human in your eyes? Dont you get it? IT HURTS. I cant eat, i cant sleep, i cant do anything without pain. Do i deserve it? Is that what you think?

1/21

{ starting today!! }

Hey y’all, i just wanted to update you on school. Previously i was too stressed to do anything. Today, I’m going to start reducing my stress and try to get some school work done. Im going to make a healthy and productive dinner, as well as doing box breathing when my anxiety starts pulling me under. Also I’m going to get off my bus home like 5 stops from my house so i can get some walking in.

Update y’all tonight if i feel better ( i know its not going to work immediately, ima check in every day!)

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UPDATES!!!

1/21: Hey y'all, I feel pretty energized. I didn't end up doing my homework but I plan on doing it later. I felt really tired after eating. ٩(•̤̀ᵕ•̤́๑)ᵒᵏᵎᵎᵎᵎ

1/22: FEELING GREAT!! Lolz i might just be in mania, BUT, i feel energized and happy. Also i did my homework plus studied! ^_^

1/20

Hey guys! ٩(ര̀ᴗര́)

Heres a short vent:

Tw: ana/sh/crybaby

Hey yall, im struggling like usual! /srs tho.

Im falling back in the ACTUAL PITZ OF HELL i crawled out of, i relapsed (sh) and every inch of confidence i had, got snuffed out this weekend. I got kicked out for 4 days and all my friends told me i was annoying/called me ugly x2 or just said sm that hurt my feelings.

Context: my best friend (hes my best friend, im not his) called me annoying for alway following him around while we’re in the city hanging out, plus just talked shit abt me. All my friends call me ugly, like i just get voice messages of people calling me a ugly bitch.

Lolz idk why either because i literally try to be the nicest friend; i go to their sport events, i buy them food when they don’t have any at home, i inquire about their personal life, and like so much more.

It literally hurts my feelings so bad that they don’t care about me like i do them. I’ve LITERALLY gave these people ALL i have, both physically and emotionally. But they just don’t like me, i dont know whats wrong with me, its just like everyone automatically hates me. It makes me feel so guilty for being alive, it makes me feel so weak.

Im kinda giving up on friendships, Sometimes i think like, what about me makes me everyone hate me? I think, why do i make everyone want to hit me? I wish i could just be invisible all the time so i couldn’t be annoying and bother anyone. Idk, even just saying this stuff makes me want to say sorry,

im sorry. :p

🐦‍⬛On chronic illness and existential dread (not edited)🪺

I hope this year I will do more things. Choose to do more things I want to do instead of being afraid. This year I might have the privilege of spending the small amount of energy I have towards things I wish I would have already experienced. But this fears, oh, this fears.. their claws hold me tightly. They whisper „it’s not the right thing, you only have so little, don’t give it away for the perfect or the most important thing“… and I end up not using the small amount of energy. Like a fool. Like a naive, hopeless fool.

I wish I could save energy in a way, that I can stay curled up for days be then have a big eventful trip or just a day where I don’t need to „look at the watch“ (the energy-meter, if you will). But every time I go to sleep, I wake up with a feeling of regret. Every time I go to sleep, I am afraid of the next day. And I long for it, desperately, because maybe, just maybe, it will be the day when I finally move the claws away and am allowed to live?

Scared to disappoint myself, scared of what I have already lost, of the time that already passed. And longing for a fresh day, a fresh start, a fresh chance, just one more chance, I will not fuck it up! And then I do. But I am so tired of myself… it’s not a choice I keep telling myself, because 99% isn’t a choice, but this 1% is so painful. To see my Trauma and fears guide me instead of my knowledge and my hope. Good thing, that hope is patient. But am I? I have to be.

I shall walk when I can, cook when I can and laugh when I can. I shall experience what’s there to experience, no matter how small it seems to be in comparison to others, to those, who don’t live my life. To those, who, (for now?) are healthy. Or can afford the Great Denial. I shall write, I shall paint, I shall sing, as long as it’s possible. I shall get up early when I can and go to sleep early, because my body needs it. I shall be kind to my body, because it’s suffering from the same illness I do. Because it feels, like we aren’t the same, like there is me and there is my body. And there is the tiny child who wants to play, and the most scared adult, who is afraid to move at all, because what if violence will return?

But it will not. I deserve to live what’s there. And next time maybe I will have more.

I deserve to experience the beautiful simple things, because they are what makes life worth living.

In the Summer 2023 I started my jurney of ✨re-wiring my brain ✨ to learn again how to read, how to draw, how to write. How to LET MYSELF do those things. I had a huge blockage in my head for many years due to reasons. You know, trauma alters brains. Also, when you work through Traumata or masking or similar, you might “delete” some connections which leads to #skillregression. Skill regression is a real thing, look it up. And we can sometimes alter it as well by re-learning, by creating new connection. Also, learn something that was “lost” to skill regression. I wish people would research it more, it actually could help so many folx to be able to do things without suffering or do things in general.

So, anyways, since summer 2023 I have been trying to teach myself to read again. I could only read scientific stuff and stuff for my uni (not always, but sometimes) and never finish anything, it was super duber hard labour, my anxiety was yelling and I was trying to concentrate on words in a text while being screamed at by different parts of my brain the whole time. Very tiring. But yeah, it worked, I can sit down and read when the brain fog is not very strong and on some days I can read the whole book in one sitting. Or two books, depending on the size.

So, I just wanted to say, that since then (summer 2023) untill now (March 2025) I have read 38 books of different nature. Sure, some people read 52-60 books a year, but I am not some people. I have issues :) and my Disability is disabiliting 24/7, sometimes more sometimes less. So, I am super proud of myself. I did not believe that it was possible, but it worked. And there is a loooong way to go to learn doing other mostly fun things without feeling like I actually went through an underground passage where everyone is crying, screaming and yelling in fear and despair. That’s how reading felt like 2023 and beginning oh 2024..

(In the last pictures are not the books i‘ve read but I did finished most of them)

I cried so much today because I was upset about my trauma and this song made me feel better

My father always told me that crying is just a manipulation tactic, so I have to cry alone, which is hard to do as his 24/7 caregiver.