Latest Posts by theangelwithawand - Page 3

On Crowley in the Book of Job

Season 2 Spoilers below:

I just…I’m having a hard time with Crowley tempting Aziraphale to eat.

Like, we just established that Crowley is not capable of true evil.

And he and Aziraphale clearly know each other enough to have a dynamic. Aziraphale clearly knows Crowley enough to have faith in his fundamental hidden goodness. And despite all of his pretense, that faith means something to Crowley.

So…why tempt Aziraphale? It feels so…uncharacteristically sinister.

Is he trying to get Aziraphale to fall too? But why? Some part of him obviously likes Aziraphale.

Maybe he’s trying to prove a point? But what is he going to do if Aziraphale falls over this? How will he carry that for eternity?

Maybe he knows Aziraphale won’t fall, and that’s the point? But how would he know that?

What’s the point?

On Aziraphale and Insecurity:

Spoilers below:

I completely forgot about the speeches Shax gives to Aziraphale. So much makes sense now.

- She says, “I didn’t think you were his type”

- She calls him “Crowley’s emotional support angel”

- She teases him about his love of human things, specifically food. Something Gabriel makes him feel bad about multiple times in season 1.

She brings up every perceived failing of his, and then moments later is given (read: manipulated) into atoning all of his flaws.

And him and Crowley both being angels who aren’t actually very good at it would put them on equal footing.

No wonder he makes the choice he does.

On Gabriel:

Spoilers below…

Oh, I see. Gabriel doesn’t care about Earth. (I never thought he did, but I just figured it out).

He didn’t just leave because he knew Heaven would drag him back.

He was trying to get himself cast to Hell to be with Beelzebub.

Which is sweet, but so…so selfish. Literally the opposite of what Aziraphale wants, who is selfless to the point of ruining the only thing in his existence that matters.

Season 2 Spoilers:

The only way for this to be fixed is for Aziraphale to be put in one last, very dramatic “Crowley and/or Humanity vs Heaven” situation.

And he chooses Crowley. He chooses their side. Bonus points if he does it instinctively.

Maybe we bring it around to the “I’ve never killed anything” bit from season one.

Neil and fic writers feel free to use this. Just give me credit. 😂

And when this happens, it’s gonna feel so good.

And it better end in their garden in the South Downs.

On Crowley’s Misunderstanding

Good Omens Season 2 Spoilers Below:

In episode 2 when Crowley asks Nina about Maggie she says, “Not a thing. Definitely. We’re just friends. Actually we barely know each other.”

This is verbatim what Aziraphale used to say about Crowley. And Crowley, who misinterprets the understanding between himself and the angel, says “Got it.”

He doesn’t get it. Yeah, it’s an excuse but it doesn’t mean “this is the person I’m deeply in love with, I just can’t say it”. It means, “We have some kind of deep connection but we haven’t worked it out yet”.

And Crowley just doesn’t seem to get that heaven is still a big part of Aziraphale.

He rejects Aziraphale too. Aziraphale asks him to go to Heaven with him and Crowley says no. And we the audience understand why, but Aziraphale doesn’t.

They’ve clearly never talked about any of this before.

Plus, throughout the entire season, he doesn’t seem to consistently know where Aziraphale’s loyalties are.

He says “the existence I have carved out for myself.”

Aziraphale is the one to say “I thought we carved it out for ourselves”.

Crowley straight up says that Aziraphale only calls when he’s bored, when he needs to gush about his good deeds, or if he needs something.

After meeting Muriel, Crowley says, “I don’t know how your lot have stayed in charge all this time.”

My point is dolphins that they need to communicate!!! Both of them are at fault for what happened, and yet how could they possibly know any better?

“I’m Jemimah and I made this pot!”

What a mood.

On the Nina and Maggie Parallels

Good Omens Season 2 Spoilers Below:

I love Nina and Maggie, and love everything they say in their final scene. But they got one thing wrong.

Yes Aziraphale does believe in magic. That he can fix a system beyond repair. But he’s nothing like Maggie aside from aesthetic. He does not show his emotions, not really. Not when it counts. Maggie tackles emotional issues head on while Aziraphale is the literal embodiment of repression.

Crowley isn’t an exact parallel to Nina, because he’s never actually opened himself up. Despite all of the atrocities he’s seen, he’s still got a bit of hope and optimism.

For all of his hard edges, Crowley believes in magic too. He believes in love confessions in the rain, in looking into someone’s eyes and knowing it’s meant to be. That “one good kiss” means happily ever after.

Good Omens Season Two Spoilers Below:

Remember when the bandstand and “you go too fast for me” and “someone killed my best friend” were our biggest problems? Those were simpler times.

On one hand, I don’t want the “Metatron drugged the coffee” thing to be true because character development and recognition of religious trauma, but on the other hand…

Also don’t listen to Queen’s These Are the Days of Our Lives unless you want to sob.

There’s a road to the South Downs, they’re just taking the long way.

(Luckily, the Bentley gets great mileage.)

On the Ineffable Bureaucracy Parallels

Good Omens Season Two Spoilers Below:

It’s easier for Beelzebub and Gabriel to run off together because they were the abusers.

Aziraphale and Crowley lived in constant danger for simply interacting, let alone if they had an actual relationship.

Gabriel and Beelzebub were also the ones in power and weren’t really facing the threat any kind of punishment.

I think their relationship is very sweet, but ultimately, it is nothing compared to the beauty and complexity of Aziraphale and Crowley.

I think Neil used a crackship to make a point. He could’ve given Aziraphale and Crowley a fluffy angst-free get together like Beelzebub and Gabriel do.

But how is that meaningful? (Obviously, part of me says “screw meaningful and let them be happy”)

How is that fateful to these characters?

That’s not who these characters are, at least not yet. Aziraphale in particular has personal growth to do before being with Crowley, he still has learning to do.

He’s finally allowed himself to accept loving Crowley, but wants to take the path of least resistance to be together. One where they aren’t actively hated by two very powerful agencies.

There’s a road to the South Downs, they’re just taking the long way.

