Depression - Blog Posts

Me: I can't b depressed, I don't want to kill myself kind of

Also me: Why do I feel like I'm about to burst into tears all the time? Hmmmm🤔

There's something wroooong 👁-👁🤙

Everything feels very fucking wrong rn

I'm so fucking sick of this bed, this room, this life.

U ever try to get to sleep at night but then sum dark thought becomes too real and u have to immediately open ur eyes b4 u fall too deep? Cause same

Everyone my age I meet has done so much, won awards, done crazy shit, made friends, been a part of a community, traveled, lived...and I've done almost nothing, I've left almost no mark on the world. I know I still I have time, but I can't help from feeling incredibly behind

Don't know how accurate these r, but it's reassuring nonetheless that I'm not imagining it.

I want to start restricting again just so I can feel like I'm working towards smth, accomplishing smth

But I won't

I don't want to sleep bc I don't want to start another day & I don't want to b awake bc I can't b bothered to derive pleasure from anything

bInGO

Wow, depression tumblr has a less memes than ED tumblr.

Ik I shouldn't b surprised, but here we r

I put all this energy into telling myself I need to b productive and paint or clean or go for a walk until I finally do smth

Yet by the end of the day nothing has rlly changed and nothing rlly got done and it's all the same

i have. a lot of big complicated thoughts about how people tend to treat depression as like. as if it’s nothing. like it’s the most basic easiest mental illness ever. why do we do this. depression kills people. constantly. people will throw around “depression and anxiety” and say they’re totally normalized nonstigmatized disorders and then you realize they only think mild versions of these disorders exist. i have a laundry list of mental disorders and the only one that’s ever actually put my life at risk was depression. if you throw around depression as if it’s the mildest least harmful mental illness ever have you considered shutting the fuck up.

Its like something inside of me is trying to sabotage my life.

Why can't I sleep.

I just need to sleep.

Everything is happening all at once.

I want someone to cast down a rope, I want to hold on to that rope and escape.

Life update: Mood swings and depression are at an all-time high. Very horrible. Im not myself lately. I'm mean, nasty, and lashing out at all my loved ones. Trying to convince them to hate me, because if they hate me they can't be sad when im dead. Im actively suicidal and always very close to doing something or hurting myself. Exhausting. I went to the doctors today. Wanted to tell her about my horrible depression, but my mother was there. Got cold feet. Doctor told me Neurology doesn’t do POTS testing at ucsf but Cardiology does, so I’m getting referred for possible table testing. And the Disease place replied back to her and is requesting testing for Lyme because of everything I told them about how sick I am/get , so I had blood work done today. If I come back negative then I don't have to worry at all about it, apparently. But they are running three different types of testing and splotches to make sure. Unfortunately nothing back from mental health though. Which I need badly. I break down crying at nothing  Im just awful in every way...How can he say im getting better..?

I am in a lot of pain, and very emotionally unstable. Everything feels 20x harder on me today. I just want to be done with everything.  Gonna smoke some and try to sleep, if the pain doesn't stop me.

Eu não suporto mais essa dor no meu coração, esse sufoco e bolo na minha garganta, sinto como se minha respiração estivesse diminuindo a cada dia, e que esse dia está para chegar logo, logo. Eu queria acabar de vez com isso, mas ai eu penso em como minha mãe e meu pai se sentirão, será que seria como eu penso? Pq tudo que faço é pensar nas pessoas ao invés de mim, sempre. A dor que carrego é imensa, são muitos sentimentos misturados, confusos e lutando para ver quem me machuca mais.

Há pessoas que amo precisando de mim, de conselho e apoio, mas eu simplesmente não sei o que dizer, pq a dor me tira as palavras e faz com que eu parece que não me importo, eu me importo, e muito, tanto que grita em frustração.

Eu não sei exatamente o que fazer, vivo cheia de incertezas, sem solução e isso piora tudo.

Meu corpo está no automático, como um robô, mas a verdade é que me sinto morta, já faz um longo tempo.

