Depression - Blog Posts

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how far I’ve come and how much progress I’ve made, and I have to say, I’m really proud of myself. This time last year I woke up and wondered how I was going to survive the next day. Sometimes I woke up and nearly decided I wasn’t going to and that I was tired of having to survive any days.

It’s been a long, hard road to the place I am now, and I still have so far to go. But I’ve done a pretty good job so far! I’m still here.

Today I was reminded of just how strong I am - that I’m still here, even though a year ago, I didn’t want to be and might’ve done something to ensure that I wasn’t. Sometimes I still don’t want to be here, but now I have the proper tools and the best support anyone could ever ask for.

I know I still have a long way to go and I know there are things coming up in my life that are going to try and tear down the structure in my life, but I’m pretty proud of myself.

Go me.

Watching my life collapse in on itself in real time is different from how I imagined it.

It’s strange to find yourself missing someone, then realize they’ve changed over the years. So the person you miss doesn’t exist anymore.

It doesn’t seem like much but I just failed for the third time on the exact same project and I’ve already spent way too much money on it and it’s after 1am and I think I might cry but I don’t want to wake my wife up.

Recently Allison and I watched the classic film Stand By Me. I don't want to ruin the plot for anyone who hasn't seen the movie but at a certain point the narrator says how he and the other boys felt better than they ever had before because "right then we knew exactly who we were and where we were going". Surprisingly it was at this point that I had a small epiphany.

I realized I had never felt this way before.

Never have I had something that consumed my whole life in that way. A goal that made me feel like I knew exactly what I had to do and why I had to do it. It made me a bit depressed but also made me realize that I was missing that one thing in my life.

The biggest question I need to ask myself now is what that one thing might be.

Sleepless

I can't go to sleep.

About an hour ago I was hit with this huge wave of depression that seemed to come out of no where. It was this weight on my chest consisting of every fear, anger, and frustration I have about my life. It's not that I'm an unhappy person but for some reason I became terrified about the direction my life is headed in. I'm working a job that I can mildly stand, in a relationship I'm afraid to lose, and living a life that I've convinced myself will implode at any given moment.

The reason I can't go to sleep is because lying in bed will only serve to amplify the voices since there is nothing distracting me from thinking about them. They'll just get louder and louder until I finally pass out. These moods of mine aren't as frequent as they are for many people but they are starting to worry me.

I have no real desire to be rich or famous, all I've ever wanted was to wake up every morning and not want to just go back to sleep.

At the moment I'm not quite there yet but hopefully one day soon I'll be able to say I've made it :)

Day 21 : Drain 😔

got an appointment today for my depression hopefully i can get medicated 🕯🙏

Sick [Vent]

Caught in a sickness cycle

Heya everybody, Kitty here! With a vent animatic?? Crazy I know. I've just been super burned out lately and have had one too many trips to the doctor for medication. On top of that I also got a fever and I just had to express my feelings. I could write something long on it, but it's pretty obvious what it's about so uhh, yeah.

Watch on YT: https://youtu.be/oG0yCd8MZJs

Thumbnail ^^

And the art png :0

Everyone cares so much about abused kids until they grow up to be broken adults.

As much as we talk about mental health, I feel like we’re also perpetuating this culture of anti-forgiveness that is so against the idea that people can change, that it’s actually detrimental to mental health because the reality is, everybody makes mistakes, and a lot of people make big mistakes, but that doesn’t mean that they’re always bad people. I think we’re really damaging people’s mental health with this idea that people can’t reform. Just because you make a mistake, even if it’s a big one, does not mean that there’s anything inherently wrong with you and that you can’t do better, and we should stop perpetuating that idea. Anyway, that’s my two cents.

I’ve been going through a bit of a dark time lately.

