Depression - Blog Posts

REMEMBER

YOUR MENTAL ILLNESS DOESN'T OWN YOU,

YOU OWN YOUR MENTAL ILLNESS.

Breathe

So, I haven’t posted since the last one. Been overwhelmed by work. I’m used to it, but I just don’t like the anxiety that comes with it. 

Depression, most especially. It’s almost unbelievable for me to have it when I am doing something that I love. But I guess, this kind of internal monster doesn’t care in whatever state you are. It comes like a thief in the night. Almost like how death arrives.

Just now, I was working in the office, printing documents and stuff, when I was on my way to my desk, something heavy just sat on me. I almost want to curl into a ball. And I’m like “oh no...please not now”

Just breathe. It’s only temporary. Out of nowhere, images of the future played in my head and gave me some form of anxiety.

It’s amazing how no one can notice a quiet person actually struggling with a chaotic internal battle.

I almost deal with this everyday. And I get tired everyday especially after you’ve been surrounded by a lot of people and talking to them. That when you come home, you’re just absolutley drained. The thoughts would settle in to accompany you. And you don’t know what to expect from them. You’re just numb, til you’re yourself again.

It’s a cycle.

I read somewhere that as someone with mental health issues, they have to learn how to accept it. Because there’s no cure. And to live your life to the fullest, you just have to live through it the best way we can.

And because of that article, I’ve been trying my best to accept that this is how my life is. But sometimes, you just can’t take it. I get tired of it. But again, that’s the way it is and you try your best to get through it in any way you can.

Best tip though: is to have someone who understands and not judge you. Someone just there to listen to you and be there for you. It’s rare to find someone like that.

I hope this post is something.

Something interesting I just realized, because I‘m experiencing it pretty badly at the moment:

It‘s hardly talked about, but once you are making noticable progress in your recovery from depression the damage it has done on your life really starts to kick in.

Suddenly you‘re more aware than ever how much work/social events/life in general you missed, because the question „Why did you achieve so little over the past couple of years?“ is absolutely inevitable and people will think that you were lazy during that time.

I think this is the most dangerous point of recovery for relapses, because whenever someone asks you what you did or didn‘t do while you were sick the realisation hits like a train.

Me saying this could definitely be regarded as pretentious, since I myself haven‘t exactly found a way to cope with this feeling, but I feel like it‘s very important to drown out those voices of „you didn‘t do anything“ „you were just lazy“ and „you‘re a complete failure, look at you“ with thoughts of „I survived.“ „I made it through“ „I managed not to let myself starve, I showered“ „I fed my pets/watered my plants regardless of how terrible I felt“

I‘m mainly saying this to myself in this post, but figured maybe this makes it onto the feed of someone who needs to hear this as well. Stay strong guys, we can get through this!

This!

I felt the same way when I finally watched Merlin a couple of months ago. I‘d been going through the worst four years of my life at the time but somehow this show woke something up inside of me that I thought I had lost many years ago. For the first time in possibly a decade I felt alive again, felt like myself! I really hold it dear to my heart and I‘m so very glad that the fandom is still this active and thriving because whenever I‘m relapsing to my old bad habits and mindsets I can pick up some fanfic or look at the amazing fanarts and feel a little better almost instantly.

Merlin is the first show I've cried over in a while. I'll see deeply profound posts abt it and just tear up like a mfer and it's exhilarating. I hate how much it makes me feel (lie) and I haven't felt so alive in at least a year. Merthur saved my life probably. :)

literally this............

look okay i am gonna get REAL cheesy

but when i first found merlin, i was 17, 18 years old. i was in a really pivotal time in my life and i was... so confident. so ready to take on the world. and these characters, they helped me. they were ready to take on the world, too, and i was ready to fight alongside them.

we drifted away, as we do. and i had... a really traumatic early 20s. one that made me lose myself. i no longer wanted to fight, to believe, to hope. survival was hard enough.

finding merlin again?

i feel like i am waking her up again. the person i was when i was ready to fight for what i believed in. i now want to pursue my lifelong dreams for the first time in years. i am passionate again. i am waking up.

merlin is an essential part of my life, and I am so glad to have him, and arthur, and gwen, and the knights, and Morgana, and all of you along with me.

3/9/2015

Wow, yesterday was insane.

I woke up at 5:45 A.M. because I needed to pick up Mable at the bus station. I wasn't really sure if anyone else would be willing to pick her up, which is why I agreed despite having to get up so early. Also, I'd be able to talk to her about getting an apartment. And she offered to pay for breakfast.

