The Curse Of The Yiling Patriarch

If someone gives you everything, don’t you dare throw it all away like it’s nothing. If you do not want it, then give it back but don’t you ever take something that does not belong to you and ruin it. Don’t pull flowers out of their beds just for the hell of it.

Ming D. Liu (via mingdliu)

breaking the cycle of generational abuse takes time.

the truth of that cannot be overstated. for a child, it warps and reshapes everything: their understanding of themselves, what their place is in the world and how they engage with it.

when we first meet Sam, she just seems like a cold, aloof, ever-composed high achiever. the more we learn about her past, the clearer it becomes that this was by design, not by choice.

Sam learned from a young age that love and acceptance were contingent upon her compliance. it was transactional- to be earned by meeting her grandmother's expectations, never freely given with no conditions. she took the one thing a child needs the most and dangled it like a prize over Sam’s head, making her work for it.

and if Sam needed any further motivation not to stray from path she was placed on, all she had to do was look to her sisters- both of their lives a tragic example of the consequences of disobeying. imagine how afraid she had to be, and for so, so long. it's heartbreaking.

then Mon came along- letting light and so much love in with her.

with that in mind, next week's preview wasn't a big shock to me. painful, yes- but mainly because it rings so terribly true. the roots of abuse run deep and are long-reaching- often much further than we expect.

I can count on one hand the amount of times I've actually liked high-tension or conflict in a finale. it usually feels like a cheap emotional ploy- lazy writing in an attempt to keep the audience coming back. in my opinion, that's absolutely not what we're seeing here.

the end still remains to be seen, but I have no doubt Sam will finally, permanently end the cycle. it's just that a little more work, a little more struggle, unfortunately- has to happen first.

a toxic foundation laid over a lifetime has finally been cracked, fractured. thanks to love, the biggest work is done. for me, next week doesn't seem like a step back at all.

it's just the last breaking of the wheel.

a note on Nueng, my beloved: sometimes, tough love is incredibly necessary, especially when you're so far gone in a situation that you can't see it for what it is. I was thrilled Nueng was there to provide an equally-strong opposing voice to their grandmother's authority. the one point I strongly disagreed with her on is calling Sam "soft" for continuing to bend to her grandmother's will.

Sam's reluctance to leave even when it's killing her has everything to do with a lifetime of conditioning and love for her grandmother (which she doesn't deserve)- she's not weak; she's a victim. she did find her strength when she walked away, and I fully believe she's going to realize just how strong, capable and worthy of love she is by the end.

RAMADAN KAREEM TO ALL MY DEAR MUSLIM FOLLOWERS!

As a parent, you don’t get privacy until you are on your own. My house, my rules, my money, my decision.

Don’t like it?

Too bad.

I am the parent here. I’m not your friend. I’m your father.

Sam didn't know how to apologize

I have always sustained, and keep saying, that Sam is not and has never been abusive, or a walking red flag, or any of the things some people like to call her. She acted like a d*ck and messed up a lot, but I can't point out any time where she was being an asshole where you can tell her intention was to be hurtful. Sam was clearly not socially well adjusted, her grandma didn't let her be herself, her sister told her to pretend, and her friends just went with it. So in many instances she didn't know how to react to things or what to do.

As the episodes progress we can see her getting better at it, and in my opinion nowhere it is most obvious that in her apologies.

The first time that she messes up with Mon, she tries to make amends by just bringing her food, no words and no other actions.

Mon, being the self respecting person she is, is obviously is having none of that. After that fails, it's Kirk who ends up apologizing for her and bringing Mon for dinner.

The next time she needs to make amends it's with Jim. Initially she suggests to Mon that she's going to call her the next day, and this time is Mon herself that gently steers her in the right direction. She tells her that she needs to apologize in person, which she does.

When she goes to Jim, she starts by giving her snacks, which seems to be the only thing she knows what to do. And then, she tries doing the exact same thing Mon did with her.

Sam obviously tries to learn a lot about what to do in social situations from TV, so she ends up apologizing to Jim in a "Lakhorn" way.

Later in the episode, when Mon is mad at her and she doesn't know what to do, she googles it and the first answer is "sincerely apologize".