On Wording in the Final Scene

Good Omens Season 2 Spoilers:

I’m doing a rewatch, but it has taken all day to watch the season. I keep pausing because I know what’s coming.

But now The Scene is here and…I discovered something that made it so much worse.

Aziraphale says, “Obviously you said no to Hell, you’re the bad guys.”

He doesn’t say “they” he says “you”.

We know that Aziraphale doesn’t see Crowley as a demon not really. Crowley knows what he is, but Aziraphale sees him as a Fallen Angel. It probably doesn’t help that Crowley also often minimizes his own Fall (like telling Aziraphale that he sauntered vaguely downwards). It probably confuses Aziraphale even more. He can’t reconcile that Crowley is a demon who is nice.

And I don’t think Aziraphale wants to “fix” Crowley. I think he sees Crowley’s Fall as a mistake, and that Crowley deserves to be an angel (because he still thinks angels are good).

And it makes sense for Aziraphale to think this way. He just witnessed Gabriel’s redemption. Gabriel who tried to brutally murder him, and callously dismissed human life.

And yeah, Beelzebub is a demon falling in love, but Aziraphale probably explains this as “Beelzebub is another Fallen Angel (rather than demon)”.

Which could perhaps mean that his view of evil is a little more complicated than anyone, himself included, give him credit for. He thinks demons are evil, but not beyond redemption.

But in the moment, Crowley doesn’t think about any of that. He just hears Aziraphale call him “a bad guy”. After everything. In the moment when it matters most, Aziraphale lumps him in the evil category.

And both my heart and Crowley’s shatter a little bit more.

Guys, I figured it out. The subtitles are so bad because they let the demons type them.

On Aziraphale and Crowley in the Final Scene

Season Two Spoilers Below

Alright, I’m gonna go on the defensive for Aziraphale.

Crowley is 100% justified to feel the way he does. He put himself in a vulnerable position, and was rejected. He wanted to be Aziraphale’s first choice for once, and yet again was denied it. More than that, Aziraphale wanted him to change (even though I think Aziraphale thinks he’s saving Crowley) so that they could be together.

But I don’t think Crowley realizes just how deep a hold Heaven has on Aziraphale. He knows and straight up says that both sides are toxic, but he doesn’t seem to get how hard it can be to leave a toxic relationship. I also don’t think he understands how Aziraphale’s faith in the righteousness of God is a part of his character.

Plus, Aziraphale finally feels validated in the eyes of Heaven, something he’s always wanted.

I cried so hard when Aziraphale got into that elevator because I was thinking of all the times I stayed with a toxic friend group, or with my abusive ex.

It hurts so badly to watch a character I love make a mistake that I’ve made.

Aziraphale’s Possible Reasoning in the Final Scene

Season 2 Spoilers Below!

Okay, unpopular opinion, but I kind of understand why Aziraphale may think Crowley would want to be an angel again, if we put aside the queer allegory of conformity for a moment.

Aziraphale probably remembers the first time he met Crowley (then Rafael) when Crowley was building the stars. Crowley had such a look of genuine joy and wonder on his face.

Aziraphale thinks he is being kind. Obviously, yes he still wants to fix Heaven, which is a futile pipe dream.

But, Aziraphale wants to give Crowley the stars again, and he thinks bringing him back to heaven is the only way to do that.

Aziraphale wants to save Crowley from an existence of eternal damnation. To forever protect Crowley from Hell which he sees as the only source of evil and torture. He still has his blinders on and doesn’t realize this about Heaven.

He just doesn’t realize that Crowley doesn’t need the stars and he doesn’t need saving.

At least that’s what I’m telling myself to cope.

I can’t with these reviews:

- “Indulgent, Romantic, and an Ineffable delight”

- “The Sweetest Love Story This Side of Heaven”

- “A lovey-dovey shipper’s delight”

Like, these last hours are killing me!!!!

Also, I hope they put the opening of Aziraphale’s book shop in. It was deleted from the first season, but it’s such a great “crowley being mischievous and also needing Aziraphale more than anything” scene.

So, I’m rewatching Season 1 of Good Omens because we are hours away from Season 2. (I’m very normal about this obviously).

Anyway, I noticed a line that I had never really thought about.

And I finally realized just how hopeful this series is. It’s something I so desperately needed so enjoy…

After Warlock’s birthday when Aziraphale and Crowley are in the car, Crowley mentions that “it’s the last [party] they’ll ever have”.

So…he doesn’t think this plan is going to work. He thinks the world is going to end, The whole “influence the antichrist” plan is his idea, but he doesn’t think it will work.

The funny explanation is that he is convinced after seeing Warlock’s behavior (which included bullying Aziraphale. How dare), he comes to the conclusion that Warlock (who he still believes is the antichrist at this point) is pure evil.

However, Crowley has been visibly less optimistic about their chances (as seen on the bus) for awhile.

Even after Dog is named he bleakly states “we’re doomed.” Yes, he could mean himself and Aziraphale, but his back-up plan is to run away together. I like to think he’s including the two of them along with the humans. Earth is their home as much as it is the humans.

But despite everything, he still tries. He still does his best to save the Earth.

Yeah, he doesn’t want to lose his easy life on Earth where he doesn’t need to work hard and he can drink and drive and listen to music and see Aziraphale relatively unnoticed.

But deep down, despite all of the bad he sees humanity commit, he still thinks that they are worth saving.

When he’s in his apartment, yelling at God, he expresses that She “shouldn’t test them (humanity) to destruction. Not to the end of the world.”

A demon from Hell who has seen the worst of humanity for 6000 years still thinks we’re worth saving. Because he’s also seen the good. And for him, that’s enough.

And that’s honestly so beautiful.

No, I didn’t want Midge and Lenny together. I give them an HEA in fanfic, because it’s nice to imagine a world where they can make it work.