I got to the bus station and was pan-handled on the way in. I don't really know how to deal with those situations. I didn't give him anything, which I felt bad for, but I just don't feel comfortable in that scenario. I waited for Mable and she arrived on time. We made our way over to IHOP, our breakfast destination. I got the strawberry/banana french toast (which was very sweet but delicious). I asked her what she thought about getting an apartment, and she thought it was a good idea (though to be clear we had made vague plans to do this before). Though she brought up the fact that our friend Sadie would probably want to move in as well. I'm definitely fine with that; Sadie is part of our old D&D group and she's really agreeable and seems to be very responsible as well. I think she would make a good roommate. Honestly, Sadie might be a better roomie than Mable. Or me. 

I also mentioned my dog, Storm. I want to bring him, too, but he's a big dog and might be happier with a yard he could run around in. I'd also have to pay the pet deposit and extra fees myself, but I'm fine with that. I think Mable seemed agitated at the idea, but I was very adamant that I would be the one paying and doing all of the work. I don't know, though. I'm really starting to think that it would be better to leave him at the house. I don't even have a job yet, so I don't know how much money I'd be making. No matter what it won't be that much. Maybe a bit over minimum wage if I'm lucky.

Anyway, Mable and I spent the day together. We got gas, headed back to Mable's place, went to the book store, had lunch, and went to Mable's place again. She told me about her trip (which she spent with her girlfriend) and the things she did. It was a really fun day, although a bit intensive. I think we were both ready to pass out all day--me from waking up early, her from sleeping on and off on the long bus ride home. 

I had a bit of an anxiety spike yesterday. Someone posted a gag article saying it was going to snow again and my brain went straight into end-of-the-world mode. Today was better anxiety-wise, but I had to physically recover from staying awake for so long. I felt ready to apply for jobs today, but I didn't. I still need to collect my references, and that requires social interaction. I think I should head to my university tomorrow and hang out with some people. That way I can be social and maybe work up the energy to talk to people about references.

3/7/15 (part 2)

I'm struggling to find a schedule for myself. I don't know how many times I've set up a certain routine to follow--to dos to do, daily activities to complete, hygiene to keep up with--but I never get past the first week (if that). Sometimes I don't make it the first day. I'm holding on to this idea, that if I have a schedule that I maintain, it'll be so much easier to complete tasks. I mean, it makes sense, right? I get into good habits and then I don't have to worry that my teeth are gonna fall out because I don't brush enough. I just wish I could make a schedule that I could stick to. It's really hard when you can't even set consequences for yourself. I mean, I've already dealt with the real-world consequences of not getting things done. But apparently that's not enough to motivate when you have depression bogging you down on one side and anxiety stressing you out on the other. 

Right now I'm not doing anything. Literally, for the past 9-ish months I have done so incredibly little. I was going to school (university) and I've completed 4 years, but I did a lot of dilly-daddling and couldn't decide on a major, so I still have at least 2 years of major-related courses left. That being said, I have to get back into classes first. I applied for the school of music and got in, but then I lost all motivation in my (then-current) classes and became afraid of going to class. Needless to say, I flunked out the semester, my grades dropped, and as a result I can't get into the school of music until my grades are lifted. To do so, I have to fill out a late-withdrawal form (and get approved) and do a whole lot of bureaucratic nonsense that gets me into these situations in the first place. I even have to e-mail the professors that I flunked out with! That's just too cruel. How am I supposed to interact with them when I can barely e-mail professors that I'm familiar with? It definitely sounds like a joke.

But at least my therapist said she'd help with that. That's our end-goal, I guess. Or at least our tangible end-goal. In the short-term I'd really like to get a job. I don't know when I'll actually get myself to start applying, but I think having a steady job would be good for getting myself into a routine. The issue is once I have a job, I have a tendency to quit (though to be fair, both of the jobs I had so far were high turnover manual labor positions). Having some income would be great, too of course. I'd like to buy new clothes for myself (some gender non-conforming stuff especially, so that I can experiment more with my presentation), as well as some bit and bobs. But more then anything I'd like to move out. I'm sure that sounds ludicrous coming from someone who can't bath themselves regularly, but I really do think it would be good for me. Having to deal with real adult tasks and learning how to be a good roommate would be absolutely incredible.