I doubt anyone on here really cares, and it’s probably gonna sound like a first world problem, but I need to vent about it. I’ve struggled with a lot in my life. Abuse, assault, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, financial hardship, bullying, etc. Things are just finally starting to be okay at least as far as what’s going on in my life. The depression and anxiety and stuff are still there but that’s to be expected. Here’s my problem, I’m scared that I won’t be able to live my dream. Like I said, I know it sounds like a first world problem, but hear me out. My dream is to make music. I don’t care whether or not I’m a celebrity, in fact, I’d prefer not to be. But I do want to help people. I want to give people a reason to live with my music just like other people gave me a reason to live with theirs. For a long time I didn’t think I was good enough to make music. However, I recently got a whole lot of positive feedback. I shared my music with some people at the hospital I was in a few weeks back and they freaked out. They were so supportive of me and really wanted me to pursue music. They really thought I had a shot. They thought I was amazing. It was incredible to have all those people supporting me and it really made me realize that I can do this. The problem is that I don’t have the means. I don’t have the kind of money to get recording equipment that’ll record my voice the way that it sounds in person instead of cutting out all of the power in my voice and making it sound average. I don’t have a soft voice. I don’t have a voice that can be accurately represented with an iPhone mic. Those mics try to cut out echo and background noise which is really detrimental to someone who has a voice like mine. I know it sounds really stupid but it’s really been a struggle for me. I’m terrified of becoming average. Don’t get me wrong, we need people to work in offices and be nurses and construction workers and teachers and everything else in between. But that’s not for me. It’s not who I am. I don’t think I could ever be that person. I think I’d probably kill myself if I was forced to. Anyway, if you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading my rant. I really appreciate you caring enough to do so. Thank you.

me: *finally opens up to someone"

me: *feels better afterwards*

a few hours later

me: i am so sorry to even have bothered you. please erase my existence from your memory.

Just some art I did that was inspired by today’s recent bout of shitty emotions.

Oh my god please tell me this is a joke. People perceiving my bpd as manipulation has torn my life apart and I just lost the love of my life to it. This disorder ruins my life. It took him away from me. And I’m so fucking tired of it.

I really don’t understand why so many borderlines are so afraid of unintentionally being manipulative.

PREACH

The not so funny thing about mental illness

I’ve met a lot of people who flaunt their mental illness. They use it as an excuse to be bad to other people and to themselves, and they want all the attention that comes from that. They’re upset and need help and assume that needing help means they have a mental illness. And maybe they do, maybe they really have that mental illness. But the problem with so many people using things like depression and anxiety for attention is that it forms an image in people’s heads that mental illness is something that exists only when something bad has happened, and that everything will be ok once the situation improves. I’m gonna be honest: this gets me so angry. Not so much angry as jealous. I’m jealous of these people that can just switch off their mental illness when they’re happy. I’m happy. Everything in my life is objectively amazing, but it’s still so hard just to keep getting out of bed every day. I feel guilty cause there are people out there with problems and I want to end it all even though everything is amazing. But that’s just it; Mental illnesses don’t care what’s happening around you, they’ll do anything to keep you in their grasp. It’s not fun and it isn’t fair. Which is why when people use mental illness for their own gain without actually having it I get so upset. We should all be able to get help, with or without an illness, but these illnesses aren’t a trend or something cool to look up to, they ruin lives. Lives like mine. But, this isn’t about me. Not really. It’s about everyone with mental illnesses that they can’t just turn off when they get bored or want to be happy. I want to acknowledge the struggles they go through daily, the strain on their relationships, jobs, personal hygiene, even when everything is going well. You deserve better, and I hope one day you can find it one day. 

You never will

Sadness 💙

Goo Hara's story is one of the most tragic and rough in kpop history. And in light of the recent events, I'd like to share it.

It's pretty possible that most of you (ppl who weren't around for 2nd generation prime) dont know Goo Hara or her legendary group KARA. The group was among the top three girl groups nation wise, and number one in Japan.

