Depression - Blog Posts

Fog so thick I can't see

Can't breath

Tell myself to run towards it

I'd walk into the sea and never come back

I don't know you at all

I'd run as fast as I could and jump into the vast fog

-kalika

Hollow -kalika

untethered

-kalika

-kalika

star-crossed lovers series, pt.4

-kalika

-kalika

Just a reminder ˚.⁺⊹

You are valuable. You are important. You are needed. You are loved.

The world is not a better place without you. No one is better off without you, even if sometimes it feels that way.

There is a person in this world who admires you. There is a person who thinks you are beautiful. There is a person who thinks you are interesting. There is a person who thinks you are perfect. There is a person who adores your smile. There is a person you saved without even knowing it. There is a person who is in love with you.

You do enough. You try hard enough. Even if sometimes it feels like you don't.

*･｡ﾟ☆ﾟ.*･｡ﾟ*･｡ﾟ☆ﾟ.*･｡ﾟ*･｡ﾟ☆ﾟ.*･｡ﾟ*･｡ﾟ☆*･

I am proud of you and I am glad you are still in this world. Take care of yourself ♡

my Birthday

It brings so many emotions. Depression, fear, sadness but also love. My birthday might not be the best day ever. But that might not be a bad thing. I feel like I grow more patient with each passing birthday. I also began trying something new. I started virtual letters from futureme.org which should help me feel better when my next birthday comes around. But I'm 26, age might be a number but sometimes it's a cruel number and I don't like that I'm not 25 anymore. Five at least is my favorite number. But what is six? It's a new number.. An unfamiliar number I don't really like. Next year I should get a surprise email that shares some of my biggest fears and gives me some of my biggest answers. It should hopefully inspire me in some fashion. My anxiety seems to grow worse the more I think about that number. I'd rather not see it again.

I'm supposed to be graduating in 4 months (I'm in year 13) but i think I'm gonna be held back, my depression and learning disabilities have really taken a tool on me this year and my grades have been average at best. I don't think i can make it another year in school

“You’re lazy”

No mom I’m just depressed and can’t bring myself to get out of bed 😎

Team «Cult»

Tall, Dark & Lonely.

The train jostled him from one lonely moment to the next.

The train car was quiet. Just about everyone was a sleep or was falling into it. There was nothing outside the windows. Darkness and the occasional flicker of light. He was empty.

The open-ended feeling in his stomach was the pain of loneliness. He clutched his bag as if it would hold him back. Maybe if he squeezed hard enough the bag would absorb his sadness. Regrettably his efforts were no reciprocated.

How? How did he continually end up here? Close. Slam. Shut. The doors to love, companionship, affection, repeatedly shut in his face. Is it his karma? Is he unlovable? Is he simply unwanted?

The train doors are open. The air is warm, but not inviting. Where would it invite him to anyway? Further sadness? Deeper disappointment? Ugh, never mind.

The bed is soft. The darkness familiar. The loneliness his own. Lights out. Again.

(5.11.19)

Choking

I could feel myself choking, on his internalized self loathing and the humidity.

This damn window is always such a bitch to open, but finally- I cracked it open and the rush of air was tickling the hairs on my body, and quenching my lungs.

The floor feels so cool on my skin, my always buzzing with warmth, skin. The shadows and colors on the ceiling look like so inviting and forgiving. They whisper to me, “you love you, that’s enough,” but I don’t believe them. As I gaze out the window I can see the sky, it’s perfectly clear. It looks painted actually.

Buzz, buzz.

What does he want now? To suffocate me further? Leave me alone! Go lie to the world somewhere else. Yo sé quién soy. Soy hermosa como soy. I hate him. I hate how this makes me feel.

I miss you.

Yea, I miss me too. I miss how free I was. How I had no fear, but now I fear losing your love. Losing. I fear losing, but I can’t and I won’t. I can’t lose out on love. Real, free, trusted love.

15 minutes.

That’s all the time I have to pull myself off this floor and feel like a whole person again. To feel my soul light up and be the roaring fire it truly is when it isn’t being snuffed out and stifled by bigotry and insecurity. Ahh! I’m tired of crying hot tears of desperation.

A kiss. A hand on my knee. A lie.

All this to make me feel special behind closed doors. Doors so heavy and thick that they can barely be opened. Doors that if we ran through them hand in hand we could be free.

It’s hot out. 9PM. 80 degrees Fahrenheit. Where is that damn breeze. I’m choking again, this time on the smoke from his day old blunt. Damn, anything else you want to suppress? It doesn’t really matter does it? Of course it does but he’ll never get it. Only one of us choking. You can’t know the feeling unless you’ve choked before.

(8.5.18)

Real💅

you're not alone

Reblog this for suicide prevention.

there are two types of depression:

and they both suck

Being mentally ill means random people will assume shit about you because of your diagnosis

When there is no more depression like a stone around my neck, rare and treasured happiness becomes commonplace, and the euphoria of joy now feels like nothing, nothing at all, and contentment is not a mountain peak overlooking a panoramic view, but a flat and featureless plain. With no depression hiding me in a little pit, away from the sun, there is no shade or shelter, Just the glare, an undefended and uncharted expanse with room for dread to creep in unhindered, for uncertainty to reign when all directions look the same, and when there is no more up, no more climbing out, how do you decide where to go?

we let her go. we didn't stop her. and because of me. because of us. she died. we didn't do enough. we should've done more. but we didn't. and i will never. ever. forgive myself.

Letter #29

As I stare upon the reflection of my glass Containing the same thing I know May very well be what kills me one day I feel nothing. It's just me, my thoughts And the numb taste of an indulgent slow decline Deadline in hand, waiting on empty promises. I feel absolutely nothing.

Date Written: 1st of October, 2023

Letter #27

How many wounds can a human body take Before it inevitably falls into ruin? Hundreds? Thousands? Millions, perhaps? As my wrists join my shoulders, Join my torso, join my chest, Join my ankles, join my toes, Join my neck, join my back, Join each and every lasting scrap Of what remains to be my face Dripping at an ever rapid pace I guess time shall try the test Seeking battle to heal it's best Before my demons rip me of all flesh A bag of bones in wait to be refreshed Sunlight, their everlasting summer At last red no longer the only colour I do not know which side I want to win I only know I no longer feel the hands of fear Only numbness and a longing for the air To hold every inch of me it cannot yet reach

Date Written: 23rd of September, 2023

Clarice Lispector, from “That’s Where I’m Going”, Soulstorm: Stories (tr. Alexis Levitin)

Jane O. Wayne // Kate Jacobs