More importantly, I would be able to get away from my parents. Just from saying that, it probably sounds like they're awful or abusive or something, but it's really not the case. I just feel so claustrophobic around them. I don't know what it is, but there's this panopticon effect where I'm always being watched (in my head at least). Not in some paranoid way, but in a, "I'm pretty sure they're judging me right now" kind of way. I definitely have reason to believe that's true. My mom is always judging people, including me and my sister. She tries to be understanding but she always assumes that my problems are the same as hers (and so they must have the same solutions). 

My dad doesn't seem as judgmental but I still feel awkward around him. In the past few years he's been trying to reach out to me, I think partially because he didn't do so at all when I was younger (unless you count fishing trips). He used to be a very angry person and I was really afraid of him when I was little. Now he's Buddhist and is a much better person for it. I'm really proud of his progress, to be honest. 

That being said, now he's trying to reach out to me almost exclusively through Buddhism, and although it somewhat interests me, I don't really wanna deal with the social aspect of it. Particularly my dad goes to "the Buddhist place" AKA "Buddhist church" where there are a lot of really nice people that I can't relate to at all. It's not even that there's no one my age there (because I can't befriend people of any demographic, usually) but it's just one of those feelings. When I enter a room, I almost immediately get a sense of who I want to be friends with and who I don't. There are certain people I'm drawn to and others I'm not. At The Buddhist Place (which is obviously not its real name but I won't put it here for privacy's sake) there are tons of great people but I'm not drawn to any of them. There are the Buddhist new-comers who all seem to be ex-Christians or ex-Agnostics and then there are the monks themselves. The new-comers are nice but I just can't click with them. What could I even talk to them about? (especially given I don't have school to fall back on) The monks are even nicer and I'd be super interested in getting to know them if I could reliably communicate with them. There are only a small handful of monks that speak 'good' English, a few that speak choppy English, and then a few that I don't think speak English at all. The fact that I'm unsure if I'll be able to communicate causes me way too much anxiety for me to even try.

Anyway, I've gone on a bit of a rant. The original point was, I want to move out because my parents are suffocating me. It's not even their fault, I just can't be in an environment where I feel so judged. I want to be with friends who don't look at me like they're disappointed all the time. I can't afford to feel this guilty 24/7. Hopefully when (if) I get a job I can talk to one of my friends ("Mable", let's say) who already has a job and wants to move out. I'm about 90% sure that she'd want to move in with me unless she's already made plans that conflict with that idea. It would definitely be refreshing to live with someone that I'm comfortable being around. 

But what would I do about my dog?! D:

3/7/15

Today I'm starting my journal. I thought tumblr would be a good enough place for it, though I guess I do run the risk of people actually finding it. That being said, I might be fine with that. I mean, strangers are definitely welcome to read. I'm only really worried about someone I know reading it. And if that happens, I guess I'd be able to deal with that. I don't know. The point is that I need a place to put my journal, and since I'll never get up the energy to physically write it, and I'm on tumblr all the time anyway, it just makes sense to have it here.

So, this will be my introduction entry. I'm not gonna give too much about my personal info, (names, etc) but I'll be giving away a ton about my personal life. Let's see . . .

First off, I'm "Lara". It's not my 'real' name but it might be a name I choose for myself in the future. I'm trans, or at least not cis. I was designated male at birth, I'm white, I'm mentally ill, able-bodied, tall, thin, awkward, middle-class, 21 years old, and queer. Okay, so that might actually be a ton of personal information. The point is you can't just google me. Anyway, I'm writing a journal to keep track of my progress in dealing with my depression and anxiety. A couple years ago I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (with "obsessive tendencies") and for the past 6 months or so I've also been dealing with a wave of depression (self-diagnosed).

Day to day, I have trouble showering, eating, brushing my teeth, doing my laundry, keeping up with my room, and any other miscellaneous task. Right now, I'd like to be applying for jobs, but I don't think I'll be able to for a while. I'm seeing a therapist (who I'll call "Fel") and I've been with her for about a month. I haven't seen her for two weeks, though, because I overslept and missed one appointment, and then she had to cancel another appointment for what I can only assume to be personal reasons.

Last session she gave me an assignment: to shower every day, within an hour of waking up. I felt excited to have something to work on a few weeks ago, but now I just wish I could shower at all. It would've been fine if I could have started out strong, but the thing is, our heat was off for about a week. In that time I don't think I showered at all, and it was mostly because it was so damn cold. How could I even coerce myself into that icy shower when I struggle with the motivation to shower normally? It's not like I'm afraid to shower really, I just don't feel like it. Ever. Which is just insane to me, since I love to shower once I'm actually in. And I definitely enjoy being clean. I hate that I feel so grimy and gross all the time, and it takes a toll on my self-esteem. As I'm writing this it's probably been three or four days since my last shower, and I just want to jump into a (heated) pool of water. 

