Depression - Blog Posts
Someone said that being depressed is your avatar telling you that it is tired of the character that you want it to play. And in my experience this was true. ☘️🏵️
Deep down I knew that the path I was heading on was no longer for me yet I kept on pushing. Why?
Because that was the path that society deemed acceptable, that was the path that felt safe & comfortable (until it was no longer comfortable), because that was the path that made the most logical sense and because that was the path where no one would judge me for doing the "wrong" thing. ❌
But the more I kept on pushing, the more I felt into this hole of emptiness. Until I came to the realisation that something was wrong and something had to change. 🙍♀️
As I was going through that phase of depression, I wasn't exactly sure as to what I was doing wrong but I just knew I had to stop and take a break from everything. 🔔🔔
Looking back in retrospect, I can see how I was trying so hard to hide parts of myself to fit in with others and that came at a painful cost. The sooner you remove the mask, the more relieved you'll feel. You may end up fighting with your family or losing people you knew as your closest friends but in the long run, you get to show up as who you are rather than who you think you should be. 🥳🤗🌸
Thé vert
L'année dernière, une amie très proche m'a conseillé de boire du thé avant d'aller me coucher. Elle était peut-être aussi triste et perdue que moi et boire du thé l'aidait à s'endormir. Je suivit donc son conseil et me mis à boire du thé. Du thé vert que j'achetais en capsule. Le hasard à fait que la boite de capsule s'appelait "Marrakech Tea" et que mon amie qui m'avait conseillé était née au Maroc.
Pendant plusieurs mois, je buvais donc toujours mon thé vert avant de me coucher. Malheureusement, le thé n'était pas plus efficace que les somnifères pour dormir. Je me trouvais souvent à être assis sur mon lit, à être en train de me questionner sur mon avenir, mes études. Et très souvent, à être en train de pleurer. Cela occupait la plupart de mes soirées.
Un an plus tard, dans le rayon "café" de mon supermarché, je retombais sur une boite de "Marrakech Tea". N'y ayant pas goûté depuis plusieurs mois, j'en pris une, car le goût ne m'avais jamais déplu. Le soir, dans un élan de nostalgie, j'allumais ma machine pour me faire un thé avant de me coucher. Et il s'est passé quelque chose d'étrange. Le goût n'a pas changé mais je ressenti quelque chose de différent en sentant l'odeur. Je ressenti, en plus de l'odeur, la tristesse que j'éprouvais auparavant. Bien que dans l'ensemble, j'allais mieux, je me retrouvais assis sur mon lit, à être en train de pleurer.
21 mai 2016
À la folie
Salut,
Je vous juste te dire un truc. C'est long et pas facile, alors ne m'interromps pas.
Je t'aime. Ça fait un moment que tu le sais maintenant, mais le truc, c'est que je n'ai jamais cessé de t'aimer. Même si ça fais un an que l'on ne se voit plus et que l'on ne se parle plus.
Il n'y a pas un jour où je ne pense pas à toi, pas un jour où tu ne me manque pas, et pas une semaine où je ne rêve pas de toi.
Tu m'as déjà dit que c'était pas bien d'aimer comme ça, que c'était malsain, mais le truc, c'est que c'est comme ça. Je t'aime à la folie, et je ne peux rien y faire.
Voilà, je t'aime à la folie, et je ne peux rien y faire.
Maintenant, fais ce que tu peux pour m'en vouloir le moins possible.
27 mai 2016
Antidépresseurs
Le problème avec les antidépresseurs, c'est qu'ils fonctionnent. En temps normal, je suis optimiste, content d'être là où je suis, et content de ne plus être là où j'étais. En temps normal, je vais bien.
Le truc, c'est qu'en temps normal, je prends des antidépresseurs, et parfois, il m'arrive d'oublier de les prendres. Et à ce moment là, je me rends compte que je n'ai pas bougé, je me replonge dans la tristesse, la dépression et le fatalisme que j'ai connu avant. La tristesse, la dépression et la fatalisme qui désormais me définissent, qui définissent qui je suis, derrière mes antidépresseurs. Et à ce moment là, tout revient. Les souvenirs tristes et pensées de mort.
