Depression - Blog Posts
... Or Give Me Death.
Im nobody, the faceless.
the one you forget and leave nameless.
the one who cares for the careless.
teaches fear to be fearless.
thatll pick you up and be proud of.
the one who will give it all up.
who will bare your pain for a smile.
and all the while....
Im nobody the faceless.
the one forgot, burred nameless
the one trying to find where this pain fits.
wears a mask where their face is
fast loosing their patience.
one thats tired just waiting for days end.
questions existence.
that just want to KNOW.
they made one persons day
then the pain was worth it.
but not taken away
.
something is missing.
I looked in the mirror today. There was a stranger standing there, with familiar bone structure. I almost recognized him. He waved. He didnt say whether it was a hello or good bye. I wasnt sure. He wouldnt make eye contact, though I was looking right at him. I dont think he was from around here. He felt as though he belonged to another galaxy. There was nothing I could do. I turned… and walked away. No matter where you go, you take yourself with you. and I closed the door. and no one has heard from me since.
Winning at betrayal.
I still feel her ghost inside me. numbing sting,I thought would subside by now. I wore my self out. you burned me down. and I was happy. down that road we always drove.I loved it then, but wish to forget it now. those songs we sang never meant more. all that I was somehow turned to ruin, and into nothing... and no more. swept and trampled under the rug. my morals walking out the door behind me. back turned. I didnt care.I dont know how. but all I have to blame is love. no no. it was you my dear. that wasnt love. but I still swallow that knot of rage. that gulp of pain. willingly for you. theres no more I can do. No not for you. no not for you. even if I wanted to. but Im confused. like cattle. I was herded. left undone and deserted. I was more than scared. and Im still scared. a golden tongue a raised right hand, blasphemy. I never even knew. why, just explain to me. just one time. time to put my writhing mind at peace. its ok. ill be ok. its ok. now I keep you as memory, like a melody I cant shake from my history. a tale better told as fantasy end tragedy. or maybe played out on the big screen. but not to me. no not to me. I hope one day... just so you know.. it was the end of that life. and as weak as I am I didnt do it. Always stronger than I think and more than youd credit me. With no one to guide me I flew into the sun. I am not your savior. a knight with no armor. but a castle around my heart. but theres still ways in. though Ive heard it haunted. The sun will shine again and burn away the shadows. leaving only scars. no pain. just reminders of the hardest battles never won. to remind you how you lived through everything you thought would have you come undone. and with that you realize. Ive already ...
Words hold no truth, bear no meaning.
A flick of the tongue and a feeling. Combined with a gust of air. A string of linear conscious thought and an inquisitive stare. A thought now gave flesh by word. though its new definition pales when compared.
the eeg shell.
Ill grit my teeth and bare your pain.
but you wont remember me.
all I was, this life, my tragedy.
a delicate balance, definition of fragility.
though planted feet I loose stability.
its hard to breath drowned in humility.
all the words I took for granted.
Even while trying I cant imagine.
I just want to say Im sorry.
a clean escape.
The water is drawn and Im all alone.
I look at myself as I take off my clothes.
I look pretty decent.
Its the real me that nobody knows.
I know the secrets that nobody can.
nearly flawless canvas on a broken man.
Im thinking of you as Im lowering in.
Warm relaxing water just under my chin.
the last time you made me smile.
The last time you made me laugh.
This is the last time Ill take a bath.
The sleep is coming. Im going to drown.
Im dreaming of you on the way down.
I just... Hate myself so much. It bleeds onto the things around me. Today was hard. Much harder than it needed to be. I'm not meant to be loved. The attention and affection i do get is not only alien, but feels like the universe teasing me. I know it won't go anywhere beside that fleeting moment. But fuck me. I want to die. Kill me. I'm never going to figure this out. I'm never going to be given a chance. I'm not built for me. What a sentence that is. Just let me die.
I stood up and defended a friend from a weird situation on the street the other day. The group was amazed. The trick is hoping to lose. The trick is wanting the end..
I'm in my epilogue and the universe won't let me even think of trying anything else. No new stories. No new connections. No nothing.
I'm a skilled individual. I am engaging, intelligent and even a little charismatic.
What I'm not is lucky. Rolling the dice a lot and getting a couple wins is not the same as getting those two wins on two rolls.
There are things I'm not going to do in this life. There are a great many things that life will make sure is just up that hill. Call me Sisyphus.
I don't know how to not try. It hurts when I do. It hurts when I don't.
Other people certain things just fall in there lap.
Yes I'm jealous. I want to have fun. I want love. I wish the universe was just indifferent to me instead of against me.
I know it's bad when I'm staring off into nothing, just letting YouTube or whatever keep playing and I waste a day and notice it's still early. I just want it to be over.
**** I'm such a waste of human. I don't get it. I've been fighting this low, brought to you by my worthlessness, loneliness and depression for the past three weeks. This is much longer than most of my lows. When it gets back I get really itchy, when it gets to the bottom I start to feel like there's spiders on me, that's been happening every day.