My problem isn’t that Susie didn’t tell Midge. I don’t mind character flaws, it’s just that the ones they chose came out of nowhere. The gambling thing hadn’t been mentioned since early season 4, and the Susie’s whole ‘we’re not friends’ thing stopped in Season 2. Even all of that aside, it’s the fact that the writing for that plotline (and by extension the characters) give Midge so little agency in her life. Midge’s entire arc has been about her finding her path and becoming independent. Susie has been saying from the beginning that Midge needs to learn the ways of the world, and their relationship is central to the show. I think it would’ve made for a stronger arc if Susie had told Midge what happened (opening herself to Midge) and the two of them figuring it out together.

I didn’t want Midge in a series of brief, failed marriages. I didn’t want her in love with Joel 15 years on because I do actually like their friendship. I wanted to see Midge be given the agency she deserves.

Season 5 Episode 6 spoilers below:

Gotta love how Joel went behind Midge’s back to solve the problem with the mobsters. He could’ve shown her the book or went back to her to raise his concerns again now that he had tangible proof. But no. It’s Joel, so he has to lie and go behind her back about stuff that pertains to her own life. This man has learned absolutely nothing.

Also hate that he’s trading pictures of her in prison. He specifically asks for the panty pose picture which is so gross. He got mad at someone for having it in S3 but whatever.

I almost rage-quit when Midge said she was still in love with Joel. I still hate her romance plots this season. Gordon is gross. The stalker guy is gross. Joel still sucks. The guy literally blamed Midge for Mei leaving and ending the pregnancy. Yeah Midge was probably still a little jealous since Joel was such a huge part of her life, but there’s a lot of concern for her children driving it as well. “I don’t want them calling you mom.” Is a line that especially has a lot of insecurity behind it.

I guess the rest of the episode was okay. Unsurprisingly, Alex Borstein was great, but I am totally on Midge’s side in regards to her fight with Susie. Susie should’ve told Midge the truth.

I almost cried at the ending.

I miss Lenny. But that’s why we have fanfic.

Also, I know it was a joke, but Midge says she and Susie had sex in Pensacola and refers to their fight as a “break-up”…so…I want to see that story.

Everyday it’s been getting closer and now it’s here!!!

I don’t know what to do with myself!!!!

I reread this snippet from the book:

“Aziraphale had tried to explain it to him once. The whole point, he’d said—this was somewhere around 1020, when they’d first reached their little Arrangement—the whole point was that when a human was good or bad it was because they wanted to be. Whereas people like Crowley and, of course, himself, were set in their ways right from the start. People couldn’t become truly holy, he said, unless they also had the opportunity to be definitively wicked. Crowley had thought about this for some time and, around about 1023, had said, Hang on, that only works, right, if you start everyone off equal, okay? You can’t start someone off in a muddy shack in the middle of a war zone and expect them to do as well as someone born in a castle.”

And I had a few thoughts:

1. Aziraphale and Crowley spent 3 years straight having a philosophical debate. (This isn’t a whole lot of time considering their lifespans). Or they just spent three years around each other, then this rebuttal spontaneously occurred to him, and he blurted this out to Aziraphale out of nowhere (kind of like how the “ducks! That’s what water slides off” incident, just more prolonged).

2. Aziraphale and Crowley saw each other once in 1020, had this debate, and Crowley thought of nothing else but Aziraphale (more specifically Aziraphale’s argument, but still…). He came with this answer and either hung onto it in nervous excitement until he sees Aziraphale again or actively seeks out Aziraphale immediately to make this counter argument. He says it even in lieu of greeting before he can forget it.

Side note: I also think Crowley really wants to show off to his bookish angel that he’s smart too.

Star Wars Headcanon:

When Leia makes her light saber, she styles the hilt to look like the Rhindon sword.

Cal Kestis’s Lightsaber

Cal’s lightsaber is cool. I know the reason for the stances is because video game, but character and story-wise it makes sense too.

The different stances give Cal increased adaptability for different situations. It plays into the whole “Survivors. We adapt.”message.

It also shows Cal’s natural combat prowess. No one taught him to wield these other stances, he figured it out on his own, building on a strong foundation from Jaro Tapal.

It’s also a great reminder of his scrapper days. Light sabers are notoriously difficult to build and modify, and for Cal to build such a complex weapon, it is clear how much Prauf taught him on Bracca.

Finally, I love what the double bladed saber represents for Cal. He builds it on Ilum after overcoming a moment of hopelessness. He takes the broken crystal and uses it to make a double bladed saber that can split apart. He adapts.

A lot of people comment that his double bladed stance feels really powerful compared to others, and I can’t help but wonder if that’s on purpose. Story-wise it makes the most sense for it to be the one he favors. Yes, he usually defaults to a standard saber in cut scenes but that’s the one he was trained on. He’s also had the double sided saber since the first game, meaning he’s had five years of training with it. He’s had the split sabers too, but he used them as a special attack within the double sided saber stance.

As much as I love Jedi Survivor, I don’t think the studio understands how crossguard sabers work. I understand having it be a heavy two-handed weapon because video game, but crossguard sabers aren’t from a custom emitter. When you bleed a crystal wrong you need vents to emit the excess energy. It’s nothing game breaking but I think it’s funny.

I’m sure that I am not the first one to come up with this headcanon, but I like to think that Cal changes his lightsaber color from its canonical blue to green after starting something with Merrin so he can match her magick. Because Cal is dorky like that.

Also, the lightsaber he uses technically isn’t his. It belonged to Jaro Tapal.

Anyway, thanks for my too-long meta analysis of me reading too deeply into things that probably only exist because of video game mechanics!

The Jedi Fallen Order recap is like:

Trilla: We seek a dangerous fugitive.

Then it hard cuts to a cute ginger with shaggy hair, freckles, and a poncho who has a little smile, a droid best friend, and who gave their lightsaber to a nightsister who was threatening him five minutes earlier.

Princess and the Scoundrel Thoughts

Spoilers ahead:

First of all, the title and cover of this book are ridiculous. The art is pretty, but the pose looks like a cheesy romance. I think they’re paying homage to Courtship of Princess Leia, which while that story is hilarious, is one of the worst Star Wars books ever. But we get the Dathomir witches so it’s fine I guess.