It's so hard to articulate: why can't I take a shower? I don't know. The biggest road block in this moment is that my mom's home. You see, I live with my parents, and the bathroom that's used for showering is actually the master bedroom's bath, which incidentally is my mom's room (My dad has his separate room in what used to be my sister's before she moved out). In order to take a shower, I have to waddle past my mom (who's watching TV in her bed right now). It's so hard to explain, but I just can't stand to be in either of my parents' lines of sight. It takes such an absurd amount of effort to talk to them, and if I'm near them then I run that risk. It doesn't help that just about every time I take a shower now, my mom asks "Are you going somewhere?". She's being sincere, but it's painful to listen to. I want to say, No, I'm not going somewhere just because I'm taking a shower. I'm capable of taking a shower on days where I don't have to do anything. But that's kind of a lie, isn't it? If I was that capable, I wouldn't have hygiene issues in the first place.

This first entry is getting a bit long, now. I'll probably come back today and add more. I've got 99 problems and mental illness is like 95 of them. 

how introverts acc feel like (subjective)

typical therapy sesh

i hate how sometimes i can’t find the right words to describe what’s going on in my mind.

Depressed Again...

Depression hits hard

What if it never leaves me

Will I be trapped here?

Depression...

It’s hard to keep your head above the water when you’re drowning in your own tears...  Take that, former me who wrote horrible Goth poetry! 

Tired...

No energy

Still rather depressed at times

Creativity.

Depression Battle...

Depression falling.

After so many weeks of pain…

I feel at peace now.

Dark Cloud...

Depression hurts, man.

Some days I just don’t want to…

Breathe deep and enjoy.

Misery

Misery from Ruby Gloom. Love the show.

Show this show to your children. It will make them intelligent.

Songs to fall to✨

All I wanna do is hide, but I can't... 'couse my demons always find me no matter what...

My fucked up mind

just finished princess tutu. in a deep state of depression and heartache. no one talk to me unless it’s about how fakir and duck actually lived a very happy life as two humans in love

If you have a mental illness of any kind, weather it is depressing, ADHD and the like, deal with it! Go to therapy, take your medicine, do or even make support groups, learn healthy coping mechanism, learn what helps you and do it, even get a friend or anyone to nag you to get things done. NEVER EVER just except it, learn to conquer it and be IT'S master rather than letting it master you.

HOLLOW BONES? WILD HORSES RUNNING THROUGH YOUR HOLLOW BONES?? CRACK BABY?? YOU DONT KNOW WHAT YOU WANT??? BUT YOU KNOW THAT YOURE NEEDING IT???? AND YOU KNOW THAT YOU NEED IT BAD????

🦕 fact !!!! Some of the carnivore dinosaurs had hollow bones !🍓

WHAT

Hang in there guys

I decided to create a masterpost that would help you with what you are struggling with. Hopefully any of the links below will help you! Reminder; You’re going to be okay. What you are going through will pass, just remember to breathe. 

————————————————————————————-

Distractions;

Here are some distractions to help keep your mind occupied so you aren’t too focused on your thoughts. 

-Draw something

-This website translates the time into colours.

-Create your own galaxy.

-Play flowing.

-Make a 3D line travel where ever you like. 

-Listen to music.

-Calm.

-Ocean mood, do nothing for two minutes.

Sleep issues; 

- 8 hour sleep music.

-Rainy mood. 

-Meditation.

-Coping with nightmares.

-How to cope with nightmares, 11 steps.

-Calm

-Foods that can affect your sleeping, both positive and negatively. 

  Uncomfortable with silence; 

-Rainy mood.

-10 hours of rain and thunder.

-3 hours of rain and thunder.

-Human heartbeat.

-Rainforest.

-Sound of rain on a tin roof.

-Autumn wind.

-Rain on a tent

-Traffic in the rain.

-Soft traffic. 

-Fan.

-Train.

-Simply noise.

-My noise.

-Rainy cafe.

Anxiety; 

-How to stop worrying. 

-Tips to manage anxiety and stress.

-The 10 best ever anxiety management techniques. 

-Self-help strategies for anxiety. 

-Helping a friend with anxiety. 

-All about worrying.

-8 myths about anxiety. 

