Growing up neurodivergent coupled with abuse (mainly emotional) definitely shaped the way I see myself gender wise and existing in general.
I felt like a frankenweenie of a person. A stitched up creature in the shape of a dog that wore a shirt and pants.
It felt like my main abuser, my creator, didn't want me to be a human. That for some reason other children were stitched up with love and fresh flesh in the shape of a human while I was stitched up and patched together with wooden screws and dead flesh in the shape of a dog. And when people asked what the smell was she always pointed to me as if I'd chosen to wear a rotten suit.
I sat stuffed with organs that didn't belong at the table with my creator and others like her and tried to pretend I was made up of the same stuff. Everyone tried to pretend too. But there's a difference between a human's company and a dog. My tail always hit the table in loud thumps until it fell off and I would crank my head to chew while everyone else ate normally. Something always ruined the already horrible disguise. And then the whole table would point out how truly horrible the disguise was. I would retreat to the ground with my ears folded in.
My creator wasn't afraid of telling me how the green mold and cracking of bones were becoming too much of a problem. Most days it felt like she had given up on even looking at me. She had a dog for a child and I knew myself that I was in no way better than a real child. I was a dog. No dog made up for a human. And no human wanted a dog for a child.
I see myself in the mirror and try to imagine a version of myself that's human. A womanly me, a manly me. But I still end up poking and shoving that dead flesh back into its stitch before I get dressed. I know I'm human. I know I'm human, but here's a disconnect between the words me and human.
(Most of my posts have been me talking about my experience with being neurodivergent and having cptsd since Tumblr for me is a place where a bunch of skrunkly humans join and be skrunkly humans for however long this site stands up so here's another post about that.)
Anyways, that's it for tonight I got to scroll all the way back through my last searched tag since my Tumble crashed.
I cried so much today because I was upset about my trauma and this song made me feel better
nah i fucking hate going to the doctors because when they even slightly touch me every part of me screams to bolt like please stop touching me im 5 seconds away from having a panic attack ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Realized today that I jsut genuinely do not remember the majority of my childhood (…only stuff I remember is trauma tbh)
Most of the happy shit that I know happened was what I’ve been told happened
Do I have any recollection of that??? Noooo
Hey, I've never posted on here before but I don't know what else to do. I'm trying here and reddit.
I want to ask u guys for advice.
Mainly on the topics of:
Dissability(mainly undiagnosed cptsd or bipolar, neurological and possible ortho in my knees) + ptsd and ~fibromialgia~
Remote jobs
OHP
So I have been working at a restaurant that is very busy as a host, bus, where I bus tables and greet people + get them drinks. It's complicated, but long story short my boss got burned by my ex parents (part of the cause of the ptsd and cptsd) and is understanding of my situation with them. She works us on a skeleton crew all year round because of us being in a small tourist town, where the summers are busy and the wunters are a flood of layoffs due to lack of customers. So she keeps on only what she can during the winter ALL YEAR. which when we have 3-4 waitress/host busses for the restaurant with multiple large rooms it is intense on even the most able bodied and minds.
Basically the trade off is he'll in the summer for job security in the winter.
Which i would totally be in for, except my body and brain don't seem to be down for the ride of 36hr weeks >:[
And I'm worsening, fast. Especially with the secuall assaults related trauma, making it increasingly dangerous for me to drive to and from work, which is almost 30 min away.
I want to quit so bad, I technically already have and said that I'll try to work 2-3 weeks more, mostly out of guilt.
The second main problem is that my ohp, oregon Healthcare could be taken from me if I quit a job without already securing another. Which I have not.
I'm going to keep applying to Amazon, and other large companies and a few small ones for a remote job and search a but on the area to for an office job (which would not be ideal, but still better).
But I'm quitting today, school just let out which means even more than what I already have had and I'm pretty sure that I met my replacement yesterday.
I honestly don't know what to do, I'm legally homeless and couch surfing and have to wait a week or two to even try to get my fafsa approved. (Which I might be able to get a job at the community college, IF I take at least one class)
I want to get a degree like paralegal, but thats after I fix my credit.
Lil vent:
It's so frustrating when it feels like my body and mind are holding me back from who I should've been... I should've been the person who worked hard despite her past and made a good savings and future for herself. I'm trying to get into a therapist and pursue a specialist who can help, but if I loose my health insurance I'm screwed. Gods, this sucks.
But seriously, the heck am I supposed to do ʕಠᴥಠʔ