Pardon The Terrible Quality, But This, Right Here, When Sam Says, "I'm Sorry That I Wasn't There To Protect

RAMADAN KAREEM TO ALL MY DEAR MUSLIM FOLLOWERS!

Sam didn't know how to apologize

I have always sustained, and keep saying, that Sam is not and has never been abusive, or a walking red flag, or any of the things some people like to call her. She acted like a d*ck and messed up a lot, but I can't point out any time where she was being an asshole where you can tell her intention was to be hurtful. Sam was clearly not socially well adjusted, her grandma didn't let her be herself, her sister told her to pretend, and her friends just went with it. So in many instances she didn't know how to react to things or what to do.

As the episodes progress we can see her getting better at it, and in my opinion nowhere it is most obvious that in her apologies.

The first time that she messes up with Mon, she tries to make amends by just bringing her food, no words and no other actions.

Mon, being the self respecting person she is, is obviously is having none of that. After that fails, it's Kirk who ends up apologizing for her and bringing Mon for dinner.

The next time she needs to make amends it's with Jim. Initially she suggests to Mon that she's going to call her the next day, and this time is Mon herself that gently steers her in the right direction. She tells her that she needs to apologize in person, which she does.

When she goes to Jim, she starts by giving her snacks, which seems to be the only thing she knows what to do. And then, she tries doing the exact same thing Mon did with her.

Sam obviously tries to learn a lot about what to do in social situations from TV, so she ends up apologizing to Jim in a "Lakhorn" way.

Later in the episode, when Mon is mad at her and she doesn't know what to do, she googles it and the first answer is "sincerely apologize".

Sam discards this and tries a social media dance instead. When it doesn't work she tries apologizing and is actually surprised that it works.

So the next time, after some puppy play, she does exactly that.

After her outburst at the end of episode 8, she needs to apologize, hard. So she takes what she has learnt. She didn't call, and instead she went to Mon in person, and waited for her to give her the chance.

And then, again after some play, she sincerely apologized.

Honestly, the Khun Sam from episode 1 and the one from episode 12 are like completely different people. But I don't think anything showcases more her evolution than this. She is constantly trying to do better, even when she still messes up.

Now this is powerful. Having felt bogged down all the time by thinking I had to be responsible for things that I didn't even have reason to know about was exhausting. Freeing is the feeling of just saying, "I'm not responsible for that," and actually clearing all of whatever it is out of your mind.

Source: Dr. Glenn Doyle

This album is packed full of "I survived and god damn it I am gonna choose to be happy if it kills me" vibes and I FUCKING love it

If someone gives you everything, don’t you dare throw it all away like it’s nothing. If you do not want it, then give it back but don’t you ever take something that does not belong to you and ruin it. Don’t pull flowers out of their beds just for the hell of it.

Ming D. Liu (via mingdliu)

What symptoms of depression actually look like

Increased irritability and/or anger when you don’t know why

Feeling numb or having muted emotions in response to upsetting or exciting situations

Lack of interest or passion, in general, for things you once loved

Inability to concentrate or stay focused

Change in sleep patterns, be it not getting enough sleep, having trouble falling asleep, or sleeping far too much and not feeling rested

Exhaustion overall, even for “no reason”

Missing deadlines for projects or assignments

Withdrawing from social activities

Feeling guilty for missing deadlines or withdrawing from social activities

Needing “the rest” because you’re so exhausted, but feeling worse because you stay in bed or on the couch most of the day

No motivation to actually get up and do basic tasks

Hating yourself for not responding to your friends or to important emails on time, but not being able to force yourself to do it

A passing desire to die or just not exist, but not being full-blown suicidal

Not an exhaustive list by any means. What other ways does depression manifest?

lessons in survival & innocence lost

I can turn it on be a good machine I can hold the weight of worlds if that's what you need I can do it- I'll get through it…

-human, christina perri

I knew GAP was smart. I knew the writers had an expert handle on the story they set out to tell, because they've been telling it exceptionally well.