On the other hand, Princess and the Scoundrel, is one of the best Star Wars books. Despite everything, despite all of the obstacles this book had from the beginning, it succeeds as having some of the best and most subtle character work in the entire franchise. Which is hilarious, because this book literally only exists to market a hotel. But Beth Revis said, “yeah, but what if it was good and I actually tried?”

Now, Beth Revis has clearly read COPL. You can tell and it’s kind of hilarious. For example, in COPL, there is a really long scene where Han plays sabacc (space poker) during a bout of insecurity and wins a planet to give to Leia and he uses THE MILLENNIUM FALCON for collateral. Han Solo would never do this. Now in PatS, Han plays sabacc while Leia is working to help her out by gathering intelligence. One of the players mentions that he wants to kidnap Leia (not knowing who Han is), and Han almost murders the guy. It’s awesome.

Here’s the thing, you can tell when Leia is being written by a woman instead of a man. In COPL, there is one moment where it’s brought up that if Leia marries Isolder there will be a planet for the survivors of the Alderaani genocide, but it’s only mentioned a few times and not by Leia. So any opportunity for a duty vs love internal conflict is not used. Her conflict is “Han and I are distant and space Fabio is hot so…”. Then HAN KIDNAPS LEIA USING A MIND CONTROL GUN. And she doesn’t murder him. So…I don’t care about this relationship anymore because both of them suck and it isn’t even clear why Leia falls in love with Han all over again.

Beth Revis gives Leia a very multi faceted internal conflict. Part of it is her dealing with her feelings about Vader, about being part of a team, and her guilt over Alderaan. It doesn’t take up too much time, but they inform a lot of her character.

Now, in a different canon book, that came out previously, it was mentioned in passing that Han and Leia got married on Endor. Now, at that point in both the EU and Canon, Han and Leia have been forcibly separated for a year and only actually got together a little bit before that. So, that’s really weird. But Revis is stuck with this. So she says to herself, “Why would they do this? Why would they move this quickly?”

And she remembers that this is Star Wars. They are living through war, they all almost died, and just spent a year forcibly separated. And they’ve decided that they’re done wasting time. Han just kind of…proposes and Leia (in typical fashion) debates for a second before deciding to take a leap of faith for love. It’s genuinely very, very sweet. Despite the title and cover this is not a romance book. There is no “will they won’t they” bullshit. Thank. God. They just get married and it’s really happy and Lando pranks Han into dressing nice, and it’s great. Then it’s a Star Wars adventure featuring Han and Leia.

That’s not to say Han and Leia don’t have any tension between them. The difference is it’s interesting. Han and Leia, especially her, do not know how to fully let each other into their lives. It isn’t that Han forgets for a bit that he married a very driven woman. He absolutely knows. His frustration stems from the fact that they are literally on their honeymoon, and Leia keeps leaving to work, because that is all she knows how to do. It is how she has coped with her trauma for three years. On the other hand, Leia feels like she is solely responsible for saving the galaxy, and that Han doesn’t understand that. Both sides of this argument are understandable. The book switches between Han and Leia’s perspectives. There are no stupid cutaways to Luke or space Fabio, there are no space witches. It is a focused relationship/ character study of Han and Leia while they’re on a decently interesting mission.

And the build up to the fight they end up having, is great. It’s a slow build up, you can feel their mutual frustration, and once they have the fight it is very cathartic. They don’t fight for the entire book either. They flirt and tease and have real conversations too.

So, after this huge fight, Leia is trying to divert the cruiser they’re on to this other planet, and Han finds out and helps her. Together, they succeed, but Leia is confused. They haven’t made up from their fight yet, and she asks why he helped her fight to go on a mission that’s going to take up more of their time. And Han says, “You’re my wife. If you’re running a con, I’m going to help you.”

Now, this might just be one of my favorite lines. Beth Revis understands that Han Solo is very loyal to the few people he cares about. He loves Leia, it’s why he goes back for her on Hoth at his own risk, why he saves Luke at Yavin and on Hoth. (She also understands the little bit of dorkiness Han Solo has beneath the posturing, up to the point that she gives him a sweet tooth.) Neither of them are overly mushy, they just love and respect each other.

There’s this great symbolism with their wedding rings. They’re made of hardened amber by the ewoks, and their fragility is a constant reminder of Han and Leia’s issues. They crack under pressure, and have to be maintained carefully. They eventually end up breaking under immense water pressure, but Han gives Leia a new ring (the one she wears in the sequels) reminiscent of the amber ones, symbolizing that they’re coming out stronger. It’s so sweet, and while it’s a little bit on the nose, it’s a great literary technique.

He’s acknowledging that he recognizes this part of Leia’s character, Leia realizes she needs to also put him first. In the aftermath, they both feel bad, apologize, and resolve to work on their issues together. And when they make-up, it feels real. This runs through the entire book, and the way it ends is really satisfying. Now, we know what happens to them in the sequels, so we can see how this conflict may come back into play later and lead to their eventual separation in canon. But, it’s also easy to see a different path where they work through these issues and live happily ever after. It’s just ambiguous enough to be read as either a prelude to eventual tragedy or the beginning of a long, happy life between two complex people. (I prefer the first one, but whatever).

Other things I liked:

- Han proposing. It’s literally that “I want you” “For what?” “A really long time.” quote on the internet.

Han: I want you.

Leia: Me? For what?

Han: Forever. Marry me.

- Leia tells Han about her true parentage and he just does not care. Like, he’s sympathetic towards her feelings, but is like, “why would this impact my love for you?”

- Leia finally lets herself do something spontaneous.

- Luke and Mon Mothma ship it.

- This quote:

Leia: About time.

Han: For what?

Leia: You once promised me a good kiss. I’ve been waiting.

- The conflict on Madurs is also pretty interesting. Leia is unwilling to let another planet die, giving an insight into Leia’s feelings about Alderaan, especially since Madurs values art like Alderaan.

Honestly, I want Beth Revis to write the canon “trip to Bespin” book.

Also…

This book kind of implies that Leia is bi? There’s a scene where Leia is remembering a conversation with her mother. So, when Alderaanian royals get married, their parent straps the ceremonial Rhindon sword (also used during their coronation) around their waist before the wedding.

