Things That Seem Small Can Be Really Brave:

Something my friend and I were talking about that I think is important is what can happen sometimes when abuse stops.

For my friend, she expressed that her mental health got worse when the abuse stopped. And we talk about that because for a lot of survivors, it’s what happens when we’re feel we’re safe now and our brains begin to process the trauma. But there can be other reasons, too. And for her, it was because she suddenly didn’t feel important anymore. Because while the cruelty sucked, it made her feel she mattered. After it was done, the person was indifferent to her and it felt worse to her.

And I asked her if it was okay if I talked about this because it isn’t something I’d thought of before and I imagine there’s a lot of people who could benefit from me sharing her experience so you know you aren’t alone.

If that’s how you feel, your feelings are valid. And it doesn’t mean you deserved the abuse. It’s okay if your feelings are complicated. You aren’t alone and you are still worthy. Always.

“I’m not into convincing people I’m worthy. I’m into people who’ll convince me on my worst days that I’m still worth the world.”

— Reyna Biddy

This goes out to the survivors who haven't spoken up because they're afraid of not being believed,

I believe you.

To the survivors who have been called a liar, or been told things like "maybe you just misunderstood,"

I believe you.

To the survivors who haven't been believed because the other person is so well loved or well respected by others,

I believe you.

To those who have been silenced, shoved aside, or ignored,

I believe you.

To any and all survivors,

I believe you. I believe you. I believe you.

To my fellow survivors who weren’t believed, were dismissed or invalidated. 

I’m here and I believe you. What you went through was very real and what you feel is completely valid. 

You deserved so much better. 

how avpd might impair your ability to process information/cues when in social situations

avpd can cause hyper-vigilance

this means you are constantly scanning for danger

because you are constantly scanning for danger, you might pick up on incidental actions of others and reinterpret them as rejection (for example thinking everyone who laughs in your earshot, must be laughing at you, when it isn't the case*)

because you are constantly scanning for danger, your processing systems in the brain become flooded and overwhelmed

this means there are no capacities left to actually process the impulses in depth -> everything ends up being labeled a threat

only option left -> withdraw to a safer space with less impulses

alternative, if you don't withdraw: you are then left with a flood of vague sensations that you are not safe

if you are constantly scanning for danger, you are expecting dangerous social cues. this leads to a chance for misidentifying things, overthinking, etc...

as your anxiety goes up you become overwhelmed -> the capacity to process information goes down: a stressed brain is bad at thinking

in this anxious state, everything gets labeled a threat in a scattered way

fleeing environment confirms what you already think about yourself: "you're an anti-social weirdo who can't socialize" -> more shame and embarrassment

this makes you search for even more proof next time you're in a social situation

this cycle is self-perpetuating

🌀VICIOUS CIRCLE! 🌀

coping mechanisms like trying to calm yourself down by thinking about what you're have for lunch later, etc... might even make things worse, because you are not there in the moment, might appear absent-minded, scattered, which can lead to actual rejection or negative reactions from those around you.

this then confirms what you already think: "people hate you, etc..."

i took these notes while listening to this podcast: Avoidant Personality Disorder - Sensitive, Vigilant and Socially Anxious. i really liked the breakdown of the cognitive processes, because they perfectly map onto my behaviour. the podcast is for therapists by therapists and unfortunately didn't offer much in terms of what someone who is suffering with avpd can do, to counteract this. it was more about advice for therapists. however, it was still a great insight and i recommend giving it a listen. especially the first 35 or so minutes that offer different explanations for what causes avpd and how it shows up in people.

*just an addition here: those of us who have been through bullying know that sometimes people are actually laughing at you. if you've been through it before it obviously makes this worse imo. but still, people laughing now, are not laughing at us. especially strangers. and even if they are, it's important to have skills to deal with it and not let it worsen our mood, make us anxious, etc...

Reminder that you're actually interesting. Your hobbies are interesting, your interests are interesting, you are important and loveable and people appreciate you. You're just a loveable, interesting person.

things to not dwell on:

people who treated you badly

things you can’t change

comparing yourself to others

things to think about more:

baby animals

people who love u unconditionally

good things in your life that make you happy

days and times to look forward to

Artwork Copyright © Tyler Spangler

Shop: shoptylerspangler.com

"why should I get invested in shows if they'll just get canceled" I was deeply invested in Heroes (2006) and it was not canceled, it just got really terrible. I also got really invested in the sandwich I had a few weeks ago despite it only lasting like 15 minutes. You must embrace the ephemeral. You must be willing to love things that may not love you back, that might betray you, or that may die an untimely death. As the great philosopher Mr. Mitchell Lee Hedberg said "I'm not gonna stop doing something because of what happens at the end."