Little Intro

Hi, My call me Dee! I'm a 23-year-old NonBinary[Neutrois] Spoonie. Over the past few years, I've gotten a few official DX’s after suffering for years since I was really young. Its been hard trying to come to terms with things and accepting my mind and body for what they are and the illnesses I do have. It's taken this long to stop fighting myself and consider extensive therapy and medicine. I tried when I was younger but being a mentally Ill and hurting kid I didn’t want to accept certain things. Especially when society makes things like mental illness so taboo. But I’m 23 now and I realize I went through nothing a child should ever have to, and yes I survived but at the cost of my mental and physical well being. Coming to terms with that, and that I can't and will never be fully able-bodied is hard. I'm hoping that eventually, I learn to accept and love myself the way I am and stop comparing myself to others. A bit about my conditions:

Mental:

•C-PTSD

•Anxiety/Panic Disorder [Severe]

•BPD

•Bipolar

•Depression [Severe]

•Dissociative Disorder

•DPDR

•OCD

•Paranoid Personality Disorder

•Maladaptive Daydreaming. [not sure if this counts much.]

| I also think I have OSDD-1b but I'm too scared to tell my new Doctor just yet.

Physical:

•IBS-D

•Fibromyalgia

•PCOS

•Psoriasis

•Terrible sinus/ear issues that we don't know what it's from yet.

•Eating Disorders. [A and B, as well as BED]  •Sluggish Gallbladder

Medications:

Going to start Vistaril soon for my anxiety. Hope it helps. If anyone is on it too let me know how it helps for you.

Tldr; I'm using this blog as a way to help vent and come to terms with things about my mental and physical health. The past few years have hit me so hard. A lot of trauma memories resurfacing because of trying to recover from abuse and a bad childhood. The stress of this flaring up my body and a lot of invalidation from my mother and family. I just want to at least make a small place for myself where I can feel that I somewhat belong, even a tiny bit.

So..Lets see where this goes. :)

Last night was one of the worst. I just couldn’t stop crying cuz somebody close to me almost died. Thankfully everything turned out fine in the end but it really took a toll on me. I couldn’t sleep so I tried reading a book but that just made me cry more. Life is hard innit </3

Haven’t been here for a long time, changed phones and App Store didn’t have tumblr for the Middle East store, I recently pulled some strings and got the app. No I don’t actively self harm anymore. Things aren’t the best but I’m trying xoxo

This is my hand after relapse for everyone wondering.

I relapsed a few days back. I've been crying for weeks I can't take it anymore. It's so damn hard. It's like I'm in peices and a shredder is shredding them.

Suing my parents.

I'm suing my parents for giving birth to me without my consent.

He left

He did exactly he said he will never do. He left too. He told me he is tired of me constantly crying and being 'filmy'. I asked him to leave he did and he blamed me for that he said that he is leaving because I told him to. What the fuck could I do? He was tried of me.

Depression is driving a car dry, no oil, no gas, just habit. Nothing slows, people die, jobs disappear, experiences pass. Everything is a miraculous colorful blur that illicits no feeling in you. You remember that it used to and this pricks your fingers with drops of sadness. It grinds you down, your body grows weary. What doesn’t kill you right away doesn’t make you stronger, it just takes it’s time. And that’s all you have, sitting in your hands like a steering wheel stuck straight, propelling you ever forward. Never caring to ask if you’re ready, if it hurts. Depression is driving a car dry because that’s all you know how to do. To keep going even though you’ve nothing left.

Flower Meadow

Sometimes I wish to be in a flower meadow;

One that brings tranquility and serendipity.

But instead I am stuck in the English rain.

Memories of contentment fade as quickly as the come.

I try to hold on to them;

But they slip through my hands like the golden glitter of the beach.

I dream big joyous fantasies;

But struggle to let them become anything other than fantasies.

I still have hope...

Hope that one day I shall find my flower meadow.

- Mohomotši

one day i will wake up and i will get out of bed straightaway and i will make breakfast (and eat it) and i will journal and do yoga and clean while listening to music and bake and dance and love and love and love and go to work in a job i love and come home to the house i love that i share with the one i love and it will smell so much like love that it will make people sick and i will write letters to my friends with little mementos in and i will stargaze and i will watch my favourite movies in a pillow fort with hot chocolate and snacks on a rainy day and i will jump in puddles and shout back to thunder and howl and the moon and i will live.

one day.

Help

I'm tired

Of fighting with you

Of you ignoring my problems

Of you not hearing my cries at night

You think I've changed

The fact is I haven't

I'm still a child asking for help

This time my method has changed

My problems have changed

I haven't

Please help me.

Help me before it's too late.