Aujourd'hui, j'ai oublié de prendre mes antidépresseurs.
24 mai 2016
Spring-sickness and Nostalgia
It’s May 2015. When have the days passed me by? Last time I looked out the window it was two years ago and it was a today. Wasn’t 2013 the future just enough?
I have a friend, who likes to refer to the 1920′s, as a good age and I guess I feel it, too, but it’s always just an intellectual longing to something currently romanticized. At the same time there exists a predominant nostalgia in me, which is personal. I have lost a very good time, when I was healthier than now, fresher, more beautiful.
My spring is always about losing time. I have a favorite interval in my past, which I’d love to bring back--not because I wasted it away but because I couldn’t hold on to it. Spring is also like that: it’s romantic, it’s crisp and it gives me a warm feeling about life but at the same time, I can’t hold on to it.
I’m not talking about fear of change. The idea is changing for worse. Not the possibility but the actual thing. Summer’s a nice season but it is not as appealing to me as spring. It has to do with my taste, so it doesn’t necessarily apply to you but what does is that everything around you is constantly disappearing. And it’s an irrecoverable state.
On Post-Holiday-Season Depression
I think many people are experiencing post-holiday-season depression now that we're past Christmas and are already in the new year. We've compressed most of our expectations, hopes and honest desires into a dream we thought would come true at this time of the year. I'm not saying that this week inevitably tumbled short on it because this typical sadness doesn't come from disappointment but from having gone through the whole thing without any of it contained--with only some material evidence, proving that it really happened.
With my girlfriend we have a little 4 years old tradition for Advent, where we make these heartwarming calendars for each other. One little surprise for each day. It's never really anything that amounts to a christmas present or something, just chocolate or tea or some small ornament (these from her and I wrote a novella broken up into pieces, one for each day). This tradition of ours isn't making this part of the year a huge, outstanding whirlpool of awesomeness. No doubt though, it certainly feels very nice and I'm always looking forward to it but it's not a big feat, really. However, when I run out of small packages I feel like crying. This routine of getting something nice for each day and giving something that I hope is encouraging, is missing terribly. For me its lack is so heartbraking that whenever I think about it I genuinly feel like crying.
The same applies for Christmas Eve, only on a bigger scale. That's the day, when my year reaches its climax. But it's gone. I still have my presents and memories but I couldn't hold on to the day itself.
New Year's Eve is also just a scar. It's a lot like sunrise or spring: a beautiful, romantic, shimmering start. Well, the promise of starting over again, which we humans can't help but believe in and to my greatest surprise it isn't completely baseless... New Year's Eve is a shiny, happy celebration most of the time but when it's past we're left with doubts about our convictions and hopes (ironically I've found this to be baseless).
When this part of the year is past and we're stripped from the air of sometimes loud, sometimes quiet ceremonialism, we can feel very low (surprisingly suddenly).
Often times I wonder if there's a cure for this sad state but I had the bitter revelation that there isn't.
When it's Christmas or New Year's Eve, or even when it's Advent, we may be gifted with something unearthly. I think these holidays allow us to see things we couldn't otherwise. And we're moving toward this transcendent greatness, only we don't always have the privilige of being lifted externally in addition to our futile efforts. These unutterable big things are what generally guide our imagination, when we're formulating definitions of everyday greatness and when we're trying to break out from the everydays.
I'm extremely sad by having all the celebrations brought to an end but I have my hopes intact and dreams unbroken--actually, I have them strengthened.
How to get lost... in life
Though I'm relatively young, I've begun to feel, that I've missed or failed chances, which cannot be recovered. I've been inadequately attempting to perfect and sell my book, to be discovered as a genius at basically any field. I've been chasing my impossible and utterly ridiculous dreams. In my pursue of a great life, I've lost sight of what originally motivated me. And I haven't only failed at completing certain goals, I've given in to family expectations, "sane" voices from all around me and to my unadmitted fear of living. There's a part of me, which, along with many of my past chances, cannot be recovered. Well not by me at least... The current state of my life is not even remotely related to my former anticipation. I used to believe, that amazing turns in life are ahead. And yes, I'm still young... But I've just wasted so much: time, resources, connections and most of all spirit.
