it’s now 3:30 am and i cannot stop thinking. i’ve been thinking about you, me, and us. i’ve thought about the bad times. arguments, our break, and scaring moments where i felt like i was losing you for good. but i’ve also started to think about the good times that knock out the bad. like cuddling in your warmth as the sun goes down, feeling how soft your lips are as they touch mine, and simply hearing your sweet voice. here alone in my bed desperately craving all of it. all of you. wishing right now to have your arms and warmth surrounding me. all i want is you. nothing else but you.
I just add on to all your other problems. I make you down constantly. your life would be so much easier if I wasn't apart of it. you don’t deserve this, you deserve someone better. someone who doesn't add on to your problems. someone who makes you happier not down. you deserve someone who isn't me.
I’m sorry I'm like this but I can't help it. I constantly think of why. why me? why does he love me? and I can never understand why. I'm not good for you. you shouldn't have to deal with this constant pain and burden of having to deal with me. I'm sorry.
to fall in love with someone who’s been your best friend since the beginning, could be the best way to fall in love. to be in love with your best friend you feel as if this is the person who you want to be with for the rest of your life. you know how they are when they’re mad, upset, happy, and excited. you get to grow and change with them throughout the years you’ve been friends and till the end. to have a person like that in your life is a blessing, and will give you the most incredible feeling ever. the memories you’ll make with them will just remind you how happy they’ve made you and will just remind how you’re best friend is also the love of your life.
im tired of people assuming somethings about me, sure it may be a bit true but it isn’t the whole truth.
im tired of people telling me what to do or think, i dont need your opinion and please just let me do what i want to do and what i think is right. if you don’t agree that’s your own opinion and im not stopping you, i just don’t give a sht.
but what im most tired of is the people in i considered my ‘friends’, i ask for your help yet all that ends up happening is you judge the way i think or do things. so please if you can’t handle me then just please leave im totally okay with not having you as my ‘friend’
why am i thinking about you? why are you in my head after all these years? i’ve let it go, the memories, everything. so why is it that any little thing is making me think about you?
people come and ask me “have you had your first love” then first thing that comes in mind is you. yeah you probably weren’t my first love but then i think, what if we never ended things? what if i never ended things?
but we’ll never know because you obviously don’t think about me and wonder about these things. plus you’ve moved on.
in the beginning
you were a a puzzle.
unable to figure you out
like a mystery nobody has solved
you were quiet, but then
we’d talk at night until later we’d realized the sun has come up.
you’d made me think about
the charming efforts to get my attention & im here thinking why? why me?
i was surprised, the man who was a puzzle
was finally figured out, but by me.
as we were getting older, you made me think about the clear road ahead of us.
the future i was ready for because you were there with me
now here at the end
and im here by your bedside
reminiscing of our young & reckless selves, as you fall asleep for the last time saying
“you finished your puzzle.”
~c.e
i begin to think about how lonely nights have felt. im beginning to drown in my own thoughts on how physically im not lonely, i have family and friends who i know love me. but im emotionally lonely, i feel as if im gonna feel this loneliness till the end. it’s frightening because i know is one of the possible outcomes of my life.
a mind possible of thinking about anything a body fit to run around all day through the fields a age where you feel free to wonder and i’m here reminiscing about yesterday the mind focused on the work the body of a child is all grown up the age where you want to be rebellious and i’m here thinking about today not sure about what to do not sure if you’ll achieve your goals not sure if you’re free to wonder and i’m here wondering about tomorrow ~c.e
you asked the question that i thought i was ready for then it hit me, am i ready? then i thought about it and i realized im not. well im not really sure, so i said no and now i can’t stop thinking about it. i think im just scared that im gonna hurt you or it ends badly but now im not so sure if i did the right thing. was it the right choice?
im scared to catch these feelings, these cravings for someone always end the same. they rather end in pain or regret.
but the way you act, the way you talk, the way we talk, its different. its something ive never had.
but i end up overthinking everything. i end up asking myself “is it worth it?” “should i fall for someone who i just met and probably doesn’t feel the same.”
then i look at you and…
i find myself thinking about you. i’ve thought about what you could be doing, what you’re thinking, or about you being here. and i can’t stop. i find myself thinking about you again and there’s nothing i can do rather than to bury my love for you.
what if i never did what i did? would it still be hard knowing that you deserved better, that if you were with someone else you’d be happier? maybe
but i cant go back. im stuck with the decision of letting you go and that i was too scared of being with you and disappointing you. yeah i know its dumb but what can i do now? its not like i can go back?
i have a question, do you ever think about me? yes i know this is dumb and the answer is probably no because i hurt you. but i just wanna know because i think about you. yeah i know you’re probably thinking why and maybe kinda pissed but i do and its all these little things that trigger it, like the stuff that trigger memories. happy ones. but really i just want to know if you ever just a little thought about me.
well yet again you’re never going to see this…
sometimes when i feel sad i always try to think of positive things, just something to distract me i guess. but this week wasn’t so bad, no crying which is a good thing because usually once a week all my bottled up emotions just burst and i need happy thoughts to take my mind off the crying and how sad i feel. this week has just been one of the best weeks this january, that’s an improvement i guess. it’s just i really hope 2017 will be a good or some what decent year.
hey, you’re never gonna see this but i just have to write this down or else it’s gonna kill me on the inside. so me and you have history, i loved you and you loved me at least that’s what we’d say. but i broke it off well because i just couldn’t handle the “school stress” and having the thought i could only see you once a week, i just couldn’t. so at that time of course i thought it was a good idea to end it with you and so you could move on and maybe actually get a girl that is there with you and you can actually see in person. then i texted you because im a coward and said some lame excuse and not actually tell you whats wrong which would’ve been a better idea but i didn’t i just broke it off. then i immediately “liked” someone which wasn’t worth it, then i guess i “moved on”. well that’s what i thought, i was wrong. all the the people i had “feelings” for were distractions. what i mean is that me having those “feelings” for them was a distraction to how i really feel. i feel like im going crazy, because every second im not busy thinking about whatever, im thinking about what you’re doing or what we could’ve been doing at that moment. so all those people i thought i had feelings for were a distraction of how im actually missing you. but yet again im dumb because you’ve moved on and you probably hate how im crawling back to you right now when you’ve moved on so im sorry that my actual feelings and thoughts just hit me now because most of the time i have no idea what im doing. yet again you’re never gonna see this.