But when KARA debuted it wasn't very popular, so when one member left, the company saw the opportunity to revamp the group and they added two new members. One of those was Goo Hara. She was introduced as main dancer and visual.

Hara's integration helped the group. Her innocent beauty in contrast to an effortless sex appeal caused men and women, children and adults, to fall in love with the idol, and this new fandom catapulted the group. Even though before debut she already had many fans, she already had antis too. A big portion of the original fandom rejected the integration of Hara. So from day one Hara had a strong individual fandom, but the group's fandom hated her.

Hara became the it girl of the moment, getting all the commercial contracts - this generated animosity from the fandom that questioned why she was the only one who was given the opportunities and why she did not participate in the commercial activities of the group. This did not weigh much on Hara at first, since she was somewhat accustomed to hate for no reason - in high school she was the victim of such extreme bullying that she had to change schools several times. She had the general public in her palms, so a portion of the fandom hating her was manageable.

But the love and support from the general public didn't last long, as netizens searched the internet to find something to destroy her and succeeded. They found Hara's teenage blog from before she was and idol, and in it they found photos of her in a hostel on her 17th birthday with her boyfriend at the time. They published them saying that Hara had had a romantic stay at the hostel and therefore she had sex while being a minor. And although the company denied it and Hara's friends said it had been a group trip, the netizens sought witnesses to support their accusations and thus began the gossip that Hara was promiscuous. This accusations gained notoriety when her relationship with Junhyun of B2ST became public. And so netizens invented her love affairs with many idols.

The situation reached a climax in Radio Star, when the MC asked KARA what topic they didn't want to talk about, to which Hara replied "dating." The three MCs started joking with Hara's promiscuity in a rather heavy way. And although it is well known that this type of image is harmful to an idol (mostly female idols) the MCs continued with the jokes. Hara tried to laugh it off but it was a comment from Kyuhyun that made her crack, being the gossip expert on the show, he said "if I said what I know, her career would be over." It was then that Hara threw him a bottle of juice playfully and then broke into tears. Hara was accused of being violent, unprofessional and disrespectful by netizens. And when one of the MCs came out in her defense and apologized for what they had done, the netizens said that "Hara's tantrums had forced him to apologize" and they hated her more.

Shortly after this, KARA disintegrated. But despite everything, Hara made a fortune as a commercial model. And there is nothing that netizens hate more than a successful, independent and wealthy woman. Especially if she achieves so despite public hate. And even more, if this successful, independent and wealthy woman is best friends with another successful, independent and wealthy woman (Sulli) that netizens also tried to destroy. And so, Goo Hara moved on with her life, even though the hate never stopped.

On September 4, 2018, Goo Hara (who is 1.64 and is so thin that she has been accused of being anorexic) was accused of beating her boyfriend. For the following week there were no signs of Hara, while the boyfriend appeared in the media several times a day giving interviews about it, and saying that she had gone crazy when he tried to end the relationship. He said he wasn't going to go public at first but when he got home he realized she had "disfigured" him and his face "is a big part of how he makes a living" (he's a hairdresser) so he decided to let everyone know the type of person she is. At some point the guy gave an interview in a hospital gown and connected to serum, despite having given interviews without these things several days before, and the hospital records shows he only had scratches. But despite being suspicious, the netizens did not need more, and cited what happened on radio star, her promiscuity and her friendship with Sulli as evidence of her violence and imbalance, and demanded jail time for Hara.