What do I do now? I still haven't lost hope and in all probability I never will. Still, I don't have the slightest idea of how to act. The ground beneath my feet has shrinked to absolute nil. I can see clearly, how my further actions and plans can never lead to fruition. However, as I've said, I'm bound to hope, I still believe, that life can take an unexpected and rather fortunate turn and this endlessly rushing train will take me to a destination, that overtakes all that my limited mind can dream of now.
I have faith, that my fate is not in my hands. It would be inexpressably tormenting to have no hope for anything beyond my own power. I am grateful that I can dwell in the house of God forever.
I feel that it's like in some books, where the characters have little to no word in shaping their destinies. Well of course, I firmly believe, that my actions and thoughts matter enermously, more than I realise but, in this short post, my only concern was resolving my present predicament.
How to pretend
Pretend you're into certain things and that you're expressly good at them. Display great fondness and commitment. When questioned about it, convince everyone, that you love those certain things because they are truly the greatest of all. Go on figurative and/or literary crusades. Organise everything in your life, so it would be interconnected with tose things. Have hobbies, studies, jobs, that relate to them. Have everybody decieved: trick the world, your co-workers, your best friend, your family, EVERYBODY, including yourself. And at the end of the day, when you have to face those certain things, you'll fail. Because you can't actually do anything that you said you could.
Modern day thinking requires us to rapidly make decisions, even the ones that will determine main matters in our lives. It is not hard to be drifted away to some unknown directions, that look tempting but in fact are alien to us. I believed, that I'd be a great engineer and could set up a huge company, that'll be providing me with a grand fortune but things don't work like this. Not all of us will find what we're looking for in popular careers or good-sounding ideologies.
What I have found though, is that prayer is a highly underrated element of happiness. Wherever I might go, it can always take me home from there. Always. So just be strong enough to kneel down and bring yourself before the Father. :)
How to be afraid
Be afraid that you'll drop-out from school and you'll never find another one where you can fit in. Be utterly frightened that your book will never be published and that it's rubbish. Be genuinely fearful of the fact that your body can break-down in any minute because you have a disease that you think you're "too young for". Be worried about never finding a proper job. Be scared of never finishing anything. Be completely, undeniably and irreversebly drenched with fear and worries.
It's 00:12 here, in my parents' kitchen, where I write these lines, while listening to some classy music, that I invited to create the illusion of uppercase-life. But all this, around me, is built on I don't know what. I'm supposed to know, I ought to know but somehow I feel struck by worries. I've been the guy who never felt fear, the one who never regretted failure. But the ground has been shrinking under my feet and I wasn't paying attention and now I'm just floating in nothing. I feel miserable and defeated. My body is broken and so is my spirit. I know I shouldn't give in to the circumstances but I feel vulnerable and hurt. I'm immensely frightened.
Oh goodness, why am I saying this nonsense? This attitude in itself is the manifestation of everything I am against. The Bible says I should pray and do it with a thankful heart. It's extremely hard to do. But not impossible. I'm thankful for the love of my life (yes, I know we're young). I can't express how thankful I am for the promise of eternal life. This is something, that most of you can't put your fingers on. Well neither can I. But I feel that it is not a lie or fantasy. I believe because I have this splinter in my soul, shrieking: YOU'RE SAVED. And I am, indeed. My faith is not the one of the weak. It's the one of humans. Because none of us can fight or trick death. We all are subjects to it. We all are limited and vulnerable. We are creations. I find my hope and basically my life in the Creator of all of us. Even in these times. So, cheer up :)
Body Rot
Some days - my body can be a fresh flower
Today though?