This shouldn't be so hard. I'm distracted, I have serious head fog. I took a professional development course the other day and a section was about loneliness and suicide. That was funny. The entire time I'm thinking I'm not there I'm not there I'm not there... Yet.
Past couple days it's really been sinking in how I can't get ahead. How undesirable I am as a human being. How, I don't know. I'm actually a great guy. I'm funny and warm, I make space and time to those around me. In a case manager for a nonprofit, it's literally my job to take care of people. I'm reasonably good looking. I'm smart and have always been known for being thoughtful and having a good perspective.
None of that matters. I wish I was born an idiot. Heard the joke about how life and soccer are the same? I didn't want to but my mom made me.
I'm always a day late and a dollar short. I have no future and my death would be mourned by three people. I have a large net of a social group. Three people. And I'm being generous on the third.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do any more. I'm such a loser.
Quitting drugs.
Idk whats the saddest part or the hardest part to let go. Dwelling in past is never an option.. I will always try to be a better person than I was yesterday.
Building better lives for those experiencing mental illness...
I'm inspired to build better lives for those affected by mental illness. I'm #StigmaFree. Are you? www.nami.org/stigmafree
TOPIC: CONVICTION! Get a #dailydose of #food for the #soul from #mylibrary and have a #Blessed day! He gets preachers to preach on sins instead of sin. They preach about your conduct instead of your condition. They emphasize the sores on the body instead of the disease within. They preach about what you do instead of what you are. They preach about your your sins of habits; adultery; wife-beating; breaking the Sabbath; and other like sins. By emphasizing these, all of which are wrong, they make the sinner feel condemned and bad, because of what he has done. This brings morbid regret to the sinner, a feeling which he thinks is conviction. He is embarrassed before his sins, but he is not embarrassed before God. Holy Spirit conviction makes a man look, not so much upon his sins outwardly, but upon himself inwardly. He sees himself as a sinner against God; a Christ rejecting, hell-bent rebel against God's Will. This comes from preaching on what a man is, rather than what he does. Holy Spirit preaching emphasize the disease rather than the sores. This brings to a sinner a feeling that he is LOST. "Undone", is the word we used to use when dicribing this feeling. Yes, we knew we had done wrong, but more tham that, we knew we were hopelessly doomed because we were afflicted with the disease of sin, and that there was no remedy except Christ. THIS IS HOLY SPIRIT CONVICTION. The conviction of depression because of our sins, which Satan gives, is a conviction of the "flesh" (fleshly mind); but the conviction which the Holy Spirit gives is of the Spirit, and is based on the truth of what we are, rather than on what we have done. HASHTAG LIBRARY: #conviction #spirit #truth #flesh #satan #sins #depression #disease #Christ #HolySpirit #doomed #GodsWill #fleshlymind #lost #remedy #hopeless #Man #preach #emphasize #condition #conduct https://www.instagram.com/p/BoWxGeLhdak/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=6v5yvbjpnu0c
Mourning the life I never lived. The opportunities that I missed. The youth that Was wasted. What could have been.
I’m tired. I done with this rollercoaster. But I have to show up again today... and tomorrow. The pointless wheel keeps turning, and there’s only one way off this ride. 😔
I wish someone would say this to me whenever I'm sad...
I don't know that I've ever heard a more apt turn of phrase than "consumed by depression"
It swallows me whole without remorse and I wonder if this is the time I am truly consumed
The darkness in my head thick viscid pulling me under
I once thought you had come to banish the darkness It turns out you only came to snuff out my remaining light
For some of us, getting through the holiday season is kind of a nightmare, and this year in particular is tough for me. So I'm sticking with strategies that I know help. Rewatching old favourites, finding distractions, stepping back when I need to and not feeling guilty about it. One of my strategies is to binge the Doctor Who Christmas specials. So much fun (for me) to watch, and a great distraction. So, Allons-y!! What do you do to get through the holiday season? #doctorwho #christmasmovies #anxietystrategies #depressionstrategies #mentalhealthdoesnttakeaholiday #anxiety #depression https://www.instagram.com/p/CX39nDcr_iP/?utm_medium=tumblr
Ever since I first saw Endgame, I recognized the depth in Thor's story that maybe some who don't battle mental (or chronic) illness wouldn't. No matter what you're dealing with, or how much you struggle: You are still worthy. Nice to see a counselor agrees with me: https://www.whereyouarecounseling.com/blog/2019/9/13/what-thor-taught-us-about-depression-and-self-worth #youareworthy #depression #chronicillness #chronicillnessmemes #depressionmemesarethebest https://www.instagram.com/p/CKRL22vBwDEWYZ0d8izUOWwSuc6fQSCNkYB8R80/?igshid=1e74ihz7w0g4i
Reblog if
You've ever written your suicide note.
Inferior
I keep my head down low
I don't let passion show
I'm ugly and I know
I know I'm inferior
Using my ribs
To slit my wrists
This is the life I live
Obvious cheekbones
You laugh and you throw stones
This is the world I know
Starving off pounds
The wind blows me down
My enemy wears my crown.
Dear Anxiety,
I remember that I used to hate you
You told me not to take the bait you
Filled my head with thoughts like flames and you
Told me I was the one to blame.