In the flashback, Breha specifically says “whoever you marry” and “your husband or wife”…

Some people may say that it’s just ‘forced inclusion’ but that’s boring. Now, in the EU, fanon, and canon, Leia always puts emphasis on how close she and her parents were. This is something that I don’t think is ever particularly well illustrated, especially in canon. In parts the Kenobi series (she gets better later) and Leia, Princess of Alderaan, Breha in particular comes off as really unlikable.

But, if Leia isn’t over romanticizing (and there’s no indication that she is), she was really close to her parents. So, it stands to reason that her mother would know her sexuality. They at least seem really accepting in this passage, so it doesn’t seem like something Leia would keep from them.

I have no other evidence, and as far as I know, Leia is always seen in romances with men in both canon and legends, but in this context, it is a very interesting hint of something new about her character.

Good Omens Incorrect Quotes 5

Still not mine.

Crowley as Aziraphale: *gets set on fire and screams in agony*

Crowley as Aziraphale: Nah, I’m just kidding. Fire does nothing to me.

Crowley: I'm a firm believer in "if you're going to fail, you might as well fail spectacularly."

Warlock, T-posing in the doorway: Greetings, Nanny.

Crowley, not looking up from their coffee: Good morning, problem child.

Aziraphale: Please say words of encouragement to me so I don’t murder someone right now.

Crowley: There are no books in prison.

Aziraphale: *sighs* Thank you.

Aziraphale: Jesus Saves.

Crowley: Passes to Moses, SCOOOOOORE!

Crowley: Well, if you're not at least a little bit gay for your friends, then what kind of friend are you?

Crowley: If you don't stop talking, I'm going to jump out of that window.

Aziraphale: ...We're on the ground floor.

Crowley: I know but I want a dramatic exit.

Aziraphale: I made this friendship bracelet for you.

Crowley: You know, I’m not really a jewelry person.

Aziraphale: You don’t have to wear…

Crowley: No, I’m gonna wear it forever. Back off.

Crowley: So jellyshish-

Aziraphale, laughing: JELLYSHISH!?

Crowley: You know what I meant!

Crowley: What's gone wrong, Aziraphale?

Aziraphale: Hey! That’s one heck of a thing to say to a person. Just because I’m calling doesn’t mean there’s a crisis.

Crowley: That’s technically true, I suppose. Why are you calling?

Aziraphale: Well... There’s a crisis.

Crowley, hungover: Please tell me I'm imagining that I claimed I was king of the ducks.

Aziraphale: I would, but then I would be lying to the King of All Ducks.

Aziraphale: Crowley? What are you doing here?

Crowley, wearing a hawaiian shirt, sunglasses and holding a gatorade: My best.

Newt: I’m here for the cult stuff.

Shadwell: How did you find us?

Newt: I saw your ad on craigslist.

Aziraphale: I am in charge of this disaster!

Crowley: I have a name, you know.

Crowley, wiping tears from their eyes: If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it’s meant to be…

Aziraphale: I’m literally just going to the store.

Crowley: I have issues.

Gabriel: Finally, you admit it! The first step to redemption is accept-

Crowley: With you.

Crowley: *on the phone with Anathema* I can’t talk right now, I’m doing hot girl shit.

Anathema: You’re pulling Oreos apart and saving off the frosting to make a mega Oreo, aren’t you.

Crowley: Maybe.

Crowley: Now, the recipe calls for 2 shots of vodka.

Crowley: *upends the bottle*

Aziraphale: Sorry, I'm late to the party. I've been doing things.

Crowley, entering in an unbuttoned shirt: I got caught up doing things too.

Anathema: Wow, Aziraphale was late too! What a coincidence!

Aziraphale: You spent all our money on THIS??

Crowley, putting tiny raincoats on ducklings: They live outside. They need this.

Crowley: Where are you going?

Aziraphale: To get MYSELF a gift cause somebody didn't get me one!

Crowley: I told you I did! Its coming here on Friday!

Anathema, knowing full well that Crowley got Aziraphale an engagement ring: *eating popcorn*

Crowley: The only thing keeping me from running away and hiding from society for the rest of my life is spite. I could disappear forever, but there are some bitches whose downfalls I have yet to witness, and I wanna be around when that happens.

Aziraphale: You’re drunk.

Crowley: Correction: drinking. Present tense. Grammar, Aziraphale.

Aziraphale: Do you see yourself as a glass half-full or glass half-empty kind of person?

Anathema: Half-full, definitely.

Anathema: Half-full and constantly rising.

Anathema: Soon the water will escape its container and consume us all.

Crowley: Okay, but what if we went to dinner not as friends this time?

Aziraphale: AS ENEMIES?!

Crowley:

Shakespeare Incorrect Quotes: Much Ado About Nothing 4

Benedick : Am I right, Beatrice?

Beatrice: I’m almost certain you’re not, but to be fair, I wasn’t listening.

Hero: The salary of a clown is 51,000 dollars.

Hero, gesturing to Beatrice and Benedick fighting: And yet these idiots do it daily, and for free!

Friar Francis: *watching the squad's shenanigans with concern* Do you feel like this has gotten out of hand?

Imogen: I don't know. Feels normal enough for a group that's on 911's blocked callers list.

Benedick: I have been tricked, I have been backstabbed, and I have quite possibly been bamboozled.

Benedick: Why are you burning our marriage certificate!?

Beatrice: Good luck trying to return me without a receipt.

Hero: While I'm gone, you're in charge Claudio.

Claudio: Yes!

Hero, whispering to Beatrice: You're secretly in charge, but I don't want them to feel bad.

Beatrice: Obviously.

Beatrice: What do I get?

Benedick: A night of fashion, mischief, mayhem, and possible death.

Beatrice: Ooh, check, check, and check; not sure about that last one.

Benedick: It won't be you.

Beatrice: I'll get my coat.

Hero, pointing a camera at Beatrice: There they are, our sweet baby.

Beatrice, holding a cigarette and a beer: What-?

Beatrice: I didn’t even realize how sarcastic I was being. It’s starting to become a problem, I think.