Sad, angry and depressed/depression; 

-“I’m always sad”

-Feeling sad.

-Going through trauma.

-“I’m always angry”.

-Anger management. 

-All about anger.

-National helplines and websites.

-Self-help strategies for depression.

-Dealing with depression at work.

-Dealing with depression at school.

Isolation and loneliness; 

-Pets and mental health.

-All about loneliness. 

-“I feel so alone”

-10 more ideas to help with loneliness. 

-How to deal with loneliness.

  Self-harm;

-Alternatives to self-harm and distraction techniques.

-146 things to do besides self-harm.

-More alternatives to self-harm.

-Self-harm alternatives.

-How to take care of self-harm wounds/injuries.

-Getting rid of scars.  

Addiction; 

-How to help a friend with a drug addiction.

-What is addiction?

-All about alcohol and addiction.

-The facts about drug addiction.

  Eating disorders; 

-Helping a friend with an eating disorder.

-Eating disorder treatments. 

-Support services for eating disorders. 

-Self-help tips with eating disorders.

-Eating disorder recovery. 

-Recovering from an eating disorder. 

-100+ reasons to recover. 

-Understanding and managing eating disorders. 

  Dealing with self-hatred;  

-3 ways to ease self-loathing. 

-How to turn self-hatred into self-compassion.

-Self-hatred resources.

-10 step plan to deal with self-hate. 

  Suicidal; 

-International suicide hotlines (1)  (2)

-Preventing suicide. 

-Reasons to stay alive.

-Dealing with suicidal thoughts and feelings.

-Coping with suicidal ideation.  

  Schizophrenia;

-All about schizophrenia.  

-Helping a person with schizophrenia.  

-Understanding and dealing with schizophrenia.  

-Delusions and hallucinations.  

OCD;

-Managing your OCD at home. 

-Overcoming OCD.

-How to cope with OCD. 

-Strategies for dealing with the anxious moments. 

Borderline personality disorder; 

-Helping someone with BPD. 

-All about personality disorders.

-Treatment for BPD.

Abuse; 

-Healthy relationships VS abusive relationships. 

-Emotional abuse

-Overcoming sexual abuse. 

-Hotlines services. 

-5 ways to escape an abusive relationship. 

-Domestic violence support. 

-Signs of an abusive relationship. 

-What do to if you’re in an abusive relationship. 

-Surviving abuse. 

-What you can do if you’re sexual harassed. 

-Sexual assault support.

-What to do if you’ve been sexually assaulted or abused. 

  Bullying;

-How to stand up against bullying.

-How to protect yourself when it comes to cyber bullying.

-How to help stop people bullying you. 

  Loss and grief; 

-How to cope with a suicide of a loved one.

-Grieving for a stranger. 

-Common reactions to death. 

-Working through grief.

(Other loss and grief)

-Moving away from friends and family. 

-Coping with a breakup.

  Getting help; 

-Seeking help early. 

-All about psychological treatments. 

-Types of help.

-All about age and confidentiality. 

Things you need to remember; 

- Don’t stress about being fixed because you’re not broken.

-Remember to remind yourself of your accomplishments. Tell yourself that you’re proud of yourself, even if you’re not. 

- This is temporary. You won’t always feel like this. 

-You are not alone. 

-You are enough. 

-You are important. 

-You are worth it. 

-You are strong. 

-You are not a failure, 

-Good people exist. 

-Reaching out shows strength. 

-Breathe. 

-Don’t listen to the thoughts that are not helping you. 

-Give yourself credit. 

-Don’t be ashamed of your emotions, for the good or bad ones. 

-Treat yourself the same way as you would treat a good friend. 

-Focus on the things you can change. 

-Let go of toxic people. 

-You don’t need to hide, you’re allowed to feel the way you do. 

-Try not to beat yourself up. 

-Something is always happening, you don’t want to miss out on what’s going to happen next. 

-You are not a bother.

-Your existence is more than your appearance. 

-You are smart. 

-You are loved. 

-You are wanted. 

-You are needed. 

-Better days are coming. 

-Just because your past is dark, doesn’t mean your future isn’t bright. 

-You have more potential than you think. 

- Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.

Please remember to look after yourself and know that you are more than worth it and you deserve to be happy. Keep smiling butterflies x

“Anger is all I have left”

Ring around the Moon

I can feel the end coming and I want it

Beach monsters, shingle shifters

Shoreham-by-sea beachfront

Life sends me reminders everywhere I go

I opened myself up to you completely