I felt my insides rot
I felt the color drain
I felt myself decomposing
Insects all around
I’m molding, into the ground
This is the final time I lay down
What bliss - sinking into the unknown abyss that is freedom..
S. S.
The Moonlight, the stars, the willow outside the window.. stuffed lamb on the floor
Deep inside this memory filled dream
Locked behind this door
Holding my secrets
My cries, my screams
Childhood dreams
Memories of ruby drenched sheets
The only ones
Who have seen the unseen
S. S.
I remember...
...the time I sat in my class. The topic of our conversation was our future, jobs, etc. Suddenly I was asked by my teacher if I had a goal for the future. I just said yes, because I didn’t want to say anything irrelevant to those people. But on the inside this question broke like the last holding piece of a war I had going on inside myself. Constantly asking myself whether it’s even worth living, since I had no ambitions, goals or dreams. I spent the rest of the lesson sitting in my seat, head lowered and tears in my eyes.
A few months later and I dropped out of highschool, because my depression wasn‘t going easy on me and my parents still didn‘t wanna acknowledge that I was suffering a lot. It’s been 4 years since I’ve started distancing myself from everyone and everything and they still view it as a joke. I was in a mental hospital for over a month (which is not a lot, but I acted as normal a possible,,cuz a) that’s how I act in public with other people,, b) that’s how I felt like I had to act or else I would get punished and forced to continue my das as THEY want me to and c) as long as you smile they were satisfied and I could leave as fast as possible). Times and times did I tell them that I want to die (don’t worry I’m not suicidal, rather just absolutely exhausted of the stupidity from others and of existing) but they started saying stuff like “you should be more positive”, “you don’t feel this way”, “god put you here for a reason”. I mean how many times do I have to say it. There are a lot of depressive people suffering, because they can’t open up to anyone, but I suffer because I did and it doesn’t bring me nowhere. That’s life I guess. You’re just being somewhat of a good person and this is what I get in return. Tell me did I really do something this awful to deserve all of this? I really hate this.
Being told that you’re depression is just for attention is painful.
When someone goes
Why are you so ungrateful?
You're just lazy
Be more positive
Life is so beautiful
Just pull yourself together
How are you?
Well, what're you feeling?
Do you not understand what they're feeling?
Everyone feels emotions
Can't you just care more?
Do you have no empathy?
You're so mean
You're so cruel
You're so cold
Why are you smiling about that?!
Why are you so aggressive?
Just talk
Can't you stay still?
Just focus
Stop zoning out
Why are you so distracted?
It doesn't have to be perfect
It has to be perfect
Such a freak
That's useless
Just chill
Stop lying
You're just looking for attention
Everything is fine
What is wrong with you?
I found this and I adore it! I have Anxiety, so I can very much relate and am happy that I'm not the only person who sees this pattern.
MY GREY FOLLOWER. Senhor Passo, Laurie, the "me" and everybody in my head agree: I really, REALLY, oughta check out. Leave it all. Just get away. From every- and anything. Whatever person, even the ones I like. Also myself. Not that I care much for me these days. They all advise me the same thing. In 3 or 4 languages, but what the… I decide we understand each other. No; deciding not needed. We're in it together, common understanding. Whatever origin. And they, we all SHOUT the same: GET OUT FROM THE GREY! Leave. However. To where? To what? It doesn't matter. The grey drags me down. So: Anywhere, anything. Just away! From myself. Too. I'm turning grey… #mantelmomento #danielmantel #laurieandthestoryof #primeiroproximopasso #udenfilter #grey #getaway #clouds #intothedark #leaving #breakdown #ontheedge #boring #nogood #winter #depression #toomuch #overload #goingdown #changeneeded #whatever #whocares #emptiness #enoughhashtags #selfloathing #deadfeelings #iamfilledwaytoomuchwithstuffofallkindsexceptthefewthingsthatreallymatterssoihavetocutawayalotincludingthegrowinggreyinside (Usual one-off hashtag...) (her: Everywhere on Earth)
Diary entry #26
TW- ed (my blog is not going to become an ed blog so like if you’re triggered by that sort of stuff I will not talk about it a lot and I will label it every time), family stuff, sui
It feels like I’m in an endless cycle of suffering in a lot of different ways, just stacking on top of each other and melting together. I’m back on my ed bullshit unfortunately, triggered by me stopping my depression/sleep meds that made me binge all the time for like 5 fucking years among other things. I’m always stopped before I can hurt myself too terribly, but I don’t want to be stopped this time.