Claudio: I sort of did something and I need some advice, but I don't want a lot of judgment and criticism.

Beatrice: And you came to me?

Claudio: Hero, what does IDK, ILY, and TTYL mean?

Hero: I don’t know, I love you, talk to you later.

Claudio: Alright, I love you too, I'll ask Benedick.

Hero: Wait- Claudio, no-

*At the police station*

Beatrice: Hi, I’m here for Benedick.

Police officer: Who’s Benedick?

Beatrice: Ah, you must be new.

Beatrice: All in all, a 100% successful trip.

Hero: But we lost Claudio.

Beatrice: All in all, a 100% successful trip!

Beatrice, to Claudio: Are you peanuts? Because I want to boil you alive.

Hero: I left instructions for everyone while I'm gone.

Claudio: Mine just says "Claudio no."

Hero: I want you to apply it to every possible situation.

Beatrice: I didn't drink that much last night.

Hero: You were flirting with Benedick.

Beatrice: So what? They're my partner.

Hero: You asked if they were single.

Hero: And then you cried when they said they weren't.

Claudio: I only have 6 weeks left to live.

Don Pedro: Oh my god, really?!

Claudio: It's just a guesstimate based on the choices I've made.

Leonato: I just found out from Hero today that when Claudio died and the service did the 21-gun salute at their funeral, Beatrice said, “They should aim at the coffin to be sure.”

Beatrice: Benedick and I got married!!

Hero: Don't share your personal problems with everyone.

Beatrice: Claudio, this morning, I called you abhorrent and reprehensible, and I’d like to withdraw that statement-

Claudio: Aww, thanks-

Beatrice: But I can't. Those are the 2 words that best describe you.

Beatrice: Hey, quick question. How petty am I allowed to be?

Claudio: Benedick, why are you standing in front of the fan?

Benedick: I’m waiting for Beatrice to look into our window when they come home. When the fan is blowing on me, I look like a fancy supermodel.

Claudio: You want Beatrice to think you’re a supermodel?

Benedick: Giving them eye candy is the least I can do. It’ll probably be the best part of their walk!

Claudio, sarcastically: You’re selfless.

Benedick: Thank you for noticing.

Hero: *trying to get five seconds of sleep*

Beatrice, poking Hero’s arm: Hero Hero. Hero. Hero.

Hero: WHAT?

Beatrice: …We’re out of Capri Suns—

Claudio: *working in a flower shop and minding their own business*

Benedick, storming into the store and slapping $20 on the counter: HOW DO I PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVELY SAY “FUCK YOU” IN FLOWER???

Claudio: Hey, Benedick? Can I get some dating advice?

Benedick: Just because I'm with Beatrice doesn't mean I know how I did it.

Beatrice: I hate you.

Benedick: Well, according to this picture I drew of us holding hands, that is untrue.

Benedick: Beatrice and I are no longer dating.

Beatrice: Benedick, that’s a horrible way of telling people we’re married.

Claudio: How is the most beautiful person in the world?

Hero: *blushing* I—

Benedick, butting into the conversation: Beatrice is perfect, thanks for asking.

Incorrect Shakespeare Quotes: Much Ado About Nothing 3

Beatrice : I have very high standards, you know.

Benedick : I can make spaghetti...

Beatrice : Oh no! You're meeting all my standards!

Benedick : *on the phone* Hey Beatrice , do you know my blood type?

Beatrice : Of course, it's B negative.

Benedick : Oh, I guessed wrong. Excuse me, nurse-!

*Benedick and Beatrice are in Paris.*

Benedick : I'm...moved. I...I don't know what it is I'm feeling right now. I feel...destiny?

Beatrice : But...

Benedick : I don't know what it is. I feel like... I just never thought I'd see it with my own two eyes. And here it is. It's just there. It's right in front of me, and...

Beatrice : This is what you wanted to see? The bridge from Inception?

Benedick : Yeah.

Beatrice : But the Eiffel Tower is behind us, babe.

Benedick : Yeah, but this is the bridge FROM INCEPTION.

Beatrice : Okay, alright.

Benedick : Wait you like me? For my personality?

Beatrice : I know, I was surprised too.

Benedick , looking over Beatrice ’s shoulder: You can draw?

Beatrice , stopping what they were doing: You can speak?

Beatrice : BEHOLD, the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it, and thou shalt see that it is barren!

Benedick : Can I ask a dumb question?

Beatrice : Better than anyone I know.

Benedick : What are you eating?

Beatrice : You wouldn't like it, it's really salty.

Benedick : I like you, don't I?

Beatrice : I can’t believe all these people are wearing black. black is supposed to be my thing, they’re all just posers.

Benedick : Beatrice, for the last time, we’re at a funeral.

Beatrice, to Benedick: Are you peanuts? Because I want to boil you alive.

Benedick : Guess what I'm about to get!

Beatrice : On my nerves.

Beatrice : What are you doing here?

Benedick : I could ask you the same question.

Beatrice : I live here. This is my house.

Benedick : I should probably ask you a different question.

Benedick : I am so cool. I am an absolute Chad. I am the epitome of coolness and awesomeness—

Beatrice : Hi.

Benedick : *melts down in a flustered heap of softness*

Benedick : Beatrice is playing hard to get.

Benedick : Little do they know, I'm a master at playing hard to get rid of.

Hairdresser: How would you like your hair cut?

Beatrice : Preferably with scissors, but a sword could be badass.

Benedick : I'm going to take a shower, I'll be right back.

Beatrice : Why are you telling me this, I don't care.

Beatrice , right after Benedick leaves the room: I miss them already.

Benedick : Beatrice , I sense hostility.

Beatrice : Good, because I hate you.

Benedick : Are you busy?

Beatrice : Yes.

Benedick : Cool, listen to this...

Beatrice : Can I ask you for a favor?

Benedick : I would literally die for you, but continue.

Beatrice : We need to talk about you starting sentences that way.

Beatrice : You are an absolute fucking dork.

Benedick , singing: Yeah, but I'm your dork!

Beatrice : *sighs* Yeah, you're my dork.

