Every Day I Discover The Meaning Of Life And Then I Lose It Again And Then Again A New Day And I Discover

Theo Decker

a tumblr mutual is like the curator of a beautiful museum

Um…those who do not move cannot feel their chains tbh….

Palestinian ButchFemme wedding, 2022, @/leilanations

oh boy i wish someone would notice my cries for help! [someone actually notices] noooo i'm fine don't worry about me

To try to do anything in this day and age is courageous. Even if you suck at least you’re fucking doing something. You’re creating something. You are doing SOMETHING. That in itself is a courageous act.

I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in my life. And I am horribly limited.

- Sylvia Plath

Something that I've been thinking about lately: the difference in how Theo talks about Pippa compared to how he talks about Boris in his adult years.

Theo talks about Pippa like she's perfect, or at least the perfect one for him. He's convinced that she is the one he is meant to be with, the only one who could understand him. But the way he talks about her doesn't come off as love, but as an obsession instead. I'm not saying that he doesn't have any genuine love/affection towards her, I'm sure he does, but he has definitely romanticized her existence to the point that the person he thinks he's in love with is completely different than the real one. He barely knows the real Pippa because getting to know her would mean that his fantasy would dissappear. So he ignores all those things that don't match his ideal version of Pippa and talks about her like she's perfect. Her imperfections, if he mentions any, are endearing. But, still; somehow most of the times where he tries to compliment her end up sounding weird (Unexpected glimpse of her white armpits). He can't say anything about her that isn't superficial because he doesn't see her as real person but as his walking fantasy.

Meanwhile, Theo seems to want to reminds us (and himself) everything bad about Boris. He is quick to point out his faults, even when he says something nice about him or expresses his feelings about him. And surely, Boris does have a lot of faults, but it's weird how often Theo talks about them unprovoked. Like he wants to make sure everything else he says about him doesn't sound too gay. He focuses on the negatives because he is afraid of his feelings. He isn't ready to admit that despite his faults (which were numerous and spectacular), he still loves him. He likes to point out all the ways that Boris is different than him, almost like he's trying to convince himself that they belong in different worlds, like they could never work out, despite it being quite obvious that the two of them aren't very different where it counts. Regardless of these habits of his, Boris is real to him. Perhaps the problem is that Boris presence is his life forces him to acknowledge his real self too. (A self one does not want, a heart one cannot help.)

In conclusion, despite Theo's best efforts to convince himself that he's totally straight and in love with Pippa, I think it's quite obvious to everyone with enough reading compensation skills that the one he loves is Boris. He can talk shit about him and put Pippa on a pedestal all he wants; but the truth can't be hidden. Donna Tarrt told me this personally btw, don't doubt me.

there’s actually nothing sweet or nice about being an extremely sentimental person. feeling wistful and romantic about everything is also a great way to be let down by…….. everything

this can not continue divas