I did not expect them to give us a scene that was almost brutal in how quietly and accurately it portrayed the lengths people will go to cope- to survive- living under abuse.

I wrote last week:

"when we first meet Sam, she just seems like a cold, aloof, ever-composed high achiever. the more we learn about her past, the clearer it becomes that this was by design, not by choice."

the writers had already given us enough to piece together why Sam is the way she is, but this scene really pulled back the curtain in heart-wrenching, crystal-clear fashion.

teenage Sam skips into the room, carefree & enjoying being with her sisters. she wistfully watches Nueng on the piano, playing with a borderline-terrifying smile on her face.

Nueng catches Sam smiling & asks:

Sam responds simply, innocently: because Nueng is, of course. if her sister is happy, so is she.

a quick note on Nueng's smile: Mind really going in with her facial expressions here felt so intentional. it's obvious to us that she's forcing it, but Sam in her youthful naivete has no idea. she still sees a smile for what it is, for what it should be: joyful, happy, and most importantly- honest.

it was such a smart move on the writer's part, adding to the weight of the moment that comes next.

Mind's expressions here are the definition of "a picture's worth a thousand words."

the smile fades away, replaced by a melancholy, world-weary expression. like she knows what she's about to do, and the effect that it'll have on Sam, but that it's for her own good.

right or wrong, cruel or kind- in her mind, it'll help Sam survive.

Song pipes in first, though: she knows why Nueng is smiling like that, and what it really means.

Nueng explains that it's a ruse: she's actually under a lot of stress, so she's tricking her own body by smiling.

Nueng’s explanation (understandably) isn't enough for Sam. she doesn't have any concept yet of faking emotions, let alone why anyone would do such a thing- so she questions Song about it, too.

Sam’s still processing Song’s response when Nueng walks up, placing a gentle hand on her head. the weariness is back as she tells Sam she can do this, too.

the look of wide-eyed, innocent worry on Sam’s face when she asks “how?” nearly broke my heart in two.

this is all new to Sam, but she trusts her sisters. this must be an important thing that she learn to do, right? and these behaviors have to be learned- either out of necessity or through loving, misguided instruction, like we're witnessing here.

it was like watching a slow-motion car crash: you know the impact is coming and it’s going to be awful, but you can’t look away.

I desperately wanted to shield Sam in this moment- to keep her from learning how to twist and contort herself into something she isn’t to survive the environment she was born into.

Sam parrots back Nueng’s advice at first before confusedly asking, “what if I’m happy? can I smile then?”

Nueng doesn’t hesitate: “if you smile, you lose.” and I’m on my knees, thoroughly gut-punched.

the final nail in the coffin: Nueng telling Sam that she wants her to do that.

Freen then gives us a masterclass in loss of innocence via expression alone. we can see Sam’s light diminishing right in front of our eyes, fading into the schooled, emotionally numb look we know so well for the first time.

it’s equal parts brilliant and unbearably awful.

I can fake a smile I can force a laugh I can dance and play the part if that's what you ask give you all I am…

this scene was one of the most powerful illustrations of the lengths victims will go to survive that I’ve ever seen in a show, Asian or otherwise.

there was zero expository dialogue here. witnessing Sam being brought into the warped, broken fold 'for her own good' was plenty.

it was paradise lost; it was the twilight of innocence; it was the continuation of the cycle. and it made Sam’s openly-expressive, incandescently emotional vows in the wedding scene all the more meaningful.

love, in the end, finally broke the wheel.

side note- not to nitpick but I'm gonna: I really wished they went with the actress who played young Sam for this scene rather than Freen. Sam clearly knew how to force an expression much earlier, so have Freen play this scene felt like a continuity error, even though she knocked it out of the park.

exhibit a ⬇️

You can protect me from everything, but you can't protect me from you.

Villa No. 12 in Iporanga, São Paulo