Benedick , admiring a sleeping Beatrice : You’re so cute.

Beatrice , sleepily: I could beat your ass.

Benedick , lovingly: I know.

Benedick : Met a dumbass today. Awful.

Beatrice : You looked in a mirror?

Benedick : someday you will have to answer for your actions and god may not be so merciful.

Benedick: They don’t make them like me no more. I’m the last of my kind.

Beatrice: Thank god.

Benedick: Are we fighting or flirting?

Beatrice: I'm pinning you against a wall with my hand around your neck-

Benedick: Your point?

Beatrice: I can’t believe we have to be stuck in this room together!

Benedick, swallowing the key: Truly unfortunate.

Benedick: We all have our demons.

Benedick, grabbing Beatrice: This one’s mine.

Benedick: Could you be anymore annoying?

Beatrice: Yes.

Benedick: This date is boring!

Beatrice: This isn't a date. I said I was going to the store.

Benedick: Then why did you invite me?

Beatrice: I didnt, I specifically said "don't come with me," then you said, "fuck you Beatrice I'll do whatever I want!

Benedick: Think you can answer some questions without the usual level of sarcasm?

Beatrice: If you can ask the questions without the usual level of stupid.

Incorrect Shakespeare Quotes: Much Ado About Nothing 2

Benedick: Well, if you're not at least a little bit gay for your friends, then what kind of friend are you?

Benedick: Hey Beatrice, can you give me the opposite of these words?

Benedick: Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down.

Beatrice: Never, Going, To, Give, You-

Beatrice: The fucking satisfaction.

Benedick, very tired: Can I sleep in your bed?

Beatrice: *half asleep* Benedick, this is a queen-sized bed. That means it’s for *gestures vaguely to themself* the Queen.

Benedick: *venting endlessly to Beatrice about their week*

Beatrice, every once in a while: *in a monotone* Wow, that is so wild.

Benedick: Beatrice, can I ask you a question?

Beatrice: You just did.

Benedick: Okay, can I ask you two questions?

Beatrice: You just did.

Benedick, frustrated: OKAY, CAN I ASK YOU FOUR QUESTIONS?!

Beatrice: You just did.

Benedick: When?!

Beatrice: Just now.

Beatrice, to Benedick: I'll be under the mistletoe when you start feeling desperate!

Benedick: Valentines Day? I'm ready. *Sprays an entire can of AXE body spray on themselves*

Benedick: Tommorrow's garbage day.

Beatrice: I can't believe they made a whole day dedicated to you.

Beatrice: I love the term 'partners'. Are we dating? Are we robbing a bank? Are we the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies and are members of an elite squad known as the special victims unit? Who knows.

Benedick: We have a problem.

Beatrice: No, YOU have a problem. I have an idiot who keeps making them.

Benedick: So... what would you do if you were in bed with me?

Beatrice: Depends. Is your bed comfortable?

Benedick: Yes.

Beatrice: I'd sleep.

Benedick: I left instructions for everyone while I'm gone.

Beatrice: Mine just says "Beatrice no."

Benedick: I want you to apply it to every possible situation.

Beatrice: I want to kiss you.

Benedick, not paying attention: What?

Beatrice: I said if you die, I wont miss you.

Beatrice: A fistfight CAN be romantic.

Beatrice: I've met a lot of pricks in my time, but you, Benedick, are a fucking cactus.

Benedick: You know, when I first met you I thought you were a real bitch.

Beatrice: What changed your mind?

Benedick: Oh, I still think you're a bitch. I've just grown to like that about you.

Benedick: I’m in love with you.

Beatrice: We called off the prank war last night at midnight, dork.

Benedick: I know.

Beatrice: Ah. Okay. Um. Cool. Neat. Very cool. Cool. Cool. Coolcoolcool-

Benedick: Even Beatrice and I have been getting closer. The other day, they gave me half of their sandwich.

Beatrice: I mistook them for a garbage can.

Leonato/Don Pedro: Woah dude, premarital handholding? That’s just not cool or groovy.

Beatrice : Of course I have a lot of pent-up rage, you fool! I've been the same height since I was twelve!

Beatrice/ Benedick: Not to be nsfw but I want someone to hold me while I sleep.

Beatrice : If karma doesn't hit you, I fucking will.

Don John: If I can't cause tiny bits of chaos every day, I think my body will shut down.

Beatrice : I love sarcasm! It’s like punching people in the face, but with words!

Benedick : My heart is guarded but like… very poorly. The kind of guards that would let 3 kids in a trench coat into an R rated movie.

Beatrice : I'm not funny, I'm just really mean and people think I'm joking.

Benedick , at Hero’s funeral: I need a moment with them.

Everyone: Of course. *They leave*

Benedick , leaning over Hero′s coffin: Okay, listen here you little shit. I know you’re not dead.

Hero : Yeah, no shit.

Beatrice , to Benedick : How do you tell someone politely you want to hit them with a brick?

Beatrice : If I may interject...

Benedick : Oh, awesome, Beatrice was eavesdropping.

Benedick: Can I bother you for a second?

Beatrice: You're always bothering me, but go ahead.

Beatrice: Hey, Benedick? I need advice.

Benedick: I’m pretty useless at giving advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment instead?

Beatrice: My hands are cold.

Benedick: Here, let me hold them.

Beatrice: My lips are cold too.

Benedick: *covers Beatrice's mouth with their hand*

Incorrect Shakespeare Quotes: Much Ado About Nothing 1

Benedick: Beatrice, I screwed up, big time.

Beatrice: Benedick, given your daily life experiences, you’re gonna have to be more specific.

*

Benedick: I can't take this anymore, someone needs to take me out!

Beatrice: In a dating type of way, or an assassination type of way?

Benedick: I don't know, surprise me!

*

Beatrice: I’m proud to identify as morosexual. I’m attracted to dumbasses and dumbasses exclusively. Someone asked me what the Spanish word for "tortilla" was once, and now I dream of kissing them under the moonlight.

Benedick: What kind of animal is the Pink Panther?

Beatrice, already taking off their clothes: God, Benedick, you’re so fucking stupid.