Time after that, Hara finally appeared on the media, which she had not done because she had been hospitalized due to the beating that the boyfriend (the alleged victim) gave her. Attack that damaged her internal organs to the degree of causing severe bleeding. Incidentally, there was damage to her intimate organs, so a rape is suspected, although it was never confirmed as such. And although Hara presented evidence and a witness, the netizens did not believe her, they said that she paid the witness and that, because she was promiscuous, her word had no worth. It was then that Dispatch revealed that the boyfriend had offered them the premise of the matter, then screenshots of the guy blackmailing Hara with an intimate video that he filmed against her will came to light. Just then the netizens decided to listen to her. The witness (Hara's roomie) came out to give her version of the facts: the guy had entered without permission with the access code and had woken Hara by kicking the bed. The witness and the messages proved that Hara had broke up with him and he wanted to blackmail her with the intimate video and threatened to end her career, Hara tried to take the video, and the guy beat her up. After that, he destroyed averything and anything he could find at the apartment, while Hara begged him not to publish the video. In the week that Hara was hospitalized the guy sent her threats and fragments of the video as blackmail.

For a while Hara had the empathy of the netizens, but the case was never resolved judicially, and the public eventually forgot what happened and attacked Hara again. This year Hara uploaded a photo to her social media for the first time, thanking the support she received in those difficult moments. And the netizens accused her of attention seeking, they said that if she was really hurt she shouldn't be on social media after what happened, and accused her of being unaware of the damage she caused her ex - who could no longer show his face in public. Soon she went to Japan to fulfill previous contracts and they accused her of fleeing, of indifference and said that what had happened hadn't been so serious if she was already working and she had made a big drama for nothing. Meanwhile the ex is active in social media and opened a new beauty salon, which was very successful. And as if that were not enough, the ex-boyfriend, Junghyun (B2ST) ended up entangled in the Seungri/Rising Sun scandal. And although it has been said that he was not an active participant beyond commenting on the videos that JJY sent, the netizens insisted that there were videos and intimate photos of Hara in the infamous chats.

After this, Hara uploaded a picture and netizens accused her of getting plastic surgery. Hara said that she had eyelid surgery for medical reasons and asked people to stop attacking her, but the netizens ignored and attacked her for the surgery.

May 25th 2019, Hara was found unconscious in her apartment. It was said it had been a suicide attempt. This incident, unlike others in the world of kpop, did not have a wave of positive and empathetic comments wishing her recovery, but the comments were insults, offenses and ridicule towards Hara. They even reproached her for her lack of success in committing suicide, accused her of faking it, said that the news were false to get attention and attacked her more than ever.

Soon after that Hara los her best friend.

This news were devastating but they were not a surprise, at least to me. I made a post about Sulli's passing asking people to support Hara, because I knew that she would be next. She had already tried. And she got hate for not succeeding.

A lot of the kpop fandom now wasn't around for most of the second generation mess. We had idols poisoned, attacked, and destroyed by netizens. There still are many idols victims of slave contracts and abuse but back then you saw the proof of those things regularly. With idols passing out and stuff.

Korea, specifically its treatment of celebrities is crap. Its inhuman. As international fans we should spread love for idols. And ask the companies to care for them, we should watch for their best interests as humans. What Hyuna and Edawn are doing, going on variety shows and doing photoshoots together as a couple is huge. What Mamamoo has been doing is huge. What Holland is doing is huge. Please support the idols who are actively fighting to change Koreas celebrity culture. ITS IMPORTANT.

And its important to know the stories of idols like Hara, Hangeng, T-ARA... because this idols were victims and where given nothing but hate. Hate that ended their careers or in Hara and Sulli's case, their lives. Hate kills. Haters kill. Not allowing people to live a plenty life, kills. Not allowing people to make mistakes, kills. I hope you read Hara's story and pay attention to female idols with a bad reputation, they're vulnerable in so many ways. And I hope that, in the future, when an idol survives a suicide attempt y'all wont ignore it like you did Hara.

REST IN PEACE🙏💔💔🙏

Well, well, well...🤪

"what diet are you doing? I wish I could loose weight as fast as you, youre so thin!"

Oh Thanks! yeah it's uhhh... *looks at scratchy writing on palm* Medicine Side Effects, Clinical Depression and the constant violent nausea that keeps haunting my waking hours:)

I'm afraid of the darkness.

Fuck. #depression

Everyone had their reasons, you just don't know what they are yet