Sam discards this and tries a social media dance instead. When it doesn't work she tries apologizing and is actually surprised that it works.

So the next time, after some puppy play, she does exactly that.

After her outburst at the end of episode 8, she needs to apologize, hard. So she takes what she has learnt. She didn't call, and instead she went to Mon in person, and waited for her to give her the chance.

And then, again after some play, she sincerely apologized.

Honestly, the Khun Sam from episode 1 and the one from episode 12 are like completely different people. But I don't think anything showcases more her evolution than this. She is constantly trying to do better, even when she still messes up.

👁️ ✨

Pardon the terrible quality, but this, right here, when Sam says, "I'm sorry that I wasn't there to protect you.", it is so, so, so chilling. It makes absolutely clear without being descriptive how terrible Sam's grandmother is, and how much she dominated and mistreated Sam her whole life.

We see that with her estranged sister, one of the first things Sam says to Neung (who she hasn't seen or talked to in years!) is an accusation filled with all her old hurt and anger that Neung abandoned her and Song with their grandmother, who got worse after she left.

Which is terrible because we already know that the Honorable Grandmother got even worse than that again after Song died!

The trauma her grandmother has been responsible for in Sam's life has always been palpable, but it was made especially so in this episode, in this scene, and in this line.

"I'm sorry that I wasn't there to protect you."

From the moment Mon tells her, "Today Lady Grandmother came to your place," Sam immediately knows what happened. We see her heart break, but we also see her fight back her devastation so she can pull Mon closer to her and comfort her. We see how angry she is at herself and horrified that she let Mon face the Honorable Grandmother alone, and we see that as soon as Sam can speak, all she can say is, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Because Sam is sorry; sorry that she allowed her grandmother to inflict violence and trauma on Mon, because that is what her grandmother does.

...

Sam is very, very clear.

The Honorable Grandmother needs to be protected from.

Like Sam never was after her sisters were gone.

People will tell you that emotional abuse isn’t real and what you’re dealing with isn’t that big a deal and you’re just exaggerating, but let me tell you something.

If you’ve ever been wary of everyone you know, even people you trust, because you’re expecting them to get angry with you over literally anything, make fun of you, or start making threats, something’s wrong.

If you’ve ever had to plan things in anticipation of a potential tantrum that you fear will be taken out on you, something’s wrong.

If you succumb to someone’s demands because you’re never sure if their threats are empty or legit and you just want to play it on the safe side, something’s wrong.

If you find yourself jumping at smaller noises in anticipation that they’re a warning sign for a tantrum, something’s wrong.

If you hide things - especially things that make you happy - because you’re so afraid that they’ll make fun of you for liking them, scold you for liking something they don’t, take them away, destroy them, or that they’ll defile them and ruin that love you have for them, something’s wrong.

If you find yourself being silent in the face of mild disagreements or thinly-veiled insults, rather than standing up for yourself because you just don’t want to start an argument and make things worse, something’s wrong.

If that very lack of standing up for yourself eventually leads to you never offering your opinion in any sort of discussion out of fear of ridicule or being scolded because that’s what you’re so used to, something’s wrong.

If you end up spending a lot of your time in your room keeping to yourself and keeping any trip outside of your room to an absolute minimum because you don’t want to risk putting one toe out of line and setting off a tantrum, yet you’re also aware that hiding out will also cause an issue and you’re probably just minimizing the risk instead of erasing it entirely, something’s wrong.

If you ever habitually glance outside the window to keep watch for your supposed abuser’s car to return from their work, errand or trip, and then heading to your room or other hiding place to keep out of their way, erasing any obvious signs that you’ve been out and about in the rest of your living space, something’s wrong.

If one of your greatest fantasies involves not a dream career or winning the lottery but instead an escape plan succeeding, something’s wrong.

If you could basically summarize your life as living in constant, subtle fear, Something. Is. Wrong.

Emotional abuse is very, very real, and it has lasting consequences that can affect people’s relationships, their jobs, and their lives all-around.

Don’t you dare tell me it isn’t real.

This album is packed full of "I survived and god damn it I am gonna choose to be happy if it kills me" vibes and I FUCKING love it