*

Beatrice: Valentine’s day is just a consumerist holiday that holds no real value other than drive people insane buying heart shaped chocolates for their significant others and pos-

Benedick: I wrote you a poem.

Beatrice, already crying: You did?

*

Benedick: Hey, random question, what are your favorite flowers?

Beatrice: Peonies, why?

Benedick:

Beatrice: Were you going to get me flowers?

Benedick:

Beatrice:

Benedick: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵃ ᵖᵒˢˢᶦᵇᶦˡᶦᵗʸ

*

Benedick: Strawberry milk doesn’t taste like strawberry OR milk.

Beatrice: Go the fuck to sleep Benedick.

*

Beatrice: You’re overthinking this.

Benedick: You don’t know the appropriate level of thinking, Beatrice. What if I’m underthinking?

*

Benedick: I have a problem.

Beatrice: Kill it.

Benedick: Can you chill for like, two seconds?

*

Benedick: Anyone down to take couples counseling and see at what point the therapist realizes we barely know each other?

Beatrice: Idiots to lovers, 20k words, angst with a happy ending.

*

Beatrice, laying in bed: Get out of my room.

Benedick, standing just outside of the door frame: I’m not in your room.

*

Beatrice, ordering Starbucks: Hey, I just got my heart broken, what do you recommend?

Benedick, who’s running the drive thru: …

Benedick: Tequila.

*

Beatrice: I don't know how to tell you this, but... I love you.

Benedick: That's great, Beatrice. Especially considering the fact we've been married for 6 fucking years.

*

Beatrice: *standing on a balcony and sneezes*

Benedick: *standing on the roof* Bless you.

Beatrice: God?!

*

Benedick: Do we have any orange juice left?

Beatrice: *pours the remaining juice into their cup*

Beatrice: Sorry, we’re all out.

*

Benedick: Am I right, Beatrice?

Beatrice: I’m almost certain you’re not, but to be fair, I wasn’t listening.

*

Benedick: Hey, Beatrice. What kind of flowers do you prefer?

Beatrice: I like sunflowers.

Benedick, pulling out a bouquet of Venus Flytraps: Well, shit-

*

Benedick: Go fuck yourself.

Beatrice: Come over here and fuck me yourself you coward!

*

Beatrice: Don’t weep for the stupid. You’ll be crying all day.

*

Benedick: Capitalizing every word in a sentence is vomit inducing.

Beatrice: Enjoy Your Trip To Puke Land, Boy!

*

Beatrice: Benedick, can I ask you a question?

Benedick: Sure, anything.

Beatrice: Why don't you go back to your own house and leave us alone?

Good Omens Incorrect Quotes 4

Not mine but still fun

Aziraphale : There is no future. There is no past. Don't you see? Time is simultaneous, an intricately structured jewel that humans insist on viewing one edge at a time, when the whole design is visible in every fact.

Crowley : ...All I asked was if you wanted to cut your birthday cake first.

*

Aziraphale : Why are you on fire?

Crowley : This is just how my day is going.

*

Crowley : What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

Aziraphale : If you say "addict-ionary" I swear I will smite you.

Crowley : I was actually going to say "high definition", but your answer's much better.

Aziraphale : ...

*

Crowley , answering the phone: Hello?

Aziraphale : It’s Aziraphale .

Crowley : What did they do this time?

Aziraphale : No, it’s me, Aziraphale . It’s actually me.

Crowley : What did you do this time?

*

Aziraphale : You have your weirdly sincere humility.

Crowley : I prefer the term "self-loathing", actually.

*

Aziraphale , opening a Capri Sun: Guess I'll drink my sorrows away.

*

Aziraphale : I hate you.

Crowley : Well, according to this picture I drew of us holding hands, that is untrue.

*

Aziraphale , skipping rocks on a lake with Crowley : It’s such a beautiful evening.

Crowley : Yeah, it is.

Crowley : *whispering* Take that you fucking lake.

*

Crowley : I'm gonna get my pilot's license. I've already got a driver's license and a cosmetology license, that's two of the big five licenses.

Aziraphale : The big five licenses?

Crowley : Driver's license, cosmetology license, pilot's license, fishing license, and… license to kill! I can't wait to get that one.

*

Aziraphale : Are you trying to seduce me?

Crowley : Why, are you seducible?

*

Aziraphale : I’d like to live through a week that’s not a whole new verse of “We Didn’t Start the Fire.”

*

Crowley : I’m having salad for dinner!

Aziraphale :

Crowley : Well, fruit salad.

Crowley : Actually, it’s mostly grapes.

Aziraphale :

Crowley : Okay, it’s all grapes.

Crowley : Fermented grapes.

Aziraphale :

Crowley :

Aziraphale :

Crowley : It’s wine.

Crowley : I’m having wine for dinner.

*

Crowley : I think I should be allowed on ghost hunter tv shows.

Aziraphale : I think that would be dangerous for the ghosts.

*

Crowley : If we don’t get out of this alive… If we’re both about to die… I love you, Aziraphale !

*Neither of them die*

Aziraphale : …

Crowley : …

Aziraphale : So do you wanna talk about somethi-

Crowley : No thank you.

*

Crowley on Monday: *glues 5p to the sidewalk* Heh heh heh.

Crowley on Wednesday: *walking down the street* Ooh hey! 5p!

*

Aziraphale : You use humor to deflect your trauma.

Crowley : Awww, thanks-

Aziraphale : That’s not a good thing.

Crowley : All I’m hearing is that you think I’m funny.

*

Aziraphale : When do you usually go to sleep?

Crowley : Whenever I collapse is entirely up to the gods.

*

*Crowley is fighting a monster*

Aziraphale : Just stay calm! You already have everything you need to beat it!

Crowley : The power to believe in myself!?

Aziraphale : No, a knife! Stab it!

*

Crowley , grinning: I have a knife!

Aziraphale : Put it down, Crowley .

Crowley : Make me! *sprints away*

*

Aziraphale : Pick a card, any card.

Crowley : Fine.

Aziraphale : Wait, that's my credit card!

Crowley : You said any card.