My grandma always thinks I’m starving myself for attention or whatever, but it’s like a drive in me or something. I always need to destroy myself somehow, and this is one way I can do so. I think she thinks I’m an attention whore, which in some ways I might be, but starving myself for attention would be even more miserable than me doing it to lose weight/hurt myself. I hate having an ed so much. It gives me a bit of control over my life, but I am so cold and so tired all the time. I think my grandparents do not think of me highly at all, and I’m hurt by that quite a lot.
At this point, if my grandparents try to stop me, maybe I’ll tell them the truth. I have no control over my life, I’m just a hamster on a wheel. I want my body to be androgynous, because that’s the best I can get right now without control over what I’m wearing and my haircut, and also lack of T. I could technically wear what I want, but last time I tried that my grandma called me the D slur. I know trying to look more like how I want is a fool’s errand, and I mostly just want to destroy myself.
Sometimes I really think that I should die. That everyone would be better off without me. But there’s a couple major things that are affecting that thought. I have stopped caring if people hate me as much; if they hate me, I can’t control it. In fact, their spite kind of keeps me alive. If I die looking like a girl… I don’t even know. I want to die as a man. And also, I’m probably too much of a pussy to actually kms.
Sorry I bitch a lot on here, I have no one to talk to.
Surviving under late stage capitalism is hard, especially when you’re out of spoons and you’re lucky if you have a plastic knife. We’re here to help.
The Sad Bastard Cookbook: Food You Can Make So You Don’t Die is a community-built, vegetarian/vegan guide to getting food in your facehole when you’re suffering from depression. Or other mental illnesses or physical illnesses or *waves hand generally at the state of the world* anything else.
We’ve made it free on our website because life sucks enough without having to give Jeff Bezos money, but we also do have a paperback copy available for sale over there too, since we also need to eat.
https://nightbeatseu.ca/the-sad-bastard-cookbook/
Watch: Kristen Bell opens up about the mental health double standard and how she manages her own struggle.
Follow @this-is-life-actually
TW: mental health, dissatisfaction, and more. Lil vent thing
I kinda miss being depressed. Not depressed as in I’m diagnosed. But I kinda miss the most recent time I was able to feel
I know it’s weird. Back then I wished to be like this. To be unable to feel. I wanted it so bad. Wanted it to take the pain away. And when it happened I was okay with it. After all how could I be happy. I haven’t been able to be happy for years now. But now that’s not even sad because I can’t feel that either
Even if tears start to from. Even if my face is drenched in them. I still feel nothing. It’s still empty. It’s a hollow show of emotion. A emotion that isn’t even there
I can’t be sad about this. And I can’t be happy about this
At first I was fine with it. Saw it as a good thing. I was happy to get rid of my emotions, and be able to live my life without constant stress, sadness, and dread
I’m not mad I’m like this. Not upset. I can’t be. But I’m kind of growing tired of it. I’ve been unable to feel anything for around 4 years now. It was nice at first. As nice as it can be when you’re like this. But now I kind of want to go back
Not forever. Just for a few months. Kind of like a refresher. So I can remember what it felt like. What my thoughts were. What I acted like. It would be good for me. Realistically I need to heal, and starting to feel again is apart of that process. And it’s gonna be a painful one. I don’t think I’ll feel happy for a while when I start to feel again
But that’s not what I’m referring to. I want my wish to come true. To feel absolute despair for a few months. Maybe 3, or four. Not too long. I want to feel awful. I want to be connected to that part of me. I want to remember exactly what it felt like. Rather than being so disconnected
What’s weird though is that if I went back I’d likely long for this again. No matter what we always long for the other situation. But for me I haven’t longed for happiness. I haven’t even considered it as an option
Probably says a lot about me
It’s a little hard to stay focused on this, and to come up with the words. And to write it at the same time. And to remember my thoughts before I started writing. I hate thinking of ideas so perfectly then forgetting them before I can write them
So many beautiful thoughts faded away
I also wish I didn’t have random incorrect spelling lines all over this post even when they are meant to be gone. There is one above a word right now. There’s not even anything there. And it’s from the previos post I think. I could close this, and it probably would reset, but I don’t care to. I kinda hate the replacement lines which is what these actually are I guess, but who cares
Back on topic
Now it’s gonna be hard to start thinking about it again
This is gonna be so long and these useless bits aren’t helping. Oh well
Now back for real. Not that anyone’s reading this anyway. Hi
It kinda sucks being disconnected. At first it was nice. I didn’t feel awful, and got to keep all the good. Like the memories, getting ‘happy’ from music, and other things occasionally, and having opinions
Now though it’s kinda got harder. I do have opinions of course, but they feel harder to grasp. They probably always were since this started, but still
It’s harder to know if I like a song when I try to listen to new stuff. It’s so rare for it to actually make me physically feel something. I don’t feel anything mentally so I have to rely on guesswork, physical feelings, and any shows of emotion my body decides to do. Like smiling, laughing, quickened heartbeat, and crying. I think I’m pretty good at being able to guess what I’d be feeling in the exact moment I’m in. Right now I’d either feel nothing, or be crying for talking about my feelings. Then I’d also hate myself for crying, and being weak. And if probably be degrading myself because I think I deserve it
Sorry that’s a big paragraph
Is mental self harm a thing? I’m not talking about occasionally saying something bad about yourself in your head. Which isn’t healthy either, but not the topic. I’m talking about the thoughts you get at night when you’re all alone with them
Pointing out everything you hate about yourself until you cry. Telling yourself why things would be better off for everyone if you died. How they’d have more time, resources, and money if you were never born. And you just constantly waste then
Anyway
I want to at least feel physically happy again. I want to feel my heart crushing in a good way, and want to squeal. Stuff has made me feel like that recently but not recently enough. I enjoyed listening to strawberry gashes for at least an hour. And Pretty by Kidneythieves. I loved thinking about a ship I’m Hyperfixating about
But nothing is giving me that anymore. It always sucks when it goes away
I just took a few minutes break from this, and had a pretty good cry, and thought some good thoughts. Don’t know if this helped me at all, but it’s something. I had thoughts. Not feelings though. But I cried, and yeah
Can’t really continue this. I don’t know if I can get back in the track I was on. Goodbye
Depression
Sources: SigningSavvy, Lifeprint, ASLDeafined
[Image ID:
Depression in American Sign Language. Middle fingers of hands in open 8 handshape trace a line down the chest. Moveme is illustrated by arms that are translucent shades of blue in different stages of the sign. The blues get darker and less saturated as they go down.
End ID]
TW: prescription side effects..? Idk if that’s a TW but I’ll say it anyway
So like I’ve discovered a double edged side effect of sertraline. If u forget to take it it reminds u but it reminds you with a feeling I can best describe as:
-chromatically aberrating for 0.5 seconds.
- your brain goes “!!”
-softest bio emp
-like when u get vertigo and the world tilts but there’s no tilting involved
-astral projecting out of ur body by a centimeter for a second
-your brain to body signal lagged
Depression and Inflation read!
Edit: slava
Read: Vasco
When Kanye's having a good day then starts thinking about how well he was doing before he married Kim soundtrack by me
It’s my original Kanye meme extravaganza
*wakes up*
Wow I em sad
U ever watch those "Signs Of Depression" vids even though u know all the signs and have been diagnosed, just to make sure?
Rlly uncomfortable w the thought of my existence rn👁~👁
Kind of feel like everyone I know hates me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